I'll admit, I did feel pretty smug when the Doctor chose me over Adam. Who wouldn't? He chose me over super brain-genius kid. Although I don't know what I'd have done if I'd been in Adam's place.
But I went and blew it.
I wanted to see my father. Finally, see who he was. Comfort him; let him know that someone cared – even if he didn't recognise that someone.
I'm shaking; I can't believe I nearly destroyed – did destroy – everything. I should have known better. The only reason I'm here now is that… Is that my dad killed himself. He let himself be killed. For me. And he never even knew me; he couldn't have done.
And I never got to know him.
I knew it was completely stupid, even as I pushed dad out of the car's path. I knew it was stupid, even when I denied it during the argument with the Doctor. Even as I threw my TARDIS key at him. Even as he slammed the door.
And, forgive me dad, I wished I hadn't done it. Because, even if I knew he wouldn't leave me, there was still a tiny part of me thinking – he left Adam. What's so special about me?
When he came back, my heart jumped, I swear. I was so relieved to see him.
He killed himself to save me too, today. He'll argue, say it wasn't just me he was saving, there were other people in there too.
But he knew how to stop them. And he didn't tell me, because he wanted to give me that chance to know my dad.
Why did he do it? He knew that the only solution was for my dad to die, yet he still chose to die in his place.
And the only conclusion that I can come to, is that he did it – he did it for me.
Me, Rose Tyler.
But why?
And why am I still here, when Adam isn't? I can't help but feel terrified that it's only a matter of time before I, too am discarded. I mean, he doesn't need me; he's God knows how old, has seen the universe. I'm only tagging along for the ride, someone to alleviate the boredom.
Although he did come back for me.
And he died for me.
I don't want to leave; couldn't bear to leave. Everything – the universe, history… Him. I couldn't bear to lose it, any of it.
And I think I might have done. Or at least come very, very close. Maybe it would be safer if I went back home – but I can't do it. I'm too selfish to give this all up.
Please review and let me know what you thought!
I have no idea if Jillybean and I have come up with same idea; all I've read is the summary of her fic 'Rules'. Sorry if I have – it's pure coincidence!
