"Ok, but come back once she's gone?"
She smiled, "Oh yes, definitely!"
In the kitchen Dawn was struggling to hold back a smile while Willow stared into her coffee cup. Buffy hurried around getting a lunch together for Dawn and then seeing her out the front door. Dawn gave her a quick hug on her way out and said, "I think it's cool Spike stayed last night. See ya later." Blushing bright red Buffy returned slowly to the kitchen to find Willow watching her.
Willow cleared her throat hesitantly before asking, "Buffy, normally I wouldn't even ask, but are you sure this is such a good idea? You haven't had good luck in the past with a vampire lover, and and Spike has tried to kill you..us.. before, and, well, I worry about you."
"Uh, how..."
"You two could have woken the dead last night. Although, I guess you did in a way..."
Buffy gave a strangled gasp and turned even more red. "Yeah," she gave a bit of a nervous laugh. "I guess you could say that." She turned serious as she answered, "I know. It's weird. He should have been able to kill us. There were certainly times it would have been easy. You and Xander in the factory, me a number of times on patrol. I don't know why he didn't, but he didn't. And you know I haven't had very good luck with regular guys either. There was Parker, then Riley..."
"But Riley loved you, and you loved him, didn't you?"
"Yeah, at least I thought I did," she replied with a sigh. "You know what's hard sometimes? Having to worry about breaking them. I don't just mean the whole male ego thing, that's hard enough, but with Slayer strength I can also break bones and such." Buffy rose and paced around the kitchen. The predator clawed its way forward and growled, startling Willow. "I can't do it Will, I can't always be sure I'll hold back with a normal. With Spike I can go all out, give as good as I get. I don't have to play weak for his ego; don't have to watch myself in any kind of physical way. And for some odd reason I think he really does love me, even without a soul. You know, sometimes I think that's a plus. He won't suddenly lose his soul if he's happy and turn into something I have to kill. I'm sure something could change him, time maybe, or maybe psycho Drusilla, but he stands to be more constant than any other love in my life."
"Buffy, it's just...well, Spike's a killer and all..."
She swung around and asked in a quiet silky voice, "And what am I Will?"
"You, you're the Slayer, that's different. You k...slay nasty, bad things." she replied in her breathy Willow voice.
"Ya think? Sure, it's just demons, but at the end of the day I'm still a killer. A contract killer besides, at least I would be if the bloody council paid me." Willow looked up as Buffy realized she'd used a Spike term. "I know Will, you're just worried, but I can't expect normal. According to the books I've lived longer than most of the other Slayers already." She gave a half laugh, "Although dying two times might make it not count." After a pause she continued as it all sloshed around in her brain, "Riley, Riley was sweet, probably the sweetest guy I've ever met next to Xander. He'd be a great boyfriend, kind, thoughtful, caring. If I were looking at a long life he'd be a great person to spend it with. I don't think that's an option though."
"Buffy, you've beat the odds before, you can keep doing it..."
"Yeah, maybe... I can just see it though, we get married, settle down, and I get pregnant. That'd make slaying hard. Even suppose that I got through it without getting killed then what? I can see Riley one night woken up by a pounding on the door with one of you having to say, 'Sorry mate'", Buffy blushed as Willow started at another Spike-ism, "'Sorry Riley, Buffy died tonight on patrol'. That'd be just great wouldn't it? Riley and our child Buffy-less." Tears leaked down her face as she finally accepted that her dream of a normal life was gone. "Spike isn't nearly as nice or sweet, but he is thoughtful, funny and passionate. He loves, fights, thinks, and feels with his entire self. He's always in the moment and that's what I need. I won't have as many moments as most people, I want the few I have to be filled full."
"But if he ever gets the chip out? What then?"
"It won't matter," She replied with absolute finality.
"You can't know that."
"I do." Taking a deep breath she continued, "The chip doesn't work between us anymore. He could have killed me by now if he was going to. He hasn't."
"How..how did you... Buffy, I don't understand...why didn't you tell us? Tell me?"
The predator popped up and grinned before she could stop it. "Will, we..shag, we fight, we hit, punch, kick, bite, and we love. It's not always sweet and tender. Sometimes the dance is rough." Shock settled over Willow's features. Buffy fought a dark urge to poke at her some more and replied, "I didn't want to worry you. I know Xander thinks we should kill Spike, the rest of you think the same most days. I won't let that happen and telling you about the chip would have given you even more reason." Buffy continued to pace. As she turned Willow saw the fresh marks on her neck.
"Buffy," fear dripped from Willow's voice. "What...what's on your neck?"
Buffy smiled as she reached up and touched the fresh bite. The smile turned feral as she replied, "What does it look like?"
"Buffy, why?"
"Intensity, eroticism, fun..." She sat abruptly as the two sides of her spirit fought. "Oh gods, so much in my head," she whimpered. Willow watched in horror as Buffy's head twitched from side to side. She could almost see the energy crackling around her friend as some type of struggle raged inside. "She is so much the predator. I'm so much the, I don't know, so much the wimp I guess." Haunted eyes looked up at Willow. "She's me, I'm her but we aren't settled yet. She is the animal. She fights to kill the demons yet she is drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Spike, oh gods Will, I thought it was bad before the merge, but now..."
"Buffy, what are you talking about? I...I don't understand you right now."
With a growl Buffy shot to her feet, "That wanker Travers was going to chip me. Chip ME! The Slayer." Willow backed into a corner of the kitchen as Buffy stalked cat-like around the room. If she had a tail it would have been vibrating in annoyance. With an enormous effort she spoke quietly. "He drugged me and was going to chip me. I escaped with the help of the First Slayer. Now she and I are one, but not one. Will, she hunts demons, she loves demons. She thrives on the danger of the hunt, the danger of the love, even more than I do."
"What have, what have you done?" Willow whispered in a horrified voice.
"We merged Will. The First One and I. We're the lover that kills. And Spike is the perfect compliment, the demon that loves. I need that intensity," she said with triumph. "I need that intensity," she whispered brokenly. "He's one thing we agree on. We both love and crave him." The thought of Spike calmed them both enough that Buffy could return to a chair. Calmly she spoke once more, "We are becoming one, Will. It is glorious and terrifying but I finally understand what it is to be the slayer. Giles is coming and we'll figure this out. I'd like to talk more tonight and explain what happened in London. Do you think you could call Xander later and have him come over? I really need some more sleep."
"Is he still up there?" Buffy's delighted smile answered before she even had to speak. "I'll call Xander and we can meet here? You tell him about Spike, though."
