Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?
Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
But man it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
Oh look now,
There you go with hope again
At the end of fifth year, all Lily Evans could remember was how exasperating James Potter had been. From the Sorting Feast on the first day back, when he started singing Happy Birthday to her instead of the Hogwarts song (and eventually even Dumbledore joined in) to the day before the O.W.L.s where scheduled to start, and he'd made her tap dance in the middle of the Common Room to cheer everyone up, James Potter had completely driven her bonkers.
Now, well, he was ignoring her. No, that wasn't the right word, but...it was different somehow. She got the feeling that he wasn't interested. It was general knowledge, if you'd asked fifth year (when Lily was first made Prefect), that he was completely besotten with her. Quidditch star James and Lily Evans the prissy goose, she and her friends could not stop laughing at the thought.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that her life was so dependent on them, The Marauders, and she was barely aware of it as it happened. She'd gone from a mere "fellow Gryffindor Prefect" to best friend and confidante to atleast one out of the four of them at any given time. She could distinctly remember her resolutions never to get in with that crowd, mostly because of James Potter, and now she thought how silly it all was to think she could control it. Especially given her friendship to Remus, there was none of the initial...initiation to go through for her, and such a tight knit group as they were, if Remus trusted her, they did too. Although at first, their trust was unexpected and unwelcome on her part.
As she got closer and closer to Remus Lupin fifth year, the true nature and the intrigue of the Marauders were revealed to her. She found out their secrets, the first Lupin himself had divulged, and the rest, she had deduced and eventually confirmed. She had originally thought that James and Sirius were completely shallow, from the rumors and gossip, that they had really rich families and bloodlines to be traced back to the medieval times. And such opulence, she was convinced, could only turn out spoilt brats. Eventually, she came to meet their respective families, over the course of the summer, first the Lupins, then the Potters, and then to her absolute discomfort, the Black family.
The Lupins were nice, to sum it up. His mother looked pale and sickly, much like Remus, and his father could've been a much livelier person, except for the expression of perpetual brooding on his pale face. His hair was light and airy, like Remus's, and his figure somewhat bulkier. Remus looked more like his mother though, his chin without cleft, and face clear, eyes a deep, delectable hazel. She, Lily thought immediately, had to be one of the most beautiful people she had ever met in her lifetime, albeit slightly depressed.
Lily felt sorry for Remus, after only the one day she spent with him in his four-story cottage. His parents made their best effort to be cordial, passing the peas dutifully and sending their son reassuring glances all throughout the meal. She had a slight suspicion that they thought that she and he were somehow romantically involved, although she was sure they never showed any signs of being so. They treated him like a fragile crystal vase, and Lily noticed, his father Matthew was always cutting his mother short when she spoke to her, as if he were afraid she'd embarass him, or maybe Remus. Remus himself had looked down at his plate the entire time, and Sirius and James seemed totally unaffected. She imagined that that came with practice, or maybe they really were different when strangers were around, although it did not seem believable.
Lily remembered the days when he'd visit his great aunt's (not grandmother as she once thought, but Matthew's father's sister), and would come by her house. He even brought her and Petunia a pack of chocolate frogs once, and Lucille some cat treats from Magical Menagerie. She didn't even know he had parents, and now she knew why he "visited" so often.
She visited the Potters' a month later, when James had scrawled a hasty owl to her around six to tell her to come over, the Marauders are planning a great adventure or something. Lily did not like James very much, and she knew him the least out of all them, but she was curious, and slightly pleased that they had included her...a girl, and non-Marauder, so she did not hesitate much before flooing over to the Potters'.
The expedition turned out to be a bust, as the 'Ancient Martian Footprints' Sirius had unearthed actually turned out to be chicken feet from the Weasleys' coop next door. Godric's Hollow, Lily thought, beat the Martians by a gazillion, with no thought to Sirius's exuberant protests. She told him he was a stupid Martian, and he had actually gotten angry. The houses in Godric's Hollow, though, were so odd, and so fancy at the same time, like a mosaic of individualistic expression far from the even green lawns of Little Whinging, where she lived. She envied them for that still, though she'd come far from thinking of them as little spoilt hooligans.
For some reason, James's parents amused her rather than intimidate her as the other two had done. Part of the reason was their house, which in stark contrast to the oddness around them, was perfectly normal and homey. It seemed almost the kind of house that she would have loved to live in, with just enough rooms and a cobblestone path through the secluded wood, though she doubted that she'd ever end up with a house like that...in that neighborhood no less. But nonetheless, she quite admired the Potters, who like James always stood out from those around them.
When she met James's mother, she wasn't sure if she was supposed to squeal and run into her arms or resist the temptation and just smile, like everyone else was doing. She was so small, and girlish looking that she could've passed for a fifth year herself. Lily quickly grew fond of her, and they talked about as varied subjects as their favorite Wireless Stations and Descriptive Wandless Charm Theory. James seemed highly displeased that Lily was getting along so well with his mother when his father had visibly put down her attempt at being friendly.
"Hello, Mr.Potter, what's your favorite soup?" she'd said. He'd 'hmmphed' at her, replied a curt "Tomato," and turned away.
"Oh Brian, stop being so uptight," Mrs. Potter chastised good-naturedly, "How about you, James?"
She really liked James' mother.
The Black House was the stuff of her worst nightmares, and judging by the looks of things, the nightmares of Sirius as well. She didn't meet his parents at all. They actually only went there for a brief span of time to get Sirius' broom so they could play a game of Quidditch in the backyard of Peter's grandmother's house. She caught a glimpse of what she assumed to be his mother, though, glaring at her through the open Library door as they walked by to go downstairs. She heard from Remus later that night that Sirius was in serious trouble, and she couldn't fight off the feeling that she had something to do with it. She hadn't discussed her suspicions with any of them, and then the...thing with Remus, whatever it was, had happened...
Now, it seemed to be that all of them hated her for a number of reasons. Sirius, for whatever happened, and the other three (Remus and James for the most part) obviously working through some discrepancies, probably decided that it would be in their best interest if they dropped her completely. Things were so strained ever since they had gotten back, and sixth year, like fifth year wasn't looking very promising. This time, she didn't even have her friends to give her any solace as they seemed vastly shallower now in comparison to James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. That was what she had found attractive in them in the first place. They never talked about their parents, or the Dark Arts, or Politics, only boys, and the next essay due, which involved the boy who they would ask to study with them.
She was friendless, and beside classes (which had become unchallenging), she was bored with life in general.
May stirred the gray smoky liquid in her cauldron.
"Lily, have you squeezed the flobber out yet?" she said impatiently. Lily gave May a testy glare.
"No, Madam," she retorted.
She sighed, "I'm not really in the mood, alright?" she said.
"So I hear Gideon Prewett's asked you to the Festival," provoked Lily. Gideon had asked her, but wasn't talking to her over something she'd done to Lupin, the reason that they were fighting in the first place.
"Yeah," she snarled, snatching the flobber out of Lily's hand, "And you're angry, and jealous, that James, your beloved, seems to care nothing for you at all and your grades are slipping because you can't help but spend most of your time pining away for him."
The bowl in May's hand blew up miraculously, and the Potions Master Bertrand Woarywatt deducted twenty points from Gryffindor.
Sirius jumped at an explosion in front of them, and seeing May and Lily arguing again, sullenly returned to his own Delvie's Draught. The girls' petty problems were a source of intense entertainment to him in past years. He would anger a few of them and pit them against one another, put in a few rumors of boyfriends cheating on them with this girl or whatnot, and they'd go at it like hyenas. He found it predictable these days, and he seemed to be finding everything sort of predictable. The Lily-Remus-James love triangle, for example: he still didn't know who Lily liked, but she'd probably end up with Remus because of James' silly hero complex.
It infuriated him, really, that he always ended up trying to suppress a murderous inclination whenever that came up. He felt like James' charity case. Oh, and it wasn't even his relatives in Slytherin house, either. He even heard Remus and his best friend Cerulina have a candid discussion about what a depressed psychopath he was and--now that he thought about it, it was highly hypocritical of Remus to be saying the things he did. He looked at the mumbling Lily Evans with a renewed hatred. Petty bitch.
"I'd say its done, wouldn't you Remus?" said Sirius, smiling.
"Yeah, Padfoot, I'll turn it in," he smiled back.
Perfect couple.
"Ohhh...dont kill me!!!!Wahh gak-gak," said the black Queen, blood spurting out of her mouth at her last words.
"Ohhh! Dear Prince Montague, my queen has been slain by your heartless Lord, how will I ever make mad love to you again?"
"Worry not, we will find a way! Hah!--take that," said the bishop in his princely voice, slashing down a helpless black pawn.
"Milord!" squeaked a white horse girlishly, galloping across the board to embrace the black bishop.
"You are...my early morning sunlight!" said Prince Bishop, coming at her.
"And you, my dear Prince," said Lady Knight, "Silvery creature of the night, most elusive to my beseeching heart!"
As the Knight completed her dialogue, she noticed that she'd passed right past the Prince and turned around, searching for him on the white side of the board.
"Oh Prince!" she cried, barely missing an army of two pawns trying to run her over.
Peter gave a happy chuckle, as if it were the most entertaining thing in the world, and Sirius was looking quite bored. A group of second years were watching attentively as Lily and James made a great show of their chess game turned puppet show.
Suddenly, James turned Lady Knight around, "Oh Prince Bishop!" he squealed, "Please don't leave me!"
"Bridgette! My raven-haired, ivory-skinned...snubble-wubble!"
James, or rather Lady Knight wailed, saying to Prince Bishop, "I can't possibly live without you!"
Without warning, there was a bang, and all four of the castles seemed to have committed group suicide and jumped off the side of the table. The smoke cleared, and Lily put away her wand as Prince Bishop told the white queen, "Oh, dear, it seems I have lost my memory!"
Just as Lady Knight was running over, crying "You hussy, look what you've done to my poor amnesiac prince!" someone else interrupted.
"Damn it, do you lot ever get tired of your pathetic lives?" shouted Sirius, standing up from his armchair. The second years turned more enthusiastically to Sirius, hoping for a momentous Marauderian row, sure to be more entertaining than some chess game. James gave an inaudible sigh at another of his best friends random mood-swings.
"Aww, Padfoot! James was just about to get...her...man..." Peter trailed off at the murderous look on Sirius' face.
"Really, Sirius," said Lily, "calm down."
James gave Sirius a disapproving look.
"Come on, Evans. Lets work on our Potions in the library." Lily glared at Sirius, not budging. "The Prefects have a study session, remember?" he iterated, grabbing her shoulder and trying to steer her out the Portrait Hole, "Remus will be there." Sirius turned away from Lily and speed-walked up to the Boys Dormitories.
"Alright," whispered Lily to the ground. The rest of the Gryffindors watching turned their disappointed eyes back to whatever they were doing before.
Peter started chattering with Fabian, a fourth-year, and part of the Marauders' ever-growing entourage and the common room resumed its normal activities. Lily, though, lagged behind James, catching snatches of two second-year girls' conversation.
"I mean, who does she think she is anyway, right?"
"...breaking them up..."
"...that...hag..thinks..."
"best thing since..." They shut up when they saw her strain to hear them. Lily fought to regain her composure, and sped up, looking straight at James who was far ahead of her.
Knowing James they probably weren't going to go to the library. The Potions essay was assigned only that morning, only two and a half feet, a comparison of Phosphorescence and Phosporescent Potion and their background science. Lily finished it as she ate lunch and the boys, the Marauders, Gideon, and David had "paraphrased" it earlier that evening.
"How does the Prefects' Quarters sound? I mean, they're not in anyway," said James,talking out the Marauder's Map from his cloak pocket.
"What? Oh--yeah," agreed Lily half-heartedly, "probably off copying my essay from Remus." James didn't smile at her poor jest, leaving an awkward silence as they turned right walked up the winding stairs that lead to the Prefects tower.
"El Cid Campeador," read James, squinting at the map in his hands. A trapdoor swung open above them, like the one in the Divination and Astronomy towers, right on top of Lily who spluttered from the midst of a cloud of dust. She was still waving her arms in front of her when the dust had settled and the rope ladder had fully unraveled before them. James didn't seem to notice, only held the trapdoor open as Lily climbed up the ladder in a hurry.
"Umm... so what's wrong, exactly?" she said, feeling uncharacteristically shy. She wondered, looking around for a comfortable spot to sit, if she did in fact ruin the Marauders' friendship, and that was why they were being so secretive.
Maybe they were going for something a bit more graceful and more orchestrated than 'Bugger Off, we hate your guts." Atleast "Bugger off" would've been a little more final than all this beating around she and James seemed to be doing lately.
"Well..." he begain. Come to think of it, she wasn't even sure she knew any plausible reason for them to be "dancing the avoidance waltz," as she'd heard someone put it. 'You're just being very silly,' she told herself.
"What has been going on, I'd really like to know." She cleared her throat. "There's this enormous rift betwen the three of you its like, I can hardly get through! I mean, to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about any one of you alone, you're like...a-a package, or something." James recovered from his momentary shock to give way to a slight indignance. So she cared nothing for James, only the "Marauders"? She went on, not noticing, "I heard from Remus that it was about some girl or something."
He opened his mouth to reply, but apparently it was a rhetorical question.
"I can only think it was May, because it couldn't possibly be old me, you had no problem with me before?" He shook his head. "Well then, I don't know how Remus could even think of telling that daft cow...anything as if she already didn't bloody know! Damn it, half Gryffindor knows, or suspects rather, I mean, it can't really be that hard for one's own roommates to figure out, you're not all that secretive, attention-craving bastards--"
"So why is May being all mysterious about it?" put in James edgewise as Lily paced the room.
"'Coz she's a daft cow obviously," Lily dismissed rather shrilly, "Do you know Remus' muggle father owled me last night saying he should come home Christmas Break because Sirius and he were having theirselves a fight and he'd blocked the family owl?"
She stopped. Obviously that last question required an answer.
"What?" replied an amused James, "I wasn't listening properly I think, last thing I heard was 'attention-craving-bastards', you weren't by any chance referring to me, were you?" He had been listening, admiring the way she got carried away on the vaguest tangents, and now at the expression on her face, her hands fisted on her hips like the bottoms of infants.
"What the bloody hell are you staring at Potter?" she laughed.
Smiling at her he answered, "Nothing, Prince Bishop."
Abruptly, Lily stopped smiling and looked away, and the twinkle faded from James's eyes. They were playing a dangerous game.
"So what's your summers with the muggles like?" asked James about an hour later.
They had been talking for a while about Remus' eccentric muggle grandmother and her equally scary children. Lily had met mostly all of Remus' muggle relatives at backyard parties that she brought food to so that she wouldn't be totally bored over the summer breaks all alone. Lily began to tell him about her parents who were never home, travelling to distant dreamlike places, forgetting they had a daughter and a home-life. Forgetting that they got their money from the antique store which she, their daughter, managed mostly.
James ran his thumb over a button of his cloak that he was lying on top of. Lily was sitting with her knees at her chest, her back to the sofa. There were seats all around, but they had somehow ended up in the middle of the circle, or rather misshapen oval of furniture.
"And Petunia," Lily was saying, "she's with her best friend Marge all the time. It's quite convenient, really, how her boyfriend happens to be Marge's brother because if mum ever calls to see if Pet's actually where she says she is, even if she's having sex in his bedroom, she'd be there, right?" He nodded, not bothering to look at her. "Well, she's rarely ever home to call or make sure anything. I hired an old squib, Arabella Figg to take care of the store, Mum and Dad are getting too old anyway, and Petunia wouldn't do it, so she owls me and everything so I can tell how everything is at any time, y'know?"
"Poor muggles, I can't think how they ever get on without magic," said James randomly.
Lily smiled. "Yeah, well, they don't know that it can be easier. Its the poor squibs like Filch and Mrs. Figg that I worry about. And she's been like handicapped, her husband's just died, and the guy used to do all the cooking and cleaning by magic."
James yawned.
"You bored?" asked Lily. He gave her a blank look, as if to say "no, duh".
"What do you want me to do?" she said defensively.
"Let's go see what Sirius is doing," he suggested.
"I thought you guys were not talking or something." James waved this off.
"Yeah, he has been a little grouchy lately, nothing to worry about, besides, I'm sure he's up to something much more interesting that "oh-poor-miss-figg-her-dog-died". I'm willing to swallow my pride."
"It wasn't a dog, you brat, it was her husband! Imagine if your husband died!" she said to his back as they left the Tower.
They argued all the way back to the Portrait Hole where they met Remus just going into the Common Room.
"Remus!" said Lily, "tell James here that Mr. Figg really is a wizard!"
James and Remus shared a look.
"Prongs, Mr.Figg really is a--" The three of them stopped in their tracks. The common room was empty except for Sirius, and...well..., the reason no one else was in the common room.
"You like him?" said Sirius, a huge grin plastered on his face. "His name is Blurble!" Remus gave a choked cough.
Blurble cooed, leaving a slimy trail as it walked to James, who was staring at the beachball sized blob of moving yellowish jelly in disgusted horror.
"He's my new pet. I made him out of leftover baked flobber from Potions class." He looked at them in turn.
"Whaat? I was bored!"
