Thayvian Technique

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Even the most feared Bhallspawn must sometimes work for her money. With this in mind, Thima and her crew were making their way through the wilds to the town of Trademeet. The town was being attacked by wild animals and had promised Thima a large reward if she could put a stop to it. She was bored by the endless tracks of forests that lined the road and started wishing for orcs or something to attack them; just to break the monotony. No orcs made an appearance, but Thima was startled to see an impeccable dressed, bald, little man with brilliant red robes suddenly appear at the edge of the road.

"Where th' fuck did ye come from?" she asked politely.

"I am Degardan and I am looking for Edwin, a long-winded bag of gas," he said and Thima saw the currently female Edwin frantically shaking her head no as she stood behind Degardan.

"What do ya wan' him for?"

"He's wanted by the Red Wizards for crimes against Thay. The self-serving worm has gone rogue. There is a fantastic reward for any information leading to his capture."

"How big a reward?" Korgan asked excitedly. Thima stomped on his foot.

"Nope, don' think we know him, too bad though, kinda like th' thought o' a reward." Thima didn't think the wizard believed her, but to her relief, he just gave her a strange look then left.

"So yer not a Red Wizard anymore, Eddie?" Thima asked.

"Of course I am, it's all just a minor misunderstanding," Eddie protested, but no one believed her.

"If the Thayvians have cast you out, evil one," Anomen stated as he glared at the wizardess, "then you must have done something very depraved indeed."

"They probably kicked him out for bein' a prude. Or for havin' a hair fetish," Thima said.

Eddie was livid at this remark. "I am not a prude!"

"Nah? Then why'd ya swipe that girdle of gender change and sell it?"

"Never mind that, (some people should never be male), what did you mean by 'hair fetish'?"

"Isn't it th' fashion in Thay fer nobility ta shave their heads?"

"So what if it is? I owe it to my adoring admirers to look my best."

"Never mind Eddie, I like yer hair. Let's move on," Thima said, and the party continued on their way.

They arrived at Trademeet just in time to join in a fight. There were a bunch of crazed wild animals attacking the city gates. The Trademeet guards were strangely hostile even though Thima had helped to kill the animals. She told them to be nice or she would not help them for any reward amount. Finally, the guards let the group in, though they looked crossly at Jaheira. It seemed the townspeople blamed Druids for their problems. Since Jaheira was a druid, she was not warmly welcomed by the locals.

They were crossing the well-paved courtyard, just past the gates, when Degardan came up to them again. "Greetings again, friends of Edwin," he said. Darn Thima thought. Should have just gone for the fantastic reward when we had the chance.

"Did you think to fool me with a simple gender change spell?" Degardan said with a sneer as he threw a spell at Eddie.

"Aaah!" Eddie said as a silvery glimmer surrounded her. She stood there, puzzled, when the spell did not destroy her. She looked down at herself and grinned, she was male again! He reached down and fondled himself quickly, then turned to Degardan. "Cured!" Edwin gloated. "Cured of that wretched curse, Degardan, I owe you more than I can ever repay." Edwin then disintegrated Degardan on the spot.

That is, Edwin tried to disintegrate Degardan. His spell didn't quite work, but Degarden was distracted, and Thima and the others were able to kill him.

"That wasn' nice, Eddie," Thima said, as she looked at the body of the unfortunate bounty hunter.

"He wanted to kill me!" Edwin protested. "But I'll always remember him fondly." He leered at Thima, then kissed her passionately. He was just starting to work his way under her shirt when Jaheira tapped him on the shoulder.

"Perhaps you two should get a room before you mate in the street," Jaheira pointed out.

"Better they should pray for the strength to resist such unholy urges," Anomen advised. No one paid any attention to him.

"First, we should see that Lord Logan character that runs this place," Korgan said as he eyed the gathering townspeople sourly. "He better call off these vultures, 'cause anyone who lays a hand on Jaheira is goin' to lose it."

Lord Logan greeted them with more friendliness than the other Trademeet people. He was quite happy to send them off to the nearby druid grove to try to fix matters. Thima tried to get him to pay her in advance, but, for some reason, Lord Logan didn't want to trust her. He also sent them to talk to a druid named Cernd who claimed to have been sent to investigate the bad behaviour of the local druids. Cernd had been attacked by the townspeople and Logan put him in prison to protect him. Thima thought he seemed nice enough, if a little boring.

"Okay, we'll take ya wi' us when we go ta th' druid grove tomorrow," Thima said after talking to Cernd. "But for tonight I wan' a bath an' a proper bed."

"I am afraid no innkeeper in town will allow me to stay," Cernd said apologetically. "Like the worms that burrow in the ground; they are blind and cannot see beyond their little holes. Rejoice, friends, for tonight we shall sleep in the midst of beauteous nature."

"How's about you stay in this prison an' we'll come get ya in th' mornin'?" Thima said. Even Jaheira was agreeable with leaving Cernd behind; if it meant the party could stay in an inn.

They were soon feasting at a comfortable inn. Edwin kept fidgeting and making, not so subtle, hints that they should retire for the night. Thima insisted on bathing before retiring to their room for the night. She sent a protesting Edwin off to bathe alone, since the bath house was a communal one, and Thima was not in an exhibitionist mood.

"So why don' ya give th' dwarf a break?" Thima asked Jaheira as they dried themselves off after joyously scrubbing away a week's worth of dirt.

Jaheira snorted. "Some of us have standards, child. I'd sooner mate with a zombie."

"Suit yerself, but ya need ta get a little somethin' or ye'll turn inta a crabby bitch full-time stead o' part-time." Thima shot over her shoulder as she hurried out of the bath house.

Now it's time ta get properly laid, Thima thought, as she hurried to the room she had rented with the restored Edwin. "Hi Eddie, been waitin' long?" Thima asked, as she ran into the room and jumped onto Edwin's lap.

"Certainly not," he replied, placing a scroll on the arm of the chair he was sitting in. He was about to say more when Thima kissed him and started tugging his robe open. "Move to the bed?" He mumbled when his mouth was freed.

Thima dragged him over to the bed and bagan pulling off her clothes. Edwin followed quickly and was soon caressing her skillfully. Thima smiled and moved to return the favour. Sadly, she found something amiss. "Hey Eddie, shouldn' ye be gettin' excited?" Thima asked unhappily.

"Must be a side effect of that curse," he mumbled, embarrassed. Edwin decided to distract Thima by concentrating on pleasuring her. Unfortunately for Edwin, that only made Thima more eager than before.

"Anythin'?" Thima said hopefully.

"Nothing." He answered, downcast.

"I got a special scroll of flesh ta wood that should help but I don' like usin' it. Th' darn things are expensive," Thima said as she searched through her scroll case. She gave a cry of triumph when she found the right spell and immediately proceeded to cast it.

Tha's more like it, Thima thought, less than a minute later, when a properly aroused Edwin entered her. She was just starting to enjoy herself when he suddenly stopped. Wha' th' fuck, he's done already?

"Awww, Eddie," Thima protested.

"Whoops, sorry," he said sheepishly.

"Are ya sure ye've done this before?"