My mother watched me play with my food, practically hesitating to eat or not. She was already becoming worried seeing her daughter barely even eating, barely even alive anymore like she use to be. I knew my mother was, it was plain to tell even though she didn't show the pain and destruction I could hear her mourning in her room late at night, when she assumed I was sleeping when I was awake staring at the ceiling lingering on to all the words my father said.
She just placed her hand on my shoulder, while she titled her head and her dark brown eyes looked like they were just sealed with tears ready to rush down her face any moment.
" Kagome, please you have to eat. You haven't been and it's been worrying me."
My mother pushed the bowl closer towards my face, while I took a swift bite or so and placed it down, staring at the photos of the wall of him and me, and I holding a huge trophy with pride. I just shoved myself from the table, I couldn't take this anymore. My mother looked at me, seeing me quietly going up the stairs almost like I didn't want to be noticed.
" Kagome? Are you done?"
My mother asked showing the food and it looked like nobody had even touched it at all. I just grasped on to the railing sighing, and looked straight through her like she barely existed.
" Yes. I'll just be upstairs doing homework."
I found myself walking into a world of bright pink, with my trophies I achieved and medals hanging near my desk, finding everything now in this room looking so sad, and so dull than usual. I just threw myself in the bank of pillows near my window that I had created to relax and think about things. I just threw myself down lying to myself over and over, that he wasn't gone, he was just gone for a moment.
" He's only off on vacation..Like a business trip." I told myself over staring at the mirror that reflected my dull face trying to convince myself more than ever. " Forever." I muttered again throwing my fist against the wall just missing the mirror that hung against it. I felt anger and rage run through me, almost like I had been holding everything in trying to show the world and myself I was tough, and strong and something like this wouldn't affect me. After all I knew he wasn't dead.. then again that idea backfired. How the hell I would I know? He never even dared calling us, telling he was ok and his explanation. He never even cared, because if he would he would of called us.
" Kami! Why the hell did you have to do this to me? Why did you have to hurt me and mom and leave us all by yourselves alone? You said you loved me and cared about me, but you have even dared let us know where you are, or hear your voice. Your never around for anything anymore! You made my life miserable! You make mom cry every night, as she tries to stay strong. How could you do this to us? I..I..Hate you!"
I cried out bashing the wall once again, barely even feeling the pain throbbing in my fist. I had placed pictures of him and I and hung them up, and now there I was tearing them down. I watched it fall and shredded to pieces, and rushing towards my awards from soccer and throwing them all of the room, destroying every piece of me that reminded me of him. I now hated the fact I had his eyes, now I hated the fact I had his famous smile, and I hated the fact I was apart of him, when he didn't dare be apart me.
" I hate you, I hate you! You never cared, you were never around to see me play at all, I can't believe you! I hate you so much!"
I found myself struggling, throwing and feeling myself snapping and I couldn't control it. I felt my hands shaking and my mother rushing up the stairs in alarm throwing open to see her daughter mad with tears, and with everything ripped of him and I, and everything in my room broken; pictures fell from the walls, even the mirror barely even realizing my hands were cut servely.
My mother didn't say one word, she automatically rushing over and grabbed me tightly in her arms trying to stop anymore damage I was about to make. She could see I was upset, but I think she realized this wasn't the daughter she knew anymore. She held me tighter, while I had stopped struggling as she whispered in my ear trying to calm me down, when all I wanted to was scream at the world telling them how much I hated my father, and how much I wanted to rip him away from me anyway I can.
" Kagome..Please just stop! I don't want to lose you either!"
I had been clueless as to what she meant by that before, and now I did. She didn't want to lose me, she was afraid now that she saw this, she was sure she was going to lose her daughter in any way. When I saw the tears streaming faster down her cheeks than she could wipe them it plucked at my heartstrings and I had realized I had hurt my own mother in the process just being this way. I looked up at her, feeling my body shake and my hair thrown all over the place, and finally holding my hand feeling now the cut I had made.
She sat me on the bed seeing me feel even worse about myself I had my own mother bawl her eyes out, scaring her with how I had been acting. She realized I wasn't eating, barely even happy about my day, wanting to quit the soccer team, it was life lost all meaning when he left us. The only I saw things returning back to normal, if he came back but it was obvious he was never going to come back.
" Kagome your bleeding! Stay here."
My mother muttered grabbing the first aid kit, while I sat on my bed realizing now the room was completely destroyed, shattered everything around me was once neatly placed away and now thrown all over the floor, while I found me hurting myself by looking at the picture of him and I, and his famous smile that had told many times that I had. Finally hit me how destructive, how angry I became, it was almost scary. The fact I could barely control myself, made me feel weaker afraid that one day I'd do it again, and it would be worse.
My mother finally came back with a huge strip of gauze in her hands, while I stared at the cut that stared on my palm from the index finger barely touching my wrist. The cut was really deep, moving my thumb away and seeing the blood seeping through like crazy, while I cried even more when I felt the pain kick in.
" Here. Hold it steady."
My mother whispered softly, as she placed the white strip on my hand wrapping it around my hand a couple of times until she tied it tightly with the ends. The cream she lay down on it made my whole hand sting and felt numb after a few seconds. I just plainly looked at her maddened that she was being so nice, so calm when I expected her to get mad, yell and scream. I wanted her to call me a bad daughter I deserved it, even when I had realized I left a mark on her arm when I was trying to fight her embrace that held me down.
" Mom! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
I repeated desperately between sobs feeing weak and exhausted I could barely say anything. I was ashamed of myself, and my mother she could have cared less. She held me tightly trying to reassure me everything was alright and ok, understanding how sorry I was, and realized how much my father leaving me was affecting me. My mother held me tighter, holding the half broken picture of my father and I, and looked at me even though I didn't dare want to see it.
" Kagome, I know your upset. We don't understand why he left, and if he's ever going to come back. I know your father, he'd never pull a stunt but for some reason he did. You've got realize he loves us with his heart and soul, I know he does. No matter what he has done. Kagome, I know your upset but I know for sure you don't hate your father. Your mad at him because he left, and Kagome that's understandable. Right now you should keep these pictures on the wall and let him be apart of you, instead of trying to rip him away. He's apart of you whether you like it or not. And your apart of him, always."
My hands shook when I held the picture of my father, I feel like an idiot, a fool. The glass from the frame was partly shattered while I placed it gently back on the hook and looked at my mother, who smiled brightly.
" Honey, I know it's tough. But I promise things will someday get better. I can't say the pain will disappear, but I'm saying the sad feeling will lessen. You just got to believe me. I know I'll always be here to look after you, and care for you, you just to give everything a chance again Kagome. I know one day you will, and can."
My mother beamed brightly, opening the long red curtains revealing the orangey tinted glow of the sun slowly setting on the horizon. She dug her hand into her pocket, while I sat on the bed listening to every word feeling alittle bit cheerier than usual.
" Oh here. Sango told me to give you this. Kagome you shouldn't be shutting people out. You know Sango cares about you truly inside out. You shouldn't take things out on other people when they have done nothing to you. Maybe you should call her later on tomorrow, after your soccer game. Ok?"
I softly nodded falling back in the huge fluffy pillows, with my knees slightly bent and the tears slowly fading away once more. I gingerly held the note seeing she wrote, ' Ms. Higurashi' that made me laugh alittle because in a letter I was never addressed that. My mom grasped the doorknob knowing now I needed to relax and be alone, while I beamed back at her
" Yep. Thanks mom, for everything."
Quietly, she shut the door while I could feel the breeze from the open window behind me.
I just gently ripped open the sides understanding Sango did care, and felt rude for shutting her out.
" I guess she's right. Just that, he got me so mad! I guess I didn't realize I took it out of everyone when they deserved it. Sango had stopped by so many times to cheer me up, but instead I blew her off. I'm just trying to adjust a life without a father now. Maybe someday this ache inside my heart will slowly fade. Each time I think of him now, it aches even more. I don't think he realizes the pain he gave me, that will always be there even if he comes back."
I unfolded the tiny note that had been creased and folded at least a dozen of times. She had small handwriting, it had been hard to read before but her and I wrote letters often to each other during class and when we left to go home. I guess she understood that I had blown her off so many times, that a special little note was the only thing to get through my head. She knew me all to well, that I'd read it no matter what mood I was in
Miss Kagome,
I tried stopping by your house a couple of times, but you didn't seem to answer. I understand clearly that your hurting about your father living, and I can't blame you wanting to be alone, and so angry at the world. I thought I note might explain alittle bit more. You're a very strong girl Kagome, you just got you have faith in all this. Something like this will rattle you, and you'll hurt, you'll cry, and get mad at yourself and others. You can't go on like this. You can't continue being mad at your dad, and I bet you any money you are. He loves you very much, no matter what he did. Believe me when I say this he cares about you, inside and out. I know you want to quit the soccer team, but do you really want to end your own dream as well as your father's? I know he'd be proud. Don't give up Kagome. Promise me you'll never give up on yourself, and that you'll make it through with or without him.
Love, Sango.
It didn't matter if I had read her words in a letter, or heard them myself. No matter what she always made me smile, and even let out a chuckle in the worst of days. She understood my grief of my father more than I had expected, and even in many situations like this where most friends didn't know what to say other than 'sorry' she'd write a whole paragraph and I could strongly tell her attitude in it, that she meant every word. I folded it up into a perfect square and slipped in back in the envelope and grabbed the jewelry box from underneath my bed and threw it in with all the other letters.
" Thanks Sango. No matter how I feel you always cheer me up in the worst of nights don't you? Maybe I will give myself another chance, as well as everything else in life. I hope I can, I just hope."
