Dedication: To Sara-chan, who listens to my nightmares and is constant to spur me on to embrace my dreams. And for Misty, ruler of Antarctica and Mistress of all penguins.

"I am confused, fighting myself/
Wanting to give in, needing your help/
……… /
Can you see it in me, skin cold from touch/
Each turn confronted with what I have done/
You pull me closer, I push you away/
You tell me it's okay, I can't help but feel the pain."/

-"Need To" (Korn)

Without a Trace

He looked to his right. There she was, crumpled against the wall trying to recapture the hours of sleep she had surrendered for his sake. His ebon haired angel, watching over him, healing him. He smiled, Kaoru looked so peaceful when she slept. It was when she woke up that she was dangerous. Even then she was irresistible to him, so fiery and fierce in her all-to-common rages. But he would not allow himself her. He was the wanderer, the killer, and she was the quintessence of perfection, innocence.

Such things should not be mixed, he reminded himself.

They had only returned to the dojo about a day ago, with Megumi's permission and some painkillers. Kenshin had the feeling that they were telling him to sleep far more than it was necessary, whether to avoid him or to keep him from guilt. He was feeling much better than before, certainly, almost back to normal.

He brushed the sweaty bangs from his eyes. They'd been overdoing the blankets, as well. He hated the way they all ran like mad for his comfort. Once he'd regained all normal function, he could get back to those meaningless chores that he actually had come to love—and to miss, but not here………

He could barely see his own writing in the darkness, but it turned out legible, as it seemed. He laid it lightly on the table next to her sleeping form, as if he feared the parchment should break if he let it down any harder. It was possibly his last will and testament. He slid open the shoji, looking finally over his shoulder at her. He couldn't leave her with only a note. His haori slid off, and he placed it over her as gently as he could without waking her.

He almost willed her to awaken, beg him not to go, to take her with him, but he knew that he could not refuse such and she would be in danger. It was something that he had to do alone.

"Domo arigatou gozaimasu, Kaoru-dono."

And the form slipped past her into the night.

………

The musky smell danced into her nostrils, the morning light was like a crowbar, pulling her eyes open to embrace the day.

"Damn sun………" She mumbled, rolling over under the sweet smelling cover. Like soap and sakura and cooking……… but the coppery smell of blood tinged its edges. She inhaled again, identifying the smell to be Kenshin's. She sat up, blinking the sun from her tired eyes.

Sapphire eyes turned to nothing. An empty pallet lay where Kenshin once was. She glared at it. Who gave him permission to get up? Kaoru rose quickly, nearly running headlong into the small table by her side. She didn't notice the tiny slip of paper that fluttered unceremoniously to the ground. Donning her yukata, Kaoru raced off in search of him.

"Kenshin!"

"Haven't seen him all morning, Jou-chan."

"What's goin' on?"

Yahiko's head flew out of the door, bokken tossed carelessly over his shoulder.

A thousand thoughts ran through Kaoru's mind, the most prevalent of which was cursing the rurouni if he'd even been thinking of leaving her.

She returned to the room after a while to find the paper under a thrown blanket.

She read the note quickly. A single tear made its way down her face from sapphire blue eyes.

He'd left her again. The only flicker of a candle in her dark world, extinguished. A single rose ripped from the otherwise barren bushes in her heart. It was over. He didn't say he was coming back. She let her tear roll down her cheek, leaving its silvery trail on her face. He wasn't there to wipe it away now………

"Kami-sama, keep him safe." She prayed with words that slipped quickly off her tongue, rising like incense to any god who could hear her prayer and bring him back to her.

She shook herself mentally. No, she had to keep her composure, if only for the sake of the others. She wouldn't fall apart again. Grasping the letter in her hands, she turned to the shoji, sliding open and closed behind her slowly.

Sano stood outside with Yahiko, scouring the ground for clues.

"I found this………" She said in a breaking voice, passing the note off to Sano.

"What?" Yahiko demanded, jumping to get a look at the note.

Sanosuke read it over with a growl. "Stupid……… selfish……… crazy………"

His face softened as he looked over at Kaoru, who was struggling to remain under perfect control, clutching her wrist so hard that her knuckles were turning white and her hand was turning purple.

"Well, Jou-chan, I think we should go get him."

Yahiko had figured out what the note read and was nodding vehemently in agreement.

She smiled slightly, the tears threatening to spill. "But do we know where he went?"

"There're only so many places in the world." Sano chuckled.

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