Author's Note (Macx speaking):
Usually I don't go about commenting on reviews, but today is an exception ;)
PJ Zatken: Terazuma has officially entered the Darkness Unleashed story line, so he will be there for other stories, too. Not in every one, of course. As for the length of this story, you can say this is about the longest we have ever written and I suspect we're now halfway through... There will be more chapters to enjoy.
The main pairing of Catharsis is one of three unusual pairings we have. There'swhat everyone else writes, and then there are those never seen before. TerazumaSohryu is one. Another one will briefly appear in the next story, though I'm not sure whether it can be called a pairing (evil snickers). And the third is due in Phoenix, which takes a while longer.
So much from me for today.
Cheerios!
Macx
Like every year, the whole division had been invited and Watson had outdone himself concerning food and drinks. The atmosphere was relaxed, laughter filling the air, sometimes broken by the Count's remarks that went way below the belt. Terazuma looked around the ballroom, drink in hand, unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. Wakaba was chatting with some of the other shinigami and he had been left alone next to the buffet, indicating he wasn't looking for company.
He really wasn't.
Crowds still weren't his forte.
So when he didn't find Tsuzuki on his third and fourth sweep of the room, the former cop frowned. Hisoka was there, reluctantly enduring the Count's humor and talk, but Tsuzuki...
Terazuma prowled around the room, then finally left and passed through the ancient corridors, silent and held in twilight. The voices of the party faded and finally there was silence. His senses exhaled in relief and he did likewise. Control or no control, it was still hard.
Wandering around, letting instinct guide him, he finally found himself in one of the many large rooms that seemed to have no higher function. The Count lived alone, aside from Watson, and the palace was incredibly large. Most of the rooms were taken up by the candles, flickering ominously, but this room was strangely free of them.
A study perhaps?
It was here he discovered Tsuzuki, sitting on the broad window sill, one leg propped up, an arm resting on the bent knee, eyes on the darkness outside. He looked pale and there were signs of distress.
Terazuma hesitated and was about to withdraw when those expressive, inhuman eyes pinned him down. He froze, feeling like caught in the act. Tsuzuki tensed a little, shutters dropping, and he seemed to ready himself for a confrontation.
"Terazuma," he said warily.
"Tsuzuki," he answered, shifting the cigarette from one corner of his mouth to the other.
Both men looked at each other, sizing the other up, but Terazuma felt none of the bristling posturing he usually experienced. He recognized Tsuzuki as an equal, but he wasn't about to preen and ruffle his feathers to show off.
"What do you want?" Tsuzuki finally asked, looking away, sounding tired... upset.
"You got lost?" Terazuma simply asked in return.
"No."
"Something happen?"
He remembered the last incident in these strange walls. The candles did something to people, brought out nightmares... bad feelings... They made his hair stand on end.
"No."
Blatant lie.
"The candles, huh?"
Terazuma didn't know why he tried to make small talk. They had barely been civil before.
Tsuzuki briefly closed his eyes, then shrugged. "I just needed some time away. Don't worry. I'm not going to wreck something." His smile was false... forced.
"Good to know. But I'm not here for that. Just wondering why your partner's not picking up on you."
"Too many other emotions."
Terazuma walked closer, hands stuffed in his pockets. He finally removed the cigarette and studied the other man as if he saw him for the first time. In a way he was.
"You gonna stay here and wallow in whatever happened or you gonna go back before the rest of the cavalry arrives."
Tsuzuki gave a soft chuckle. "Since when are you my cavalry, Terazuma?"
A shrug. "You're a colleague. Can't let you get lost in this pervert's house."
That got him a strange look. And then Tsuzuki smiled. It was a warm, happy smile that completely caught Terazuma off guard. He had never been the recipient of that expression.
"I'm glad you finally found someone, Terazuma," the older shinigami said, catching Terazuma even more off guard. "He's good for you, y'know."
"What!"
Panic spread.
Tsuzuki couldn't possibly know... But it sounded like... a blessing!
"You and Sohryu."
"What!" He knew he was repeating himself. "How... what the fuck is going on? How do you know...!" Terazuma felt anger rise, coupled with embarrassment.
Tsuzuki shot him a confused look. "Terazuma...?"
"How do you know? How can you possibly know!" he demanded, close to grabbing the slender man and banging him against the wall to get answers. "Is it because you're his master and they run to you telling you everything about their personal lives!"
Tsuzuki looked clearly disturbed now. "No... Terazuma, I'm just happy you found someone... nothing else. And I know because Touda knows."
"And he immediately told you!"
"I picked up on it." Tsuzuki shrugged. "When he gets angry, the shields waver."
Angry? Touda had gotten angry and it concerned Sohryu? The words launched a strange sensation of worry.
"Don't worry, Terazuma. Everything's okay. I mean, I think it's great." Some of the old Tsuzuki enthusiasm came back, but there was a hard little light in the center of those violet eyes that wouldn't leave.
Terazuma snorted, angry at himself and whoever else he could think of.
"I think finding a partner who accepts you as you are is wonderful, Hajime," the soft voice of his colleague penetrated the fog of anger. "It's rare and for us it's even rarer than for a human in the world of the living."
Terazuma swallowed as he looked into those firm eyes.
"We're not different from them in that regard. We want someone to be there for us." There was a little wistful smile. "Sometimes it takes more than a human lifetime, sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us. I'm just happy you're happy, that's all."
He stared at the man, confused, befuddled, surprised and amazed. "You... don't care it's Sohryu?"
A frown. "Why should I?"
"He's your shikigami!"
"And?"
"I...ah..." Terazuma deflated a little and sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, tousling it. "Who else knows?" he finally asked.
"Byakko and Touda."
"Hisoka?"
"No. I think it's up to you to make such an announcement." Tsuzuki smiled again and slid off the window sill.
Terazuma fell in step beside the other man as they went back to the party, glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes, thoughts still whirling.
Tsuzuki knew. About him and Sohryu. So what?
So... what?
He swallowed as he felt something rise inside him, something he had suppressed again and again, and it wasn't his shikigami.
An emotion.
I'm not falling for him, he thought again, more desperately this time.
But something was happening. Slowly but surely. And it was getting stronger. The sudden flash of fear when Tsuzuki had told him he knew... the brief embarrassment and sudden resolve to fight the other man if need arose... and the words... the simple words from his lover.
'I love you, too.'
°
Wakaba was happy with her 'new and improved' partner and she was also very happy to provide him with access to GensouKai to 'let the lion feel at home'. That it was actually Terazuma who wanted to be with Sohryu she didn't know about. Terazuma would keep it his secret. Still, he felt like abusing her trust and using her as a shuttle service. There had to be an easier way to see his lover. Other couples lived distances apart, too, and...
Whoa, stop! Couples?
Terazuma froze, breath catching in his throat at the thought.
Couple... no! This was just a casual relationship, right? Just to... make him feel good.
'I love you, too.'
Lately this had come to be a problem. Lately, he was beginning to echo those feelings. Lately... lately things had complicated.
He ran a hand through his tousled hair and shook his head. He wasn't interested in Sohryu that way. Not at all!
He wasn't in love...
No... he wasn't.
His emotions begged to differ.
° ° °
Sohryu watched the man he had come to love, to admire, pace up and down his private quarters. Agitation was coming off Terazuma in waves and the dragon couldn't place the source just yet. His lover had appeared a few hours ago, clearly not coming for a social visit or something else, and when Sohryu had finally been able to get away from his duties, he had found him here.
In his most private chambers where servants were unlikely to interrupt them. Then again, the palace servants knew Terazuma by now and kept their silence as well as their distance whenever the shinigami was around. Sohryu didn't care about the rumors as to what was going on; he couldn't care less. What had surprised him was when the headwoman of the staff had brought him his usual afternoon tea and remarked how well he looked lately, how relaxed, and how the shinigami's presence seemed to do wonders to his mind-set.
Looking at the man he loved, the man he had yet to tell what he really felt, he wondered what was going on.
"Hajime, stop pacing. You're wearing down the rug," he chided gently.
Terazuma stopped, red eyes narrowing, hand clenching and unclenching. Finally he exhaled explosively.
"Sohryu, I... lately, I've felt..." He shook his head, raking his fingers through his hair. "Damn, I feel like an idiot!"
Sohryu walked toward him but the other man held up a hand, asking him to stay away. The dragon did just that, frowning slightly.
"What's wrong, Hajime?"
Red eyes looked at him with a silent desperation.
"I love you," Terazuma finally whispered. "I love you and I don't know when... when it started or why... I never planned on falling for you. I thought... it was nice... I liked it and all, but then I fell in love..."
Sohryu felt warmth blossom inside him and he smiled. "I've fallen in love with you a long time ago," he told the agitated man.
"What!" Terazuma blurted.
"I found you interesting when we met the first time, but later, I fell in love, Hajime."
"No..." Terazuma moaned. "No! Why?"
"Why? Does love have to have a reason?"
"Yes, it does! I'm a shinigami, Sohryu! I work as an angel of death!"
"I know that."
"I was human once. I'm in the service of Enma-Daiou..."
"I'm quite aware of that fact."
"You're... you're a shikigami, a guardian spirit! Tsuzuki's guardian spirit! This isn't just... a weekend relationship! We're separated by dimensions!"
Sohryu tilted his head. Apparently Terazuma had given this a lot of thought and it had him agitated. He knew their relationship was difficult, but he had never thought it to be impossible.
"I... I can't just come home and have you there, back from work like me, and we can snuggle up and watch TV!" Terazuma went on, voice rising. "We can't just meet up for lunch or dinner any given day! I need Wakaba to get here! You don't have phone lines or trains running on a regular schedule, or any schedule at all!"
"Hajime..."
"No! I love you, Sohryu, but this won't work. I should have stopped when it became too good, when it felt better than anything I could possibly have imagined. I should have... stopped... but I didn't... I'm sorry..."
Sohryu blinked, stunned by the words. Had he just been dumped? After Terazuma told him he loved him? After he had told his lover he felt the same?
"I'm not gay," Terazuma whispered. "I'm sorry... but I'm not... it will never work..."
And then he was out of the door.
Sohryu was after him in a flash, but to his surprise he only saw an empty corridor. When he raised his eyes he saw a huge, winged lion flying away. He smiled sadly for a moment.
You learned, Hajime.
He had given the shikigami free flight to flee, and the lion, confused by his master's emotions, did just that.
Sohryu fell back against the wall, insides clenching as the lion grew smaller and smaller. Terazuma had... left... him.
And he loved him.
tbc...
