DISCLAIMER: I wonder if I should bother with these anymore…pretty obvious we don't own anything even slightly affiliated with Pokemon. Oh, I will disclaim "Tunnel of Love" by Bruce Springsteen, don't wanna get in trouble for that!
A/N: Do we still have people reading this story? LOL if you've all abandoned it I don't blame you, we are getting sooo slack on this. But applaud Geo, at least he did something about it and wrote this chapter. I suppose I hafta get off my arse and write mine now…! Anyways just read and hopefully enjoy!
Chapter Nine – Defining Ones Happiness
"It ought to be
easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in
love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And
you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above
If you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love."
Bruce Springsteen "Tunnel Of Love"
Seconds? Minutes? Perhaps even an hour might have slipped away from me as my eyes opened yet again. I could tell that with the frustrating sigh that emerged from the back of my throat that the time span that had just elapsed was irrelevant, for to me it was not long enough as I relinquished in the knowledge that yet again my eyes had once again opened against their will.
I sleepily reached up to rub my eyes as they yet again strained to focus to their new source of light, as Ash wearily stirred to his side of the bed, which as a result left me with very little if any covers encasing my body. Smiling briefly and taking this as a sign, I noted that I probably should get up as I cast my eyes to the clock and saw that indeed a minimum of 15 minutes had past since I saw it last.
As I summoned the resolve to brave the cold chilled air this freezing summer morning had to offer, I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled sharply as a heavenly aroma engulfed my smelling senses. I opened my eyes with a smile as I realized that Brock was no doubt up as per usual at the crack of dawn, and judging by what my nose was telling me, he had breakfast well in hand.
I gingerly got to my feet and donned a near by robe. As I had engulfed it around my body I swatted some stray hair from my eyes and leaned over the bed with the intention of softly waking Ash. However seeing how peaceful he looked I simply traced a hand down his back as a smile emerged on my lips. With a contented sigh shortly there after followed by a small glance across at the small book on the nightstand, the book that had somewhat eased every fear that surged through my brain, I quietly left our bedroom.
A few seconds later after checking in on Andréa and seeing she was still engrossed in a contented sleep, followed by switching on her intercom which was attached to various rooms within our home I found myself trudging my way through the kitchen door to see Brock pouring himself a cup of coffee. He placed the coffee pot down and whirled around as his eyes fell on me.
"Hey! Morning Mist, don't we look a lot brighter this morning" he commented, noting my seemingly new buoyant mood.
"I take it you had a good night's sleep then?" he quizzed as I walked up and took a seat at the kitchen table.
"There's just no easy way to answer that question" I told him as he walked up and placed his cup down on the table adjacent to me.
"Really? How so?" he asked, leaning down a little closer to me so he could hear my answer.
"It's difficult to answer in the sense, that the answer you seek is both yes and no" I echoed with a sly grin as I saw a blank expression emerge across his face. Figuring I'd better put his mind at ease I slowly went on to explain my last statement.
"Yes in the sense that when I did finally get to sleep it was bliss thank you, and no in the fact it was hell trying to fall over, the way Ash gyrates and….." I was cut short as Brock's hand swung in the air and his voice was heard.
"Stop! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later" he blurted out while moving away from the table. I sighed in exasperation whilst slapping my head.
"I was talking about the way he tosses and turns in his sleep you perverted jerk!" He leaned against the refrigerator and folded his arms with a shrug.
"Come on Mist, you seriously expect me to believe you two didn't, umm, how should I put this…hop on the good foot and do the bad thing last night?" I lowered my head to avoid his gaze, somewhat embarrassed at the way he worded his intended question. A moment of silence ensued as I snapped my head back up to respond.
"Whether we did or didn't is none of your Goddamn business! And while we're on the subject, I find it hard to believe you're taking the moral high ground over this. Am I dare sitting here talking to the same guy who sat idly by and watched as I exposed myself to my boyfriend not but a few days ago?" He bit his lip a moment, followed by a nervous laugh as he scratched his head.
"Umm…..coffee?" he asked, trying to revert the topic of conversation whilst gesturing the coffee pot with his hand and moving in its direction. I grinned to myself in satisfaction, thus showing I had obtained victory in our little war of words for lack of a better term, as he had poured some grained liquid into a nearby cup and was now seeking out milk within the confines of the refrigerator as he spoke up yet again.
"Milk and two, right Mist?" he asked with his back to me as he had sought out the sugar bowl.
"Yup, same as always Brock" I chimed as he complied with my request and walked up beside me and handed me the cup.
"Here you go" he said.
"Thanks Brock" I replied gratefully as he took a seat at the opposite side of me at the kitchen table while grabbing his own earlier prepared cup.
"Breakfast should be about ready in 10 minutes or so" he commented after taking a sip from his cup.
"Great" I replied lackadaisically as I clasped my hands around my coffee. A stony silence enveloped us as Brock seemed to study me closely a moment, as if seeking out what I was thinking within my body language or eyes.
"Alright, out with it" he said, folding his arms and sitting back in his chair. I gazed at him questioningly a moment.
"Huh? Out with what?" I asked as he pushed his coffee to one side.
"Ok let's see, you come bouncing in here with a spring in your step, you've got a grin from ear to ear a provincial cheshire cat would be proud of, not to mention your shuffling in that chair more times then a deck of playing cards would in a round of poker. As good as I dare say Ashy boy is, I don't think he can even bring a woman to such realms of ecstasy that you seem to be going through at the moment." I sighed contentedly a moment as a smile formed on my lips.
"Oh Brock, am I that transparent?" I replied as my eyes gazed upwards to focus on him once again. He responded to me with a grin.
"No I'm psychic, so come on what's the deal?"
"Lets just say, I needed a little reminder that sometimes the things people say aren't always necessarily what they are thinking or feeling."
He seemed slightly perplexed at my response, and I feel he wanted to probe more as to what I meant, however the ringing of his cell phone soon quashed that idea as I picked it up from the table and scanned its screen.
"It's your brother" I noted as I gestured the phone in his direction.
"Oh yeah, like that narrows it down!" he mocked playfully while swiping the phone from me and pushing the answer button.
"Brock Slate" he chimed. I sat relaxing back in my chair with my coffee in hand as I listened on intently to Brock's part of a one sided conversation.
"Tommy!...everything ok at home?...yeah for what I gather things went as well as they could considering the circumstances….little family spat but it had to be expected I guess, when you take into account all that's happened…..nope, they're back home, we're in Pallet now…When will I be back home?" Brock paused as he had repeated the question and I shot my head up from my mug in interest.
"Um….Tommy listen……if it's all the same to you, unless I am needed…I think I am going to stick around here a bit longer….make sure things settle down ok and all……great thanks…keep in mind you need anything all you got to do is call….great….you take it easy and send the others my love. Yeah you too….talk to you soon….bye." And with those subtle heartfelt words uttered he hung up the phone and placed it on the table beside him as I darted my eyes across him in a questioning manner.
"I know what you're thinking" he muttered with a sigh as he averted his eyes from me to his mug.
"Do you indeed!" I retorted with a raised eyebrow as he sighed yet again.
"Why am I sticking around here being the provincial third wheel?" I interrupted him thus showing I did not like where he was going with this.
"Brock don't say that! You know Ash and I love having you here, you're welcome as long as you like. I'm just a little surprised that's all" I explained.
"I guess to an extent I am too Misty" he replied. I smiled reassuringly at him.
"Want to talk about it?" He lowered his head a moment.
"I don't know how to describe it Mist. It's as if in Pewter things are just empty. My siblings are older now, and in truth the only time I see them is when they need something, not like that's a bad thing but…" he paused.
"I guess I am just unsatisfied with the way my life is panning out, by day I attend to my duties at the gym and my local breeding classes see me by and even assure me a nice some of money in the bank….but every night when I go home it is the same old thing….just me alone in that big apartment." He paused and eyed me a moment.
"Guess that sounds sort of dumb to you, huh?" I immediately shook my head at him.
"Nope Brock not at all, in fact I think I might have a rough idea what you're going through." I paused and took a sip from my cup.
"You know, when I was about 7 I remember my Grandmother used to have a cat. A mangy old thing. Kept ruining the furniture and stuff. I recall asking her one day why she kept it and she said that maybe it was because she liked having another heartbeat around the house." He smiled at me warmly and reached over and grasped my hand, as if indicating I was spot on in my assumption.
"Thanks Mist" he muttered, freeing my hand from his grasp and leaving his seat to move numerous pots and pans to different rings located on the stove.
"You know Mist, it's funny" he finally commented after taking some time to fiddle around with the spatula.
"What is?" He turned to face me.
"As much as I want to stay here for the moment, I have to admit a small part of me feels as if I should go back home. It's as if it's saying to me I have no ambition, that I should be out there passing on my knowledge and expertise…I mean, God I'm a gym master and one of the most respected breeders within the Kahnto and Johto regions." I arose from my chair and walked around the table as I approached him
"Brock, of course you could be out doing all those things, heck you could be anything you wanted to be…..but maybe those things aren't important to you right now. Maybe you just like being part of a family, somewhere you feel you are needed." I paused and placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. "What's wrong with that?" I asked him softly.
"Nothing, I guess" he responded with a grateful looking grin as he leaned forward and placed a brief kiss on my lips before walking past me and picking up his cup located on the table.
"You're one great shrink there yourself, Ms Waterflower" he commented after taking another sip from his cup, bringing to light the numerous times he advised me on my conflicting state of mind, the difference being this time however, that the roles were in reverse. I shot him a smile with a slight nod taking his words for the compliment they were.
"You know Mist, as I examine my own life I can't help but envy you guys in terms of yours" Brock said as I had re-joined him at the table and had once again taken my seat.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked as he had obtained the coffee pot and was giving himself a refill.
"What do you think it means Mist? I mean, my God I have never seen Ash more happier within his life, and the situation with your father not withstanding you're happy right?"
For a moment the question seemed to take some time to lodge into my senses as a throbbing sensation just engulfed the pit of my stomach and my throat became dry. For some reason I couldn't croak out a response. As much as I desperately wanted to, I could not answer yes to that question.
"Misty, did you hear the question?" Brock got hesitantly out after swallowing a mouthful of coffee.
"Um…yeah, I'm thinking." He raised an eyebrow at me as he placed his hands on his hips.
"Why do I get the feeling once you're through thinking I won't like where it's going?" he muttered as I arose from my chair and took a few steps away from him, folding my arms as if trying to suppress any more shooting pains working their way up to my chest.
"Misty! You have got to be kidding me here!" Brock blurted out a little louder then I think he had originally intended after another few seconds of a spine tingling silence.
"Brock, please!" I stammered out with a tremble at his raised tone. "Don't you think I feel bad enough about this as it is?" I echoed turning to face him with the origins of tears beginning to form at the rims of my eyes.
"But how?" he stammered in amazement, taking a short step towards me then stopping.
"I don't know" I echoed shakily as I suppressed a sob down the back of my throat. In reality I was speaking the truth, I didn't know why Brock's question had stumped me. The question was never directed to me in an individual basis. I guess it was always in a third person context, things like us or we when it came to questions such as these, and I just wasn't prepared for it being asked to me in a solo first person scenario.
"Just when I think I have all the answers the questions keep on changing" I muttered weakly as by this time Brock had approached me yet again.
"Misty, help me understand" Brock stammered laying a hand to rest on my shoulder. I paused a moment wondering if I should relate to him, no matter how noble my intentions were my apparent intrusion into Ash's privacy, I knew I had to talk to someone. I knew if I kept it to myself, I would only make myself sick over not only this, but whatever else was stopping me from embracing the life I led to the full.
"Brock, you have to swear this goes no further, can you do that?" I asked eyeing him from the corner of my eye.
"Discretion is my middle name honey" he mussed with a small grin. "So what's the big secret?" I sighed.
"Well you see…" And so for the next minute or so I stood there relating to Brock the situation with Ash's journal, its contents, and how all he had written had gone a long way to putting my mind at ease up until Brock had inadvertently out of the blue asked me his question.
"I can't believe I'm hearing this" he commented after a few more seconds of silence while throwing his hands over his head in what I presumed to be shock. In reality I totally understood why he reacted the way he did.
"Misty? Do you know what I see when I look at you right now?" he asked suddenly as I plucked up the courage to lay eyes on him yet again. I inhaled sharply.
"One selfish discontented bitch?" I chided sarcastically, totally hating myself for the situation I found myself in.
"No. I see a girl who has every reason to be nothing but thankful for the way her life is going, a girl who has a beautiful daughter, involved from what you tell me in a fantastic relationship…my God you've got it all, what possible justification could you possibly have for not being happy?" I cringed at the somewhat repeated question from earlier.
"Dammit Brock! Don't you dare stand there and try to patronize me! I already told you I don't know!" He was silent for a moment as if stunned at my outburst. He bit his lip a few seconds as if searching through his mind what to say next. I could tell by his eyes he knew I was lying. And the next words to leave his mouth did nothing but confirm this.
"Oh! Denial, how nice to see you!" As that sentence left his mouth the red mist had set, and without comprehending what I was doing my next action stunned even me as I had smacked him across the face. I hastily had to fight back the urge to break down into tears as I had practically began clinging to his shirt.
"I'm sorry! Brock forgive me…." I lost it after spluttering out that statement and the dam burst. I could feel Brock's short term resentment towards me dissolve along with the sigh that escaped the back of his throat as he tilted his hand under my chin and focused my head up to face him.
"Sweetheart" he started as a sympathetic smile crossed his lips. "I realize this is unsettling and probably a little scary for you, but if you want to know what's at the core of your problem you have to do the work"
I swallowed hard as I had just fully understood what he was saying. In order to put these so called sleeping dogs to rest I had to discover where the bones where buried, I had to pin point as to why I could not legitimately say why I, Misty Waterflower, was not happy.
"Alright…" I got out while pulling away from him and trying with little success to remove the stray tears cascading down my cheeks.
"It's Ash, isn't it?" Brock quizzed out loud, as if I could get so hysterical over anything else. I remained silent simply lowering my head; I knew he already knew what the answer was.
"I feel so Goddamn ashamed, I shouldn't feel this way Brock!" I got out weakly. He sighed as he momentarily walked away from me to turn the main switch of the stove off.
"You care to explain your reasoning here?" he asked, re-focusing on me while leaning against the stove.
"Brock……it's complicated" I retorted almost with a tinge of frustration while rubbing my hands down my face.
"Simplify it!" he challenged as he approached me yet again.
"Do you ever get the feeling when you wake up in the morning and you feel you're so undeserving of something it's untrue?" He shook his head at me. "That's what I feel with regards to Ash."
"And why do you think that's so?"
"I don't know. Maybe in part it has something to do with that I am more responsible than Ash that we have ended up with the lives we have." Referring to that night at Washbay where he had stopped the rampaging but, so to speak, before I had urged the driver to get back in the hot seat.
"Or maybe because when I think of all he's given up for me, I can't help but brand him crazy." Brock nodded at me a moment as if signifying he was taking in my point objectively before responding.
"What, and you think he, or yourself for that matter, would have it any other way?" A small smile emerged at the corners of my mouth.
"I guess not…."
"You want to know what I think you've discovered this morning, Misty?" I bit my lip a moment before shrugging.
"Sure, go for it" I chimed, not thinking anything of it.
"I think this diary entry, all be it reassuring, may have done you more harm then good, because along with its comforts it has also given you an indication, in your eyes anyways, just how close to perfect for you Ash is, and as you always say, nothing or no one is perfect."
I scowled at him momentarily not fully understanding the logic behind what he was saying.
"Brock! Could you please cut the crap! Just what the heck are you standing there saying? What? I'm afraid of a perfect man?" He shook his head at me as he laid his hands to rest on my shoulders.
"No! You're afraid of losing a perfect man…….again."
In that instant I could honestly say I had adorned a whole new lease of respect for Brock as an ace psychiatrist of the future, as a brother type figure and above all else as a friend. A momentary silence ensued as I turned from him folding my arms.
"So that's it? All this work, just to discover I am terrified of losing him for a second time?"
"That's right" Brock responded as I blinked to myself, somewhat irate as I had just fully realized what this meant.
"So I'm afraid of losing him, because I'm afraid of losing him!" Brock sighed as I had laid eyes upon him once more.
"Mist, I realize how stupid that sounds! But believe me, when it's all said and done, deep down in places you don't want to talk about, there is way more to it and you know it."
I couldn't contain my rage as to why something so simple in my eyes anyways, had stopped me embracing my relationship with Ash to the full.
"Bullshit Brock! I know he'd never leave me!" I snapped.
"Yes!" he retorted back while stopping a moment. "You know that in here!" he told me, gesturing towards his chest he stopped a moment to consider his words.
"But do you know it up here?" he asked, pointing to his head.
"It's all well and good knowing things in your heart Misty, but when your head's been messed with based upon the actions of someone, no matter how much they thought it might have been right for you at the time, it's hard to erase such feelings of hurt, pain, and what can only be looked back upon now as unnecessary misery."
I swallowed hard as memories of the time I thought I had buried replayed themselves before my very eyes.
"I still wake up nights thinking about it Brock……I know my fears are irrational and unfounded, I just can't help but feel no matter how remote the possibility is, that Ash might very well up sticks and leave me again." Brock smiled sympathetically as he once more embraced me in a friendly hug.
"Honey, if that were the case, don't you think he would have been out of the door the moment the words 'I'm pregnant' left your mouth?"
"I guess….." I muttered uncertainly. I could have knocked myself out for that one! I had this debate with myself all the time, why should it be any different in outcome with a second party?
"You see Misty, this is what I am talking about when I say having your head messed with. As much as you are willing to stand there and rubbish it, that time of Ash leaving you has left you scarred up here" he explained, pointing to his head yet again.
I walked up and took a seat at the kitchen table once more as I tried, without much success, to maintain my composure as I found my hands covering my face on numerous of occasions.
"Alright…just so we're clear Brock…" I stopped and swallowed hard. "Are you blaming Ash for my unstable mind set today?" I asked skeptically. He mulled over the question a moment as he had joined me at the table and took a seat to face me.
"Misty, if you're asking me if I would do anything different to what Ash did at the time then absolutely not, he did what he thought was best for you at that time taking you out of that lime light, that pressure cooker" he said, grasping my hands once more.
"What I am saying though is you've taken the built up feelings from that incident and you've carried it with you through everything…every caress, every touch, every kiss, no matter how good he makes you feel or reassures you in your head, you just can't get rid of those feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment." He leaned back in his chair as if to distance himself from me.
"What can I do about this?" I asked almost helplessly as if I was a four year old child. Brock lowered his head a moment before responding shakily.
"Unfortunately Mist, this is something myself nor even Ash can help you with. This is a mental road work you have to find your own way around, a hurdle you must learn to jump alone." My eyes widened
"And just how do I do that?"
"Honey I'm sorry, but only you can find the answer to that. It's your inner conscience, not mine." I nodded with a weak smile as I thought a moment. Suddenly an uneasy feeling enveloped my body.
"Brock what happens if I can't overcome this problem of which you speak?" He was silent a moment before abruptly eyeing his watch.
"Oh geez is that the time? A whole 20 minutes gone! I better get breakfast finished." He moved to get up but I held him firm by his wrist.
"Brock!" I echoed warningly as he re-took his seat and rubbed his cheek with his knuckle.
"Misty! I love you guys and I love Andréa. I just hope for both your sakes as well as hers you can get this mental block of your sorted." I studied him a moment trying hard not to let my jaw hit the table below.
"Brock, are you saying my problem can do more damage then you care to mention?" He nodded gravely. "How much?" I asked, knowing I would probably dread the answer.
"Over a suitable time period, if you can't get your head around this, then you might find that your frustration towards it might seep into the fabric of the relationship you have with Ash right now." He paused and eyed me momentarily.
"If that should happen then there's a chance that things won't work out. Then not only in the end will you have a little girl a few years down the line asking you why Daddy doesn't live with you, but you'll also have wasted the last six years of your life chasing something you thought was there! Simply put Misty, you'd have been chasing an illusion, only to discover that it wasn't that you couldn't live the fantasy, but your mind would not allow it."
A/N: Wow, I am totally lost on where to go from here but don't panic! I shall discuss with my co-writer soon! And I'm majorly sorry for the delay AGAIN, this is not on at all, I realize that. We really appreciate everyone who is sticking with this fic, it means a lot to us to hear feedback of any sort and to know that people are reading it and still taking an interest in it. Thanks guys and take care til the next chapter!
