Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!
Excuse Me for My Haste
She realized she was back in her own room in her own bed when she awoke from a nightmare, a scream waiting in her throat. She breathed in deep to calm herself, to tell herself that she was no longer in the dream world.
She didn't remember walking back to her room. Either she was dead tired, or Jake carried her across the hall. Walking from her room, Jillian looked into Jake's open doorway to see if Jenny was sleeping. She was already up somewhere in the house; Jill could hear her giggles and coos.
Moving next, Jill went to the bathroom expecting to find her note untouched on the bathroom mirror. Instead of her note, she found a picture scribbled from Jake; a heart. She erased it after she splashed water on her face. The gesture made her smile but it would be hard to explain to his parents if one of them saw the heart in the bathroom the two shared.
She smoothed out her hair that was tangled from her sleep. While doing so, she thought of the dream she awoke from. Someone was hitting her while on her knees in prayer in a church. The dream skipped to Jillian sitting with Jenny in her arms in back of a pew with Jake. Jake disappeared. Then Jenny. Jillian searched through the whole church, unable to find Jenny. Then she saw Peyton holding onto her right before she too disappeared.
Jillian never shared her dreams with anyone, including Jake and Peyton. She was trying to understand them herself, and she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It was because of her lack of sharing she thought the insomnia stemmed. Maybe it was the stress of everything her life now entailed. Maybe it was the pressure to be there for everyone.
Maybe it was because of her wanting to get away from it all. She wasn't sure which it was.
She took some pills that she found in the medicine cabinet and made her way down the stairs to the family below. She had her plan straight; Jake was never to know what happened with Denny. But she needed to tell someone.
Skipping the formalities, Jillian walked into Peyton's house without a knock. She called her name as she was climbing the stairs as a warning if Lucas happened to be with Peyton in her room. Jillian brought Jenny along with her since Jake was heading off to work. Peyton heard Jillian's calls and came from her room, able to hear the distress in Jillian's voice.
"What's wrong, Jilly?" Peyton was concerned; even Jenny looked edgy.
"I needed someone to talk to." Jillian managed as she started to break down. She dropped the diaper bag at the top of the stairs as Peyton wrapped her arms around Jillian's shoulders, trying to comfort her despite the fussing baby attached to her chest.
"You can tell me anything."
"Is this a bad time?" She looked over Peyton's shoulder into her room, hoping that she didn't barge in while Peyton was alone with Lucas.
"He left. We will trade problems."
"Problems? I did come at a bad time. I shouldn't bother you with my troubles when you have your own..."
"No, this is what friends are for. We'll listen to each other." Peyton walked Jillian into her bedroom were the two collapsed into discussion.
"Well, Mrs. Scott, how nice to see you. Not much of a honeymoon I suppose." Jake was strapping on an apron while Haley was manning the coffee maker.
"No honeymoon since we both like the idea of having a place to live." She placed a new filter in the machine. "I need to pick up more hours or we won't have any electricity."
"The joys of new marriage." They both laughed. "But seriously, is it weird?"
"It is weird, being together all the time. But it feels good." Haley noticed he took keen interest into this. "Why, you're not thinking of marriage are you Mr. Jagelski?"
He turned pale. "Of course not. I was just curious. You two are obviously in love, but otherwise you seem so different."
"At first I was freaking out. I think my cold feet came after the wedding. I couldn't think of how it would work but it came to me."
"What did?"
"Just like you said, we love each other, and because of that, things will work out." She went around the counter, leaning in to tell Jake her secret. "Have faith."
She winked at him and he understood. She wasn't saying that she needed faith; it was obvious she already had it. She was letting Jake know that all he needed was faith. Jake was always the believer in faith and reason, believing also that things happen for a reason, that fate is real.
It was Jillian that had no faith.
Just as Haley was making her rounds to the occupied tables for refills, Lucas was passing by the Cafe, walking briskly toward a destination that seemed he needed to be in haste. Haley waved but Lucas didn't bother looking into the window, almost like he was only acutely aware that he was passing by his friends working place and his mother's own establishment. Haley cast a glance at Jake; he could tell that she was worried with no real reason why. She walked with equal force for the door, calling Lucas's name. Jake ran for the door as well, put keeping himself in the doorway as to not let the costumers in the store without any employees.
Jake could hear Lucas replying to Haley's question: "What's wrong, Luke?"
He was pausing only momentarily to talk to his best friend. "If you want to know, go ask Peyton." As he finished his sentence, Lucas looked briefly at Jake on the top step of the Cafe before starting off again at the same pace he was traveling before.
Haley went back toward the Cafe's door as Jake was stripping off the apron and handing it to her. He took off down the sidewalk after his friend.
"Will you tell Karen what I'm doing?" Haley understood, knowing that Karen would not mind if Jake ran off to help out her son.
"Hey man, wait up." Jake was jogging lightly to catch up to Lucas. He didn't even turn to acknowledge that Jake was there with him; they walked in silence for a few minutes.
"I don't want to talk right now."
"That's fine, Luke. But I'm here so you might as well just tell me to get it off your chest."
"You are part of the problem." He stopped, catching Jake off guard. "I was finally honest with myself and honest with Peyton and..."
Lucas threw up his hands and continued walking. Jake didn't bother to chase him down; it was obvious Lucas needed time to think.
Being at the wedding party brought out a new side of Lucas. He was so hell bent on looking like he was having a good time, that he actually did have a good time. He watched Peyton throughout the night; she always looked happiest when she created something that made others happy. It was the same way with her drawings; if it touched someone else, it made her happy.
He realized that he didn't think about Jillian at all that night. It was all about Peyton and he truly did love her. He finally saw a way that he could be happy.
As he was laying next to her, Lucas couldn't help it; he had to tell her, even if she wasn't awake. He was always the type of person to wear his heart on his sleeve. He felt uneven, not like himself to hide his true feelings from Peyton; he never hid them from her before.
He snuggled up next to her as she slept. Luce laid still for a moment to see if she was awake before he spoke lightly, almost unable to hear himself.
"I wish I could tell you. I love you." Even in the dim light of drawn shades on the window, Lucas could see Peyton's eyes grow wide. She was awake, she was conscious.
She had heard his almost silent confession. And it scared the hell out of her.
"What happened then?" Jillian listened intently, hoping to be able to help her friend in any way that she could.
"I told him that I wasn't ready for that. It was too soon to feel like that and if he expected me to say it, then he would be disappointed because I don't feel the same way." She lied to both Lucas and Jillian with that statement. She really did love him.
"What did he say?"
"That he would just wait for my answer then." Peyton left out big gaps in their fight, not wanting to hurt Jillian.
"I know you love me, Peyton. I know you're scared, too." Peyton wasn't about to admit that Lucas was right while they were arguing.
"Yeah well, love has burned me more than once and I'm not ready for that again."
"You're not willing to take a chance?"
"I took that chance with Jake." She had started to sob lightly as she walked to the doorway. "And look how that turned out." She ran into the bathroom and waited for Lucas to leave.
But she wasn't going to tell Jillian any of that.
"You need to tell him the truth."
"The truth about what?" Jillian gave her what Peyton termed, the mother stare.
"Tell him that you lied and that you really do love him."
"I'm not ready for love."
"You are. And when you realize it, you'll be kicking your own ass that you made a big fuss over something you already felt."
Peyton mulled over Jill's words in silence. Jillian felt good that she didn't have to worry about her problems and that hopefully she was helping someone else. That always did lift her spirits if it was a bad day.
"Can we just keep all of this between us?" Peyton looked worried that Jill might tell someone. "Just us?" Jillian nodded, understanding. "Now it's your turn; spill."
Jillian told the whole story of what happened between her and Denny except for the part about her feelings; she did not want Peyton knowing that she desperately needed to get away from the pressure cooker she was in. Even though Jillian was getting everything off her chest; none of it made her feel any better. Telling actually made her feel worse; sending her story out there for people to judge her. That and the same fear that had been plaguing her for days.
"That asshole. I'm so sorry, Jillian. I knew there was something strange about him. But he seemed so charming..."
"I know. He's always been that way; always charming others into thinking he was a different person than he really way. It just never was there to blind me."
"Oh, God, Brooke. We should tell her."
"I don't think he will try to talk to her anymore. Denny's always treated girls pretty badly."
"What did Jake say when you told him about Denver?" Peyton waited for a response but all Jill did was bounce Jenny on her knee. "You didn't tell him?"
"I didn't know how. I was kind of ashamed of how I defended Den. Turns out, Jake was right all along about him. He was bad news." She looked down at Jenny. "More than anything, I'm scared of what's going to happen. It's not like I'm going to college or anything."
"Why not? You are a genius, you could do anything."
"I can't afford it and I don't have the time. Jenny's a handful. I can't manage as it is and its only high school." Peyton did wonder how Jillian handled all that was on her plate.
"Never let go of your art. Sometimes in my head, I blame Jenny or Jake on losing sight of my dreams. I feel horrible for it."
"You'll come up with something new. And you are going to college; you can get grants and loans, scholarships."
"Who would send a teenage mom to college? I've never really wanted to be anything other than a doctor."
"Never?"
"Once, I wanted to be a photographer like my dad. More than that though, I didn't want to be taking family photos for the royal family. I wanted to be taking pictures of Mayan temples, foreign cities in Tibet, or Japan. I wanted to write articles and do pictures." She laughed at herself. "But that was a long time ago when I still believed that life was good and my dad actually gave a shit about me."
"It could happen for you." Peyton's wheels were turning in her head. She had a good idea to hopefully pull up Jill's spirits.
"Just promise me that you won't let anything stop you from your dreams. That you'll do anything to reach those goals? You got talent, Peyton. You really do."
Peyton nodded, knowing that Jillian needed to not warn Peyton, but needed to vocalize her pain and guilt about her situation. Peyton leaned over and took Jenny from Jillian, cradling her in her arms.
"Why don't you spend the day with Jenny? I got to head over to work."
"We'll walk you." Both girls stood from the bed, Peyton taking the diaper bag from the floor when they passed to go down the stairs.
"Promise me, Peyt." Peyton remained silent. "Promise me."
"I promise."
Peyton was promising so much, she wasn't sure if she could uphold it. She promised to not let anything get in the way of her life and she promised to tell Luke the truth. That in itself seemed a paradox. But she did not promise to keep quiet about Jillian's own secrets.
Peyton watched Jill as she went into work after saying goodbye to her baby. Peyton waited until she knew that Jilly wasn't watching and walked into the Cafe. She saw Jake right away at a table near the door, cleaning off the remnants of someone's lunch.
"I need to talk to you when you get a break."
Jake was hoping that she wasn't going to talk to him about what happened with Lucas. "What's up?"
"It's about Jilly."
