Harley and Ivy

Chapter 8: The One With The Clown

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to DC.


Shout Outs-

The Drewfus- Yup, Finding Nemo does indeed kick butt!

Agent-G- Harley and Ivy do indeed have bat problems, don't they?


Harley and Ivy's swanky new house-

It was breakfast time at Casa De Quinn and our heroines were enjoying their respective meals. Harley was munching away on a bowl of random sugary cereal while Ivy settled with a coffee. Ivy looked up form her coffee as she heard somebody haphazardly guzzling their food. Surprisingly, it wasn't Harley shovelling her cereal down her throat, it was the Man-Bat, or as Harley renamed him, Squishie!

'Squishie, use a knife and form with those moths or don't eat with us at all.' Ivy sighed.

Squishie stopped guzzling his moths and looked over at Harley with a begging expression.

'I'm sorry sweetie, Ivy's the boss.' Harley replied with an apologetic expression.

Squishie sighed reluctantly and struggled to cut up his bowl of moths with a knife and fork.

'See? I told you house-training him would be no problem.' Harley said with a proud smile.

'I still don't see why we can't hand him over to the police or something.' Ivy replied. 'The poor guy's stuck as a bat creature and you give him an embarrassing name. We have to help him.'

'Release him in to the wild you mean?' Harley asked. 'To live free with all the other bat people?'

Ivy just groaned and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

'How ever did you get to become a psychologist?'


Later-

Ivy had to go into the city to go buy some supplies for her horticulture experiments, so that left the mansion all to Harley. She was presently slouched in front of the giant plasma screen. Harley also had a giant bowl of popcorn in her lap and was shovelling handfuls of it into her mouth.

'Mmm, popcorn…' Harley smiled as she shovelled more into her mouth. Then suddenly, she let out a strangled yelp, there was popcorn stuck in her throat!

'Ack! Some beer'll put out that fire…' Harley wheezed as she grabbed her beer and guzzled some. 'Oh yeah, that's the stuff…' She sighed as she patted her chest.

From the direction of the front door, Harley could hear the sound of her doorbell ringing.

'Ooh, mail's here!' Harley squealed as she jumped up off the couch and made her way to the door.

Harley swung open the door and saw a deliveryman holding a rather large parcel.

'Special delivery for Ms Quinn. We got your bulk order of rubber chickens. Sign here…'

Harley took the pen and tried to sign the order form but the pen didn't seem to work.

'Hunh, that's weird.' Harley said as she clicked the pen a few more times. As soon as she put pen to paper again, a jolt of electricity shot through her, knocking her out.

The deliveryman picked up Harley's legs and carried her over to his van.


Later-

Harley slowly came around and found herself tied to a chair in a darkened room.

'Okay Red, this had better not be a kinky joke cuz it ain't funny…'

The colour left Harley's face as she heard insane laughter.

'Hahahahahahaha!'

'God no…' Harley groaned.

'Not God, only the Joker!' The Joker replied as he stepped into the light. 'Although sometimes I like to think I'm God. What's the matter Harl, no kiss for your puddin'?'

'Go spit!' Harley hissed.

'You always were a spunky one, Harl.' The Joker said as he sat on Harley's lap. You knew it was only a matter of time before I found you two chicks' little hideaway.'

'What have you done to Ivy, you bastard?' Harley hissed as she struggled against her bonds.

'Oooh, such a potty mouth, you kiss your momma with that mouth?'

Harley just yelled incoherently at him and continued to struggle in her bonds.

'I guess a little lesson in humility is in order.' The Joker said as he hopped off Harley's lap and removed a remote control from his pocket. He pressed a button on it and a large TV screen turned on, showing the front door to the house that Harley shared with Ivy.

'Oh lookie what we got here, it looks like ol' Compost Gal's just about to arrive home.' The Joker said as Ivy stepped out of a taxi. 'I sure hope nothing happens to her, that would be most unfortunate. Hee.'

'You're nuts!' Harley snarled.

'I know you are, but what am I?' The Joker childishly retorted. 'Now, which one was the button to set off the bomb…?'

Harley watched in horror as the Joker pressed a button on the remote and… carnival music played form a nearby stereo.

'Whoopsie, wrong one.' The Joker grinned. 'How sill of me.'

The Joker tried to choose another button, his tongue hanging out in concentration as he decided which button to press.

'Eanie-meanie-minie… mo!'

BLAMMO!

The mansion exploded in a ball of flame.

'NO!' Harley screamed. 'You bastard!'

The Joker just laughed insanely.

'Ivy go boom. Hahahahahaha!'

Harley's body drooped as she began to sob.

'Aww, there's no need to cry.' The Joker said, suddenly clam again as he turned off the giant TV. 'I know how we can dry those eyes…'

The Joker reached into his jacket and pulled out a flick-knife.

'By cutting them out!' He grinned evilly.


The mansion-

Al that was left of the mansion was a pile of wood and rubble. It had exploded just as Ivy placed one foot inside.

The ground began to rumble as vines started to grow out of the debris. The vines then picked up the larger pieces of debris and moved them away.

'Thank you, my pets.' Ivy coughed as she struggled out of the mess, battered and bloodied. 'Always so alert…'

Once Ivy had got out of the remains of her home she duster herself off and looked around.

'Oh God, where's Harley?' Ivy said as she remembered that her best friend and lover might still be trapped underneath the rubble.

Ivy dropped to her knees and began to scramble through it.

'Harley! Harley, talk to me!' She desperately called.

Ivy stopped scrambling through the debris once she heard the sound of a car pulling up nearby, it was the Batmobile!

'I never thought I'd be so glad to see you!' Ivy said as Batman climbed out. 'You have to help Harley, she's still in there!'

'Don't be too hasty, Ivy.' Batman replied as he held up a piece of purple material. 'Harley has been kidnapped.'

Ivy looked at the piece of purple material and sneered angrily.

'The Joker!'

TBC…


Next: The One With The Ass-Kicking

Ivy joins forces with Batman to rescue Harley from the Joker, 'nuff said.