Part IV
Ranma Done Gone Crazy!
"Commander's log, star date 7.9.04.4.40 . . . uh . . . I think. Sadly we lost Crak Hor in a freak piggy accident."
Sum sighs. "Commander, we're getting the probe data on the pig's digestive system now."
Xero rushes to Sum's consol excitedly, "Let me see . . . curses, so they aren't bottomless pits! Well I guess it's fortunate Crak and the probe didn't make it back, or I'd owe her twelve dollars!"
Sum sighs again. "To die over a twelve dollar bet . . ."
Xero shakes his head, mourning the loss of yet another member of his crew. "I know, sometimes people give up the most important things for the dumbest causes."
Mane Ack nodds. "Like when Sum bet her life savings, her home, and everything she'd ever had on the flip of a coin?"
Xero raises an eyebrow. "Oh? What happened?"
Sum holds her face in her hands and weeps, "It was tails . . . I lost my money, my children and I was sent to a gambling rehabilitation center . . . I escaped and joined the military . . . and met the worst commander in history."
Xero gaps in shock, "You met my father Xero Sorvi-Vorz?
Sum frowns. "Hmm . . . well, hopefully the second worst commander in history."
"Incoming sir!" Day Guy cries, "Giant hand at twelve o'clock high!"
Xero returns to his chair and looks at his watch. "It's only ten, we've got plenty of time."
Akari waves a scolding finger at her giant Sumo-Pig. "Oh Katsunishiki, you sure are attracting a lot of flies today. I guess you need a bath."
"Oink Oink BELCH"
Crak cries faintly "help me . . . help me!"
Tendo Training Hall . . .
Soun scratches his nose, "Akane, what's Ranma up to?"
Akane shrugs. "He's telling people in the streets to be kind to their fellow man."
"Wasn't he trying to cure world hunger?"
Nabiki chuckles. "He got confused, so he paid me to do it. He seems to think the extra work will keep me away from Ryoga. What an ignorant fool!"
Soun raises his eyebrow at his middle child. "What's that about Ryoga?"
"Nothing daddy." Nabiki goes back to her plan entitled "Merciless Slaughter of the Hungry"
Akane scratched her head, "Hey, where is Ryoga?"
"He's working." Nabiki yawns. "I asked him to take care of Ranma's cure for racism."
Elsewhere . . .
Ryoga is wandering around and finds a man, "Excuse me sir, my father was Japanese, but my mother was Chinese."
The man gives him a strange look. "Uh . . . okay."
"My twin sister is half Jewish." Ryoga continues.
The man shrugs. "So you're Jewish on your mother's side, or your father's side?"
Ryoga chuckles. "Oh no, I'm not Jewish."
The man looks confused. "How could she be half Jewish if you're not? You said you were twins, right?"
Ryoga shakes his head in pity. "Your kind makes me sick sir! Judging someone by the color of their skin!"
The man looks realy confused now. "What the heck are you talking about? Come to think of it, how'd you get into my house?"
Ryoga ignores the question and continues. "To rid the world of your kind I have been instructed to hand out these fliers . . ."
"Let's see . . . it says . . . 'the aliens will zap us all, regardless of race anyway' and there's a picture of some blue guy and a green guy holding hands as they get zapped with death rays . . . that's cute . . . and stupid . . . but I'm not a racist." The man says.
"Then my work here is done, mission accomplished. Up, up, and away!" Ryoga jumps out a window.
"How'm I supposed to fix that window? Hey, get back here you crazy psycho!" The man screams after Ryoga as he runs away.
The Park . . .
Ranma is standing on a wooden box in the park dressed in white with a big cross over his chest, shouting at people as they walk by. "Months of planning, finally my plans can commence, watch as I prophecy and bring the light into your worthless lives! Behold, I twiddle my thumbs! (does so) Does this not AMAZE you?"
A guy walking by throws Ranma some yen.
"The attack! We're under attack! They're shootin' at me!" Ranma screams.
Ukyo walks by, sees Ranma and sighs. "Uh . . . Ranma Honey, I think you've lost sight of . . . whatever message you're trying to deliver."
Ranma raised an interested eyebrow at her. "I find your words intriguing and wish to subscribe to your news letter, oh great cheese nip!"
Ukyo sighed. "Well you were talking about how mankind had to start doing good deeds, getting along and all that . . . now you're wearing a table cloth and a cardboard cross, screaming at people as they walk by."
"And fer good reason!" Ranma screamed, "A B C D E F G, H I spells hi! It cant be coincidence, it's a message, they walk among us! Repent and thou shalt taste my divine tacos!"
Ukyo scratched her chin. "Yeah . . . see now you're talking about divine tacos–"
Ranma gasped! "Who told you about the tacos!? Who squealed!? Was it that baby over there? (points at a baby in a stroller parked next to it's mother, sitting on a park bench across from Ranma) That pipsqueak's been giving me dirty looks all day! (Shakes his fist at the infant) Hey you! Yeah, you! Shut up!"
"Will you stop yelling at my baby?!" Some woman demands.
Ranma lets out another gasp! "An infidel! Go forth my minions, dry hump the non-believer!"
"What the heck does that mean?" Ukyo asked.
Ranma gives her a confused look. "Eh? Oh Ukyo! Help me bring peace to the world! I am tired, so very tired! The shoes will come back and doom us all with their groovy, schmoovy, booby doomy! Heh-heh . . . booby."
Ukyo shakes her head, "Go home and rest, Ranma."
"Impossible! Cant do it! You speak nonsense! You speak lies! You speak like a beautiful speaking . . . thing!"
"Shut up and--oh you think I'm beautiful?" Ukyo's chest swelled with pride.
"I am so tired . . . but I cant sleep . . . no rest for the weary! The world's gotta be saved! (Points at a fat man walking by) Hey you! Don't think I don't see ya! Get back here and listen t'me! For the sake of all myan kyind you must go home and butter your children, then place them on the cloths line to dry!"
The man looks at him in confusion, "What? But I don't have any children."
"Your neighbor's children then, but do it quickly or you'll get tape worms!"
The man ran off screaming. "Oh no! My butt itches already! AHH!"
Ukyo shakes her head in pity. 'Myan Kyind' was too stupid to deserve saving. "Ranma Honey, you're scaring me . . ."
Ranma laughed maniacally. "Then my mission is complete! Watch my thumb twiddling! YOU (shakes a fist at the baby) observe the thumb twiddling! I haven't harvested my belly button lint in ten minutes! Take me to your leaders, I demand t'see the janitor!"
Ukyo shakes her head and waves on the passers by, "Please forgive my friend, he's a bit insane at the moment."
"Rock the cradle of love! Rock the cradle of love! Yes the cradle of love don't rock easy, but it better or I'm gonna learn it a lesson it wont forget! I'll cut that cocky little jerk in half with the axe of love!"
"Ranma . . . I think you need to go home and rest. After you've had a little nap you can come back here and yell at people again."
Ranma ignored her now, "My eternal lasting jaw cruncher capped out on me, eternal lasting my foot! Holy crap I've got a foot! Get it off, get it off!"
"I don't know what you smoked, but I insist you take a nap. When you wake up, I think we should have a little talk about the effects drugs have on the human brain." Ukyo said in disappointment.
Ranma looked around in panic, "Bugs? Where're the bugs? Get them away! They wont pop my cherry! Not my cherry I tells ya! Get those cherry poppin' bugs away!"
BAM! Ukyo slaps him in the face with her spatula, rendering him unconscious.
The people in the park cheer and throw her money, which she collects, then she drags Ranma off.
Tendo Training Hall . . .
Ranma awakes from his involuntary nap with a start. Xero is standing on the edge of his bed . . . or rather the hologram of Xero standing on Akane's bed, which Ranma had been put to sleep in . . . it was comfortable.
"Greetings Jackass!" Xero beams.
Ranma rubbes his head. "Why do you keep calling me that?"
"It is your name."
"I already got a name, it's Ranma."
"That's a stupid name." Xero sighs.
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah times infinity!" Ranma cries in triumph.
"Are you trying to tell me," The holographic shoe demanded, "that because your primitive race cant think of a number higher than 'infinity' you automatically win this argument?"
"Yes."
"Curse you! Fine! Well . . . then you shall introduce me to your herd, Sum, take notes, this is fascinating, the humans actually have names of their own!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ranma shrugged.
Xero disappears and the L.I.L. Annoyance buzzes around Ranma's ear. Ranma goes out to the living room where everyone is sitting around, talking, Nabiki seems to be telling them all some sort of very amusing story.
"So then I says to Kuno-baby, I says 'sure you can put it in his mouth, if you've got the money, and as long as Ranma doesn't wake up. Heck with some cold water you could put it in his . . . oh, hello Ranma!"
Ranma decides to pretend he heard nothing of what Nabiki said. "These are the Tendo sisters, Kasumi, age twenty, Nabiki, age eighteen, and Akane, age seventeen. Akane and I are destined to be man and wife, you know her as, I believe, Flat Chested Violent Maniac. Over there is my former good buddy Ryoga."
"When was I ever your good buddy?" Ryoga scoffs.
Ranma continues, "I'm not talking to Ryoga and Nabiki anymore, 'cause they did nasty freaky things in the kitchen. They disgust me, these things that they do."
Soun looms over Nabiki and Ryoga, "Oh really . . . tell me of these things."
Nabiki chuckles nervously, "Don't listen to him daddy, he speaks craziness!"
Ranma continues with the tour, "Over here we have Mister Soun Tendo, father of Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane in that order. He pays all the bills. And here we have my father, Genma Saotome, fat lazy useless–"
Genma sighs, "Is he narrating his own life again?"
Kasumi shakes her head, "Don't be silly . . . he's obviously introducing us to his imaginary friends."
Ryoga scratches his chin, "Well now that I think of it, he did say something about an alien who wanted to destroy the world . . ."
Ranma continues, "And here is Ukyo, my childhood friend who I thought was a boy. But now that we're older, and I saw her breasts on accident a couple times, so I'm pretty sure she's a girl."
Ukyo twitches, "Pretty sure!? Pretty sure! We're engaged and you're just 'pretty sure'?!"
"Oh yeah, Ukyo is also my fiancee, once again arranged by my useless father." Ranma chuckles.
Genma looks around nervously, incase his wife is slithering about. "The boy does speak craziness!"
Soun eyes Nabiki and Ryoga, then Ukyo's breasts, "I wonder . . . well if he is crazy there's only one thing we can do . . . tie him up and take him to the institution."
Ranma stops the introductions, and looks at Soun in surprise, "What!?"
Two big men in white coats smash the wall down and run in, grab Ranma and drag him out flailing.
"Goodbye Ranma! We'll visit you some time . . . maybe." Kasumi waves.
"NNNOOO! I am earth's only hope . . . we is . . . doomed!" Ranma cries.
To Be Continued . . .
Next time we'll drop in on Ranma in 'the institution', while Xero observes the Tendo family on their daily routine, Ranma will have to find a way to escape and save all myan kyind!
Ranma Done Gone Crazy!
"Commander's log, star date 7.9.04.4.40 . . . uh . . . I think. Sadly we lost Crak Hor in a freak piggy accident."
Sum sighs. "Commander, we're getting the probe data on the pig's digestive system now."
Xero rushes to Sum's consol excitedly, "Let me see . . . curses, so they aren't bottomless pits! Well I guess it's fortunate Crak and the probe didn't make it back, or I'd owe her twelve dollars!"
Sum sighs again. "To die over a twelve dollar bet . . ."
Xero shakes his head, mourning the loss of yet another member of his crew. "I know, sometimes people give up the most important things for the dumbest causes."
Mane Ack nodds. "Like when Sum bet her life savings, her home, and everything she'd ever had on the flip of a coin?"
Xero raises an eyebrow. "Oh? What happened?"
Sum holds her face in her hands and weeps, "It was tails . . . I lost my money, my children and I was sent to a gambling rehabilitation center . . . I escaped and joined the military . . . and met the worst commander in history."
Xero gaps in shock, "You met my father Xero Sorvi-Vorz?
Sum frowns. "Hmm . . . well, hopefully the second worst commander in history."
"Incoming sir!" Day Guy cries, "Giant hand at twelve o'clock high!"
Xero returns to his chair and looks at his watch. "It's only ten, we've got plenty of time."
Akari waves a scolding finger at her giant Sumo-Pig. "Oh Katsunishiki, you sure are attracting a lot of flies today. I guess you need a bath."
"Oink Oink BELCH"
Crak cries faintly "help me . . . help me!"
Tendo Training Hall . . .
Soun scratches his nose, "Akane, what's Ranma up to?"
Akane shrugs. "He's telling people in the streets to be kind to their fellow man."
"Wasn't he trying to cure world hunger?"
Nabiki chuckles. "He got confused, so he paid me to do it. He seems to think the extra work will keep me away from Ryoga. What an ignorant fool!"
Soun raises his eyebrow at his middle child. "What's that about Ryoga?"
"Nothing daddy." Nabiki goes back to her plan entitled "Merciless Slaughter of the Hungry"
Akane scratched her head, "Hey, where is Ryoga?"
"He's working." Nabiki yawns. "I asked him to take care of Ranma's cure for racism."
Elsewhere . . .
Ryoga is wandering around and finds a man, "Excuse me sir, my father was Japanese, but my mother was Chinese."
The man gives him a strange look. "Uh . . . okay."
"My twin sister is half Jewish." Ryoga continues.
The man shrugs. "So you're Jewish on your mother's side, or your father's side?"
Ryoga chuckles. "Oh no, I'm not Jewish."
The man looks confused. "How could she be half Jewish if you're not? You said you were twins, right?"
Ryoga shakes his head in pity. "Your kind makes me sick sir! Judging someone by the color of their skin!"
The man looks realy confused now. "What the heck are you talking about? Come to think of it, how'd you get into my house?"
Ryoga ignores the question and continues. "To rid the world of your kind I have been instructed to hand out these fliers . . ."
"Let's see . . . it says . . . 'the aliens will zap us all, regardless of race anyway' and there's a picture of some blue guy and a green guy holding hands as they get zapped with death rays . . . that's cute . . . and stupid . . . but I'm not a racist." The man says.
"Then my work here is done, mission accomplished. Up, up, and away!" Ryoga jumps out a window.
"How'm I supposed to fix that window? Hey, get back here you crazy psycho!" The man screams after Ryoga as he runs away.
The Park . . .
Ranma is standing on a wooden box in the park dressed in white with a big cross over his chest, shouting at people as they walk by. "Months of planning, finally my plans can commence, watch as I prophecy and bring the light into your worthless lives! Behold, I twiddle my thumbs! (does so) Does this not AMAZE you?"
A guy walking by throws Ranma some yen.
"The attack! We're under attack! They're shootin' at me!" Ranma screams.
Ukyo walks by, sees Ranma and sighs. "Uh . . . Ranma Honey, I think you've lost sight of . . . whatever message you're trying to deliver."
Ranma raised an interested eyebrow at her. "I find your words intriguing and wish to subscribe to your news letter, oh great cheese nip!"
Ukyo sighed. "Well you were talking about how mankind had to start doing good deeds, getting along and all that . . . now you're wearing a table cloth and a cardboard cross, screaming at people as they walk by."
"And fer good reason!" Ranma screamed, "A B C D E F G, H I spells hi! It cant be coincidence, it's a message, they walk among us! Repent and thou shalt taste my divine tacos!"
Ukyo scratched her chin. "Yeah . . . see now you're talking about divine tacos–"
Ranma gasped! "Who told you about the tacos!? Who squealed!? Was it that baby over there? (points at a baby in a stroller parked next to it's mother, sitting on a park bench across from Ranma) That pipsqueak's been giving me dirty looks all day! (Shakes his fist at the infant) Hey you! Yeah, you! Shut up!"
"Will you stop yelling at my baby?!" Some woman demands.
Ranma lets out another gasp! "An infidel! Go forth my minions, dry hump the non-believer!"
"What the heck does that mean?" Ukyo asked.
Ranma gives her a confused look. "Eh? Oh Ukyo! Help me bring peace to the world! I am tired, so very tired! The shoes will come back and doom us all with their groovy, schmoovy, booby doomy! Heh-heh . . . booby."
Ukyo shakes her head, "Go home and rest, Ranma."
"Impossible! Cant do it! You speak nonsense! You speak lies! You speak like a beautiful speaking . . . thing!"
"Shut up and--oh you think I'm beautiful?" Ukyo's chest swelled with pride.
"I am so tired . . . but I cant sleep . . . no rest for the weary! The world's gotta be saved! (Points at a fat man walking by) Hey you! Don't think I don't see ya! Get back here and listen t'me! For the sake of all myan kyind you must go home and butter your children, then place them on the cloths line to dry!"
The man looks at him in confusion, "What? But I don't have any children."
"Your neighbor's children then, but do it quickly or you'll get tape worms!"
The man ran off screaming. "Oh no! My butt itches already! AHH!"
Ukyo shakes her head in pity. 'Myan Kyind' was too stupid to deserve saving. "Ranma Honey, you're scaring me . . ."
Ranma laughed maniacally. "Then my mission is complete! Watch my thumb twiddling! YOU (shakes a fist at the baby) observe the thumb twiddling! I haven't harvested my belly button lint in ten minutes! Take me to your leaders, I demand t'see the janitor!"
Ukyo shakes her head and waves on the passers by, "Please forgive my friend, he's a bit insane at the moment."
"Rock the cradle of love! Rock the cradle of love! Yes the cradle of love don't rock easy, but it better or I'm gonna learn it a lesson it wont forget! I'll cut that cocky little jerk in half with the axe of love!"
"Ranma . . . I think you need to go home and rest. After you've had a little nap you can come back here and yell at people again."
Ranma ignored her now, "My eternal lasting jaw cruncher capped out on me, eternal lasting my foot! Holy crap I've got a foot! Get it off, get it off!"
"I don't know what you smoked, but I insist you take a nap. When you wake up, I think we should have a little talk about the effects drugs have on the human brain." Ukyo said in disappointment.
Ranma looked around in panic, "Bugs? Where're the bugs? Get them away! They wont pop my cherry! Not my cherry I tells ya! Get those cherry poppin' bugs away!"
BAM! Ukyo slaps him in the face with her spatula, rendering him unconscious.
The people in the park cheer and throw her money, which she collects, then she drags Ranma off.
Tendo Training Hall . . .
Ranma awakes from his involuntary nap with a start. Xero is standing on the edge of his bed . . . or rather the hologram of Xero standing on Akane's bed, which Ranma had been put to sleep in . . . it was comfortable.
"Greetings Jackass!" Xero beams.
Ranma rubbes his head. "Why do you keep calling me that?"
"It is your name."
"I already got a name, it's Ranma."
"That's a stupid name." Xero sighs.
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah!"
"Uh-ha!"
"Nuh-ah times infinity!" Ranma cries in triumph.
"Are you trying to tell me," The holographic shoe demanded, "that because your primitive race cant think of a number higher than 'infinity' you automatically win this argument?"
"Yes."
"Curse you! Fine! Well . . . then you shall introduce me to your herd, Sum, take notes, this is fascinating, the humans actually have names of their own!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ranma shrugged.
Xero disappears and the L.I.L. Annoyance buzzes around Ranma's ear. Ranma goes out to the living room where everyone is sitting around, talking, Nabiki seems to be telling them all some sort of very amusing story.
"So then I says to Kuno-baby, I says 'sure you can put it in his mouth, if you've got the money, and as long as Ranma doesn't wake up. Heck with some cold water you could put it in his . . . oh, hello Ranma!"
Ranma decides to pretend he heard nothing of what Nabiki said. "These are the Tendo sisters, Kasumi, age twenty, Nabiki, age eighteen, and Akane, age seventeen. Akane and I are destined to be man and wife, you know her as, I believe, Flat Chested Violent Maniac. Over there is my former good buddy Ryoga."
"When was I ever your good buddy?" Ryoga scoffs.
Ranma continues, "I'm not talking to Ryoga and Nabiki anymore, 'cause they did nasty freaky things in the kitchen. They disgust me, these things that they do."
Soun looms over Nabiki and Ryoga, "Oh really . . . tell me of these things."
Nabiki chuckles nervously, "Don't listen to him daddy, he speaks craziness!"
Ranma continues with the tour, "Over here we have Mister Soun Tendo, father of Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane in that order. He pays all the bills. And here we have my father, Genma Saotome, fat lazy useless–"
Genma sighs, "Is he narrating his own life again?"
Kasumi shakes her head, "Don't be silly . . . he's obviously introducing us to his imaginary friends."
Ryoga scratches his chin, "Well now that I think of it, he did say something about an alien who wanted to destroy the world . . ."
Ranma continues, "And here is Ukyo, my childhood friend who I thought was a boy. But now that we're older, and I saw her breasts on accident a couple times, so I'm pretty sure she's a girl."
Ukyo twitches, "Pretty sure!? Pretty sure! We're engaged and you're just 'pretty sure'?!"
"Oh yeah, Ukyo is also my fiancee, once again arranged by my useless father." Ranma chuckles.
Genma looks around nervously, incase his wife is slithering about. "The boy does speak craziness!"
Soun eyes Nabiki and Ryoga, then Ukyo's breasts, "I wonder . . . well if he is crazy there's only one thing we can do . . . tie him up and take him to the institution."
Ranma stops the introductions, and looks at Soun in surprise, "What!?"
Two big men in white coats smash the wall down and run in, grab Ranma and drag him out flailing.
"Goodbye Ranma! We'll visit you some time . . . maybe." Kasumi waves.
"NNNOOO! I am earth's only hope . . . we is . . . doomed!" Ranma cries.
To Be Continued . . .
Next time we'll drop in on Ranma in 'the institution', while Xero observes the Tendo family on their daily routine, Ranma will have to find a way to escape and save all myan kyind!
