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WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

The Fall out

Sandy and Marissa sat in his car, just talking about the past 28 days. They spoke of Marissa's therapy sessions, the food, the living quarters, the people, and just about everything that they could think of, while trying to avoid the sadness that would fill them very soon.

They parked at what Sandy referred to as "his parking spot." Marissa got out of her side and Sandy his, and walked inside the hospital. They waved to the familiar people they had seen almost everyday now. One of them the receptionist at the desk.

"Hi Mr. Cohen."

"Hey Dana."

"Marissa! I'm so glad to see you again! What happened?"

Marissa didn't want to get into it, but for a good thing, Sandy jumped into the conversation, to save her.

"Marissa and her family took a vacation, to get away from everything. I think it helped a lot, didn't it sweetie?"

She nodded her head.

There was Sandy like usual, saving the day for her. He was taking the role that Ryan couldn't, to be her knight in shining honor.

The two said goodbye to Dana, telling her they would see her later when they left. Marissa and Sandy stepped into the elevator, pressed two for ICU, and waited. The doors opened, and they stepped out. Marissa walked towards his room, but stopped. Was she really ready to do this?

"What's wrong Marissa?" Sandy asked, worried at the facial expressions Marissa was making right now. Her face was white as a ghost, and the look of pain and horror shown on her face. Her feet were planted on her spot on the floor. She couldn't move at all. She was just so scared of seeing Ryan again. But she needed to do this, not just for herself, but for Ryan, and everybody else. They needed her to get better.

"I'm not sure I can do this Sandy."

"Just breathe Marissa."

She took two deep breaths, and another, and she settled down. She took a step forward, and walked towards his room again. When she turned her head, she saw not only Sandy smiling at her, but Janet, Chloe, Melissa, and all the other nurses on the floor. It made her feel special that she was wanted again, and people were happy to see her. But everything was about to change for her, when she walked into Ryan's room, the sadness returned as she looked down upon his lifeless body.

She wasn't ready to see this again. But she dealt with it anyway. She walked up to his bed, and pulled up the chair, so she could sit down next to him again like she used to. Marissa grabbed his hand, planting a kiss on his hand.

"Hey Ry. I'm back. I really missed seeing your face everyday for the last month. I just want you to know that I am all better. I know you didn't know this, but I had a little battle with bulimia, because I thought that I wasn't looking good enough for you. But I'm fine now. And I want you to know that I love you and will always love you. My doctor told me that I need to confess to everybody about me and DJ. They said that it would relieve my guilt. But I guess the guilt will never really go away. I'm so sorry for letting you down Ryan, because that is all I do, let you down. I let you down when I tried to commit suicide, I let you down with Oliver, and I let you down with DJ. Please come back to me Ryan, I need you so bad."

Sandy watched from the doorway as she poured her heart out to Ryan. He couldn't help but shed his own tears. Sandy wasn't a crier, but who wouldn't cry. It brought him back to the old days of teenage romance, and the days of his love after College with Kirsten. He would react the same way if god forbid anything ever happen to her. He couldn't even understand the surface of the pain that Marissa was going through. All he could be is a father to her. A father that at the moment she doesn't have. She has a father who instead drinks himself to death on a boat, trying to get rid of his sorrows of lost love. So Sandy needed to pick up the role of Dad for her, and give her a better life.

Marissa got up from Ryan's side, as she cried and cried, and cried. When she turned around, there was Sandy, who took her into his arms, as she dug her face into his chest.

"I love him so much. I need him, I miss him! Why did this have to happen to him? Why!" She screamed loudly with so much pain, so much sorrow.

"Marissa, you need to be strong. You need to be strong for him, for yourself. That is what he would want!"

Those words, "what he would want" rang in her ears. It would be what he would want. So Marissa pulled it together for him.

"C'mon. Let's go."

They walked back out, the same way they came in, Marissa hugging Sandy tightly. But this time as they walked out, there were no people saying hi, there were no people telling them how happy they were to see Marissa. Instead all those faces were filled with sadness, with sorrow. Everyone now felt so bad for her. She didn't deserve what was given to her in this life. Nobody deserved the pain she had to live with.

When they got to the car, Sandy started it, and went back to the Cohen's.

"You alright kiddo?"

But Marissa didn't respond.

"Marissa?" he asked, turning his head. And when he did, he could see that she was out. She was sleeping so peacefully. This had been a hard day on her, she really needed this.

When they pulled up to the Cohen's house, Sandy woke up Marissa, and told her that they were home.

"We're at my Mom's" she asked confused and groggy.

"No, my house. C'mon, let's go inside."

They walked into the house and….

"SURPRISE!"

In front of Marissa stood Kirsten, Sandy, Summer, Seth, Her father, and even Julie and Caleb. There was a sign above everyone's head that read, "Welcome Home Marissa." Marissa didn't really feel like a party, not after seeing Ryan the way he was, but she couldn't help but smile. With the exception of the last two, she loved these guys too much.

"thanks, everybody, this means a lot to me."

Everybody smiled and took turns walking over to Marissa and hugging her.

"Hey coop, Welcome home."

"Hey sweetie, it's good to have you back."

"Hey aunt Marissa, good to see you."

"Hey Kiddo, I promise that I will be there for you from now on."

"Marissa, darling, JuJ…your mother and I are very proud of you."

"Hello Marissa, I'm glad my daughter is out of a clinic, you couldn't imagine the embarrassment of having…"

Her mom always knew how to ruin a party.

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"Get the Hell out of my house!"

"What was that!"

"You heard me, Get the hell out of my house!"

Sandy was furious. How dare her treat her own daughter, her own flesh and blood like that! It was a bad enough way to treat any person, but especially your daughter. We all know Sandy had become extremely close to Marissa during this time, but the closeness has never been seen more than now. He is her protector.

"What is your problem? I am raising my daughter my way! You are not her father! No matter how much you think you are that drunk over there, who spends all his time on a fucking boat is! So stop acting like him, because you are pathetic."

Sandy was quiet. Was everything she said true? It was true that he was not her father. Maybe he shouldn't be doing what he was doing; maybe he was trying to replace Ryan. Maybe, he should let her go and stop always trying to protect h………

"NO MOM! Leave him alone." Marissa screamed at her mother.

"You don't use that tone with me young lady! I am the only mother you have so you better deal with me." Julie retorted.

"I wish I didn't have one." Marissa said softly under her breath, but just not low enough that her mother wouldn't hear her, but she did.

"You Bitch!" Julie yelled back, and raised her hand to Marissa in a threatening matter. When she was about to strike her daughter with her hand, somebody reached their hand out, grabbing it before it touched Marissa.

"Julie leave now."

Jimmy Cooper had finally arrived.

Julie left and everything was back to normal. Or as normal as things can be. Everybody got their seats, and sat down to dinner, but nobody seemed to notice the absence of Marissa. She had said she needed to go to the bathroom, but that was over five minutes ago.

Marissa did actually go to the bathroom. But when she was about to return, she stopped. She looked at everybody socializing in the living room. It was like old times for Kirsten, Seth and her father, but Sandy, was the only one who didn't look happy. It was like they had all forgotten about the major absence, or gaping hole in their family. It seemed as if they didn't care.

Marissa saw her escape, and saw the place she needed to visit. She snuck into the kitchen, and out the back door. She walked up the stairs, and to the doors of the pool house. Marissa reached out for the handles, but retracted them. She could feel the tears build in her eyes as she reached for those gold handles once again. It brought her back to the many times she would open those, only to see Ryan's face pop up from reading a book, or sleeping peacefully in bed. This time though when she opened them, the room was empty, nothingness.

Ryan wasn't there. He wasn't there to hug her, to wipe away all the tears, or to tell her that everything would be alright. Marissa instead walked in to the empty pool house. But the only thing empty about it was the person. There were still the pictures on the wall, Marissa's picture on the nightstand, Ryan's jacket on the coat rack, Ryan's Journey CD collection in the CD stacking system, and there were still his clothes in the drawer. But all that didn't matter, because it was empty without that person, Ryan Atwood.

Marissa slowly walked over to the picture of her sitting on his night stand. She picked it up, and stared down at it. The rage in her returned as she slung the picture of herself against the wall, as she collapsed onto his bed, crying into his pillow.

"I miss him so much."

"I need him so much."

"I love him so much."

Back in the Cohen house, the family was about to start their meal, when finally Sandy spoke up.

"Have you guys noticed that Marissa isn't here, and has been in the bathroom for a really long time?"

"Yea, where is she?" Summer finally spoke up, saying her first words since Marissa had gotten home.

But before anybody could answer, there questions were solved.

"BAM"

That was the sound the picture frame made as it crashed against the wall, glass shattering into millions of pieces.

Sandy got up to see how she was doing, but somebody put their hand on his shoulder, telling him to sit back down.

"I'll go."

When she got closer and closer to the pool house, she could hear the sniffling, and the muffled sounds of crying. She walked in and saw Marissa curled up in the fetal position on Ryan's bed. She really felt for her best friend.

"Coop?"

Marissa turned around and when Summer saw the tears in her eyes, she ran over to her and embraced her best friend.

"I promise I will never let you down again." Summer whispered into Marissa's ear.

Marissa cried and cried and cried.

Summer stayed with Marissa for ten minutes more. She did this so she could calm down. When she was finally all calm, Marissa went with the help of Summer back into the house. Everybody looked at Marissa, and saw the tears that stained her eyes. It made them think about themselves, and how they let her down. They would never do that again, or so they thought. They didn't realize how soon they'd turn blind, and let her down once again.

The meal was coming to a close. There was some conversation, but not too much. Everybody didn't really know what to say. Kirsten and Seth tried to start some talking, but nothing ever materialized. Marissa and Sandy were still thinking about Ryan, while everybody else was busy thinking about Marissa. It finally came time for dessert. It was just Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, and Marissa left. Summer had to meet her father for an after dinner meal, and Jimmy had to check back into his boat early because they were closing the docks at an earlier time.

Now was the perfect time to make the confession. Now was the time to make the confession that had guilted her for so long, that had made her feel so bad.

"I have to go stop by the office for a minute. I forgot my briefcase there." Told Sandy to the rest of his family. He kissed everyone goodbye, and went out to the office. Now was the time.

"Kirsten, Seth, I need to tell you something."

Kirsten and Seth walked over to Marissa and sat down next to her.

"What is it sweetie?"

"Well, I have a confession to make. There is something that has haunted me for so long. I have felt so incredibly guilty, knowing I caused everybody so much pain, and I am truly sorry."

But the two didn't know what she was talking about.

"Marissa, what is going on?" Seth asked.

"Before Ryan came back, I had forged a relationship with the yard guy. Nobody knew about it because he would be fired if somebody found out. I did it all because this summer I was really lonely. But when Ryan came back, I wanted him so bad, but I felt like I couldn't just drop DJ. I kissed Ryan, but then….Ryan caught me kissing DJ right before his accident."

Kirsten was stunned, and Seth's anger was boiling.

Marissa was crying again, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. And now I think I've caused all of this."

"YOU SLUT!"

Marissa started crying harder. She expected Kirsten to say something, but she didn't. She finally did though, after a minute of Seth's name calling and barraging of Marissa.

"Get out of my house. I never want to see you again! You took my son! You took my SON!"

"But I…"

"GET OUT!"

Marissa left. She was completely distraught. How could this happen? Nobody loved her anymore. She needed to leave, to get out of Newport for good.

Marissa went home, snuck upstairs, and stole Caleb's money that he kept in the safe. She grabbed her picture of Ryan; she kept on her dresser, and her keys. And Marissa with tears still in her eyes left Newport, never to return.

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