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A Life So Out of Place

Jillian was lying next to the guy that she loved more than anyone else on Earth, his arms wrapped around her, his head resting comfortably on her neck, and somehow, she felt more uncomfortable than ever. She felt out of place, confused, and worse of all, she felt scared. The future had never been so uncertain for her; plans were crushed and she never bothered to make new ones.

He smiled in his sleep. She was happy that at least someone was getting sleep.

They had gotten home a few hours before and she still was unable to sleep. The party was great and everyone had fun.

Jillian was the exception, not that she didn't play the part of a girl having a great time at her friend's wedding party. Nobody knew, not even Jake, that she was miserable on the inside.

She saw how carefree they all were when she was screaming on the inside that all she wanted to do was get away. Jenny had taken to her like she had Peyton; Jillian felt more like a mother than ever.

She felt guilty for wanting to run away from it all. She loved them both, but life seemed to be ending. School had been all that her life was about. What was she to do now that long term goals would never be met?

She left without waking Jake. That was an accomplishment but he was tired with working, time for Jillian and Jenny, school, and anything else that came up; sleep was a last option. Jillian checked on Jenny in her crib, then walked across the hall, took a notebook and made her way downstairs.

She took some meds before heading out into the chilly night to do a little thought writing in the notebook that she had started to fill with letters to Jake. Now, she wrote about things that were happening and how she felt about it.

She woke up with the rising of the sun and the spots she usually saw before a migraine started. Downing two more pills from the night before, she judged the time to figure out how much sleep she got. Three hours. More sleep in one night than she has gotten in at least a month. She didn't feel tired either.

Stretching she saw Denny running up the walk.

"It's early."

"Yeah, I can tell. You are still in your PJs." He saw the blanket on the porch swing. "Usually the Mrs. makes him sleep on the couch. Jake kicked you out all the way to the porch?"

"What are you doing running, Mr. Two Packs a Day?"

"Quit. I heard it's bad for you."

"Is someone chasing you?"

"I took up running after I quit. I just dropped Brooke off at home and I wanted to go for a run." He smiled, cocky.

"I love Brooke, but if you're expecting to get a medal for sleeping with her, you'll have to stand in line, pal." He laughed.

"Get dressed. You're coming along."

"I don't run."

"Let's walk and talk. Come on, I'll wait." Denny ran up the porch steps and sat down on the swing. "Get your ass moving."

Jillian walked into the house and hurried into her clothes, not caring about the way she looked. She looked in on Jake and Jenny; both still sleeping peacefully. She didn't want to wake Jake to tell him where she was; he would not be happy with her leaving in the middle of the night, nor her hanging with Denny. She did what she usually did when she wanted Jake to get a note; she wrote on the bathroom mirror. Then she left, walking down the familiar path with Denny.

Walking down the boardwalk down on the beach, Denny and Jillian walked side by side, Denny glancing over at Jill, wondering why she was so quiet. He could always understand what she was going through because they were always on the same page; their lives mirroring each other. Somewhere down the road, their paths diverged and what was important to each changed. Denny didn't know anything about her anymore.

"What are you thinking about?" Denny tried the direct approach.

"You don't want to know." She laughed lightly, laughing at the absurdity. "It's so self-loathing, I don't even like myself right now."

"I knew you were here, Jill."

Jillian looked over at him. She was caught off guard by his statement and she was hoping she could read in his eyes, what he was trying to tell her. It didn't seem like anything good; he avoided her eyes and looked down at his hands. They reached the end and sat down on one of the piers. Jillian knew she needed to say something to get him to tell her the rest.

"How did you know I was back in Tree Hill?"

"Your mother told me." Her breath was caught in her chest.

"Please tell me you didn't say what I thought I just heard." Jillian was standing, her hands moving rapidly because she was getting upset and nervous at the thought of her mother meddling in her life again.

"Hear me out." He stood along with her.

"I'm listening."

"We had so many plans, Jilly. Don't you remember? We were going to go study abroad together. We were going to travel during the summers to exotic places, come back to school and study our asses off. You have always wanted to be a Pediatrician."

"I haven't forgotten, Denver, things have changed though, and-"

"I want you to come to school with me."

"What?"

"I have a little influence at school-"

"You mean your grandfather has a little influence."

"I got you in at Clemson. I even sent off two applications to go to Cambridge. Jillian it could happen."

"It can't work. I'm still in high school."

"We both know that you have more than enough credits to go to college. You've taken every college class in high school known to man. You were one of the top five students of your class, you got in at Clemson."

Jillian's head was spinning. How could something like this happen? "I don't have the money to go. My mom cut me off."

"She would forgive you, you know. Then you could go to school. you owe it to yourself." He stood in front of her so that she could no longer pace around. "Why is it that the only excuse you haven't made is your daughter and her father?"

Jillian instantly felt guilty again about the thoughts of leaving them. But Denny was right; they were the only reason that she wouldn't go and even that was hanging on a thread.

"It's only an hour drive out to Clemson; you could be home every weekend. You would never miss a thing."

"I can't be a mom just on the weekends, Denver. Being a mother to that little girl is a twenty four- seven job that I love. I would miss her first time walking, her talking, tucking her in at night. I would never want to miss anything she did. She is my baby."

He moved away from her and leaned one hand against a pole, peering into the water deep in thought. She didn't know what he was coming up with, but he left her with so many unanswered questions, she was left in a tailspin.

"You never answered me truthfully before."

"About what?"

"When I asked you why you were in Tree Hill all you said was that you had a break from school. You answered why you weren't in school, but that didn't answer why you were here." He sat down. "Stand up and say to my face why you are here."

"Jilly."

"I know why but I want you to say it. I want to hear you say this is set up."

Denny stood. "I came here because of you."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted you to come back to school with me. I missed you."

"No, you are a liar. Tell me the truth." He stood still, trying to find an excuse, a way of getting out of this. "Tell me the fucking truth or I swear to God-"

"When I asked your mother about you, she made a proposition for me, alright?"

"You came out here because my mother offered you something? She wants to take me away from my daughter so she offered you something?" Denny didn't nod, but she knew that it was the truth. "What did she offer you Den? Did she offer you money, was the tip of the scale me? Was I the prize?"

"She offered me the chance to get away from the family. A way of getting away from them-"

"But still in their good graces."

"People listen to your mother in the community too, you know, because of your Dad."

"She was going to influence the board so you could leave the business to go to England but so that you wouldn't piss off mommy and daddy and not get any money." She laughed. "You truly are a bastard and I never noticed."

"I always wanted us to be together. I thought by college you would forget Jake and we could be together."

"Why would I want to be with you?"

"We are so much alike. We always said we had the same lives. You and Jake are in two different places. You are too smart for him."

"We are not much alike. I don't use people. And I would never want to be with you just because my family's rich like yours. That's all you think about, isn't it? We used to sit around and talk about things; books we've read, philosophies we both held. But lives change. Obviously, you turned into an asshole somewhere down the line."

"Maybe when Jake knocked you up and suddenly you had no time for anyone but him."

"And there's the truth. My place is here in Tree Hill. I can't believe I even considered leaving Jenny and Jake. I love them more than anything in the world and I would rather be with them and be unsure of what will happen in the future than to be with you in college."

"What about everything we said we were going to do? What about all those dreams?"

"We have changed. My dreams are different now. I don't get to live my life for just me anymore; I have two people depending on me and what I want in life is centered around them." Jillian starts to walk away, but she turns around. "I can't believe you turned on me."

"What are you talking about now?" Denver's voice had changed. Jillian always remembered him not being like the rest of the people around her at school, at the social gatherings her parents made her go to. He sounded so much like them now; arrogant, self-centered, self-indulgent. She didn't recognize him anymore.

"We always said that it was us against the parents. You've turned into them. I want you to give Patricia a message. Tell her that I consider myself lucky for her to be out of my life and I would never do anything that would make her come back into my life."

"You think you are so righteous, Jill. It's just part of our heritage."

"Denver, go to hell. Becoming a selfish asshole is not part of any heritage." She walked away, anger still lingering over her, though she had to tell herself not to cry.

She was going from walking to running for home once she was out of sight of Denny. It was then that she prayed- the last time being on the steps to Jake's house, hoping he could forgive her- that she would never again see Denny. She still didn't believe in any god, but it made her feel like she could guard herself from getting hurt like that again. She was doing something and not just waiting.

Just when you think you know someone, Jilly thought.

The fear was still there, though. The fear she had of the uncertainty. She still had no idea what would become of their lives. Jillian wished that she could be as strong as Nathan and Haley and to be honest enough with Jake to tell him the truth.

Every time someone even mentioned marriage her heart sank. Every time that Jake mentioned them getting married it made her wish more than anything that she could say yes. But she didn't want him to regret it later and end up not loving her later.

She slowed down to a walk as she was thinking of the song he wrote for her.

She knows I love her
but does she see I'm scared?

He wrote that for her when she told him about the pregnancy and for some reason, those lines stood out for her at the moment.

She made it to the steps, taking her dirty shoes off at the door and walking in, she noticed that the entire house was still asleep. She tip-toed up the stairs so not to wake anyone and walked into Jake's room instead of hers.

She curled up around him, her arms hugging his shoulders. He turned his head to her and kissed her lightly on the forehead. She knew that this was her place; in Jake's arms, their daughter two feet past the bed. He smiled at her and all she could think of was those lines from the song he wrote. She could deny it but the fear was still there. She wanted to forget it all but she couldn't.

She couldn't forget that when Denny said he wanted her to leave, she almost jumped into his arms and thanked him for a way out.

"You were right, Jake." She said it lightly, believing that he did not hear any of it because he said nothing.