Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

holy crap chick! I'm sorry to hear about your arm. I hope it heals fast! It sucks not being able to do the things you need to do with just one arm


I Have No Ground to Hold

Her sketch book resting against her thighs as she curled up on a pillow next to her window, her Killers CD barely at an audible level, Peyton drew her father's car in the driveway. Of all the sights she would love to have, of all the beautiful views that she would want to be see out her bedroom window, that was one of her favorites. It meant that she wasn't alone anymore, at least not alone for a little length of time.

"You're up pretty early." She looked up from her book to see her father standing in the doorway.

"I knew you get up early. I wanted to see if you wanted to go out for breakfast before I need to head off for school."

"Sounds good." There was a slight sound of disbelief in his voice. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where my daughter is, do you?"

He walked over to the window to look out at what she was drawing. Peyton, rolling her eyes at his comment, threw the book on the window seat as she moved to her bathroom to check her hair in the mirror. He looked down at the book, moving it so he could look at it right side-up, sighing at how his daughter's talents always amazed him. He was amazed, regardless of the fact that she always seemed to use this talent to depict sad things.

Peyton walked out of the bathroom, turned off the music and started for the door, her dad still standing by the window, peering out.

"Grab a jacket. It's going to be a little chilly today."

He wasn't adapted to telling her what to do, nor was Peyton really prepared to her father being fatherly. But she liked having him around, telling her little things like that. She never had him around to help her tie her shoes, or help her ride a bike. This little gesture meant the world to her.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what happened to you while I was gone?"

Peyton gingerly cut through a stack of pancakes and forked the syrupy load to carry to her mouth. "What do you mean?"

"You promise to not hold anything I say against me or to give me the legendary Peyton eye-roll?"

She almost relented and gave an eye roll at just the mere suggestion, but she held back, chuckling and shaking her head.

"Again, I'm not complaining, but usually when I come back home you usually go about your day like I'm still on the ship. You don't usually work anything around me, and all of sudden, we are doing things together."

"That's not true." She said while she sipped her coffee.

"Usually after a day or two you seem so bored to have me around the house. I know you wish I was back out so you can have the house to yourself again."

"That's the farthest thing from the truth and you know it."

He couldn't argue because he really had no idea what was going on in her head; he never really knew what she was thinking, from the time she was a little girl. He tried to let on that he understood his child, though he knew Peyton could see right through him.

"I guess I act like that because I know that you aren't staying for long, no matter what you say. It's just easier to keep my routine down because you're going to be gone soon anyways."

He felt guilty. He bit his tongue though, not trying to make any promises about coming home this time. He already told her that he was staying home for awhile but it could change at any moment and he knew that she was right; he had a habit of leaving her in disappointment.

"What's different this time then?"

Peyton wasn't sure herself really. She knew that she was lonely, but why did she need her father to be home so badly? She opted to tell him the truth.

"Because I'm pretty lonely without a dad around."

He seemed so confused. "You never told me this before. You had Jake and all your friends, it seemed like you didn't need me around."

"I don't expect you to understand it; I know that my friends don't. Sometimes I feel like I didn't just lose a mom in that accident." She avoided looking at her father and the guilt she knew he carried around with him. "Wow, I'm going to be late if I don't take off." She took her jacket from the back of her chair. She leaned over the table and kissed her father's cheek.

He nodded, not saying anything. Peyton didn't know if it upset him, if he was hurt, or if he felt responsible for Peyton feeling the way she did. She would find out later how he felt; it felt good for Peyton to be able to tell her dad something she held inside her heart for so long. She felt liberated.

"Is it because of Jake?" She turned around to see her father pushing his food away from in front of himself.

She knew it was true and that is what confused her. She must be transparent if her father could decipher that it was the underlying problem. She only nodded before exiting out of the restaurant.

Her feeling of liberation held on a brief moment before dropping out of existence.


The alarm was sounding for the third time. Jillian decided the best method to get the little box from sounding once again was to stop hitting the snooze and just turn it off.

Some time later, Alice knocked lightly on the door; Jillian did not stir.

"It's time to get up Jilly." No response. "You need to get up or you'll be late for school."

Jillian might have said something, but all that came out was a mumbled mess.

"Are you not feeling good?" There was something Jill could understand. She did feel like she got ran over twenty times.

"I think I'm staying home."

All the words were legible. She turned her head back over and rested her face on the cool surface. Alice moved her hair out of her face and felt the back of her neck; she was sweating while the room was chilled.

"I have to leave for work. You should get an appointment with the doctor; you're burning up. I'm going to take Jenny with me. "

Alice closed the door lightly as she left.

Jillian knew how mad and disappointed Alice was in her and she thought maybe her symptoms were psychosomatic.

She turned over onto her back. Jake. They didn't really talk since that day in the bookstore and it killed her to be like that. She apologized over and over again but still he continued to be angry with her. She knew he was angry just to cover up how hurt he was. She could read Jake like a magazine.

Jillian hobbled as best she could to the bathroom while she dragged the thick blanket she had draped over her shoulders. She headed straight for the medicine cabinet, seeking out some sort of remedy to cure her symptoms.

Jake could see her searching through the cabinet from his doorway, almost certain that she had no idea he could see her. He saw her turn on the faucet, fill a glass more than half way. He continued watching as she extracted a pill out of this bottle, a pill out of another bottle, then two out of the last bottle before she replaced all the bottles. She threw back her head, swallowing the pills as she gulped down the tap water.

Jake moved back into his room, pretending to just walk out as she walked down the hall to her own room. They crossed paths, the two meeting with their eyes.

"Are you staying home?"

Jake looked away though he knew she was nodding.

"Leave me a voicemail if I need to pick up Jenny."

She said nothing in response but just stood there. Jake decided to make his way downstairs and grab some breakfast he could eat on the way to school. He took two steps toward the stairs when he heard a thud behind him. Turning around, he saw Jillian lying in the hallway, her eyes closed.

He ran over and lifted her head and shoulders, resting them against his leg. He rubbed her cheek, hoping that she would open her eyes, though she didn't, he knew she was okay.

Jake carried her back into her bed, gently putting her down. Feeling her forehead, he felt that she had a fever. He put a cold washrag on her head, waiting for her to open her eyes.

Jake thought for a moment that maybe she fainted because of the pills she took. He didn't have the chance to see what she was taking. She didn't have a migraine; he could tell.

He left her room, silently going into the bathroom and opening the cabinet with as little noise as he could muster. Jake never really had any reason to go through the cabinet because he did not keep any of his things in there; it was all Jillian's.

Never realizing how many pills Jillian kept, Jake found himself turning little prescription bottle after little prescription bottle to read the labels of each. Half the names, he couldn't pronounce, nonetheless, he realized that there might be a problem.

Jake remembered going with her to get a prescription for one medication; he found the bottle and read the instructions. The bottle said to take two a day and he also remembered that the day she got the pills was fifteen days previously.

He emptied the contents of the bottle and started counting. Jake got all the way to fifteen without realizing that Jillian was standing right behind him.

"What are you doing?"

He froze in place; there was no hiding what he was doing, no explanation or excuse to place in for his actions. Jillian moved around to his side while he thought of how much he was in trouble.

"I was just getting something to give you since you collapsed..."

"Save it." She snatched the pill bottle out of his hand, peering in to look at the empty bottle. "Snooping through my pills? It's a low grade to help with the pain."

"There should be more in here than there is." It was such a small statement but it sent here over the edge anyways.

"Are you counting my medication?"

She pushed Jake out of in front of the cabinet, spilling all the bottles onto the sink with one swing of her hand. He piled the pills in his hands on the counter with the bottles.

"Want to check all these bottles, too? Hey, look at my allergy pills to make sure I'm not doubling up to get a fix."

"I'm just looking because you fell over and I thought maybe it was something you took."

"Stop being so concerned about me. I can handle this."

Jake reached over, placing his hand on her shoulder, of which she immediately shrugged off. He grimaced, knowing that only hours before it was he that was the angry one and Jillian was begging for forgiveness.

He knew what he had to say would hurt but he had to say it.

"That's why I'm looking, Jilly. I know you can't handle it." She started to walk away but he caught her arm and held on tightly. "It's not your fault, you can't help it."

"You are being a real asshole right now. You don't know what it is like to have to do everything and be perfect for everyone. I'm in so much pain all the time and if you had any knowledge of how it really felt, you wouldn't butt in like this."

"You're right, I don't know your pain, but there is no excuse for abusing your drugs. I can help you."

Jill was turning her anger into tears quicker than she could realize. "I just want the pain to stop. And I'm not abusing them. I don't mean to take too much. It still gives you no right."

She was still holding onto her guns, adamant about being mad at Jake. He always loved that quality she had.

"Well after the last time-"

The tears had suspended once she heard Jake say those five words. "Don't finish that sentence, or I swear to God-"

"Jillian, it wasn't your fault that it happened. You needed to be on the caffeine pills for the migraines, everyone understood that you had trouble sleeping and the shakes because of it but it was your mom's fault that you got hooked."

"Stop it. It was all me."

"No it wasn't. She was the one that told you to use it for more than just when you felt the migraines coming on. She was the one that told you your grades had to be perfect, you have to do everything for her and taking those pills was the only way to ensure it."

"Stop it." She started pounding her fists on his chest but it didn't phase him any. Jake knew that she was angry at her mother, not him. She stopped punching him, molding into sobs, resting her head on his chest and crying into his shirt.

"No. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

Jillian was quiet for a moment. "She was right though."

Jake pulled away to look at her face. "How do you mean?"

"I can't do it all without those pills."

She held out her hands. He realized the shakes were from the pills from last night, but only now did he see how bad the shaking was. She couldn't even hold her arms steady because she the shaking was worsening.

"It'll be okay."

He held onto her, bringing her down onto the bathroom floor after he sat down leaning his back against the sink. She sat collapsed onto Jake as she cried. She had no idea how Jake would make the situation better.

All she knew was that she couldn't stop.

Not even for Jake.