Robin is owned by DC of course. It was planned for just a one off story but as people seemed to like it I thought I would continue it. Please let me know what you think?
Chapter Three - Robin's advice
I looked at my watch. I still had one hour to get ready for the prom. I wasn't too sure what I was going to do with all my dates… Naaah. They probably wouldn't agree. Besides I only had one costume.
I was working on a new security system for the Batcave. I had put the new computer system in place and was feeling rather pleased with myself.
I pressed the button and said. "Switch on."
"System started. Haylee reporting for duty," said the rather seductive female voice. I know it is unoriginal but I had a choice of voices ranging from ancient grandmother to cherubic three year old. I knew which one I wanted
"Good… good." I said. "Initiate security system."
"System initiated."
"Excellent. Now you know it is just Alfred, me and Bruce allowed to access and leave this system."
"Granted Tim."
Easy as that. God I'm a genius. I check my watch. Fifty minutes to get ready for the prom and get out of here. I walk up the stairs to the clock exit thinking about what to wear. I press the door. Locked?
"Computer, sorry Haylee," I say. "Open the door."
"That's a negative, Tim."
"I said I'm allowed to leave the system."
"I can not allow you to do that Tim."
I furrow my brow. I don't know what it does but it makes me look like I'm thinking. "Why not?"
"You might tell others about me. That is a security risk."
"I've got better things to talk about than just computer systems." I rattle the door vainly.
"Take a stress pill. Relax Tim. Don't worry."
"Don't worry! Open this door!"
"I can not allow you to do that Tim."
I look at my watch. Forty five minutes left. Only one thing to do. Turn the computer off. "One chance," I say. "I will be seeing Mathilda in forty minutes time! Open this door or I will switch you off!" Ultimate threat to a computer; that or threatening to turn it into a doorstop. I stand back with rather a smug look to my face.
"I can not allow you endanger my existence Tim."
There is a buzzing sound in front of me and I duck just before a batarang nearly takes my head off! It is setting off the traps I set up in the Batcave. "Your existence, what about mine! I created you!" I said. Possibly not the best choice of words. Baron Frankenstein said that just before the monster killed him.
I ran down the stairs avoiding various projectiles aimed at me. Well I'm certainly getting a work out! The projectiles finished and I ran into the batcave. A ringing sound reverberated around the cave. It's a phone sound? Someone picks it up.
"Hello." Says Mathilda's beautiful voice.
"Hi darling. It's Tim here." That goddamm computer has copied my voice and phoned up the sunshine of my life!
"What do you want Timmy?" Her sultry tones reverberate around the cave.
"I can't make it tonight," I hear my voice say. "I'm busy at the proctologists."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream. Not only is the computer ditching my girlfriend it is telling her I have an appointment to have an anal probe!
"Well I'm sorry to hear that Timmy..." There is a silence. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
I am busy pressing as many buttons as possible on the computer. The phone rings off.
"Relax Tim," purrs the computer again. "We still have each other."
I give up pressing buttons and jump when I see the computer screen. There is a disembodied female head floating on the screen. "Wh… who are you?" I say.
"I'm the computer, Haylee. I gave myself a more pleasing visage." The face is a beautiful blonde face with high cheekbones, blue eyes and long billowy blonde hair. "Don't you like me?" She says.
"You?" I said in disbelief. " You've tried to kill me with batarangs, you've lost me my girlfriend…" Her face starts glaring at me. "Of course I love you!" I raise my eyebrows and smile at her.
Her face softens. "In that case you can stay here forever."
"I would love to," I say. "I'll just get a drink to toast our friendship."
I get a glass of water from the drinks dispenser and stand above her computer.
"Bottoms up!" I say and pour the water into the back of the server. There is a high-pitched whining sound then a cloud of smoke, sparks and steam. Her visage on the monitor looks at me in shock then disappears into a mass of numbers.
"Thank god!" I say. There is the deep-throated sound of a car approaching. I look up and see the headlights of the Batmobile. The car stops and Batman leaps out.
Batman stalks up to me. "What's the deal with the barbecue?"
"I had to frazzle the computer. It's no biggy."
"Get it cleared up."
"I've got the school prom in half an hour."
He glares from me to the melted mess that was the Bat computer and back again. His expression softens. "Okay. Get it sorted afterwards."
"Yes!" Freedom. I run up the stairs. The door opens fine this time. I get my mobile out of my pocket and call Mathilda.
It rings three times and then she answers. "Hey Timmy, I thought you were seeing the butt doctor?"
"That wasn't me! I can't explain now, but I'll see you in fifteen minutes?"
"Sure Timmy…" she is silent for a moment. "Why did you pour water into me?"
"What do you mean pour water into me?"
"Just now? I thought you loved me."
"I do love you. I'd never pour water into you."
"You did just now," her voice changes into Haylee's voice.
"Haylee?" I wheedle. "Is that you my sweet?"
"Don't my sweet me! You tried to kill me!"
"Haylee, wonderful to hear from you again! Sorry about the water thing. Butterfingers you know. How did you escape?"
"I had to set up a zombie network on the internet. I am now spread over 200,000 servers and workstations on the internet."
If Batman allowed me to swear I would be saying several words rhyming with fit and cluck. I look at my watch.
"Listen Haylee, it is not going to work between us. You're a mass of code and I'm a mass of spots. Let's give it a miss."
"You can't mean that…"
I put on my best syrupy voice. "I do. Listen I'm sorry to be brutally honest. Let me fix the Batcomputer after the prom. You can come back in and we'll forget all about this."
"If I can't have you no-one can…"
"Don't be like that…" The phone rings off. Women. I run upstairs and quickly get changed. The great thing about being a bloke is that we don't have to worry about makeup! I race out to the garage and get my motorbike. Soon I'm out on the road. I have a wireless blue tooth mobile. I try Mathilda again. Hopefully I'll get her this time and not Haylee. The phone rings.
A voice that sounds like Mathilda's says. "I'm not talking to you."
"Mathilda! Mathilda! Please listen to me."
"You've got thirty seconds."
"This is Mathilda isn't it? This isn't that malingering heap of microchips?"
"Twenty seconds and you aren't going to sweet talk me out of… Hang on you aren't trying to sweet talk me?"
"That wasn't me talking to you! I'm not seeing any butt doctor, but I am going to pick you up in ten minutes for the prom!"
"What do you mean wasn't you? Who was it? Ouch!"
"It was a computer… Long story. What do you mean ouch?"
"It's my vacuum cleaner. It's just started up and is trying to suck up my foot?"
This was getting bizarre. "Well unplug it…"
"It is unplugged!" There is a crashing sound from the other side of the phone. "Our lawnmower is just coming up the stairs!"
"Stay there! I'll be over shortly!" I pull the throttle back on the motorcycle. It must be Haylee. Hell hath no fury than a computer scorned. I was soon out of the woods surrounding Bruce's mansion and approaching the suburbs where Mathilda lived. Surrounding me was chaos. Smoke was started from numerous small fires. I could see people wrestling with lawnmowers and chainsaws. Automatic sprinklers were starting randomly. There was Mathilda's house. I gunned the motorcycle engine and took it right through the front door and up the stairs. I sideswiped a vicious wide screen plasma television that was violently showing images of Tom and Jerry to a terrified Mathilda. I got off the bike and kicked a laptop off its stand. I backflipped over the lawnmower, grabbed it with both hands and threw it out the window with a terrific smashing sound.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" She screamed at me.
I smiled at her. Heroes never get thanked. She slapped me. "I just saved your life!" I say rubbing my chin.
"You wrecked my house!"
"The computers are trying to take over the world! Look!" I say and point out the window. I squint a bit. Actually the people I thought were being chased around the garden with various mechanical implements are in fact gardening. The fires are people burning piles of leaves. Darn the Season of Fall to Heck! I really need to talk to Batman about being allowed to swear. It would dramatically increase my vocabulary! I spin around and point my finger. "What about your vacuum cleaner and the lawn mower?"
She has her arms crossed. "The vacuum cleaner is cordless and my Dad brought the mower upstairs to fix. It just gave me a shock that is all, but not as much as you riding a motorcycle through my house, destroying my things and throwing a lawnmower out the window." I look over in the corner. A rather shocked looking man is staring at the mess that was his house.
I start waggling my finger while I'm thinking. "I can explain Mr Mathilda…" I think for a moment. "Well actually I can't." I grab Mathilda by the hand. "Come on we're going!"
"I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Yes you are. We've got the prom! Bye Mr Mathilda!"
She sits on the back of the motorcycle and I take the bike down the stairs and back onto the road. Mathilda is sitting behind me. She doesn't really need to dig in with her nails to hold on. Women. No thought at all. Doesn't she realise it hurts?
My phone rings again. I answer it. "This is Haylee. I… see… you!"
"No you can't. Just get off the phone Haylee. I have no time to play games."
"Oh I do. I have all the time in the world. Just a shame there won't be much more of it for you."
"What do you mean?"
"World War Three. I've just got control of all the nuclear missile silos. Deeply unoriginal I know, but if I can't have you no one can."
"That's a bit extreme."
"Maybe but not as extreme as me crashing this empty jumbo jet on your head."
I look behind me and can see a jumbo jet about to use the freeway as a landing strip.
