CHAPTER TWO
Disclaimer:
All the usual stuff, all characters to Ch7, Southern
Star,
etc. Lyrics used belong to The Dandy Warhols 'We used to be
friends' and No Doubt 'Don't Speak'.
Life is always changing and you never know which way it will go. SJ
I look at her once, just trying to catch her eye. To try and catch an insight to what she might be thinking. I used to be able to read her like a book, but not anymore.
She still thinks I'm angry with her. And I suppose I am…kind of. Seeing her that morning and realizing what had happened…I cracked the shits. I know I did. But it was just the thought of her and Alex…together…I guess it made me not only feel betrayed and angry…but jealous. Really jealous, with just one question in my mind – how the hell did he do that? Just blitz in, charm everyone in the station and just sweep Susie off her feet? What does he have that I don't? We've been tip-toeing around each other for so long. I thought we'd finally kind of made progress – found a plateau even, after the mistletoe kiss at the pub – but then after the holiday break we just found ourselves back in the same position as we had been in months earlier. The months with Jedd and Ben and Donna…and then Alex came. And now it kind of seems like it's all over.
A long time ago
We used to be friends
A long time ago
We used to be friends
We don't even really talk anymore. The friendship has vanished and that's what I think hurts the most. I love her till the sun goes down but they say that if you love someone enough you'll let them have what they want to be happy – if it was just to be friends I could deal with that I guess….well okay I wouldn't but I would try to live with it. But to have us not talking and her seeing Alex…that's more than I can handle.
You
and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I
really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't
believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're
letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
Why couldn't I take the plunge? Why couldn't we just take the plunge together?
Why couldn't I be more forward with her…why can't I be more forward? I mean, with Tess…she never responded to my advances but it still seemed so easy to bounce back and try again…but with Susie…any time I try, it just, seems so hard to get out. I never thought I'd associate these words with myself but its true – every time I try to talk to her my throat tightens and my voice freezes and I'm just tongue tied. Is it because she's the one I'm truly supposed to be with? Or is it because of what happened with Tess? That in some way she has burdened me with this fear of commitment, giving my whole self to someone, in fear that it might just be all thrown back in my face…like when she upped and left. I guess that could be pretty close to the truth.
For a long time I couldn't really come to terms with that. I just pushed it out of my head and concentrated on the task at hand. To do my job. To be the best copper I could be. But it still wasn't enough and the thoughts kept creeping back into my mind and it all came to a head when Donna came into the picture. And I was forced to look and face it.
Unlike the other women in my life, when Donna came along she seemed so uncomplicated, so willing to give. So I let myself fall into it, stupidly, until I was in so deep, I really had to claw my way out of it.
After I did, raw and red I found myself thinking about Tess more than ever. About what had happened between us and about the way she'd left. Even though I knew deep down that moving to Melbourne would be the best for Tess' baby and perhaps with her mother there, maybe even best for Tess herself, I still couldn't comprehend it up front. I just couldn't understand why it hadn't worked between us. Why, even after I'd given her everything I had to give, it still wasn't enough. Why after everything she just upped and left. Left her job, left her home…left me.
By this time she'd been gone for almost a year and she was still on my brain more than I cared to admit. What hurt a lot was that except for a Christmas card, addressed to the whole station - saying that her baby girl Grace had been born and that they were both healthy – I hadn't had any correspondence with her since she'd left. Mind you either had the rest of the station…but I thought I was different. I told her I loved her…I even asked her to marry me for God's sake! Why hadn't she responded? Why hadn't she loved me back? At that point I was ready to throw in the towel. She still plagued my life day in and day out and I just wanted out. I just wanted to get rid of her. No that was wrong…I didn't want to get rid of her…despite the outcome those few years I would never want to forget…because despite all that had happened I'd loved her. I really truly believe I did, and I didn't want to lose those memories of her, because she was a great woman. And I'd just wished there was a way that Tess could take a backseat in my mind so I could concentrate on Susie.
And when I realized this…it just kind of happened. She did. Tess became a memory, instead of a nagging painful thought, like a sore bruise that you keep touching to see if it's better. And suddenly it didn't hurt anymore. And I felt ready. We finally kissed. And then it just kind of crumbled to pieces.
I wonder if during all those months Susie felt that I was holding back …I suppose she would've. Maybe that's what drove her away, into Alex's arms. My mind works this circle over and over, a bundle of jumbled thoughts, like a knotted ball of yarn. I unpick one knot, just to be confronted with another and on it goes. My mind might be clear of Tess but it doesn't mean that this whole thing with Suse has become all that clearer. Although, I have realized two things. For one that we've both made mistakes. We've both at one point or another stuffed each other around and in my view, we should just let the past stay in the past. And secondly…that I really love her. I really do.
And even with everything that's happened I can't believe that we aren't supposed to be together. I just can't. The way I feel about her I can't even put into words except to say that I'd do anything for her. I let one person I loved go. I won't make that mistake twice. I know that she's the one for me. I just wish there was some way I could make her know that.
The thing I want to know the most is whether she loves Alex. If she does…I'm in two minds. The first is saying that if I really love her I should let her go…and if Alex truly makes her happy I should let her be with him. But the other says that if I really know deep down that I love her, which I do, that I should try in any way to make her know that. And that's only because I think she kind of loves me too.
Or at least I thought she did.
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