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To Not be so Ashamed of My Mistakes
Peyton hung up her cell phone. Her dad had just called to say that they would be in port in fifteen minutes. Peyton pretended that she was still driving out to the pier when in reality, she had been waiting there already a half of an hour.
She didn't want to be late, even if it meant sitting there. She wanted to see her dad walk off the boat just like she would do when she was younger.
Peyton felt bad about all the things she had said to Lucas when she found out about her dad getting back home. She tried to mask it by telling herself that Lucas had no idea what it was like to have one parent dead and the other gone all the time. Her dad coming home was a big deal to her, because even though he wasn't home much, she was still close to him and he was her only parent, her only protector. He had his mom full time and always had. She caulked it up to him not able to understand the situation.
He had wanted to come along with her to pick up her dad so she wouldn't have to drive alone the long distance to the port they were coming in. Peyton told him that she didn't want him along, though before she could explain it clearly, Lucas got upset, saying that she didn't plan on telling her dad about their relationship. It was partly true; she didn't plan on telling him about her and Lucas. It wasn't because she didn't want to, it was because they have so little time together, she hated to have to talk about Luke.
She told that to Luke and that made it worse. They got into an argument and he left, without a resolution. It didn't weigh heavy on Peyton, nonetheless; her dad was coming home. That was more important than a little argument.
Then running into the foreplay of Jake and Jill didn't help her feelings toward Lucas either. She saw how happy they were together and instantaneously felt immensely jealous. It was her that he would chase around the house before they fell into bed together, not Jill.
Well at least, it was Jillian before Peyton, but Peyton remembered that Jake gave up on Jill to pursue something with her. Though, before this moment, Peyton never realized he gave up on her to be back with Jill.
Jillian was the only person she really felt close to anymore, but it hurt to have to see her with the happiness that Peyton use to have. The happiness that she still wanted in her life. And it hurt that for some reason, she couldn't tell her about not really loving Lucas.
The time must have slipped away from her because before she knew it, she saw her father walking down the wooden pier toward her car, some of his coworkers alongside him. She noticed that he had already made a few trips off of the boat, placing tools and other stuff from the boat onto the dock. By the time she noticed they were in, he was making his way from the dock his bag over his shoulder.
He was finally home. She hadn't spoken to him in over a month and she couldn't believe that he was standing there. She didn't know why, but she thought of her mother when she saw him walking toward the car. Her mother would have wanted her husband to stay close to home to be with Peyton, that she knew, but she also knew that her mother would also be happy with this scene; a daughter waiting for her father.
She got out of the drivers seat and greeted him with a hug. "Hey, Daddy."
He smiled a wide toothed grin that everyone knew him for. "Daddy?"
"I missed you." Peyton let go of her father so that he could throw his bags in the trunk of her car. "I didn't hear from you for so long..." She let her sentence trail off; they never liked to talk about the hazards of his job. "I didn't know if something was wrong..."
"Don't you worry about that, baby, I'm going to be home for a while now."
Peyton relaxed in the passenger's seat, her feet on the dashboard. "I hope you're not expecting me to hold my breath."
He started the car, waving to his friends on the job as they drove by. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You said the last time you came home you would stay for awhile. How long did that last?"
He responded, guilt lacing his words. "Two weeks."
"Two weeks isn't a long time in my book. That and you never called me. When I was younger, you called all the time; at least three times a week. I didn't hear from you for weeks."
"What do you want me to stay?" He looked at Peyton as he turned onto the highway. All Peyton could do was shrug her shoulders. "Lets' not argue ten minutes after we see each other, how about we just focus on the future. How's Jake?"
Peyton winced at the name. She just realized that he father was way behind on her love life. He returned and left so quickly, Peyton had broken up with Jake right after he left. She didn't want to explain her love life to her dad, including the heartbreak she felt with Jake. It was just easier to move onto another person that would take her mind off of Jake.
This was going to be a long car ride home.
"Your math book might as well be surgically attached to one of her hands, Jilly."
Jill heard only part of his insult; she was absorbed into the material she was reading.
"What'd you say, Jake?"
She looked from her page to look over at Jake feeding Jenny some yellow baby food, unrecognizably mashed to Jillian. She made a face as she glanced upon the substance on the spoon Jake was holding out to their daughter. He smiled.
"Hey, she likes and doesn't spit it all up. That's fine with me."
He saw her smile but it quickly faded as she placed her nose back into her Calculus book. He felt a little silly being jealous of a book. She was constantly doing schoolwork and now that business was picking up at the bookstore, she couldn't even work on her school stuff there. She was spending less time not only with Jake, but with Jenny as well.
"So what did you guys do this weekend?" Jake was snapped back into reality once he realized that he mother was talking to him. "I hate when your father's work takes us away from home, but I hope it wasn't too terrible. You both had to work and you had that paper right?"
Jilly looked over her book to glance at Jake who was returning the stare. They both told her that they had to work and that there was so much to do that they doubted they would be home at the same time. That was the only reason that they would let them stay home alone for an entire weekend.
Alice was half tempted to get her mother to stay with them but she knew that they weren't average teenagers. They were more mature and responsible that most kids in their twenties. She didn't worry about coming home to a trashed house.
"We mostly did schoolwork." That was the first lie that Jill were to tell. The second being. "We watched movies when we weren't busy."
"We went down to the arcade and played air hockey." Jillian nodded in agreement, knowing that Jake never liked lying to him mother.
"That's great. You didn't take Jenny with you, did you?"
They both looked at each other again; a telltale sign to Alice that they were unsure how to answer, that they might be trying to cover up something.
"No, Peyton wanted to spend some time with Jen." Jake was cleaning up Jenny, trying to leave the room from being nervous about his mother's probing questions.
"What day did you say you worked, Jake?"
He was rinsing off some dishes, hoping that he didn't hear her ask what he thought he heard. He hated lying to her, but Jillian wasn't coming to the rescue so he had to keep lying.
Frank sat down at the table next to his granddaughter, his newspaper in one hand while he played with Jenny. Jenny's giggles were heard over the conversation between mother and son and they both stopped to admire the musical noise.
"I worked a double on Saturday. Karen really needed my help."
"Oh well, she wanted me to tell you something. See, I ran into her last night when we drove by and she wanted me to tell you that she hopes that you and Jenny feel better soon and if you need more time off, she understands." Jake glanced in from the kitchen to look at Jillian who had put the book down on the table. "Why don't you two tell me the truth."
"I told you they weren't responsible enough to be left home alone, Alice. I know they are very mature for their age, but after all, they are still teenagers."
"Nothing happened, Dad, we just hung around the house. I called in sick so that we could spend the day together with Jenny."
"Oh." Alice looked at her husband; they were both satisfied with the answer.
They all settled onto what they were doing before the interrogation; Frank reading the paper with Jenny holding onto his finger and giggling, Alice eating her own breakfast, Jillian reading out of her book. Jake couldn't stand the guilt of having to lie to his parents any longer.
"I'm sorry Jilly, but I can't do this anymore. We didn't spend the day with Jenny. We spent the day together, we went out on a date."
"You are doing what?" Frank placed his paper down as his wife dropped her spoon in her bowl, making a loud clanging sound that caught Jenny's attention. "How long has this been going on?" It was Frank's turn to ask the questions.
Jill avoided their eyes so Jake answered as he walked back into the room. "Almost three months now."
Alice sighed. She was completely out of the loop on this one. She looked at Jillian. "I asked you if there was anything going on since Jake broke up with Peyton and you told me no. I asked you and you said that if anything were to happen, you would tell me because I have a right to know what is going on in my own house."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"You live with him, Jillian. You two have loved each other for a long time, but I can't do certain things knowing that you two are dating. Are you two responsible enough to handle this type of situation when there are so many things in your life-"
"I'm going to the doctor Wednesday so that I'm on birth control."
Frank, Jake, and Alice all made exasperated grunting noises.
"When I said responsible, I meant, work, school, your daughter, not sex." She laughed, annoyed. "Are you two already having sex?"
They both avoided her eyes. She could do nothing but laugh again.
"Are you trying to get pregnant again? Are you two not thinking of the consequences?"
"Go to school." Frank was getting up from the table. "We will talk about this later."
Alice wasn't happy with his command. "No, we need to talk about this now."
"Don't make them late for class." He looked at the two of them. "Go, I'll drop off Jenny today on my way to work."
They were in the car on the way to school before anything else was said.
"Wow," Jake stated. "could that have gone any worse?" He glanced over at her; she was sitting with her arms crossed over her chest, not responding to his question. "What's wrong?"
"I don't really want to talk to you right now."
"I know we should have talked about it before we told them-"
"Yeah, you're right we should have. Too late now."
"So what, they're mad at us for awhile."
"You might not mind having a mom pissed off at you, but her opinion of me matters more than that. So thank you."
Jake sighed. This was going to be a long car ride to school.
"Not that I don't mind giving you a ridefrom school since you've been so busy lately and never spend time with me, but why am I giving you a ride?"
"Jake was busy."
"Okay, now that you got the bullshit out of the way, try telling me the truth."
Jillian looked at Peyton, laughing, knowing that Peyton knew better. Both girls got out of Peyton's car while Jillian got Jenny out from the backseat.
"We had a fight." Peyton took out Jenny from her car seat, bouncing her as they walked behind Jillian.
"About what?"
Jillian put her stuff and Jenny's diaper bag behind the counter and took a pile of used books that were waiting for her to come into work to be stocked. Peyton followed Jillian as she stocked the books in her own code, knowing where every book was located. Peyton, full of curiosity, wanted to know what had happened.
"Jake told his parents that we've been together and his mom freaked out."
"I can't believe he would do that out of the blue to you! He must be able to understand that you love his mom."
"I love having her approval and I don't think we do. I really care about what she thinks of me, my own mother never gave a damn about me, and he doesn't see that."
"I'm sorry, Jilly, but I think it'll work itself out."
"Yeah well, I accidentally told his mother we are having sex again so you might want to retract that statement."
Jillian continued walking down one of the aisles while Peyton stopped, a smirk on her face. Jillian turned around to see Peyton fall to the floor, Jenny still in her arms, while she laughed, her cheeks turning pink. Peyton noticed that Jill was staring.
"You got to admit that it is funny." Peyton stood once she saw that Jill did not find it funny. "But it must feel pretty good to be back together, together, if you get what I'm saying."
"I guess." Jillian got quiet.
"You don't sound so sure." Peyton, though she still felt strongly for Jake and really didn't like butting in too much on their relationship, was worried about Jillian considering how down she was.
"Thinking about it, I know we shouldn't have done it. We should have waited."
"Did you tell Jake this?"
"Yeah, I'm going to go right up to him and say 'I love you, but sleeping with you, that was a huge mistake and I regret it. Every time I think about it, dear, I want to throw up and go to church.' And you know how I feel about church."
Jillian walked down the aisle to go to the counter and check on where the book she was holding was supposed to go on the shelf when she realized that Jake had walked into the store. By the look on his face, Jillian could tell that he had heard every word she said. She moved a step closer to him to explain that she didn't mean it, figure out some lie to tell him about what she really meant, but he was already moving to walk out the door.
"Jake, wait."
Jillian ran out the door to catch up with Jake.
"I came to make sure you got to work okay. I came to apologize for Jesus' sake and, and..." His fists were clenched but no words would come out of his mouth.
"Don't be mad at me, Jake-"
"I'm not mad." Jillian had to practically run to keep up with Jake. "I'm a little pissed but I'm more wounded than anything."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't say it, don't say you're sorry for the truth."
Jillian stopped trying to keep up with him but opted to cry in the middle of the sidewalk. Jake realized that she was no longer chasing him, so he turned around.
"But I have something to say to you. I just want you to know that there is a lot in my life that I've regretted; a hell of a lot of stuff that I've done. But I can honestly say, no wait, I can promise you, that none of it had anything to do with you, with us, and with Jenny. Never."
He continued walking and Jill didn't bother to keep chasing after him. His words hurt her more than the what she had done to him.
