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WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Reliving the Night From her Perspective

She was gone, the love of Ryan's life was gone. He knew that when he thought she was his love, he was only 17, but he still could tell that he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. But now, that was impossible.

"How did she die?" Ryan asked, tears staining his eyes.

But Sandy looked at Ryan bewildered, and suddenly felt horrible for the way he led Ryan on.

"Oh my God Ryan I am so sorry! She isn't dead! That is not what I meant when I said gone!" Sandy said trying to reassure Ryan, that as far as he knew, Marissa was alive and healthy. But then again, he hadn't seen her in a long time.

Ryan was definitely confused right now. A minute ago, Sandy was telling him that Marissa was gone, and now, she wasn't. Was she dead, or was he alive. And why would Sandy say that she was gone, if she clearly was not.

"Sandy, what is going on? A minute ago you were saying…..And now you are….I am so confused right now!"

"Ryan, get a hold of yourself! Marissa is not dead. She just is gone. She ran away about seven months after your accident." Sandy quieted down. "We haven't seen her since."

Ryan was quiet. They didn't know where she had been for the past two plus years. This was better than her being dead, and permanently taken from his life, but not great as it was. He needed her, but she wasn't here.

"Sandy, what happened?"

"Well Ryan….

Marissa sat in Ryan's room, thinking about everything that had happened over the past few days. She had never been happier that Ryan was back in her life. But his return to Newport, left her confused at what to do in her life. There was Ryan, who she had loved pretty much since she set eyes on him, on the street that first night before the fashion show. But when he left, everything changed for her.

Then she met DJ. It started out as just another person for Marissa to vent to, but then it took on a relationship form. She began to get physical with him, mainly making out though. But she intended there relationship to be purely that, but she got emotionally attached. She promised herself when she started hooking up with him, that if Ryan ever came back, she would leave DJ in an instant and go back to the man she loved.

But Ryan stopped calling her. They decided it would be easier if they didn't contact each other. Really, Marissa suggested that, as it would help her with the pain she felt without Ryan by her side. But she became attached to DJ emotionally, and when Ryan came back, even though she never thought it would happen, she had trouble leaving him. He had been there for her for the entire summer, and she didn't feel right by just turning her back on him. But she knew she should have never lead on both of them. It would have been smarter to sit down with Ryan and confess, and then in good conscience she could break it off with DJ properly.

But Marissa didn't do any of this. Instead like usual, she screwed up. She met with DJ in the morning, and then she saw Ryan, and all her old feelings for him resurfaced. But then yet again, she found her lips together with Ryan's just the way she wanted it. But Marissa couldn't help but feel bad for DJ, as he watched what he assumed was his girlfriend, kissing another guy. And Marissa thought that she had it figured out. She was with Ryan, but yet again, she felt sorry for DJ. She couldn't help if she had a heart. She was genuinely a nice person. At least to everybody except her mother and Caleb.

Then there was DJ again, calling her basically a slut, and how she used him. She cried, got emotional, and he comforted her like he did all Summer. She found herself in his arms again, as his lips brushed over hers. Except this time, this kiss would be their last, as her whole world came crashing down upon her.

She saw the pain in Ryan's eyes, as he looked at her in DJ's arms. She separated from him, as there tears became one for the same reason. They knew at that moment that they had lost each other. As Ryan's range Rover backed out of the driveway, Marissa ran after him, leaving DJ in the dust. But Ryan didn't see her, nor did he stop. He had his eyes focused behind him, as he pulled out of the driveway. As he drove down the street, if only he could see Marissa Cooper, chasing after him. Her mascara ran down her face, as her tears stained her blue shirt. She stopped in the middle of the street, knowing full well she had lost him. Marissa turned around, and slowly walked back. She knew she couldn't face DJ, not now. What Marissa needed to do, was go fix things with Ryan.

Luckily for Marissa, DJ was nowhere to be seen when she got back. She didn't know if that was a good thing or not, noticing how Ryan probably would not want to be his girlfriend again. Marissa got back to her house, and ran back upstairs. Once she got to her room, she lay down on her bed, and cried. And cried. The crying never subsided that night, it just went on and on.

Why couldn't her life be easier? Why did everything with Ryan have to be so difficult? Why couldn't she just be with the man she loved? All those were questions she wished somebody could answer for her. But they never were. It seemed that somewhere in Marissa's life, she was condemned to live a life of fear, depression, and lost hope. It was like it was her destiny to be unhappy.

Then the phone rang. Marissa was not in the mood to listen to whoever was on the other line. It was probably Summer, checking up on her like she had been doing. Summer, since she found Marissa drinking a lot, had been checking up on her. She had been doing this all Summer long, and apparently was going to do this into the school year. But she knew also that Summer would be out with Zack now at the movies, so it could not be him.

Maybe it was her father? But no, he wouldn't be calling at this hour anyway. The next thought that crossed her mind, was that it was Ryan. She began to panic. She couldn't face Ryan now, or even talk to him. Too many bad things had just happened, and she was afraid of what she would do once she finished speaking to him. She didn't want to feel bad for herself anymore, but she knew she would, when she heard the extreme sadness and pain that would be apparent in his voice.

She finally got up and headed towards the phone, and skipped a breath when she saw that the caller ID said, Atwood, R.

She was not sure if she could deal with speaking to Ryan right now. The way he judged her as he spoke. She would want to tell him that she loved him, but he wouldn't believe it. She would cry to him, tell him she was so sorry, but he wouldn't care. She finally paused for a second, and then picked up the phone, not bothering to say hello.

"Look Ryan, if you want to yell at me some more, call back another time," She cried into the phone.

But a different voice spoke on the other end, "Um, Miss Cooper, this is Officer Monroe of Newport Police Department."

Marissa gasped.

"Mr. Atwood has sustained numerous injuries in a car accident. He is currently unconscious. Of what relation are you to Mr. Atwood?"

"I'm his…..girlfriend."

"M'am, will you contact his family and tell them to come down to the ER?"

"I will, thank you so much."

At that moment, Marissa felt every emotion one could feel. Extreme guilt, sadness, anger, but most of all, love. She loved Ryan, and she couldn't lose him. But what she didn't realize that after this day, she would lose more than just Ryan, she would lose herself. Marissa would be gone, forever.

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