AN: A mini-glossary of roughly translated English equivalents of Japanese:
hai – yes
maa – well
ne – 'hey' or 'right' depending on context
sumimasen – I'm sorry / excuse me
iie – no
ano – sound of hesitation like saying 'well' or 'um'
arigatou gozaimasu – thank you very much
baka – idiot
gomen – sorry
oyasumi / oyasumi nasai – good night
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CHAPTER 4: Beginning the Chase
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"Be careful driving back," Tohru said.
They were standing by the door, seeing the doctor off as he departed, and though her expression as she looked at the doctor was sweetly concerned, inside she was feeling much more worried than she let on. After she'd returned to the table with tea and dessert, she had the impression that something significant had happened while she'd been gone though she was at a loss to say exactly what it was. But there was an odd tension in the air and, though she couldn't say why, she had the horrible feeling that it might have to do with her even though she didn't really think she'd done anything out of the ordinary lately. Perhaps it was her overactive imagination working overtime again but she didn't really believe so and it was only making her more worried. She had no solid proof, however, so it wasn't as if she could broach the subject since she didn't even know what the issue at hand was.
"I will," Hatori said. He looked down at her from his taller height, feeling almost regretful for the difficult times ahead that she'd most likely be put through in the wake of Shigure's new resolve. His expression softened. "You take good care of yourself, too."
She blinked, a little surprised, then smiled warmly. "Hai."
Hatori bit back amusement when he saw Shigure shift closer to Tohru, just behind her so she couldn't see the almost warning look on his face that he aimed at the doctor. After their conversation earlier, Shigure had become just as territorial as any dog and was making it clear in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't brook any poaching, not on this, friend or not.
Part of the possessiveness, Hatori was sure, stemmed from insecurity at the uncertainty of the situation and he hoped that things would settle down once everything was finally resolved one way or the other. But, until then, Hatori would enjoy seeing how his normally calm under pressure friend would deal with the same emotional turmoil that he himself had gone through before. Watching Shigure edge a little closer to Tohru, Hatori was positive that it would be entertaining.
"Ha-san, come back again soon." It was obvious he didn't really mean it as Shigure waved good-bye in what looked almost like a shooing manner. "Bye- bye."
Hatori took that as his cue. "Well, then," he said. "I'll be going. See you later."
"Ah," Shigure sighed once Hatori had left. "Alone at last." He turned to her. "Tohru-kun, do you have some time? There's something I want to say to you."
Concerned at the serious expression on his face, she bit her lip. "Hai, what is it?"
"Maa." He tilted his head. "It's not the kind of thing we should discuss in the hallway. We should go back and have a seat, ne?"
With that, he turned, walking back to the living area as she trailed after him, wondering what was going on.
To her, Shigure seemed to have an unusually somber air about him and it made her nervous. She'd been right earlier in thinking something had happened and that, apparently, it had something to do with her. Her heart clenched in fear that she had done something wrong unintentionally to make the normally light-hearted writer act this way, knowing it had to be something big for such a drastic change. After all, Shigure hardly ever asked to speak with her alone. That thought weighed heavily on her as she sat at the table, fidgeting nervously as she apprehensively wondered just what this conversation would hold, mind racing with the possible reasons behind it.
"Shigure-san?" she asked hesitantly. "What did you want to say to me?"
"Tohru-kun." Something flickered across his face that, if she didn't know better, she'd call it nervousness but it was gone too quickly for her to be sure. Suddenly, he let out a sigh and leaned back, giving her a lopsided smile. "It's wonderful, ne? Without so many people around, it's much quieter and pleasant, don't you think?"
"Hai," she replied uncertainly.
She was almost sure that wasn't what he'd been intending to say. Looking at him, she felt positive that whatever it was definitely had something to do with her and it didn't seem very good. Of course, if it involved her in a bad way, it was obvious that he'd have difficulty telling her being the kind person that Shigure was. Whatever it was couldn't be good and, no doubt, Shigure was hesitating because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Suddenly she straightened, eyes widening in horror as the meaning of his words sunk in and she realized what it was that he was probably trying to say.
"Sumimasen!" Tohru cried, bowing deeply in apology. "I'll move out right away!"
"Eh?!" Shigure let out a surprised cry of his own, eyes wide with surprise. "What did you say?"
"Sumimasen," she repeated miserably, head bowed. "Shigure-san should have said something sooner. Iie," she said, shaking her head, "I should have realized it myself."
"Eh?" Shigure's face was blank. "Tohru-kun, what are you talking about?"
"I'm being such a burden." Her shoulders slumped. "After living so many years with a bunch of teenagers, Shigure-san must have been looking forward to having the house back to himself." Her expression saddened. "But even after all of us graduated, only Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun moved out and here I am, still taking advantage of Shigure-san's kindness when he was wants to be alone."
"Ano, Tohru-kun." So that was what this was about? He scratched his head. "It's really not like that."
"Iie. Shigure-san's just too nice and probably has a difficult time telling me he doesn't want me here." She shook her head. "I was so silly not to realize until now. No wonder Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun seemed so worried about me staying here when they left."
"Maa." A strange expression flitted across his face. "I'm pretty sure that had to do with something else."
But Tohru looked doubtful. "I really should stop imposing myself now that I can work full-time. I can make enough to support myself and get a place of my own." Her eyes teared at the thought of leaving but she didn't want to cause trouble by staying. "After all Shigure-san and the other Soumas have done for me, I shouldn't take advantage anymore."
"Ano, Tohru-kun," Shigure tried to interrupt.
Only Tohru continued on as if she hadn't heard. "That's right! I can start looking for an apartment tomorrow. Maybe Uo-chan and Hana-chan will know someplace."
"Tohru-kun-"
"But wherever it is will be okay, I'm sure," she continued, distress written on her features as her words seemed to pick up speed. "I just don't want to be any more of a bother than I already have been so I'll pick the first place that looks good. Then, if Shigure-san doesn't mind waiting just a little, pretty soon I'll be gone-"
"Tohru-kun!"
She bit back a startled gasp at the sharp exclamation, staring with wide eyes back into Shigure's features that, for a moment, seemed almost dark and furious. But with a blink, the lines of his face smoothed into a calm but serious expression and she wondered if she'd just imagined it. However, she thought no more of it as Shigure's attention seemed to focus on her intensely, imparting the importance of what he was saying with his next words as they vibrated with some undercurrent of emotion that she wasn't familiar with.
"Tohru-kun." His voice was softer this time. "I don't want you to leave."
Her heart stuttered oddly as she blushed. "Really?"
"Hai." A little smile crooked the corners of his mouth. "Really."
"Then," she looked up at him earnestly, "Shigure-san doesn't think I'm a burden?" She bit her lip nervously. "I really don't want to take advantage of Shigure-san's kindness and staying if I'm not needed."
"Tohru-kun." There was an odd expression on his face she couldn't make out. "I can honestly say that you're not taking advantage of anyone by staying here." Suddenly he brightened with his usual light-heartedness. "Since I don't cook and am absolutely terrible at cleaning things, I really don't know what I'd do if Tohru-kun were to suddenly leave. Why, I'd probably starve to death!" He looked at her mournfully. "Tohru-kun wouldn't leave me alone like that, would she?"
"Of course not!" she exclaimed immediately. Then she glanced at him hesitantly. "So it's okay for me to stay?"
"Oh, definitely." He nodded emphatically then smiled. "I never thought of you leaving in the first place."
"Ah." She blushed, looking chastened. "Sumimasen. I jumped to conclusions again and got too worked up."
"Don't worry about it." He waved a dismissing hand.
She relaxed finally but then puzzlement crossed her features. "But if that's not what Shigure-san wanted to say to me, then what else was it?"
Shigure froze. "Ah. Maa." His gaze flickered around the room briefly before settling on hers in a serious manner. "Tohru-kun."
"Hai?" Her look was expectant, though a bit hesitant.
"Tohru-kun." He face was intent. "Good luck on your interview tomorrow." He broke into a cheery smile. "I think you'll get the position but, just in case I don't get up early enough tomorrow to tell you before you leave, I wanted to say it now."
Her expression cleared. "Arigatou gozaimasu." She smiled at him. "I'll do my best."
"Hai. I'm sure you will."
"Then if that's all," she cocked her head questioningly, "I still have some dishes I need to clean."
"Of course," he said. "Go right ahead. I've got some things to take care of, too."
He waited until she was gone before dropping his smiling mask and heaved a tired, frustrated sigh, wondering how he'd gone so wrong and in such a short amount of time, too.
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Hours later, as he tossed and turned fruitlessly in his failed efforts to get some sleep, he still couldn't come up with an answer. So much for his brilliant mastermind which had yielded nothing so far –
Except to make him feel even worse than he had before!
His first plan of attack to get it over with and confess straightforwardly in a manner that she couldn't possibly misunderstand had been a dismal failure. He'd dilly-dallied so long that she'd jumped to that erroneous conclusion that he'd wanted her to leave.
He shuddered remembering his shock at her announcement that she was leaving and the unusual feelings of fear and horror that had swamped him until he realized why she'd said it. Then, there had been an acute sense of relief that was almost as alien as the rest of the emotions he'd felt. He'd been so unsettled and sidetracked from his original intent that he'd been thrown once again when she'd brought up the issue again of what it was he wanted to talk to her about. He snorted in disgust at how he'd chickened out and switched to wishing her luck on her interview.
He'd never realized that confessing emotions could be so difficult.
Much as he hated to admit it, he was beginning to understand a little better why Yuki and Kyou seemed to have left without saying anything. He'd already had second thoughts about the hasty plan that he'd tossed together on the spot after talking to Hatori. He thought it would be so simple after coming to grips with what he felt that he could deal with it quickly by telling her and getting it over with. But, though he was certain of his appeal and that her kind-hearted nature would work to his advantage, uneasiness still gripped him over the fear that she would refuse or, worse yet, be disgusted.
Oh, he knew she would never say anything outright but there was that niggling bit of doubt within him that wondered how she could not be disgusted with him if she knew what he was really like.
Just like he was disgusted.
More worries had crowded his mind and continued to plague him, making him rethink his pursuit. After all, what right did he have to her? She'd been so worried about being the one taking advantage when it was the opposite way around with him, horrible person that he was, benefiting from this arrangement that he had skillfully manipulated her into without her awareness. It just showed how undeserving he was of her.
Even Hatori had admitted that he wasn't good for her.
And that was the truth.
Shigure knew he was a conniving, lying, selfish bastard and he felt the taint even more now that he was contemplating the pursuit of someone so utterly opposite and pure. For thinking of pursuing and sullying such goodness, he was surely the lowest of the low. He really should give her up, let her find her happiness with someone who deserved her, even if it was one of the other Soumas.
But he was selfish and didn't want to.
Shigure scowled into the darkness, hating this internal conflict he wasn't used to but was, unfortunately, becoming all too familiar with lately. It was twisting him around, making him feel so unlike himself. The way he worried about her, placing her above his own self at times, was just so discomfiting. Especially when it was apparently something he was even doing unconsciously such as that thing Hatori had revealed about the smoking, something that Shigure had never realized he'd been doing.
And to think he'd always prided himself for being aware of all things pertaining to him only to have someone else realize something about him that he hadn't even known!
Hatori had mentioned other things as well, which had him anxious about just how much he'd changed that he wasn't aware of. He shook his head at the way things were turning out. Doing so many respectable things, thinking of backing off from something he wanted because it was probably the right thing to do. He was turning into something he thought he'd never be, someone responsible, one of those people who constantly worried about little things that didn't even benefit themselves.
He was turning into Hatori!
At that terrifying thought, Shigure shuddered and got out of bed. He was wide-awake, far from sleep, and only becoming more and more confused to the point where he wasn't sure of whom he was anymore. It was horrible feeling this way and he needed someone to talk it over with who could shed some light on the subject so that he didn't feel this way anymore.
And he knew just the person who could help.
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"Hello?"
At the sound of the groggy voice, Shigure smiled into the telephone. "Ha- san! It's me!"
"Shigure?" He sounded more alert, and also annoyed. "It's three in the morning. You'd better have a good reason for calling me."
"Ah," Shigure laughed. "I don't really know if it's a good one."
Click.
Shigure shook his head and redialed. Once he heard the sound signaling that the other end had been picked up, he whined, "Ha-san!"
Click.
Determined, and having a bit of fun now, Shigure dialed again. "You know," Shigure said when Hatori had picked up again, "I'm only going to keep doing this until you listen to me."
There was a heavy sigh on the other end before he heard Hatori ask, "So what is it?"
"Ha-san should take me more seriously," Shigure pouted playfully. "Hanging up like that so suddenly, what if it had been an emergency?"
"If it were," Hatori said plainly, "then you wouldn't have sounded so cheerful."
"Maa, I suppose that's true."
"So, why the early morning wake-up call?"
Shigure paused. Now that he had someone to talk to, he didn't know quite where to begin.
"Shigure?" There was a touch of concern now in Hatori's voice.
"Ne, Ha-san." Shigure's tone was completely serious now. "Don't you think it would be better if I just gave up on this?"
"This?" Hatori asked softly. "You mean Honda-kun?"
"Ha-san," Shigure said glumly, "you know what I'm like. I don't deserve her."
"Speaking from personal experience, it's usual for men in love to feel that way. Whatever you may think, it's my opinion that you're off to a good start in that alone." There was brief pause. "But what brought on this bout of doubt? You seemed pretty determined when I left."
Grimacing, Shigure told him what had happened. Despite his painful embarrassment, he forged onwards, hoping his friend would be able to impart some words of wisdom on the subject that he was having such difficulty with.
Instead, what he got was a soft chuckle in his ear.
"I would have enjoyed seeing that." There was definitely amusement lacing his tone.
"Ha-san!" Shigure was irritated. "It's not a laughing matter."
"But it is. It really must be love if it's addling your wits so much that you come up with that as your first plan of attack. And to fail in following it through, too." Hatori chuckled again. "Definitely not what I expected of you."
"Why not?" he asked crossly.
"You're usually more subtle when it comes to these types of things."
"Do you really think Tohru-kun is the kind of person to pick up subtle nuances?"
"Maa, sometimes." He sighed. "But probably not in this situation though. Look at how long she's gone without realizing the boys' feelings. And when they spent all that time together, too."
"See?" Shigure commented, a bit irritated with the mention of Yuki and Kyou again. "It was a good plan."
"Hai, in theory." Hatori's tone was dry. "But if it really was a good plan then it would have been successful, ne?"
To that, Shigure had no comeback.
"Shigure, I never thought I'd be the one to say this to you but," he chuckled a little, "don't push yourself."
"You think I'm trying too hard?"
"Hai. Going for such a direct approach is completely unlike you. It seems almost as if you're forcing yourself to be the absolute opposite of the boys and how they waffled around on this."
"Not so opposite, it seems," Shigure said wryly. "After all, I wasn't able to come clean with her either."
"Did you really expect to? Now that you've had more time to think about it, do you think you'd attempt the same thing again?"
"Iie." Shigure shook his head. "I suppose not."
"You rushed yourself, didn't give yourself enough time to settle with everything our conversation brought up. Shigure," Hatori's voice was solemn, "go at your own pace. You don't have to be Yuki or Kyou, you don't have to be their opposite. Just be yourself."
"Myself?" He gave a short bark of laughter, a harsh sound. "Ha-san, do you think that's such a good idea?" His face grew dark. "If she knew what I was truly like, do you really think she'd stay?"
"And that's the heart of the matter, isn't it? You're worried that she won't like you when she sees those bits of you that you keep concealed from people."
"Ha-san, you don't understand." Shigure was frustrated. "Even you don't know everything about what I'm really like."
"Maybe not." Hatori's voice was calm. "But I have a better idea than you give me credit for. But, that aside," he paused, "do you think you'll be satisfied if she comes to you without knowing what you're really like?"
Shigure thought about it, honestly thought about it then shook his head. "Iie."
"I didn't think so." Hatori's voice softened. "Don't over think it so much. It's understandable to be uneasy over showing the one you care about your faults, natural to want someone to see only the good about you. But I also think that Honda-kun is more intuitive than you give her credit for and may know more about you than you realize, whether she herself is conscious of it or not."
"What do you mean?"
"It's only a feeling I have, nothing certain. But you might not have to worry about hiding or revealing those aspects of yourself that bother you as much as you think."
"How very vague." Humor returned to him as he became more relaxed. "Ha- san, I was expecting more from you, big love expert that you are."
"Don't call me that." Hatori's tone was annoyed.
Shigure laughed. "So? Any more expert advice you wish to impart?"
Hatori was quiet for a while before he said, "It might be easier to keep in mind that, though Honda-kun isn't just any woman to you, she's still a woman."
Shigure blinked blankly. "What kind of advice is that?"
"Baka." There was distinct exasperation in his tone. "You were always more popular with the opposite sex than me and if you need me to spell it out any clearer, then maybe you are better off giving up. Now figure it out yourself and let me get some sleep."
Click.
Shigure frowned at the receiver, tempted to call back just to be annoying but knowing better than to press his luck.
Besides, he did understand what Hatori was saying and could have kicked himself for not realizing it sooner. He was still treating her as the untouchable high schooler with an oddly unique position in the house who he wanted but had to keep his hands off of for fear of having her protectors or the law slap him upside the head or worse. But, as Hatori had said earlier, she wasn't in high school anymore and things were different now. No erstwhile protectors around and with her of legal age...he was free to go beyond the usual light flirting that had always been interrupted by someone or something in the past.
He could treat her as a woman.
For certain, that would set him apart from the way the rest of the family treated her as a friend, substitute mother figure, or damsel in distress that needed to be watched over like one would a child. Since his own actions towards her had fallen mostly in tune with the latter, Shigure realized that it was time for a change. After all, if he wanted her to see him differently, then he should act differently as well so that she'd stop viewing him as a guardian type figure and look to him as a man, an easy enough task for someone with his experience.
Feeling a confidence he'd been without for a while, he was thrown off when he suddenly found himself in front of Tohru's bedroom, which hadn't been his intended destination. Though he was a bit alarmed at how his subconscious had guided him here while he'd been in the midst of pondering his next moves, he quickly shook it off.
Then he frowned when he realized that her door wasn't completely shut, shaking his head at how absentminded she still was over this despite the numerous lectures he'd heard her receive from Yuki and Kyou about the dangers of such carelessness. Telling himself that he was just checking up on her to see that she hadn't met any of the repercussions that could result from such carelessness, Shigure slowly and silently pushed open the door.
He could count on one hand the number of times he'd been in this room and he found himself uncharacteristically nervous as he invaded the feminine sanctuary which was dominated by its occupant sprawled across the big pink bed that he'd bought her a few years ago and had been a reoccurring star in some of his fevered dreams. Remembrances of those dreams plagued him as he stared down at her, taking in her slumbering features and how the comforter that was sliding off, no doubt kicked aside in sleep due to the warmth of the room, revealing the very female curves that the light pajamas she was wearing did little to hide as the material seemed to mold itself to her flesh like a second skin. Though she wouldn't be called beautiful by most standards, at that moment while she was bathed in moonlight streaming in through the window, in his eyes, she was all that and more and, unexpectedly, he felt his heart stutter.
Unable to resist, he leaned down, pausing when his lips were a hairsbreadth away from hers. Then he moved upwards and brushed a soft kiss against her forehead. Though the temptation was there to steal a kiss, he didn't want the first one between them to be while she was unconscious.
Chiding himself for these odd scruples he was developing, nonetheless he drew away from her and straightened.
And nearly had a heart attack when she opened her eyes.
"Shigure-san?" she questioned sleepily.
Frozen, Shigure looked back with wide eyes. "H-hai?" he stuttered stupidly.
She sat up groggily, looking around in confusion. "Why is Shigure-san in my room?"
A very good question and Shigure sweated as he tried to come up with an answer. "Maa," he said tensely, scratching his head. "You know, I think I was sleepwalking and somehow ended up here."
"Oh." Her expression cleared, becoming concerned. "That sounds dangerous. Shigure-san should be more careful."
He laughed nervously, barely believing that his lame explanation had been accepted so easily. "I'll keep that in mind."
"I don't know much about this but is there anything I can do?" She looked up at him anxiously. "Maybe you need something to eat or-"
"Iie," he said, waving her back when she made motions to get out of bed. He was feeling that unusual emotion of guilt again, this time over having woken her up when she was supposed to get up in a few hours for her interview. He sent her an apologetic look. "Gomen, Tohru-kun. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep." He faked a wide yawn. "I'm feeling really tired so I'll be heading back to bed anyway."
Her expression was uncertain. "So everything's alright?"
"Hai." His gaze was gentle, voice low. "Go back to sleep."
"Oyasumi nasai," she said softly, settling back into bed and closing her eyes.
"Oyasumi," he returned quietly as he heard her breathing relax as sleep claimed her once again.
Outside of her room, he took a deep breath and exhaled in relief at his narrow escape, rubbing the back of his neck which was beginning to ache from all the recent emotional strain he'd been put through. Finally feeling tired enough to sleep, he headed back for his room and prayed fervently that things would be easier, especially on his nerves, when he woke up and he began his pursuit of her with his new resolve in earnest.
But, in light of recent events, he had serious doubts that it would.
hai – yes
maa – well
ne – 'hey' or 'right' depending on context
sumimasen – I'm sorry / excuse me
iie – no
ano – sound of hesitation like saying 'well' or 'um'
arigatou gozaimasu – thank you very much
baka – idiot
gomen – sorry
oyasumi / oyasumi nasai – good night
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CHAPTER 4: Beginning the Chase
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"Be careful driving back," Tohru said.
They were standing by the door, seeing the doctor off as he departed, and though her expression as she looked at the doctor was sweetly concerned, inside she was feeling much more worried than she let on. After she'd returned to the table with tea and dessert, she had the impression that something significant had happened while she'd been gone though she was at a loss to say exactly what it was. But there was an odd tension in the air and, though she couldn't say why, she had the horrible feeling that it might have to do with her even though she didn't really think she'd done anything out of the ordinary lately. Perhaps it was her overactive imagination working overtime again but she didn't really believe so and it was only making her more worried. She had no solid proof, however, so it wasn't as if she could broach the subject since she didn't even know what the issue at hand was.
"I will," Hatori said. He looked down at her from his taller height, feeling almost regretful for the difficult times ahead that she'd most likely be put through in the wake of Shigure's new resolve. His expression softened. "You take good care of yourself, too."
She blinked, a little surprised, then smiled warmly. "Hai."
Hatori bit back amusement when he saw Shigure shift closer to Tohru, just behind her so she couldn't see the almost warning look on his face that he aimed at the doctor. After their conversation earlier, Shigure had become just as territorial as any dog and was making it clear in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't brook any poaching, not on this, friend or not.
Part of the possessiveness, Hatori was sure, stemmed from insecurity at the uncertainty of the situation and he hoped that things would settle down once everything was finally resolved one way or the other. But, until then, Hatori would enjoy seeing how his normally calm under pressure friend would deal with the same emotional turmoil that he himself had gone through before. Watching Shigure edge a little closer to Tohru, Hatori was positive that it would be entertaining.
"Ha-san, come back again soon." It was obvious he didn't really mean it as Shigure waved good-bye in what looked almost like a shooing manner. "Bye- bye."
Hatori took that as his cue. "Well, then," he said. "I'll be going. See you later."
"Ah," Shigure sighed once Hatori had left. "Alone at last." He turned to her. "Tohru-kun, do you have some time? There's something I want to say to you."
Concerned at the serious expression on his face, she bit her lip. "Hai, what is it?"
"Maa." He tilted his head. "It's not the kind of thing we should discuss in the hallway. We should go back and have a seat, ne?"
With that, he turned, walking back to the living area as she trailed after him, wondering what was going on.
To her, Shigure seemed to have an unusually somber air about him and it made her nervous. She'd been right earlier in thinking something had happened and that, apparently, it had something to do with her. Her heart clenched in fear that she had done something wrong unintentionally to make the normally light-hearted writer act this way, knowing it had to be something big for such a drastic change. After all, Shigure hardly ever asked to speak with her alone. That thought weighed heavily on her as she sat at the table, fidgeting nervously as she apprehensively wondered just what this conversation would hold, mind racing with the possible reasons behind it.
"Shigure-san?" she asked hesitantly. "What did you want to say to me?"
"Tohru-kun." Something flickered across his face that, if she didn't know better, she'd call it nervousness but it was gone too quickly for her to be sure. Suddenly, he let out a sigh and leaned back, giving her a lopsided smile. "It's wonderful, ne? Without so many people around, it's much quieter and pleasant, don't you think?"
"Hai," she replied uncertainly.
She was almost sure that wasn't what he'd been intending to say. Looking at him, she felt positive that whatever it was definitely had something to do with her and it didn't seem very good. Of course, if it involved her in a bad way, it was obvious that he'd have difficulty telling her being the kind person that Shigure was. Whatever it was couldn't be good and, no doubt, Shigure was hesitating because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Suddenly she straightened, eyes widening in horror as the meaning of his words sunk in and she realized what it was that he was probably trying to say.
"Sumimasen!" Tohru cried, bowing deeply in apology. "I'll move out right away!"
"Eh?!" Shigure let out a surprised cry of his own, eyes wide with surprise. "What did you say?"
"Sumimasen," she repeated miserably, head bowed. "Shigure-san should have said something sooner. Iie," she said, shaking her head, "I should have realized it myself."
"Eh?" Shigure's face was blank. "Tohru-kun, what are you talking about?"
"I'm being such a burden." Her shoulders slumped. "After living so many years with a bunch of teenagers, Shigure-san must have been looking forward to having the house back to himself." Her expression saddened. "But even after all of us graduated, only Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun moved out and here I am, still taking advantage of Shigure-san's kindness when he was wants to be alone."
"Ano, Tohru-kun." So that was what this was about? He scratched his head. "It's really not like that."
"Iie. Shigure-san's just too nice and probably has a difficult time telling me he doesn't want me here." She shook her head. "I was so silly not to realize until now. No wonder Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun seemed so worried about me staying here when they left."
"Maa." A strange expression flitted across his face. "I'm pretty sure that had to do with something else."
But Tohru looked doubtful. "I really should stop imposing myself now that I can work full-time. I can make enough to support myself and get a place of my own." Her eyes teared at the thought of leaving but she didn't want to cause trouble by staying. "After all Shigure-san and the other Soumas have done for me, I shouldn't take advantage anymore."
"Ano, Tohru-kun," Shigure tried to interrupt.
Only Tohru continued on as if she hadn't heard. "That's right! I can start looking for an apartment tomorrow. Maybe Uo-chan and Hana-chan will know someplace."
"Tohru-kun-"
"But wherever it is will be okay, I'm sure," she continued, distress written on her features as her words seemed to pick up speed. "I just don't want to be any more of a bother than I already have been so I'll pick the first place that looks good. Then, if Shigure-san doesn't mind waiting just a little, pretty soon I'll be gone-"
"Tohru-kun!"
She bit back a startled gasp at the sharp exclamation, staring with wide eyes back into Shigure's features that, for a moment, seemed almost dark and furious. But with a blink, the lines of his face smoothed into a calm but serious expression and she wondered if she'd just imagined it. However, she thought no more of it as Shigure's attention seemed to focus on her intensely, imparting the importance of what he was saying with his next words as they vibrated with some undercurrent of emotion that she wasn't familiar with.
"Tohru-kun." His voice was softer this time. "I don't want you to leave."
Her heart stuttered oddly as she blushed. "Really?"
"Hai." A little smile crooked the corners of his mouth. "Really."
"Then," she looked up at him earnestly, "Shigure-san doesn't think I'm a burden?" She bit her lip nervously. "I really don't want to take advantage of Shigure-san's kindness and staying if I'm not needed."
"Tohru-kun." There was an odd expression on his face she couldn't make out. "I can honestly say that you're not taking advantage of anyone by staying here." Suddenly he brightened with his usual light-heartedness. "Since I don't cook and am absolutely terrible at cleaning things, I really don't know what I'd do if Tohru-kun were to suddenly leave. Why, I'd probably starve to death!" He looked at her mournfully. "Tohru-kun wouldn't leave me alone like that, would she?"
"Of course not!" she exclaimed immediately. Then she glanced at him hesitantly. "So it's okay for me to stay?"
"Oh, definitely." He nodded emphatically then smiled. "I never thought of you leaving in the first place."
"Ah." She blushed, looking chastened. "Sumimasen. I jumped to conclusions again and got too worked up."
"Don't worry about it." He waved a dismissing hand.
She relaxed finally but then puzzlement crossed her features. "But if that's not what Shigure-san wanted to say to me, then what else was it?"
Shigure froze. "Ah. Maa." His gaze flickered around the room briefly before settling on hers in a serious manner. "Tohru-kun."
"Hai?" Her look was expectant, though a bit hesitant.
"Tohru-kun." He face was intent. "Good luck on your interview tomorrow." He broke into a cheery smile. "I think you'll get the position but, just in case I don't get up early enough tomorrow to tell you before you leave, I wanted to say it now."
Her expression cleared. "Arigatou gozaimasu." She smiled at him. "I'll do my best."
"Hai. I'm sure you will."
"Then if that's all," she cocked her head questioningly, "I still have some dishes I need to clean."
"Of course," he said. "Go right ahead. I've got some things to take care of, too."
He waited until she was gone before dropping his smiling mask and heaved a tired, frustrated sigh, wondering how he'd gone so wrong and in such a short amount of time, too.
-
Hours later, as he tossed and turned fruitlessly in his failed efforts to get some sleep, he still couldn't come up with an answer. So much for his brilliant mastermind which had yielded nothing so far –
Except to make him feel even worse than he had before!
His first plan of attack to get it over with and confess straightforwardly in a manner that she couldn't possibly misunderstand had been a dismal failure. He'd dilly-dallied so long that she'd jumped to that erroneous conclusion that he'd wanted her to leave.
He shuddered remembering his shock at her announcement that she was leaving and the unusual feelings of fear and horror that had swamped him until he realized why she'd said it. Then, there had been an acute sense of relief that was almost as alien as the rest of the emotions he'd felt. He'd been so unsettled and sidetracked from his original intent that he'd been thrown once again when she'd brought up the issue again of what it was he wanted to talk to her about. He snorted in disgust at how he'd chickened out and switched to wishing her luck on her interview.
He'd never realized that confessing emotions could be so difficult.
Much as he hated to admit it, he was beginning to understand a little better why Yuki and Kyou seemed to have left without saying anything. He'd already had second thoughts about the hasty plan that he'd tossed together on the spot after talking to Hatori. He thought it would be so simple after coming to grips with what he felt that he could deal with it quickly by telling her and getting it over with. But, though he was certain of his appeal and that her kind-hearted nature would work to his advantage, uneasiness still gripped him over the fear that she would refuse or, worse yet, be disgusted.
Oh, he knew she would never say anything outright but there was that niggling bit of doubt within him that wondered how she could not be disgusted with him if she knew what he was really like.
Just like he was disgusted.
More worries had crowded his mind and continued to plague him, making him rethink his pursuit. After all, what right did he have to her? She'd been so worried about being the one taking advantage when it was the opposite way around with him, horrible person that he was, benefiting from this arrangement that he had skillfully manipulated her into without her awareness. It just showed how undeserving he was of her.
Even Hatori had admitted that he wasn't good for her.
And that was the truth.
Shigure knew he was a conniving, lying, selfish bastard and he felt the taint even more now that he was contemplating the pursuit of someone so utterly opposite and pure. For thinking of pursuing and sullying such goodness, he was surely the lowest of the low. He really should give her up, let her find her happiness with someone who deserved her, even if it was one of the other Soumas.
But he was selfish and didn't want to.
Shigure scowled into the darkness, hating this internal conflict he wasn't used to but was, unfortunately, becoming all too familiar with lately. It was twisting him around, making him feel so unlike himself. The way he worried about her, placing her above his own self at times, was just so discomfiting. Especially when it was apparently something he was even doing unconsciously such as that thing Hatori had revealed about the smoking, something that Shigure had never realized he'd been doing.
And to think he'd always prided himself for being aware of all things pertaining to him only to have someone else realize something about him that he hadn't even known!
Hatori had mentioned other things as well, which had him anxious about just how much he'd changed that he wasn't aware of. He shook his head at the way things were turning out. Doing so many respectable things, thinking of backing off from something he wanted because it was probably the right thing to do. He was turning into something he thought he'd never be, someone responsible, one of those people who constantly worried about little things that didn't even benefit themselves.
He was turning into Hatori!
At that terrifying thought, Shigure shuddered and got out of bed. He was wide-awake, far from sleep, and only becoming more and more confused to the point where he wasn't sure of whom he was anymore. It was horrible feeling this way and he needed someone to talk it over with who could shed some light on the subject so that he didn't feel this way anymore.
And he knew just the person who could help.
-
"Hello?"
At the sound of the groggy voice, Shigure smiled into the telephone. "Ha- san! It's me!"
"Shigure?" He sounded more alert, and also annoyed. "It's three in the morning. You'd better have a good reason for calling me."
"Ah," Shigure laughed. "I don't really know if it's a good one."
Click.
Shigure shook his head and redialed. Once he heard the sound signaling that the other end had been picked up, he whined, "Ha-san!"
Click.
Determined, and having a bit of fun now, Shigure dialed again. "You know," Shigure said when Hatori had picked up again, "I'm only going to keep doing this until you listen to me."
There was a heavy sigh on the other end before he heard Hatori ask, "So what is it?"
"Ha-san should take me more seriously," Shigure pouted playfully. "Hanging up like that so suddenly, what if it had been an emergency?"
"If it were," Hatori said plainly, "then you wouldn't have sounded so cheerful."
"Maa, I suppose that's true."
"So, why the early morning wake-up call?"
Shigure paused. Now that he had someone to talk to, he didn't know quite where to begin.
"Shigure?" There was a touch of concern now in Hatori's voice.
"Ne, Ha-san." Shigure's tone was completely serious now. "Don't you think it would be better if I just gave up on this?"
"This?" Hatori asked softly. "You mean Honda-kun?"
"Ha-san," Shigure said glumly, "you know what I'm like. I don't deserve her."
"Speaking from personal experience, it's usual for men in love to feel that way. Whatever you may think, it's my opinion that you're off to a good start in that alone." There was brief pause. "But what brought on this bout of doubt? You seemed pretty determined when I left."
Grimacing, Shigure told him what had happened. Despite his painful embarrassment, he forged onwards, hoping his friend would be able to impart some words of wisdom on the subject that he was having such difficulty with.
Instead, what he got was a soft chuckle in his ear.
"I would have enjoyed seeing that." There was definitely amusement lacing his tone.
"Ha-san!" Shigure was irritated. "It's not a laughing matter."
"But it is. It really must be love if it's addling your wits so much that you come up with that as your first plan of attack. And to fail in following it through, too." Hatori chuckled again. "Definitely not what I expected of you."
"Why not?" he asked crossly.
"You're usually more subtle when it comes to these types of things."
"Do you really think Tohru-kun is the kind of person to pick up subtle nuances?"
"Maa, sometimes." He sighed. "But probably not in this situation though. Look at how long she's gone without realizing the boys' feelings. And when they spent all that time together, too."
"See?" Shigure commented, a bit irritated with the mention of Yuki and Kyou again. "It was a good plan."
"Hai, in theory." Hatori's tone was dry. "But if it really was a good plan then it would have been successful, ne?"
To that, Shigure had no comeback.
"Shigure, I never thought I'd be the one to say this to you but," he chuckled a little, "don't push yourself."
"You think I'm trying too hard?"
"Hai. Going for such a direct approach is completely unlike you. It seems almost as if you're forcing yourself to be the absolute opposite of the boys and how they waffled around on this."
"Not so opposite, it seems," Shigure said wryly. "After all, I wasn't able to come clean with her either."
"Did you really expect to? Now that you've had more time to think about it, do you think you'd attempt the same thing again?"
"Iie." Shigure shook his head. "I suppose not."
"You rushed yourself, didn't give yourself enough time to settle with everything our conversation brought up. Shigure," Hatori's voice was solemn, "go at your own pace. You don't have to be Yuki or Kyou, you don't have to be their opposite. Just be yourself."
"Myself?" He gave a short bark of laughter, a harsh sound. "Ha-san, do you think that's such a good idea?" His face grew dark. "If she knew what I was truly like, do you really think she'd stay?"
"And that's the heart of the matter, isn't it? You're worried that she won't like you when she sees those bits of you that you keep concealed from people."
"Ha-san, you don't understand." Shigure was frustrated. "Even you don't know everything about what I'm really like."
"Maybe not." Hatori's voice was calm. "But I have a better idea than you give me credit for. But, that aside," he paused, "do you think you'll be satisfied if she comes to you without knowing what you're really like?"
Shigure thought about it, honestly thought about it then shook his head. "Iie."
"I didn't think so." Hatori's voice softened. "Don't over think it so much. It's understandable to be uneasy over showing the one you care about your faults, natural to want someone to see only the good about you. But I also think that Honda-kun is more intuitive than you give her credit for and may know more about you than you realize, whether she herself is conscious of it or not."
"What do you mean?"
"It's only a feeling I have, nothing certain. But you might not have to worry about hiding or revealing those aspects of yourself that bother you as much as you think."
"How very vague." Humor returned to him as he became more relaxed. "Ha- san, I was expecting more from you, big love expert that you are."
"Don't call me that." Hatori's tone was annoyed.
Shigure laughed. "So? Any more expert advice you wish to impart?"
Hatori was quiet for a while before he said, "It might be easier to keep in mind that, though Honda-kun isn't just any woman to you, she's still a woman."
Shigure blinked blankly. "What kind of advice is that?"
"Baka." There was distinct exasperation in his tone. "You were always more popular with the opposite sex than me and if you need me to spell it out any clearer, then maybe you are better off giving up. Now figure it out yourself and let me get some sleep."
Click.
Shigure frowned at the receiver, tempted to call back just to be annoying but knowing better than to press his luck.
Besides, he did understand what Hatori was saying and could have kicked himself for not realizing it sooner. He was still treating her as the untouchable high schooler with an oddly unique position in the house who he wanted but had to keep his hands off of for fear of having her protectors or the law slap him upside the head or worse. But, as Hatori had said earlier, she wasn't in high school anymore and things were different now. No erstwhile protectors around and with her of legal age...he was free to go beyond the usual light flirting that had always been interrupted by someone or something in the past.
He could treat her as a woman.
For certain, that would set him apart from the way the rest of the family treated her as a friend, substitute mother figure, or damsel in distress that needed to be watched over like one would a child. Since his own actions towards her had fallen mostly in tune with the latter, Shigure realized that it was time for a change. After all, if he wanted her to see him differently, then he should act differently as well so that she'd stop viewing him as a guardian type figure and look to him as a man, an easy enough task for someone with his experience.
Feeling a confidence he'd been without for a while, he was thrown off when he suddenly found himself in front of Tohru's bedroom, which hadn't been his intended destination. Though he was a bit alarmed at how his subconscious had guided him here while he'd been in the midst of pondering his next moves, he quickly shook it off.
Then he frowned when he realized that her door wasn't completely shut, shaking his head at how absentminded she still was over this despite the numerous lectures he'd heard her receive from Yuki and Kyou about the dangers of such carelessness. Telling himself that he was just checking up on her to see that she hadn't met any of the repercussions that could result from such carelessness, Shigure slowly and silently pushed open the door.
He could count on one hand the number of times he'd been in this room and he found himself uncharacteristically nervous as he invaded the feminine sanctuary which was dominated by its occupant sprawled across the big pink bed that he'd bought her a few years ago and had been a reoccurring star in some of his fevered dreams. Remembrances of those dreams plagued him as he stared down at her, taking in her slumbering features and how the comforter that was sliding off, no doubt kicked aside in sleep due to the warmth of the room, revealing the very female curves that the light pajamas she was wearing did little to hide as the material seemed to mold itself to her flesh like a second skin. Though she wouldn't be called beautiful by most standards, at that moment while she was bathed in moonlight streaming in through the window, in his eyes, she was all that and more and, unexpectedly, he felt his heart stutter.
Unable to resist, he leaned down, pausing when his lips were a hairsbreadth away from hers. Then he moved upwards and brushed a soft kiss against her forehead. Though the temptation was there to steal a kiss, he didn't want the first one between them to be while she was unconscious.
Chiding himself for these odd scruples he was developing, nonetheless he drew away from her and straightened.
And nearly had a heart attack when she opened her eyes.
"Shigure-san?" she questioned sleepily.
Frozen, Shigure looked back with wide eyes. "H-hai?" he stuttered stupidly.
She sat up groggily, looking around in confusion. "Why is Shigure-san in my room?"
A very good question and Shigure sweated as he tried to come up with an answer. "Maa," he said tensely, scratching his head. "You know, I think I was sleepwalking and somehow ended up here."
"Oh." Her expression cleared, becoming concerned. "That sounds dangerous. Shigure-san should be more careful."
He laughed nervously, barely believing that his lame explanation had been accepted so easily. "I'll keep that in mind."
"I don't know much about this but is there anything I can do?" She looked up at him anxiously. "Maybe you need something to eat or-"
"Iie," he said, waving her back when she made motions to get out of bed. He was feeling that unusual emotion of guilt again, this time over having woken her up when she was supposed to get up in a few hours for her interview. He sent her an apologetic look. "Gomen, Tohru-kun. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep." He faked a wide yawn. "I'm feeling really tired so I'll be heading back to bed anyway."
Her expression was uncertain. "So everything's alright?"
"Hai." His gaze was gentle, voice low. "Go back to sleep."
"Oyasumi nasai," she said softly, settling back into bed and closing her eyes.
"Oyasumi," he returned quietly as he heard her breathing relax as sleep claimed her once again.
Outside of her room, he took a deep breath and exhaled in relief at his narrow escape, rubbing the back of his neck which was beginning to ache from all the recent emotional strain he'd been put through. Finally feeling tired enough to sleep, he headed back for his room and prayed fervently that things would be easier, especially on his nerves, when he woke up and he began his pursuit of her with his new resolve in earnest.
But, in light of recent events, he had serious doubts that it would.
