The Bachelor Party
Chapter 3
A Tales of Phantasia Fanfiction By Cremrock
Usual Foreword/Rant: Here's the last chapter (Excepting the Epilogue), folks! My apologies for it taking so long to be polished and finished, as I got blitzed by college work, but, as my favorite saying goes, "Better late than never,", I suppose. Enjoy! -Cremrock
Though the looseness of her pants normally revealed the fact, the witch Arche Klaine was well known for her slim, petite form. This was as much a result of a finicky pituitary gland (It didn't really enjoy flying so much as the rest of the witch) than it was a matter of exercise, as flying by itself didn't really keep the calories away. Fortunately for the half-elf, magic was quite the capable exercise regimen, and even if it hadn't been, with the way Arche had a tendency to flit around this way and that, the laws of physicality would surely have made an exception. Unfortunately, for all her magic, even Arche couldn't change the laws of physics. As a result, she found herself stuck through a window that was too small even for her, as she tried to get into the bathroom of Elwyn's party. Not surprisingly, she ranted incessantly about Klarth F Lester, hoping it would provide the motivation she needed to squeeze through.
"That jerk! I can't believe he…" At this the witch paused, grunting with the effort. "Did that to me! He's screwed EVERYTHING…" As if to accommodate her anger, the window frame Arche was trying to force herself through suddenly splintered. The resulting crack resounded through the room even as the window frame widened slightly to accommodate her hips. "…Oops." She wiggled a bit, trying to get the rest of the way through the window. The sound that followed the crack of the window was the tearing of fabric. To Arche's half-elven ears, this sound was one of victory, as it meant that Klarth's pants were becoming shredded and torn. The hard part finished, Arche slithered her way through the window with only her calves and feet still outside. "Haha! Got it! I'm just as svelte and flexible as ever… WAH!"
Unfortunately, her impromptu victory pose had caused the window frame to crack further and fall inward. The next thing she knew was on her face in a heap; her head and chest planted on the ground; her lower body plastered against the wall. Were there any innocent bystanders, it would have appeared as if she'd slid straight down the wall face first.
The witch flopped over with a groan and rose to her feet, realizing that she wasn't alone, judging from the loud snore echoed from one of the stalls. "Stal"l probably wasn't the word for it, since they hadn't been invented yet, but there were two walls and a drawn curtain for privacy. Curious, and pinching her nose (Just in case), Arche peeked in to find Cless fully dressed, sitting on a chamber pot, and sleeping like a baby… figuratively and literally, as he was sucking on his thumb. Arche couldn't help but snicker.
"Awww… look at the cute lil' Cless… I wonder if I should wake him? I still have to get him out of here before Mint finds out just how drunk he's become… "
She stopped to think about it for a moment, glancing downward and noticing just how shredded Klarth's clothes had become. Though far from indecent, she certainly wasn't going to be looked upon without suspicion if she went out in public. On top of that, her party disguise had already been recognized, and she had aspirations to go back to the party after taking care of Cless, though her return would have been impossibile in the clothes she wore at the moment… Tapping a finger to her temple, her eyes trailed up and down Cless's slim, muscular form. Purely, PURELY coincidentally, they lingered there. But her eyes held no lecherous intent while they studied the fine clothes Cless was wearing, clothes that just might conceal her female form. Arche selectively ignored the fact that this was because she wasn't particularly "well-endowed", as Klarth would put it.
A plan in mind, she took it upon herself to start removing them; after all, there were certain visual side benefits to doing this as well, and as Cless slept soundly, he didn't seem to care… And she certainly didn't mind…
Steeling himself to read the winner of the three-legged race contests, Elwyn found himself squinting at the card and wondering if he was seeing double.
"Pat M and Pat N? What the hell? Must be more friends of my father's… I certainly didn't know any Pats growing up. A Jamie, an Erin… or was it Aaron? Must've been Aaron… this IS a bachelor party after all…"
A pang of regret drew Elwyn's attention to the throng in front of him, and he was reminded why he felt so miserable. His life was ruined, he kept thinking, unless he could convince the winners to donate the gald to his own cause, and he felt that there were moral implications involved in that. He considered trying it, but only as a last resort. After all, it was their hard-won gald, and he'd had his shot… and blown it.
The light went out of his voice as he reflected on these grim tidings, but he still announced the winners as clearly as he could.
"Pat M, and Pat N are the winners… Please come up here and be recognized…"
As Elwyn glanced back to the gald again, he wondered if there was some other way he hadn't considered, but before he could consider the possibilities he had to produce a smile as the two winners as they approached. He recognized them as the two guests that had shown up scarcely a half an hour before.
The first winner smiled faintly as he stepped aside to let his companion go first. "He" was the one with the outrageously long cloak and the rather effeminate voice Elwyn was confused by the gesture: After all, they both had to have had an equal hand in winning the contest. Elwyn was even more confused as he noticed what he considered to be sheer relief in the second winner's eyes, eyes that again gave him the feeling that he'd gazed deeply into them many more times than just now. It was funny, but in addition to those eyes he thought that the shirt the man was wearing looked a lot like the other one he'd considered wearing to the party; the one he'd left behind on his dresser after his friends had dragged him away… Unbeknownst to Elwyn, Nancy had taken the shirt with her in her wedding plans.
He remained deep in thought as he helped the two onto the stage; so deep that he failed to notice that a fat, familiar looking face suddenly popped up in the crowd with a nasty gleam in its eyes…
Just as Klarth had thought the wrapped downswing of his enjoyment at the party couldn't get any worse, he opened the bathroom door and immediately heard a familiar voice. This prompted him to slide against the wall and listen, though he didn't spy the owner of the voice yet. Of all the people he didn't want to see for a while, this one had to be the worst, as he recognized Arche's voice. How had she gotten back in already? But when he heard what the voice was saying, Klarth wondered if his problems had become a lot worse.
"Oooooh… they're so big, Cless! I never imagined!" Arche's voice lilted past the curtain that concealed the second stall with something that Klarth perceived as excitement, and Klarth's eyes widened in response. Resisting the urge to charge in, he hesitated, and heard the swish of a garment sliding off. His worst suspicions supposedly confirmed; he took a moment to steel himself.
"Oh… My… God…" He mumbled. Grimacing for a further moment, he regained his composure, and his eyes narrowed in determination. Confidently he stomped up to the curtain, throwing it aside to find Cless sitting there asleep in his underwear, and Arche in a similar state of undress, holding Cless's pants. There was clearly nothing sensual about whatever Arche was doing (Or else she was REALLY bad at it, Klarth mused), but he'd had his line for the confrontation already picked out.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" Klarth screamed, even as Arche jumped back in surprise, before narrowing her eyes and putting her hands on her hips, still holding the pants. To Klarth's amazement, there was absolutely no sign of modesty on her face; almost as if she didn't think she'd been "Caught in the act" at all. Which made sense to Arche since she hadn't; at least not in the literal sense of the word.
"Putting on some clothes!" She fired nonchalantly. "What were you doing back in the party room? Everything was going fine before you pulled that little trick at the table…" She pointed at Cless with one hand. "I almost had him out of here!"
Klarth bypassed the last question in lieu of continuing the bickering that he'd begun, glaring back at the half-elf. "Putting them on? It looks more as if you're, oh… TAKING HIS CLOTHES OFF TO FULFILL YOUR PERVERSE, LUSTFUL TEMPERAMENT!"
Now Arche's face really did flush with embarrassment, somehow going past the pink hue of her hair and deepening until it was almost blood red, and she took a step backwards, clearing her throat. Unfortunately, she tripped over Cless, making an awkward grab to try and brace herself on the wall before toppling over him.
Naturally, Klarth used it in his favor; he'd studied his rhetoric, after all, and knew that sometimes grasping at straws and blowing them out of proportion was the best way to win an argument. Mirald had used the strategy on him to great affect…
"See? You can't get enough of him! Even now, you just want to feel the pulse of his heartbeat against your own, while you…"
"It's not like that at all! It's just that…" Arche stammered, trying to get off of Cless and pull his pants onto herself, having realized that she was still in a moderately embarrassing state of undress, and knowing that Klarth was quite a bit more perverted than he let on. She'd seen his reading material, after all. It was unfortunate that she didn't think to use it in her rebuttal, but she was too off-balance to think straight. Klarth's reappearance wasn't part of her plans.
Flashing a faint smile, the summoner decided to lend a helping hand. "…You can't wait to get into his pants?"
Arche stared at him in exasperation, even as she continued to try and pull Cless's pants up her legs, wondering why Klarth hadn't figured this out before. "That's what I've been trying to tell you! YES! I mean…" She paused for a second, noting the ear-splitting, smug grin that grew on Klarth's face. She realized what she'd said. "DAMN IT! That's not what I meant!"
"Sure it isn't…" Klarth taunted, looking away so Arche couldn't see the smirk that remained. He was enjoying this exchange entirely too much, if only because it flustered the normally flippant Arche. Defeated for the moment, she changed her tactics.
"Why can't you just leave me alone? I'm only trying to help Cless…" She whimpered, trying to let a crocodile tear slip down her cheek.
Klarth looked away, and for a moment, Arche thought that her lay-on-the-guilt approach was working. He turned back, and looked at Cless again, as if regarding him with sympathy, before returning to Arche.
"While you're 'helping', can you 'help' me in that way too? I'm a little tense…"
The stinging slap that ripped across Klarth's face was worth it, but even he had to raise his arms in defense as Arche tried to two-hit combo him, going for a bop on the head and a (she missed, but if Klarth had been hit, he'd have known) knee to the groin.
Klarth was laughing too hard to mount much of a defense. "Ow! OW! I was kidding! Kidding!"
"SURE you were… and you accuse me of being the bad one… pervert."
Despondent, Klarth threw up his arms and looked at Cless again. "Well, it's not like I'm taking your clothes off! And what are you doing in mine, anyway?"
"Will you just listen? I can't get him back to the inn and then go back to the party without his clothes! Now that they know that I'm not a guy… I have to wear his clothes, after I give him mine… er… yours."
"You're still thinking about the party? With him like this?" Arche's eyes lolled, rolling around before settling on Klarth again.
"Of course… Nancy and Mint and me, we came here to look for Cless… If Mint finds out that he's drunk, she might not forgive him, even though it probably wasn't golden boy's fault… I have to go pretend I haven't seen Cless, and then we can come back and find out that he left the party early, so that he could sleep like an angel. I'm taking him back to the inn to put him to bed, and then I'll be back!"
"…That's your plan?"
"Yup. Pretty good, huh?" She paused for a second, having finally gotten into Cless's pants, and now buttoned his shirt around her, before pointing a finger at Klarth in an accusing fashion. "It's working so far, despite you screwing it all up…"
Klarth ignored the blame, before deciding that it might be best if he and Arche joined forces, as he didn't want Mint to find out about the whole affair any more than Arche did. "Ehhh… Well… How about if I take Cless back to the room? This party is getting dangerously out of hand, and, well…" Klarth's voice trailed off, and Arche flashed a knowing grin. She'd been a happy, bouncy, loving, holy terror as a child, and though she hadn't had any siblings, she'd received enough scoldings from Lia Scarlet's parents to know how these schemes worked; someone else always got blamed instead of the actual victim.
"He got drunk on your watch, so you're worried Mint will reciprocate all over you, right? And you're worried that she will keep such a close eye on you that you won't get to have any fun for the rest of this journey, eh?" Arche very much doubted that Mint would do such a thing, but she knew she only had to appeal to Klarth's perspective. The look on Klarth's face told Arche all she needed to know, so she finished dressing herself (Klarth put Arche's…his, he reminded himself, clothes on Cless) as the witch made for the door, wearing the blue shirt and fine pants that Cless had originally entered the party with, though that seemed to be days ago.
Klarth actually watched her leave for a moment, before realizing how heavy Cless might be. "Hey! Where are you going? I can't get him out the window by myself!" Arche began skipping away merrily, pretending to ignore his pleas, before a sudden thought crossed her mind. Maybe she could derive a bit of pleasure from this incident.
"Okay, okay, but I get to push him out the window while you're pulling him up." She explained.
Klarth failed to grasp her reasoning. "That works, since I need to be out of here anyway, but…" Klarth glanced back at Cless, and his eyes narrowed in confusion. "…Why would you request such a circumstance? It'd be easier if I pushed, since I'm stronger…" Arche smiled all-knowingly again, as if Klarth just wouldn't understand.
Klarth just didn't get the idea that Arche would have to "grab the tush and push", as it were. Cless continued his blissful slumber, unaware that he was being passed out the window… Or that Arche was groping his rear end as he was pushed out. With Cless through the window, Arche and Klarth, in a rare moment of kinship, exchanged thumbs up. Klarth slunk hurriedly down the street as he dragged Cless with him. Arche skipped merrily away to see what she'd missed at the party, figuring that now she could be up to a bit of "no good".
By the time Nancy, Elwyn, and Mint recognized Gurk charging through the crowd, Gurk had long recognized them. The massive mound of flesh was none-the worse for wear from his earlier incident, though his foot was bandaged. He was steaming mad; his eyes containing the kind of blazing rage that could only be held by a charging dragon, and in his own twisted mind, he'd had good reason to be.
Unbeknownst to Elwyn, Gurk had managed to intimidate the judge of the three-legged race to disqualify everyone that had signed up before; but when Nancy and Mint had arrived, they'd taken Gurk out of the picture, interrupting him in the middle of his perceived victory meal. Afterwards, they'd participated in the contest and won it to boot. With the lump hauled off to the authorities, the judge hadn't seen any reason not to list "Pat M and N" as the rightful winners, particularly since their time of 30 seconds had SHATTERED Elwyn and Cless's time, to say nothing of Gurk's time.
Of course, none of that mattered now, as Gurk was charging towards them quickly enough to make Elwyn wonder why he hadn't shown that kind of speed during the competition. There were muscles coated in fat, not the other way around, and at his current velocity (Coupled with his girth) even Cless would have had trouble stopping the giant without the use of deadly force. Just the same, Nancy tensed, wondering if she would have to slug Gurk the way she had attempted to earlier at the party, and Mint briefly considered casting a barrier spell, though her disguise would easily have been blown then.
It was to Elwyn's great fortune that Gurk stopped in front of the three of them, huffing and puffing, his cheeks reddened either from anger or the exertion it had taken him to move such a small distance with such a great speed. Nancy and Mint exchanged puzzled looks, but Elwyn merely looked Gurk up and down, even as the crowd around them gasped at the interruption, familiar with the "fight" Gurk had had with Mint and Nancy earlier.
Elwyn decided to be civil, though in his heart he wanted to deal with Gurk even less than he wanted to deal with the gald. "Yes, buddy?"
Gurk growled, rearing himself up to his full height and glaring at Nancy and Mint as if they were in the wrong, before explaining itself. "They cheated! I demand a rematch! We shouldn't give away all that gald on one little race!"
Mint just shrugged and smiled awkwardly, but Nancy's eyes blazed with anger. She was about to march up to them and speak, but Elwyn beat her to it.
"Gurk… you lost fair and square, and this paper shows that you clearly lost… Just like my team did." His voice cracked slightly as he realized he was admitting defeat and that there was no way he'd be able to get the gald to buy new rings before the wedding. Gurk knew it, as Elwyn had come to him with an impassioned plea to lend him the money if he'd won the contest several hours earlier, before he'd spoken with Cless.
"But Elwyn…" Gurk began slowly, smiling all the while as if his anger had suddenly disappeared. Such manipulative tactics were his specialty, after all. "…Didn't you say you needed this gald because you lost your fiancé's…" Out of the corner of her eye, Mint saw Nancy stiffen, the wind suddenly removed from her sails at the reference to her. "…Wedding…ring? Don't you think she'll leave you if you don't have it? If I won it, I could give you a loan…"
Lost amid several sharp gasps from the crowd was one shrill voice murmuring, "Ouch! He did what?" No one else seemed to hear it, but the voice belonged to Arche. The witch, upon recognizing Gurk's voice, had contemplated running up to the stage in the defense of her friends, but had decided to stay put at the moment. Besides, the food and beverage tables were completely empty, with everyone else arranged in front of the podium. It wouldn't take much to cast a lightning spell from where she stood anyway, and Gurk was certainly deserving of one, If she deemed it necessary.
On stage, Elwyn grimaced, unable to think of a response. He'd have grimaced a lot more if he knew whom he was standing next to. Nancy was still frozen in shock, waiting to see how Elwyn reacted, while Mint contemplated this turn of events.
Elwyn stammered, trying to reply to Gurk's statement. But it was Nancy who stood beside him, and though Gurk's words had affected him in bringing the terrible truth out into the open, Nancy wasn't saddened. On the contrary…
…She was pissed. She strode forward to stand protectively in front of Elwyn, seeming to grow a good inch or two as she stood up straight, leaning forward and glaring at Gurk, hands on her hips. Gurk's statement had held the answer she'd been looking for, and she put it all together, bright girl that she was. Elwyn was worried about upsetting her because he'd lost the ring, which explained the reason he seemed in such poor spirits. Contrary to leaving him, she'd have cracked him upside the head if she'd thought he thought so little of her as for her to leave him because of a silly ring; but it was evident from the tone in Gurk's voice that the oaf had been manipulating Elwyn to feel as badly as he did.
"Do you have something to say, you cheater?" Gurk asked Nancy; knowing the crowd would be behind him for a rematch, out of sympathy for the groom to be. She sensed the shift, and though she didn't care one whit for the crowd's support, knew it might be the best way out of the situation. After all, Gurk had shown a capacity for violence before, and she doubted he'd be so easily stopped this time.
"Yes…" Nancy growled, turning to glance at Elwyn, before swinging her gaze from Gurk to encompass the entire crowd. She was pausing for words, and exhaled softly, trying to let her rage cool so that the bigger meaning of her message would shine through. This wasn't the kind of thing she was used to, speaking straight from the heart.
"I don't know how many of you know Nancy, but I've heard that she's a sweet, loving woman… with possibly the greatest fiancé that a woman could ask for…"
Elwyn blinked in confusion, wondering how in the hell this person who he didn't even remember could step up to the plate for him and Nancy, but he remained silent.
"…I don't think she cares at all about the ring, because I'm not…" Nancy fidgeted abruptly, and Mint grimaced, but she caught herself and no one seemed to notice. "Er… she's not one to judge someone on material possessions! Why, when she met him, she was disappointed because she was worried he wouldn't talk to her because she didn't have much money… And then they had to deal with the father of the groom, and they convinced him that their relationship was the right thing, and I think that… if two people can get through all those obstacles, and still love each other just as much, then Nancy shouldn't and wouldn't care if the ring she was getting was made of gald, diamonds… or wood. Love isn't about some silly rock or precious metal! Love is about the general caring, the companionship two people have… I don't think Nancy would care about this gald at all, even if it could buy those rings… Elwyn shouldn't worry about it… Because they've both already got the greatest treasure in the world. I don't think she's in this for the money… I know she isn't." She glanced around at the crowd, some of them notably moved by her words, and grinned, pointing a light finger to poke herself right in the chest. "At least, that's what I think."
Elwyn looked down at the ground with a quizzical look on his face; but his cheeks were blushing red. How could a complete stranger have described his history so eloquently? How had he forgotten the very spirit of the woman he planned to marry in a few days?
Mint started to applaud softly, and members of the crowd began to follow suit, moved by Nancy's words… although, feeling that the situation had defused, one pink-haired member of the crowd snuck away to sip at an unattended wine bottle. No one seemed to notice, as they'd been captivated by Nancy's speech. Nancy smiled proudly and stepped back, thinking her work done.
Gurk fumbled for an argument of his own, perhaps to sway Elwyn to see things his way again; to force a rematch… And then, he had it. He stepped forward and pointed a greasy finger at Nancy, who stopped in her tracks and regarded him. "Wait just a second, you! It's only natural that you'd be saying all these things… you just want the gald for yourself! Just like Nancy, contrary to what you would say! Why else would she see something in Elwyn…"
Gurk realized what he was saying and shut his trap, but it was too late, and for the first time that night, Elwyn was incensed, as he jumped to his feet and glared at Gurk. His faith in his love had been restored, but at Gurk's retort, the crowd started to wonder again. As much as some of them might have hated to admit Gurk did have an argument, at least if they assumed that the stranger defending Elwyn and Nancy really was just after the money. But Gurk had also crossed the line at his comment about Elwyn, and he knew it.
"I didn't mean it quite like that…" Gurk began, realizing that he had an even slimmer chance at the gald if Elywn didn't believe he was a friend.
"You… You…" Elwyn stammered, his face beet red, finger pointing squarely at Gurk.
Gurk merely snorted and threw his hands out, trying to press the advantage he had left. Rallying the public to support him was the only way he was going to succeed, now. "Look! He can't even speak! He knows I'm right!"
Elwyn took another step forward, looking as if he would tear his childhood 'friend' apart with his bare hands, but Nancy held up a hand to stop him, smiling coyly. Gurk didn't anticipate the response at all, as confusion crinkled his piggish visage. Nancy had decided that it was time to pull the only trump card she'd had left, one that she knew would work. It was time for the party to be over.
She wheeled around and grabbed Elwyn in skinny arms that belied her strength, to several shocked, confused stares from the audience and a snort of surprise by Gurk, to say nothing of the look on Elwyn's face. He wasn't sure whether to struggle, but the wink the man holding him gave him somehow convinced him to do nothing, as if he'd seen the wink before. It put him at ease.
"Gurk…" She began, "You raise a mildly convincing argument… but..." She turned her head back to smile at Elwyn. "I think I know the bride-to-be a little better than you do, and she's nothing like the woman you just described…" Nancy paused for affect. "Now get the hell out of here before I get really, really, mad."
Elwyn opened his mouth to ask for an explanation, thoroughly confused by the stranger at this point, and wondering why he was in his arms. Gurk opened his mouth to reply, and that was when Nancy turned and kissed Elwyn full on the lips. The act had the desired effect, as the entire crowd stopped and stared, Gurk included.
For a moment Elwyn's eyes widened in surprise, and he shrunk away, before he realized that he knew those lips and more importantly, knew those gentle, liquid eyes that lay upon him. He'd gazed into them so many times on moonlit nights, in his family's estate, in her family's shack, and somehow he knew exactly who was standing in front of him.
"Nancy…?" He whispered, making the name a question. Nancy nodded; smiling the sweetest smile she could muster, while marveling as the entire days' worry seemed to disappear from her beloved's face. How had he ever forgotten what was really important in a relationship: unconditional love? They were about to steal another smooch when Mint coughed in a less than coincidental manner.
The two parted; only to see that approximately fifty-five pairs of eyes, Gurk's included, continued to stare at them in shock. No one said a word; that is, except for a slightly drunken, slurred voice belonging to the fifty-sixth pair of eyes, which were pink in hue. Nancy's speech had taken a fair amount of time… and Arche had had a fair amount to drink.
"WHOOOO! Now here's some entertainment I can get… hic… Into… Take it off, boys!"
This comment prompted the fifty-seventh pair of eyes to be obscured by a pair of hands, as Mint covered her face in embarrassment at Arche's antics. None of the eyes mattered to Elwyn and Nancy, hands clasped together, as they smiled at the rest of the crowd. In the silence, Gurk suddenly snapped out of his shock, shrieked, "I knew it!" And ran for the gald, grabbing it into his chunky arms and running for the window as fast as his stumpy legs would carry him.
The tinkle of glass shattering didn't disrupt the happy moment, though Gurk wound up tearing a good chunk out of the wall with him.
No one seemed to care, though Mint wondered if she should do something heroic. She made for the window, but Nancy motioned for her to stay put.
"Let him go… consider the gald enough for him to be out of Elwyn's hair forever." She grinned, before grabbing Elwyn and pulling him back towards her. He wasn't getting away that easily, not after what she'd gone through to reach him during the party.
As Mint watched the breadth of Nancy and Elwyn's smiles, she couldn't help feeling as if she'd helped heal one of the most important things she'd helped create. And, she mused, if this was what Bachelor Party's were like, maybe parties weren't so bad after all!
One particularly bold member of the crowd stepped forward, he was one of Elwyn's old friends from the boarding school they'd both attended; and it was he that ultimately broke the crowd's silence that followed Gurk's departure.
"Um… Elwyn…" He began sheepishly, a bead of sweat dripping down his face, his cheeks reddening slightly, "Everything's cool and all… It's your party… and we all respect you and anything you might… um… want to do before you're a married man tomorrow… but why are you kissing that… guy?"
"That's no guy, that's my fiancé." Elwyn replied pointedly, as if that explained everything. He was on such an emotional high that he hadn't realized that the rest of them had no idea Nancy was really Nancy, and instead just saw him giving passionate kisses to another guy, which made quite a few of them just a bit uncomfortable. Mint stepped forward besides Elwyn and Nancy.
"I think maybe I should explain…" Mint began, before removing Cless's cloak with a flourish and eliminating her disguise. She was secretly hoping Cless would recognize her now and come up to see what was going on, possibly while she delivered her explanation.
"We… well… Nancy and Arche and me anyway… Were bored and wanted to see what all the fuss was about; and I wanted to visit my friend Cless…" She stopped, craning her neck around in vain, but didn't see him return her look, since he wasn't exactly there. "…And then we saw that Elwyn was upset and knew we had to help him and… Um… We won a race! And now we're here, and that's…" She pointed at Nancy. "Not a guy, but really his fiancé, and that guy over there, that pink-haired one with the bottles… oh my… is really our friend…" She squinted in disbelief, and her cheeks reddened. "Um… Our friend… Arche… She's the one sitting there… wearing the punch bowl on her head and trying to take off… oh dear… Excuse me."
Mint paled and stepped down from the stage. She sprinted for the table, where the inebriated witch was putting up quite a fuss about something for anyone who was around to hear.
Nancy and Elwyn's could only stare for a moment, before Elwyn decided he'd better take care of the guests before everyone turned to see what was going on with Mint and Arche… He wasn't sure who would win the battle.
"Go home, and thanks for attending! The party's over… I expect to see all of you and your significant others… at the wedding, okay?" He was about to continue his dismissal when a cry of,
"LEAVE THE CLOTHES ON? BUT I'M SO HOT!" Echoed from the beverage table, followed by Mint's frantic whisper.
"Arche, Arche! You're in public… Calm down… Be a good… girl… please?"
Mint didn't have much experience with this sort of thing, so she was basically repeating verbatim the way her mother had calmed her down when she was a child. Unfortunately, as an obedient child to begin with, she didn't quite grasp how hard it would be to calm down someone who was disobedient.
Nancy grimaced, let go of Elwyn's hand and ran over to the table to assist with the continuing struggle. Finally free of most interruption, Elwyn continued his dismissal while ignoring the shrieks of protest that were coming from the table.
"Gift-bags on the left on your way out… No, not that left! Yes yes, that's the way… keep everything moving…" More voices interrupted Elwyn's edict as he continued to try to direct traffic both towards the doors and away from the table. He smiled awkwardly, as Mint and Nancy shouted behind him, resisting the urge to turn around and watch what was going on.
"Hold her down please Nancy! I think a purify spell will work… I hope…"
"LET GO!" Arche screamed, flailing her legs.
"OW! Arche, quit kicking! Hurry up, Mint!"
"Be good to your families… Yes yes, I'll make sure there's rum at the wedding tomorrow Captain… No, there will be NO female entertainment… Good night… Keep moving, nothing to see here…"
"Purify!"
"LET GO!"
"I guess it didn't work, Mint…"
"Y…yeah…" Mint stammered, shocked that, for the first time in her life, she'd actually failed to cast a spell. Arche squirmed away, and for a moment, she was ignored, as Nancy let out a resigned sigh.
"Maybe we should just let her do whatever it is she's doing until she calms down?" Nancy was frustrated at this point.
"N… Nancy! She's going to run around naked if we let her!"
"So? All the guys except for Elwyn are gone… And he's not a lecherous sort… I… think…"
Elwyn jumped in to pat his fiancé's shoulder reassuringly, having ushered out the last of the guests. "Of course not!"
"But… What if she got out to the streets?" Mint explained. "They're not always of a pure heart out there…"
"True…"
Elwyn slipped away, returning with a bottle he'd produced from somewhere in the back. To be specific though, bottle wasn't really the word. For one thing; it was much thicker and broader; kind of like a jug, though it still had a long neck. It looked to contain about a gallon of whatever it carried, and Elwyn was very careful in his approach, holding it in both hands.
"I think this will work. I planned to use it if Gurk got out of control with the drinking and all, but it turns out that we didn't have to worry about it. It's um… whatsit… a sleeping potion!"
Cautiously, Mint motioned for it, pulled out the cork and sniffed it, before turning away and making a face despite trying very hard not to.
"What… is it made of?"
Elwyn shrugged.
"Don't know. But it's the world's greatest sleeping potion. You take a sip of that; you'll be out for quite awhile. It's harmless though, as long as you take it in liberal doses…" He placed the jug down on the table with a heavy Thud. "Unfortunately, this is a liberal dose for Gurk."
Mint appeared to seriously consider it for a minute, but no matter how much she might've wanted to do it, her upbringing and conscience wouldn't let her take such an underhanded easy way out.
"I don't know if… well… drugging Arche is an answer…"
"The guy who sold it to me said it wasn't harmful; they use it to quiet patients that might otherwise injure themselves by moving; or on rowdy patrons. I don't really remember which." Elwyn replied.
"But Arche isn't hurt, and it doesn't seem very nice to do so…" Mint began. Nancy ran up behind her and shook her shoulder frantically, having kept a wary eye on Arche as Mint and Elwyn debated the ethics of the procedure.
Urgency tinged her voice. "Mint! Mint! Arche's almost got her belt undone! She started on that when she couldn't figure out how to unbutton her shirt."
"I'll take it!" Mint finished. "Give it to me; I'll find some way to make her drink it. How much should she take?"
Elwyn thought about it for a moment, before scooping a mug off the ground and filling it with the jug's contents, about 1/4th of the way full. "This much, I would imagine. I'm not really an apothecary or anything." Needless to say, he didn't sound entirely sure.
Nancy tackled Arche; trying to keep her from undoing the final loop in the belt she was wearing. The two held an impromptu wrestling match for a moment, while Elwyn regarded Mint, whose eyes suddenly burst wide open, a slight smile on her face.
"Silly me! Elwyn, we won't need to use the drug… that wasn't purify I cast, it was…"
Arche abruptly stood up; arms bulging with strength that Nancy didn't think the witch possessed, and Nancy found herself at Elwyn. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOA! Help, someone!" Nancy shrieked, even as Elwyn scrambled, dropping the jug and the mug, which shattered into pieces on the floor. .
"…Sharpness…" Mint finished, wincing and running over to heal Elwyn, who'd caught his fiancé but somehow sprained his ankle in the process.
Arche let out a wild whoop of victory, and ran away, prompting Nancy, Elwyn, and Mint to stare at each other helplessly.
"I really think the purify spell will work…" Mint murmured.
A loud crash echoed from one of the back rooms.
"If we can catch her…"
"Maybe she'll just wear herself out…" Nancy mumbled half-heartedly.
"The last time she drank that sort of stuff, all she did was go to sleep, or so Klarth told me…" Mint murmured helplessly.
"Just the same, if you guys find a way to attend the wedding; I hope you won't be offended if we don't let her drink anything…" Elwyn began.
"You'll have to take that up with her, Elwyn… I wouldn't mind, but Arche can be very hard to say no to… By the way, have you seen Cless?"
"Um… Well, I did run the race with him, but that was quite a while ago… Mr. Lester said something about an accident and him drinking a little bit, but I don't know much about that… I know he didn't do anything bad on purpose though, and he really worked hard to help me out with the… er…" Elwyn glanced at Nancy sheepishly. "Ring situation."
He looked as if he wanted to say more, but Nancy would have nothing of it, patting his back and interrupting him. "Don't worry about it; our wedding will be fantastic regardless, because of who I'm spending it with." She smiled at Elwyn.
"THAT'S RIGHT! ME! QUEEN OF THE ELVES!" Arche screamed from atop the podium, interrupting the sweet moment.
Elwyn, Mint, and Nancy glanced at each other, the breath leaving their lungs in the form of a worn-out, collective sigh, as Arche made the statement again and leapt through the hole Gurk had exited through.
"I think I'm ready to try that potion on her, Elwyn… If it has any adverse affect I'll just heal it anyway…" Mint explained, utterly defeated.
Love can be a silly thing sometimes. Just when you think it's gone, you find that it's back, and sometimes when you've given up all hope, it returns. Such was the case for Klarth F Lester's hat. Klarth had trudged into the inn dragging Cless behind him, half-heartedly throwing his hat onto the hat rack so that it landed right next to Mint's hat. Though Klarth's hat wasn't much for conversation, it was still the most gorgeous hat Mint's hat had ever seen. For now, that was enough, and a relaxing night for both hats beckoned, since neither of their owners was wearing them (Though Klarth's hat wondered why it'd spent most of the evening on the head of that snippy, pink-haired little girl. The hat and Klarth apparently agreed on a lot of things.)
On the opposite side of the room, Klarth was propped up in a chair, realizing that his "day off" had been anything but relaxing. The party had been enjoyable until Cless had gone crazy and Arche had showed up, but what had drained him most of all had been dragging Cless through the streets and up the inn's flight of stairs. He was a summoner, not a mathematician, but if he had to figure it out: he reckoned that he'd been enjoying himself for about an hour and wishing he was back out on the road for the next seven. It was only now that he could sit in the chair and curl up with his tome, having put Cless to bed. The book was anything but light reading, but it suited him, and he got to spend so little private time nowadays, repeating its eldritch symbols until they became second nature. He was tempted to take a private trek down to Euclid to view his library and visit Mirald, but had overheard that the sea was calm, and that they could leave for Thor tomorrow.
Cless had tried to read his tome once, and had asked Klarth why it was written backwards, prompting Klarth to explain that they weren't backwards letters, but mystical symbols. Arche had done nothing but tease him about it, since she "didn't need to use that sort of nonsense" to invoke her magic. Klarth had testily retorted that Arche had needed to find her own books of spells to memorize; but it had never been a problem for Arche, ever since Edward Morrison had lent her his esteemed book, "Cliffnotes for the Arcane". Arche was bright enough to digest the spell books by themselves, but "Why work when you don't have to?" had been her philosophy.
Klarth actually agreed with it, but he was the only summoner on the planet, and so he'd rejected Morison's partnership offer to write, "Cliff notes for Summoners". At the thought of Arche, he grimaced and wondered if he should have the hat washed.
Arriving at a particularly boring part of the tome, Klarth decided that that was as good a spot to stop his practice. He put his hands between his head and was just about to doze off when he heard the sounds of someone coming up the steps, prompting him to straighten in his seat. He wanted to look casual to greet the newcomer, though he had a pretty good guess that it would be Mint. Arche tended to take steps two or three at a time when she didn't have her broom, and the sounds were of a quieter sort. Mint was always quiet.
The door swung open, and Mint marched in. The healer appeared in the most miserable condition Klarth had ever seen her in. She was drenched in rain, worn out from her walk, and was carrying something wrapped in Cless's cloak, slung over her shoulder. The armored portion of her disguise was dented, and there was dirt all over her, as if she'd been in a fight. Klarth resisted the urge to burst into laughter, though the corners of his mouth raised ever so slightly. Had it been Arche, or even Cless, he wouldn't have tried to contain it, but he found it impossible to not feel bad for Mint. Besides, he contemplated; maybe she'd been mugged, and then there wouldn't have been a laughing matter at all.
"Rough night?" He asked, immediately regretting it, since his eyes revealed the truth well enough.
In a most uncharacteristic response, Mint merely grunted and set the bundle she was carrying down with precise care. With the exertion she seemed to express putting it down, he concluded that it was heavier then it looked; yet she'd set it down with the grace of a elder cat. With that as evidence, Klarth didn't even need to ask Mint where Arche was.
"Makes you think it's made of reinforced steel, you know?"
Mint's face crinkled in confusion. "What?"
Klarth pointed to a corner of the room, where Arche's broom lay. "The broom. She's heavier than she looks, so isn't it logical to presume the broom is made of more than simple wood?" Klarth grinned, trying to get Mint to smile at his joke.
Mint shrugged, ignoring the question. "It wasn't so bad... Cless was heavier. I had to carry him once… Arche was like a holiday compared to that."
Klarth smirked, recalling how much easier he'd thought it had been to conduct Cless home. "I'll have to disagree with you there… Having carried them both, I wonder what makes her so heavy…"
"What do you mean?" Mint asked, unable to recall a time Klarth had had to carry Cless, and Klarth realized he'd slipped up.
"Um, nothing… So what did you say happened at the rest of the party? I figured when I saw Arche that you were there… And your outfit seems to indicate that you snuck in the same way she did, if I may be so bold."
"It's a long story… Nancy was there too…" Mint motioned towards Arche and her bedroom; never thinking of herself even when she was physically exhausted. She stooped down to grasp the witch's ankles. "Grab her arms, would you? I think she needs to get some sleep…"
"Right…" Klarth said, hoisting her up and being careful not to bump Arche's head off the door. "So, what happened? How was the party? Arche told me everything right before I left with Cless."
"Really…?" Mint's face crinkled in confusion, as she tried to piece together what she remembered from the night. "She told me that she hadn't seen you when I asked her if she knew where you and Cless had gone off to… Though I guess she was a bit… indisposed at the time, as Nancy and I had finally cornered her on the streets."
"Shit." Klarth thought. "What's with me tonight? I almost blew it TWICE already. If Mint finds out what Cless did, she might be heartbroken… When'd I become so sentimental?"
"Now now, can you really trust what Arche says?" Klarth said, looking at her sinisterly and hoping Mint would buy it. "She looks rather… out of sorts right now. You still haven't told me what happened…"
"Arche got a little too into the party near the end, and afterwards we had to chase her through the streets …"
Klarth moved to unwrap the cloak, and a stinging slap suddenly met his hand. He looked up to see that it was Mint herself who had given the blow. She winced slightly as if in apology; she really hadn't meant to strike him so hard! But the long day had taken its toll, and Mint was as close to breaking as Klarth had ever seen her.
"Don't unwrap the cloak! She's not exactly decent under there."
Klarth figured that that was as good a reason as any to continue unwrapping the cloak, but he wasn't about to try it with Mint watching him like a hawk. He acquiesced, leading the way into Arche's room, holding the bundled witch by the legs. Klarth couldn't resist the urge to comment as the two placed her in her bed.
"Is that twice she's run around naked in a single day?"
Mint groaned. "Well, I don't think she meant to do it either time… She's just very…"
"Exuberant? Promiscuous? Stupid?"
"Silly. I wonder how she'd have turned out if she'd had her mother around."
"Probably the same… It doesn't matter, since we'll never know."
Mint nodded her agreement, and a sardonic smile creased her face. "Yeah… Is Cless asleep yet? I wanted to check on him… I heard some rumors about what he was doing at the party… I wanted to make sure he wasn't really drinking anything he wasn't supposed to..."
Unconsciously, Klarth began to sweat, but if Mint noticed, she didn't show it. "Sure, he's sleeping like he did the day we fought Gnome… I remember he was running all over the place trying to get the little SOB…"
"Good… I'll just be a moment." She tromped off, leaving Klarth alone with Arche, who snored softly. Klarth couldn't help but note that she didn't appear to be dreaming, recalling the last time he'd heard her dream. She had snuggled into the cloak, and the cloak billowed around her more like a normal blanket, much like her hair, which Mint had thoughtfully allowed to roam free.
Klarth turned away to leave the room, before a primal, sinister urge crossed his mind. He glanced back at Arche, who continued her snores, looking almost angelic, so peaceful was her face. Klarth shrugged. So fate was trying to tempt him, was it? Well, he wasn't going to back down from the challenge… Rather, he accepted it willingly. Mirald would understand, though he'd never willingly let her find out. He was just undergoing a visual, scientific investigation concerning the anatomical differences of half-elves! Just a peak, after all.
He leaned over ever so carefully, and took a pinch of the cloak in his hands, preparing to lift the makeshift blanket and embark upon his own personal peep show for no more than a few seconds. Slowly. Quietly.
"Just a tug, and a slow, methodical lift, and…"
Unfortunately, just as he was pulling the cloak back, Mint's voice broke the silence, startling him and prompting him to pull on the cloak, though not one bit of Arche was revealed.
"Whoa!" Mint screamed, the sound coming from somewhere behind him.
"Blast!" Klarth shrieked, looking to his left frantically, praying that Mint was still in Cless's room and not in the doorway.
The doorway was indeed vacant, and Klarth breathed a sigh of relief... Until he turned his head back to see Arche sleepily opening one eye and pulling the cloak back towards her. Arche hadn't relinquished her blanket, and the cloak was much larger than Klarth had anticipated, but as that eye glanced at him and closed lazily again, he froze. He was about to leave when Arche started mumbling, and his heart skipped a few beats as it accelerated to critical mass. Klarth F. Lester did NOT like surprises. The one he got next was a whole lot worse than the normal kind, though.
"Klarth… My sweet…" Arche murmured dreamily, tugging the cloak back towards her and rolling on her other side, "You're hogging the blankets, and it's so cold… Mmmm…"
Not wanting to acknowledge the words, nor willing to process what they might have meant in Arche's subconscious, Klarth turned, his face looking as if he'd just thrust his hand into a bucket of ice water. He wanted to scream, though he wasn't sure whether it would be out of disgust or fear. Mint would have surely heard him as he did, so he was content to leave his mouth wide open in the parody of a scream as he ran out of the room. As soon as he crossed the doorway, he closed his mouth and jogged into Cless's room, trying to appear as if he'd come urgently to Mint's side.
"What…" His voice squeaked, and Mint looked at him curiously, the urgency he'd heard in her voice curiously non-existent on her face. Swallowing, Klarth regained his composure, and his voice regained its edge. "What is it?" He said, more deeply this time.
"What's wrong?" Mint asked, noting the exertion on his face and the speed with which he'd come into the room, not to mention the fact that Klarth seemed a bit unsettled. Klarth was the most "settled" person she knew.
"You called me." Klarth retorted, unsure what to make of all this. He had joked about being old, but he was only 29… was he going senile? Maybe summoning made one eventually go crazy. He'd never looked up the specifics on it, but…
"No… I didn't… I just tripped over something…" Mint explained, frowning, before she nodded towards Cless. "But now that you mention it, why is Cless wearing your clothes?"
Klarth said nothing, the realization of just how badly he'd screwed up masking his face, as his mouth dropped wide open. He'd forgotten to change Cless after he'd brought him back to the room, living proof that Arche and Cless had swapped disguises… if Mint could figure it out.
"Klarth? Are you all right?" Mint nudged him gently, knocking him out of his thoughts.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine… What did you ask me?" Klarth replied, hoping that her answer would bring denial.
"Oh." Mint smiled sweetly. "I was just wondering why Cless was wearing your clothes… Couldn't he find his pajamas or something? You know, those ones with the horses on? Your clothes don't seem to fit him very well… I didn't think you had more than one set."
"What? Oh, yes… many sets of those clothes…" Klarth muttered, mumbling something about 'close calls' that Mint barely heard.
"What?" Mint only stared at him and Klarth realized his relief had been a bit too loud. She glanced at him another second, wondering if he was hiding something, before shaking her head and looking back to Cless. "Help me get him changed into his pajamas, will you? It might not seem as… improper if he's sleeping in those, and he's wearing things underneath, right?"
"Right…" Klarth hesitated, remembering Arche's reaction to Cless earlier earlier that night. "You're not going to enjoy this, are you?"
Mint snorted, looking offended. "Don't be silly. That's why you're here… Maybe I'd be tempted to give him a hug or something if you weren't around… I think I sort of… um…"
Klarth rolled his eyes; eager to take Mint away from wondering why Cless wasn't dressed in his real clothes. He'd been expecting this for awhile, and although he would normally have preferred to bequeath his wisdom on love to Mint at another time, decided that anything was better than her finding out what Cless had been doing.
"You don't have to explain it to me. You're sweet for the guy. You've been watching Elwyn and Nancy, and seeing them so happy together has forced you to assess the men in your life that you might have that sort of attachment with. Right? And it's clear that you don't have any sentiment for me, and I have my dear Mirald anyway, so that leaves Cless, right? And I get the sense that you've felt that way for awhile."
Mint looked down at the ground, cheeks becoming rosier and rosier, wondering how Klarth had explained it so clearly. "Right." She tossed Klarth the pajama pants, and he continued working, wondering for the umpteenth time that night how he'd become the patriarch of the group.
Finishing the pants, he chuckled and turned back to Mint. "I figured it was something like that, when Arche told me you were so desperate to find Cless at the party, but didn't say anything about me… Not that I can't take care of myself, but…"
Mint blinked in surprise. "How… did you know?" Mint asked, handing Klarth Cless's shirt. Cless remained asleep throughout the changing, much as he had earlier. Klarth didn't understand the nature of the question, and turned back to Mint, grinning. Did he have to explain that most of the aspects of Cless and Mint's budding relationship were so obvious? He failed to realize that Mint was referring to Klarth's knowledge of Mint's fears at the party, rather than Klarth knowing that Mint had a "thing" for Cless.
"That? Well… I've just been around longer than you, or Cless, or Arche. An older gentleman picks up on a few of these things… Besides, you always heal him first. Maybe it's because he's… and I use the term broadly… our shield, or our leader, but I figured that wasn't all it. That was part of it… It's obvious to me, which is ironic I think…" He looked up to see that Mint had acquired a sour expression on her face, looking more motherly than anyone Klarth had seen. Unfortunately, it wasn't the nurturing, loving kind of motherly look; it was the pissed-off, "What did you get into now" type of look. Klarth knew that look. Mirald usually used it on him when she knew he'd screwed up. He shut his mouth the way he would have had Mirald trained the glare on him.
"Uh oh."
"Klarth F Lester…"
"Great. Mirald always uses my full name too."
"…That's twice now you've said you talked to Arche at that party, while she was pretty adamant that she hadn't ever talked to you. Earlier you said you and Cless had left the party early and hadn't really seen us at all except for that one incident you pulled on her… which is it? What aren't you telling me? Why aren't you telling me? And why is Cless REALLY dressed in your clothes?"
"Next time I need to get my stories straight with Miss Poofy Pants. Damn, damn damn. What now? You've got to think, Klarth! She just said she feels for Cless, admitted it even… will she accept the truth?"
Klarth beckoned towards the main room of their quarters, where the table and its inviting, protective chairs sat. He was trying to speak soothingly, which was a sharp contrast from his usual voice.
"How much do you love Cless?" He murmured innocently.
Mint pondered the sudden question, her anger diminishing. She certainly hadn't expected to be faced with something like this! "I don't know, I've never been in love before, but… a lot, I guess." She smiled slightly.
Klarth exhaled, hoping that this would be easier than he thought. "Good." He pulled out a chair for her to sit in. "Sit down."
Mint acquiesced, and Klarth began to explain the entire thing.
Cless Alvein dreamed of simple things; swords, and friendships, of Mint, his family, and steak, and bread (The two major food groups). He'd have dreamt of Chester, but that had been a recurring nightmare in which Chester had begged Cless to let him try the "Shoot an apple off of your head" trick. Not having to deal with that nightmare, he slept on peacefully, now clad in his favorite pajamas, unaware that he hadn't even gone to sleep in them.
Arche Klaine dreamt of complex things, or whatever suited her fancy. Her subconscious wasn't something that would take no for an answer; it would come up with the dream, and she would shut up and acknowledge it for whatever it was worth. She didn't quite know why her subconscious had conjured up a massive, animate Teddy Bear that held the name "Klarth", or why it tried to hog all her blankets, for she was in the world's largest, most comfortable bed in her dream. Everything was fuzzy, and she enjoyed snuggling with the "Klarthy Bear" into a secure pocket of warmth. She'd have enjoyed snuggling with the "Klarthy Bear" even more if she'd known how her subconscious murmurings had driven Klarth crazy, as the real Klarth had perceived she was dreaming about something sexual rather than something… snuggle-ful.
And so, Arche and Cless were a pair of blissful dreamers, worn out from the party, a bit too much drink, and an unforgettable set of circumstances. It seemed as if not even a thunderstorm would wake them, nor even a hurricane. Heck, an Indignation spell might not have worked.
As a result, it took two seconds for both of them to bolt upright in bed and drive all the clouds of liquor from their heads, as Mint's thunderous, uncharacteristic scream of,
"YOU DID WHAT!" Echoed through the Alvanista inn.
After a lifetime of trials, and a night full of every harrowing experience known to the patient-minded healer, Mint had finally reached her breaking point.
Suffice to say, given the present state of everyone concerned after the "day of relaxation", it was time to go to Thor, even if the innkeeper didn't kick the four of them out the next morning, citing rowdiness and "disruptive noises" late at night.
