A/N: Completely randomness. Only because I'm extremely bored at the moment, so you'll all have to live with the weirdness of this fic. Have fun.
I don't know about you, but it seems to me that most stories start with an introduction to the main character. You want to know who I am, don't you? Well, I might not tell you, because I'm just that mean. Bwahaha! I mean...I'm not evil! Anyhow, I suppose I will tell you who I am, just because I pity you for having that kind of face. Ha! The score is, Me: One You: Zero. I'm on a roll. Anyhow, my name is Tom Riddle. You might know a few of my aliases, but I'd rather not go over them all.
Now, most of you are probably thinking, 'GASP! Tom Riddle? Isn't he evil or something like that, or is it just the pickles?' Well, I am here to answer that question – actually, I'm not, but I will anyway. I am not evil... Even though I have an evil cause, an evil plot, an evil laugh, a few evil followers, and an evil disposition, I am not evil. So get it out of your mind or I shall unleash all the fires of hell upon you in a furious attack of radishes! Bwahaha! I mean... hehehe... I'll just go over here and twitch.
Now then, the whole reason I'm writing to all of you is because I want you all to know that my life is not only made up of power, destruction, and death. It is also made up of power, destruction, and death... ... ...wait... Anyhow, I also have a very wonderful time of the day where I sit in front of the television, and watch The Big, Comfy Couch – I mean... A wonderful time in the day where I sit down to have tea and praise the Queen every few seconds, as all normal, crumpet-eating, tea-drinking, stiff-upper-lipping British men do. Although, the Queen is a muggle, therefore she shall die like the rest.
Anyhow, during my wonderful tea time hour, I bring in my old, esteemed teacher, Professor Dumbledore. Oh yes, when we aren't fighting we're quite the old buds. We catch up on all the latest gossip together. How his goldfish, Doodlekins, is doing, and how everything is and what not. We have very pleasant chats, I must say. Here is an example of an opening conversation, as follows. "Well, hello Albus, old chap! How's the Misses these days?" So on and so forth.
Sadly enough, we don't talk about the Misses much, because as his relationships are all fine and dandy, mine is suffering. Lady Riddle has taken to throwing plates at me. I read some book by some guy I saw on Oprah, and I think that she just might not be all that in to me. I'll have to double check though. You can never be too careful, can you? No you can't. Which brings us to our next subject: sandwiches.
When it's tea time, and you've invited a few of your old friends over, what kind of sandwiches do you make? Peanut butter and jelly, or ham and cheese, or both? You know, it's a very hard decision to make. Everyone likes peanut butter and jelly, but it sticks to the roof of your mouth, and I've had bad experiences with that. Ham and cheese, on the other hand, is different. A lot of people like ham and cheese, but there are so many questions that go along with it. Should you put mayonnaise, or miracle whip on it, for instance? Should you cut it in triangles or squares? What kind of cheese should be on it? And what if your guests are lactose intolerant?
Anyhow, other than that, I think that ham and cheese sandwiches are just fine. Then you have to decide the type of tea. Mint, green, or regular? Honestly... But if you ask me, mint is a bit overrated, and green is just – oh, hang on, I hear the doorbell... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sorry, I have to go! My guests are here. Well, I hope that I got everything right. Ham and cheese, regular, and a bunch of my old Cheers tapes to watch. Oh the joys. Uh... "COMING!" Gotta go, bye. Thanks for wasting your time on me.
