Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!
thank you tardychick!
If Only I Could Settle For
"Is that Jackass still in town?" Jake stood from the crate he was sitting on, fists clenched at his sides.
The only times Peyton remembered seeing him angry were when someone was threatening Jillian. It was a whole new side of the passive, docile Jake.
"I don't think I was supposed to tell you all this. You have to keep it between you and me, for at least a little while."
"Why the hell did you tell me if I'm not supposed to let her know that I know?"
"I told you because you deserve to know how much Jillian has given up for you." Jake was avoiding looking at Peyton but now, shocked by her statement, he looked over at her. "She is so scared, Jake. She needs you to tell her that things are going to be okay."
"It's not like I haven't tried."
"I don't know what is going on with her, but she is in a dark place right now. Being ostracized by her family, an old friend betraying her, and all the other shit in her life probably doesn't help, but she is having a hard time. She needs you to be there."
"I'm trying."
Peyton held up her hands in an easing motion. "Don't shoot the messenger. I don't know how you are trying to help but obviously it's not working so much. Try harder."
Peyton stood and began to walk away, back from behind the Cafe. Jake ran few steps and took the back of her arm, pulling her lightly to look at him.
Thanks, Peyt." She only nodded. Jake looking into her eyes made her forget where she was planning on going.
Then she remembered. Oh yeah, Lucas.
She pulled out her cell phone as she heard the back door to the Cafe slamming shut. She punched in her dad's cell number and waiting patiently for him to pick up.
Though she already knew that he would not answer. She had called everyday since he left over two months ago and the last time she actually heard from him was a little over a month ago.
She prayed that he would pick up; she needed to talk to someone and though he wasn't around much, Peyton seemed dependent on him. She hated that aspect of her life. She hated depending on someone that was so openly not there when she needed them.
She left a voice message as she continued walking towards the river court. Though she was going to the basketball court to tell him about their relationship, all she could think about was the Jilly/Jake scenario.
Peyton came to the realization that she was a good actress and if her art was never to take off, at least she could fall back on that. She had managed to seem perfectly fine with the arrangement though inside her heart broke into micro millimeters. But after awhile the hurting stopped; more like lessened.
She hadn't really meant to break up with Jake. It had slipped up in the moment of anger. Jillian called Peyton to help her and then said that she couldn't be with anyone but Jake; that made her angry. She always hoped that he would see what a mistake it was and he would come back to her.
Obviously there was a lot of feelings still there between Jake and Jillian. Again, the acting came into play. She was disappointed and depressed but she wanted to be apart of their lives still, even if it were just friends. She knew that she could not realistically take care of Jake and Jenny, though she had wanted to try.
It was Jillian's job to be there for them first and foremost. Peyton knew that she was important to all three of their lives and that it was kept her going. She had her own life to live but she didn't mind being apart of theirs. Being alone most of the time, it was nice for her to feel needed.
Not that when she saw them together sometimes the old feelings came back to her and she wanted nothing more than to run up to Jake and be in his arms. That happened sometimes. And she hated herself for it.
Her stomach fell to her feet once she came into view of the basketball court, the murky river and power plants serving as a backdrop and a perfect metaphor for her life.
Dark, Gloomy. It seemed that the water knew of her lies.
Peyton was coming to tell Lucas that she loved him. Even if it was a lie.
He saw her walking through the soggy grass toward him. She looked like a mirage; full of glow in the sun, she would look perfect in his eyes if only she would smile. He truly saw her as the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. But he would never tell her that; just look how telling her he loved her went.
Lucas was so sure that she was coming out to the court to tell him something horrible. She walked so slowly, not calling out to meet half way and jump into his arms like she usually did. He thought it couldn't possibly be good.
But when she came closer, he saw a glimmer in her eye; he thought maybe it was just a tear waiting to ripen and fall down her face. She rushed into his arms and said over and over again how sorry she was. She whispered into his ear, just as he had whispered into hers, those same words that change a relationship for good. And he realized that a tear was not hanging in her eye but a ray of hope of forgiveness was waiting to shine.
He held her tight, wanting to stay just like this the rest of the day. He came out to the river court to vent all his frustrations, to yell and beat on the backboard with the worn ball like he had done many times before. Now all he wanted to do was hold onto Peyton foreverand feel this happiness that washed over him.
Peyton held onto his shirt to keep from falling to her knees. She knew it was wrong to tell him something that wasn't true. She regarded hurting him by saying that she didn't feel the same as just as bad.
She managed to hold onto the tear until his back was turned and he was holding onto her tight. She need his comfort even though he was the reason that she felt so horrible, so guilty.
She would feel so alone without him. She had held onto Jake before and now it was Lucas. If she had to lie to keep their relationship going, than she would take that risk.
It's too lonely being alone.
Jillian nearly dropped her coffee and the stack of books she was carrying when Jake snuck up behind her in the hallway, lightly kissing her neck.
"What the hell are you doing?" She looked around, acting like a paranoid schizophrenic. She people snickered as they walked by, but not because of her paranoid tendency but some new rumor going around school about her. By now she had learned to ignore it.
"I don't care anymore." He took her books from her. "What's going on?"
"I'm way behind and I need to catch up."
"Okay, you can work on this while you are at work. Let's go to lunch."
"I need to do some stuff at the library, you go ahead." She began to walk down the hall to the library and instead of going in the other direction toward the lunchroom, he followed her a few paces. "Go, Jake."
"No, I'll come with you to the library." He was still holding her books. Something odd about the way he wanted to be with her even if it was while working on schoolwork made Jillian smile. She didn't want to refuse either; at least she wouldn't be alone.
"Okay." He hadn't seen a smile like that for the last couple of weeks since the Denny incident. He liked seeing her smile. He liked it even better while they walked down the hall, She took Jake's hand into her own and squeezed a little.
Jillian caught Lucas as she was leaving form the library.
"Missed you guys in lunch today."
"Yeah right, you two probably didn't even notice we weren't there." She made a kissing face and Lucas laughed.
"You heading to pick up the baby?"
"Got to stop by my locker and pick up a few more things." They both started down the hallway.
Lucas lifted up her backpack even though she was wearing it. "This already weighs a ton."
"That's why I'm carrying the books."
"You only have three classes."
"Three college classes. That are kicking my ass by the way. It's not like I don't have enough other stuff to do."
Jillian stopped in front of the locker that both her and Jake shared, entering in the combination.
"Yeah right, you are the smartest person in this whole damn school so I don't want to hear it." He waited to hear her laugh before he began again. "I want you to look for this book at work. I found it on Amazon and it sounds good. It's called Just a Couple of Days by Vigorito-"
"I can't."
"You said it was my week to pick. I read that girly book Unless, so it's your turn to deal with my choice."
"no, I mean that I don't have time right now to read a book that's not for class. I'm reading two already."
He wasn't expecting it, but it didn't seem like a big deal; maybe in a few days.
"Okay, reserve me a copy if you can find one." He started to walk away as she shut the locker.
"Sure will. See you later, Luke." She darted for the door, wanting to head over to the Cafe to get some more coffee before she needed to pick up Jenny.
She strained with all the baby gear while trying to open the front door. Jenny was sucking on her foot, sitting on the front step in her car seat.
"Well, I'm glad you are comfortable." She was tired, cranky and Jenny wouldn't sleep.
Peyton opened the door and laughed at Jillian's full arms of bags of diapers, stroller, formula and everything else that was bought for Jenny, so it seemed. Jillian let out a long sigh of relief and handed over some of the stuff she was attempting to carry.
"I heard you struggling." Peyton explained. "You do realize that I said I would watch her for a day, right? I didn't say I'd take care of her till she moved out to go to college."
"You never know what you will need." Jillian walked into the house with Jenny's car seat in one hand and her favorite blanket and stuffed animal in the other. "Thank you for agreeing to this Peyton. I really owe you big for this."
"No problem. I love Jenny." She lifted the squirming girl from the seat and held her above her face while she gave her little kisses.
"These last couple of weeks we've been so busy. I've been working all the time since my boss got married, school's been crazy."
"Well, now that the parents are out for the weekend, you guys can just chill, take a break while Jenny and me spend some time together."
"I have a paper I have to work on, some other stuff-"
"Spend time with Jake."
Jillian smiled in defeat. She knew that she should spend time with Jake but there was so much that needed to be done.
The phone rang, and once Peyton heard it start ringing, she dashed towards the base of the cordless phone and looked at the caller identification. She dashed over to the hone in excitement and now walked back to where Jillian was standing, with dejection written all over her face.
"Solicitors." The one word didn't explain it all.
"Were you expecting someone to call?"
Peyton was still holding onto Jenny, bouncing her to help ease the small cries that were coming on.
"I was hoping my dad was going to call. I haven't talked to him in a long time." She paused for a moment and laughed at how she was trying to make it sound so causal. "Longer than a long time. I haven't heard from him in more than a month now."
Jillian put her hand on Peyton's shoulder. "I know what it's like to not have a Dad around. They don't know the first thing about parenting anyways."
"It's hard though."
"You should be used to it by now. God knows I am. I haven't heard from my dad since I got here four months ago." She laughed. "I realize now why we are friends. We are both messed up because of our fathers."
Peyton didn't know what to say to Jill. She was hoping for some type of comfort that Jillian was good at giving to people, but was disappointed when all Jillian could say to her was that she would get over it.
"Thank you again, Peyton." Jillian took Jenny from Peyton and said her goodbyes and kissed her. "I haven't spent a night away from her since I got here." She held onto her though Peyton reached out for Jenny. "I don't think I can do it, Peyton."
"It'll be okay." She took Jenny out of her arms. Jenny didn't even fuss. "Go before you change your mind. Call me later."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She rushed out of the door, unsure why she was crying while driving back to the house.
Peyton desperately needed to talk to someone but didn't want it to come back to her and haunt her. She wanted to Jillian the truth but couldn't get herself to say it.
I don't love Lucas.
All she wants is someone to hold her and tell her that she is okay. She never had that before Jake. She didn't want it to end because of something so trivial in her life like love.
