This Is How It Goes

By Bec 2005

Disclaimer: All the usual stuff, all characters to Ch7, Southern Star, etc. Lyrics belong to George 'Breathe in Now' and Missy Higgins 'This is how it goes'

Life is always changing and you never know which way it will go. SJ

I sit here. Waiting. He strolls in, shoots a grin to Kelly, a 'Hey Sarg' to Mark and punches Lex on the arm. PJ and Amy are out on a case. Joss is an idiot, but even he'll probably get a 'God what have you done?' or 'You moron, let me' at some point during the day. The Boss is almost insufferable now; lucky for us he stays in his office all day, except for the few occasions when he'll stomp out to yell a warning to someone, before trudging back in. Poor guy really, he's done it tough. I think for awhile we were all waiting for him to simmer down to his old self, after the Baxter ordeal. But it seems the world's hardened him too much for him to melt into who he was. So he sits there, day after day, really just a shadow of the guy we remember. Seems to be catching. I keep my head down as he walks past, I don't want him to look him in the eye. Don't want to see what might be there, or worse what might not be.

There's a sudden whack and I look up reflexively. I catch Joss hastily snatching a lamp off the ground, but my eyes quickly are drawn elsewhere. It is as if for a moment I'm being controlled and I can't look away. My eyes travel to Jonesy, who senses me looking at him and turns. For a moment his eyes meet mine and I tentatively attempt a smile. He looks for a moment and then nods and before he suddenly turns away. What does that mean? That moment he looked in my eyes – was he searching for something? The nod – was it just a dismissive acknowledgement of my presence? Or something else? I quickly shelve that idea – the quick jerk of the head confirms in my mind, that he couldn't wait to tear his eyes off me.

I feel my mind running over the same worn tracks, traveling to a place I've been so many times before of the why's and how's and what if's. And once again it stops at the same destination. The 'you had your chance and you blew it'. Gone are the times I would look up and see him smiling his cheeky grin at me. Hell, he no longer even looks up if I walk out of the station. Gone are the days where the URST was so high between us I suspected the windows were close to fragmenting. There isn't even a spark anymore. Kelly has stopped plotting ways for us to get together – even her eager optimism to see us together has shrunk to the occasional raised eyebrow. She knows it won't happen. I've stuffed him around too much…Jedd, Ben and then Lex…bloody Lex. I'd made such a mess of things. But it hadn't seemed like it at the time.

I felt that I deserved it. I'd asked Jonesy out. A week in advance. We'd booked a restaurant and I was getting excited. After so many mishaps, I thought it was finally happening. And then it comes to the night and I ask him what time he wants to meet and he looks at me with guilty eyes. The Commander was visiting tonight. He knew we'd had plans but his dad had called saying they were having dinner that night. He said he was sorry but that he couldn't let him down. Of course he couldn't. So yet again, he let me down instead.

So I'd walked out straight into Lex, the new leading senior connie who was everything Jonesy wasn't. New, spontaneous and upfront. I was fed up with waiting. I wanted someone who wouldn't beat me around the bush, who wouldn't string me along. Lex was upfront and sincere. And most importantly he was right there.

He bought me a drink. Then I shouted him a round. And it kind of just progressed. It was reckless and stupid. But swimming in anger and frustration and bourbon I felt like I deserved this.

But it was still wrong. And I still fucked his best mate.

The next morning I'd woken up with a sense of reckless abandon. A sense of giddy freedom I hadn't felt in ages. I sat up to a sunny day, a fresh start and a 101 message.

"I'm really sorry about last night Suse. You walked out before I could explain fully, but I understand why you did. Last night was a mess but it was Dylan's one year anniversary. The old guy was doing it tough and wanted me to visit the grave with him. I needed to do it. It was hard stuff, but I'm glad I did it. I'm just sorry you had to suffer because of it. Grab me when you get to work and we'll make arrangements for next time, okay?"

And it all came crashing down.

I found myself running, as soon as I realized what I'd done. I ran through his house, out the door – and smack into Jonesy. I'd forgotten about the change of living arrangements. The fact that they now lived in the same house. For a moment he looked at me and I looked at him. And we both knew.

Cause I only have one second, this minute today.

His face changed from shock, to disgust, to anger. I wanted to explain but I couldn't. I was frozen. And he then he turned and stormed out, slamming the door. And somehow I knew he was walking out of my life forever.

Can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now

All I want to do is go back and do it again. Make it right. But I can't. It's done and set in concrete. I've fucked up my life. I just want out. I want the words that will make him believe me. But they just won't come

Suddenly I can't stay in this room.

You'll never sway, and I have nothing left that I can think of to say.

I tried to make it up to him. I did. I tried to talk to him. I tried to explain that I hadn't realized, I was angry and disappointed, I hadn't known. Lex even tried to talk to him but Jonesy wouldn't have a bar of it. He said the thought of his best mate and the girl he thought he loved sleeping together made him want to throw up. He won't let it go. He won't forgive me.

But then, I wouldn't forgive me either.