Thayvian Technique

The Druid and the Dwarf / Finale

I'm gettin' tired of people tryin' ta kill me, Thima thought as she sulked in a makeshift campsite. I thought it would be all over after we offed that Irenicus an got my soul back, but no, now I got a group of other Bhaalspawn tryin' ta kill me. Course I've gotta kill them first, already got th' giant an' the dragon. In th' meantime I gotta listen ta th' fool priest moonin' over Imoen. She winced as Anomen started in on another poem to his lady love.

"My lady fair," he cooed. "With hair so soft and er ... pink. At your feet let me stay and your beauty drink."

"Imoen," Thima said after the priest left to find firewood. "Ye don' know what yer missin' by not bein' courted by a real man. Why don' ya let Eddie here teach ya what yer supposed ta do wi' a man?"

"Huh?" Edwin said as he looked up. "Oh yes, I could do that."

Imoen only paled and ran away. Thima shook her head and looked over at Edwin.

"Yer gonna have ta' talk ta' th' priest Eddie."

Edwin grumbled, but Thima insisted, and he took Anomen aside to try talking to him. The priest fainted before Edwin had even really begun. He looked over at Thima and shrugged. Them two are gonna die virgins, she thought. Feeling sad for her sister, Thima went for a stroll. She had not gone far when she saw Korgan stroking his beard as he crouched behind some bushes by a stream. Oh, tha's right, Thima remembered, Jaheira said she was gonna bathe. Might as well let Korgan dream. She turned to leave, but noticed Korgan strip and run forwards. Wha' th' hell is he doin'?

Thima was soon hiding in the same place Korgan had been. She saw Jaheira standing in the stream washing her hair. Korgan had jumped in downstream from her and was making his way towards Jaheira, grinning foolishly. Jaheira's gonna kill him this time, Thima thought. Too bad, Korgan's real handy in a fight. Hey wha's she doin'? Jaheira had turned around as Korgan came up behind her, and suddenly ducked under the water. Thima strained to see if Korgan was dead yet, but he looked shocked and, happy? I don' believe it, Thima gasped, she's blowin' him! Oh Jaheira, ye's underwater, ya can' breathe. When's she gonna come up for air? Jaheira soon surfaced. I don' believe this, Thima thought again as she watched Korgan humping Jaheira. The moans that drifted up to Thima made her unbelievably horny.

Thima jumped up from her hiding place and ran back to the campsite. Gasping for breath, she looked around. Anomen was once again reciting poetry to Imoen.

"Where's Eddie?" Thima asked desperately.

"He wandered off that way," Imoen said waving a hand. "He said something about getting away from all the noise." Thima didn't hear the last part as she was already heading in Edwin's direction.

"Need cock now!" Thima grunted as she came up to Edwin. She didn't give him any time to answer, but pushed him over onto his back and immediately started opening the startled wizard's robes.

"What brought that on?" Edwin asked Thima a while later as she rested on top of him.

"Korgan finally nailed Jaheira," Thima answered, smiling down at him.

"And you were spying on them?"

"Yep."

"Should I thank them?"

Thima thought for a moment. "Better not say anythin' ta Jaheira. Ye can pat Korgan on th' head if ya wan'."

"Which head?" He asked innocently.

"Don' be crude Eddie."

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It was not long before the last two Bhaalspawn, the drow woman and the self-righteous monk, were eliminated by Thima. Now they had one more night to spend together, before the final battle for the Bhaal essence was fought in the morning.

"This is it people!" Thima announced. "Let's eat, drink, and screw, fer tomorrow we're probably all gonna die."

"With a wizard of my standing at your side?" Edwin protested. "Nonsense, we'll take down that Melissan broad with no trouble at all."

"Maybe yer right, Eddie. But that doesn' mean we can' still screw like it's our last fuck ever," Thima said as she went over to Edwin and blew lightly in his ear. It's been a weird time, she thought, fightin' all me siblings only ta find out it's Daddy's old girlfriend, Melissan, who's th' big threat. I don' like all th' fightin' even though Eddie gets a hard-on just thinkin' o' those high-level spells he's castin' now. I've never been laid so much in me life.

"Perhaps we should spend the night resting and preparing for the fight tomorrow?" Imoen asked timidly.

"You only weaken yourselves by wasting your strength in such a base manner." Anomen said looking with disapproval at Korgan and Jaheira who were hungrily kissing, and standing so close together that they looked like one (rather odd) creature.

"Ye two should run off somewhere and hold hands or somethin'," Thima said as she wriggled out of her clothes. Imoen and Anomen held identical expressions of distaste, and left quickly.

Thima was enjoying herself, taking it slow, when Edwin urged her to speed things up. "We're losing ground," he said, looking over at the other couple. "Korgan and Jaheira are almost finished round one."

"Amateurs," Thima said as she watched them for a moment. "Hey Jaheira!" Thima yelled when the two took a break. "Don' ye ever do anythin' but doggy-style?"

"Tend to your own affairs, child," Jaheira panted. "And leave me to mine."

"Actually," Thima said, with a grin. "I wanted to ask you if you'd like to trade partners."

"NO!" Edwin and Jaheira said at the same time as Korgan waggled his beard in Thima's direction. Edwin's eyes narrowed as he looked at the dwarf. "Don't even think about it you ratty-bearded, simian dwarf," he said. "Or there will be a fireball with your name on it."

"Aww," Thima pouted as Edwin grabbed her possessively. She started laughing as he pulled her down to the floor. "Don' worry, Eddie, I was only kiddin'. Ye're all th' man I need."

Despite indulging their baser instincts, as Anomen put it, the group still managed to kick Melissan's sorry butt in a huge, fantastic, undescribable, battle. Then things got strange as a big blue solar turned up and started talking about Thima taking all of the Bhaal essence and becoming a god.

"Wha' about Imoen there? Don' she have ta die fer me ta ascend?" Thima asked.

"I could arrange that," Edwin offered.

"Shut up, Eddie, she's me sister, even if she is a prude."

"Can I just give up the essence?" Imoen asked. "I never wanted such evil in me in the first place."

"It can be done." The solar said then sucked the Bhaal essence out of Imoen, making her a mere mortal again. "I could do the same for you, Thima."

"Are ya nuts?" Thima exclaimed. "Ye really think I'd give up th' chance ta be a god? Wha' do ya think, that I'm as looped as Imoen? Course I wanna be a god."

"Quite right," Edwin agreed. "Power should always be taken when offered."

"Yep, so go ahead an' god me already," Thima said, and soon felt her mortality flee from her as she ascended to a higher level. One of the first things she did with her new godhood was to take Edwin as her mortal consort. The two of them managed to make Mystra's relationship with Elminster look positively platonic. Needless to say, Thima and Edwin were perfectly happy.

Epilogues

Anomen (and Imoen)

After a (very) long courtship, the priest and the once child of Bhaal were married in an extremely tasteful ceremony. It is rumoured that they have now progressed beyond the hand-holding stage. Although Imoen stoutly denies it, Anomen has blushingly admitted that sometimes they will now hold both hands at the same time.

Jaheira

Spends her days travelling to different Dwarven settlements. She is enthusiastically doing her bit to improve relations between elves and dwarves.

Korgan

Goes around killing people and screwing women. The usual.