Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Harry Potter or the songs or the wolfsbane potion idea.

Chapter 5

The First Full Moon

I don't need a lot of things

I can get by with nothin'

With all the blessings life can bring

I've always needed something

But I've got all I want when it comes to lovin' you

You're my only reason, you're my only truth

I need you like water, like breath, like rain

I need you like mercy from Heaven's gate

There's a freedom in your arms, that carries me through

I need you-Leann Rimes

Hermione's POV

The walk to Gryffindor tower felt like forever to Hermione. Her breath kept catching in her chest as she ran. Tears poured down her face, but she didn't bother to wipe them up. She was too busy thinking about Remus.

She should have listened to Lily; she should have told Remus about Harry before instead of trying to keep it secret. She didn't want him to know, but he deserved to know the truth. He kept her secret, she should have told him.

She gave the password and ran up the boy's staircase, ignoring the stares from other students in the common room. She didn't care what they thought, just as long as she could talk to Remus.

The door was shut when she reached the boy's room. She grabbed the handle but paused before turning it. She could tell he was inside even though she couldn't hear anything. She took a deep breath and turned the door knob.

Remus was sitting by the window. He didn't look up as she entered, but continued to stare out the window onto the grounds.

"Remus," she said softly. He didn't give any signal that he had heard her. "Remus? Can I talk to you?"

He didn't move. She walked a few steps closer to him.

"Remus, can we just talk?" she said, hoping he could hear the desperation in her voice.

"Sure," he said, turning around. He had clearly been crying, his eyes were still red, but he was trying to hide it. "Let's talk. About what?"

She overlooked the anger in his voice. He had every right to be mad at her, but it still stung.

"About what you heard," she said quietly.

"I know what I heard," he said, the anger in his voice getting more powerful with every word. "And I don't need you to lie to me anymore."

"I'm not going to lie," she said. "I just want to talk. And say I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" he snapped. She winced at his anger.

"Sorry that I did lie and didn't tell you things I should."

"How much more do I have to find out? How much pain am I going to painfully find out about before it happens?"

Hermione felt more tears fall out of her eyes and she bit her tongue. There was so much pain for him, but she wasn't going to let him find out about it. She wasn't going to tell anyone.

"Remus, I'm sorry," she said, kneeling down beside him. He had turned back to the window. "You heard me say it, I don't want to hurt you."

"How do I know that that's not a lie. How do I know you're not just saying that?"

"Remus, I wouldn't lie about that," she said, raising her hand to stroke his hair, but he angrily pushed it away. "Remus I never meant to hurt anyone, not you, not Harry, nobody. I know that in trying to not hurt anyone I've just made it worse, but I never meant to."

He turned back to her. Some of the anger had left his eyes, but it was still there. "Why didn't you just tell me?" he asked.

"I thought that that would be worse," she said. "It was a mistake. You probably heard me say this, but my past only exists with me. My past is your future and I have to forget about it. There are some things in the future that I wish I could change, but I can't. And since I'm never going back to my time, I want to just forget about Harry and Ron because they won't exist for years. And in 1997 after I disappear it won't be the same. They won't be my boys anymore who I've kept out of trouble and love like brothers."

"You love Harry more than a brother," said Remus bitterly.

"I wouldn't tell someone I loved them unless I truly meant it. I never told Harry I loved him." She ran her fingers through her own hair. "Remus, if I loved Harry would I have kissed you? Would I be brewing that potion? I'm willing to do that every full moon just for you.

I'm letting go of Harry. I can't have him and I just want to forget about him. I miss them, I miss Ron's snide comments about how much I read. I miss Harry's bravery, I miss having to explain things like girls to them or yelling at them when they try to copy my homework. But you know, if I had to be anywhere but there, I'd be here."

"Why?" he said, as if he didn't really care.

She put her hand under his chin and turned his head to face her. "Because you're here. Because Lily and James and Sirius and Peter are here. Because in the end it's still Hogwarts and Dumbledore's here." There was a long silence following her words before Remus spoke.

"Hermione," he said. "Can I trust you? Will you tell me the things I should know?"

"I'll tell you the things you can know. There are some things I can't tell you."

"Will you tell me what I can know?"

"Yes."

"Can you just tell me then when the potion will be ready?"

Hermione laughed. "It will be ready in time. I promise."

He smiled. "You sure?"

"Yes. I can even go with you and the boys."

The smile slid off his face. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why?" she said.

"I just don't think it is. I mean, suppose it didn't work."

"Of course it will work. I've made it before."

"Maybe we should just test it first."

Hermione could tell what he was doing. He was embarrassed again but she decided not to push him.

"I know that's not your reason, but I won't come."

"Can you read my mind or something?"

"No,' she said smiling. "I just know you by now. I won't go though, I promise."

"Thanks," he muttered. "It's not personal I just-"

"I know," she said. "I know. It's just you."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Remus reached to his bedside table and took something.

"I've been meaning to give this to you,' he said, opening up his hand and showing her a little gold necklace. A little arrow hung on the end, suspended by three gold bars.

"Oh, she said, reaching out and feeling the pendant in her fingers. "It's beautiful."

"I thought you'd like it," he said, sweeping her hair off her neck and fastening. She turned back to him and observed its effect. "It looks beautiful. Like you."

"You shouldn't flatter me," she said leaning up against him. "I'm a liar, remember?"

"You have reason to lie," he said. "I overreacted a little."

"No you didn't," she said. "You have every reason to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad, just surprised."

"You know I'm sorry, right?"

She felt him nod. There was a pause before he spoke "I'm a little bit different than you so I won't do this like you would."

"What?" she asked, turning her head to look up at him.

"I think I love you," he murmured.

Remus's POV (the day of the full moon)

At every opportunity the past week, Hermione had been gone working on the potion. He had been taking it for a few days and Hermione's confidence that it would work was infectious.

"So can you tell us what this potion does?" asked Sirius for what felt like the millionth time.

"You'll find out tonight."

"Why can't you just tell us?" he whined. "Please Remus. I'll never ask you to do anything again."

"Sure,' laughed Remus and James at the same time. "I believe the last time you said that and I told you, you asked me to do your homework that evening."

'I'm serious," he pouted.

"Of course you are. That's your name isn't it?"

"I give up," Sirius yelled and went back to his homework.

Remus looked up at the clock. Six thirty, he had about an hour before Dumbledore would come down to get him. The others usually went down once they saw Dumbledore coming back up. They would be in for a surprise tonight when they went down the tunnel.

"Hey," said a voice behind him and Hermione slid into the seat in between him and James. "how's it going?"

"Fine," said Sirius sarcastically.

"I thought you were giving up," said James in an annoyingly calm voice. Sirius snorted and continued to write.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Hermione, eyebrows raised.

"He's upset because Remus won't tell us what the potion is for," said James. "There aren't very many things that Sirius hasn't learned but one of them is definetly patience."

"I can think of a few others," said Hermione.

"Hey!"

"It's true," said Hermione defensively. "And I'm not even going to start on my past experiences."

"I'm not sure whether to be insulted or pleased."

"Whichever you feel like being Padfoot," said James, shaking his head.

"So, nervous?" Hermione whispered in his ear.

"Honestly? I'm terrified," he muttered.

"I'm sure it will be fine," she said. "And if it's not, you have my permission to hate me."

"Even if you ended up killing me, I could never hate you," he murmured smiling.

"What are you two whispering about?" said Sirius obnoxiously.

"None of your business," said Hermione.

"How do I know that?"

"Because it's not. Happy?"

"Not even close," said Sirius. "Can't you just tell us what the hell the potion does?"

"No," said Hermione. "You'll find out tonight."

"Can you read his mind?" asked Sirius incredulously.

Hermione looked at him and they burst out laughing

"What, may I ask, is so funny?" said Sirius indignantly.

"That's what Remus keeps saying," said Hermione, her face full of laughter.

Hermione's POV (about an hour later)

"See you tomorrow," she whispered to Remus as Dumbledore motioned for him to follow.

He wrapped his arms around her and whispered "I can't thank you enough."

"Go,' she said, pushing him. "Be careful." He nodded and left. Fifteen minutes later Hermione saw the boys sneak down their staircase. Lily hugged James tightly before he left. Hermione saw them slip the invisibility cloak on through the portrait hole.

Hermione found it impossible to concentrate on her homework. She had plans to stay up until the boys came back, but the anticipation was eating at her patience. She found herself looking out of the window every few minutes.

"Why don't you go down?" said Lily around ten o'clock. Hermione sighed.

"I can't. I promised Remus I wouldn't. Just in case."

"Oh," Lily threw her hands in the air. "How could it not work? You're the most brilliant witch I've ever met. Maybe even more than me."

"I know, it's just I promised. I don't want to do anything else to hurt him."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I know, but don't you at least want to know whether or not it worked."

"I'll know in the morning," she said simply.

"Yeah, and you'll wait. You're looking outside every minute and at the clock every other. Just go and see if you can see them. I'm sure Sirius or someone will tell you."

"It's just that I promised. I can't. I don't want to give him any other reason for him to not trust me. I already lied to him once, I can't do it again."

"It's not lying."

"It's breaking a promise and he sees that as lying."

"If he asks, tell him I made you. You need to know. I know you do and I think part of him wants you to come down."

Hermione bit her lip and rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll go, but you better stop complaining after wards."

"Good," said Lily looking satisfied. "Don't forget to tell me."

Hermione grabbed her cloak and ran through the portrait hole. She didn't really want to go but Lily's nagging had not only annoyed her, but made her more anxious. She wanted to know, so now that she was out, she might as well.

She passed several classrooms and suits of armor before opening the great door and running out into the night.

Remus's POV

He had already made a mental note to tell Hermione that she was genius. He had to make it before he forgot, and he knew he would have. Because of her genius, Remus was free. He was himself. There was nothing he could do to cause damage.

"Hey moony,' said Sirius, the huge black dog skidding to a halt.

"What?" Sirius nodded towards the castle. He turned to look . A figure was leaned up against the castle wall on the cold grey steps. He wouldn't have noticed her if there hadn't been any moonlight on her face. He couldn't tell who it was, but he knew only one girl would be outside this late on a full moon.

"Why isn't she inside?" Remus asked. "I thought I told her to stay. I know I told her."

"You can't tell me you thought she'd stay," said Sirius. "She was probably curious as to whether or not it worked. She obviously fell asleep while waiting."

"I know, it's just…"

"It's embarassing," said the voice of James the stag. Remus looked at him.

"Yeah, I mean, I know none of us never talk about it, but outside of school. It'll be…different. This-" he looked at himself in his horrifying form "-it's a destruction. It will…hurt her. if we're still together, I mean."

"Are you trying to say what I think you're saying?" squeaked Peter from the ground. Remus sighed and looked back up at Hermione.

"I want to," he said. "If it's ever going to be anyone, I want it to be her." There was a pause. All three of them were looking at Hermione.

"Would it kill you to go over there?" James asked, now looking at him. Remus tore his gaze away from Hermione to look at James.

"What?"

"Would it really hurt you to go over there?"

"I suppose not," he said turning back to Hermione.

"Then why don't you just go ahead? She doesn't even have to come with you. Just go over there and say hello or something."

"But…but what if I scare her?"

"Looking like that, I wouldn't blame her," said Sirius. James jabbed him hard with his antler. "Ow, but you heard what she said the other day. She's seen it before. She doesn't care."

"Go ahead," said James, and he pushed Remus forward. He stumbled a few feet and tried to turn him around. Three pairs of eyes refused to let him back out.

"Don't be wimp," said Sirius, so Remus turned and walked to the castle steps where Hermione lay sleeping. It seemed to take an age for him to get there, but it seemed like a second once he did.

He marveled at the differences the moonlight showed in them. In it's milky glow, Hermione looked like a goddess or angel out of a painting. Her pale skin looked almost silvery and her hair was unusually soft. It cascaded down her shoulders and a few strands fell across her face.

He looked at himself. This was all the outside world would see when he left school. They wouldn't care that he was the smartest or the best, all they would see was the wolf. To them he was, there was no other word for it, monster. Usually he didn't care what they thought, but ever since she had come he had felt bitter every time he thought about it.

She stirred in her sleep, shaking him out of his thoughts. Her own lovely face was facing him, a small smile on her lips.

He took a deep breath and nudged her sleeping form with his nose. She moved again but did not wake/ He nudged again and her eyelids flickered.

She opened them slowly then closed them again. Then, as if she had been poked with something sharp and very hot, they sprang back open and she quickly stood up. A look of shock and horror was slowly being replaced by one of understanding and apology, but the first look stuck in Remus's mind. He turned away, his fears confirmed. He scared her.

"No, wait, Remus," she said, rushing to him. He started to walk away.

"Remus, I-I was just startled." He paid her no heed. He couldn't be with her if he scared her.

She had stopped trying to follow him.

"I-I love you."

He stopped dead. He could hear her breathing. Sirius, James, and Peter were nowhere to be seen. He turned around to face her.

Her eyes glimmered with tears and he could feel tears of his own forming in her eyes. She walked over to him and kneeled in front of him. He could see himself reflected in those big brown eyes.

She raised her hand to his neck and stroked, causing a tingling feeling in his body, spreading from that one spot.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "you just surprised me, that's all."

He knew that. His mind was reeling from her other words.

"Really?" he asked, but she could hear was a bark. She jumped slightly and let out a nervous laugh. He looked at her apologetically.

"I suppose you'll have to tell me in the morning," she said. "I'll go to the hospital wing as soon as I can." She hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head. "I'll see you in the morning sweetheart."

He watched her run up the steps and wave to him as she opened the door and slipped inside. He felt dizzy. She had told him she loved him. Had she meant it? She must have. She had told him herself that. She wouldn't have told someone that unless she meant it.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there, wasn't even aware of the pounding feet coming up behind him, didn't even take in anything around him until he heard Sirius's voice in his ear.

"So, how'd it go?" he asked casually.

"Fine," said Remus. He was still completely unfocused.

"What happened?" James asked.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"One does not stand here for over fifteen minutes and do nothing," said Sirius in an annoyed tone. "Especially when your girlfriend is 'here'"

"Hmm."

"What did you do?' Sirius demanded, sounding frustrated.

"Nothing." He turned to face them. "Come on, aren't we going to Hogsmeade?"

He started to walk away, oblivious to their quizzical looks, but he didn't care. He wouldn't answer their questions. Not yet anyway. He couldn't. He was still answering them for himself.

Hermione's POV

Hermione sat in an armchair in the common room, fiddling with the necklace Remus had given her. The pendant jiggled and the sharp arrow poked her skin, but she, lost in thought, paid no attention to it.

She wanted it to be morning. She wanted to see him. She wanted to apologize to him again. It wasn't his fault he had scared her. She should have expected it.

Sleep drifted around her, overtaking he many times, but mostly passing her by. She didn't want to sleep, she wanted her Remus. She'd sleep in the hospital wing if her made her.

Light crept into the common room and she smiled. He would be there soon. She'd give it a few minutes. He wouldn't be there immediately.

By quarter of six she found she could no longer stand the anticipation. Pulling her hair back, she opened the portrait and walked as quickly as she could to the hospital wing. A portrait of a former time enchantress yelled as she passed; "It's a bit early for ye to be up missy. The headmaster won't like that."

Only Remus, Sirius, James and Peter were there, Remus sleeping, and the others drowsing in chairs beside him. Her steps echoed over the room but the boys who were awake didn't notice her until she was right beside them

"M-m-morning Mione," James yawned.

"Tired?" she asked skeptically, but smiling.

"Exhausted," said Sirius, slumping in his chair. "We were waiting for you before we went to sleep."

"Go ahead," she said. "I'll stay with him."

"Thanks Mione." The four slumped out of the hospital wing and Hermione sat in James's abandoned chair. She looked at the peacefully sleeping Remus and smiled. She wasn't going to wake him yet. She'd let him wake up on his own.

She drowsed in the chair, occasionally waking when Remus stirred, but slept mostly. She was waiting for him to call her name. She didn't have to wait long.

She had her head on her chest, barely awake, when she heard a tired voice say "Hermione?"

She jerked herself out of her doze. Remus had pushed himself up a little so he was propped up against the pillows. There was smile blossoming across his tired face.

"Oh Remus," she said, standing up and bending over to kiss his forehead. "I'm sorry. I should have expect-"

"Did you mean it?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. She didn't think that he was talking about her being sorry.

"What?" He had never looked at her like that before. He seemed to be trying to read her mind, as though there was truth he was searching for in her head.

"Do-do you really" He seemed to be having difficulty breathing. She stroked his forehead.

"It's okay, slowly baby."

"Do you really love me?" he asked.

She stopped and saw the fear in his face. She should have expected that. All her fear had been in his feelings about scaring her the previous night, not in what she had told him.

She couldn't hesitate though. His face showed worry. Clearly he thought she didn't. At least not like she had meant it last night.

"Yes," she whispered leaning forward, putting her face to his and staring into his beautiful blue eyes. "Yes, I do love you." She closed the space between their lips with a kiss. She could feel Remus's exhaustion. His kiss was weak; she could feel the energy he was trying to put into it. She pulled away slowly and stroked the side of his face.

"Really?" he asked, eyes closed.

"Really," she replied, leaning in for another kiss.

Still Hermione's POV (a few days later)

"Hermione, I have an idea"

Hermione gave an exasperated sigh. "What's your idea Lily?"

"I can't tell you here." Lily glanced around. "Oh fine, I know that getting those ingredients was hard and doing it every month could be dangerous-"

"But I am willing to do it every day for Remus if I have to," Hermione interjected.

"I know, but suppose Terwilliger ran out of Boomslang skin or something one month. You wouldn't be able to make it."

"Yes, true."

"So I came up with a solution. It's probably not as good as the potion, but it will make up for part of it."

Hermione leaned in, now interested. "What?" she asked.

Lily cupped her hand around Hermione's ear and whispered something. Hermione gasped.

"Are you sure?"

"It would be brilliant," said Lily with an air of someone who is very please with themselves.

"You think I should?"

"No. I think we should. It would be perfect."

"But won't it take long?"

Lily smiled with her tongue between her teeth. "Not when it's the two most brilliant witches doing it. We don't have to tell anyone. We can surprise them."

"You are a genius," said Hermione.

"I try, you know," said Lily picking her quill back up. "What's moonstone again?"

Hermione laughed. "I thought you said the two most brilliant witches. Am I wrong?"

"Hey! I don't see you getting married."

"I don't see you being thrown back in time with no way back."

"Well, that's different!"

"Different situations maybe."

"It's different."

"What's different?" said the unmistakable voice of Sirius.

"Great time boys," said Hermione looking up to where the marauders had joined them. "You can spare me."

"Hey!"

"Lils, what are you doing to my girlfriend?" said Remus sitting down and greeting Hermione with a kiss.

"Nothing," said Lily, frustrated.

"So what are you two talking about?" said James who had his arm around his fiancé.

"Oh, nothing," said Hermione mysteriously.

"Out with it," said Sirius impatiently. "You two are plotting something. Some other mysterious potion?"

"Mind you own business Sirius," said Lily. "if you need to know, we'll tell you."

"And that goes for all of us, or just Sirius?" asked Remus. Even Sirius joined the rest of them in laughing.

"All of you," said Hermione.

"Even me?" said Remus looking at her with big eyes. Hermione laughed.

"Yes Remus, even you. Okay? Everyone clear on that? You'll find out soon enough anyway."

"Oh, now I know it's good," said Sirius rolling his eyes.

"Oh, come on," said Remus in Hermione's ear. "You can tell me."

"No I can't," said Hermione. "You'll find out when it becomes necessary to know. Is that enough information?"

"I can never get enough information out of you. You're too secretive."

"Oh, and is there a problem with that?"

"No." He leaned closer to her. "It's some thing I happen to like about you."

"What are you two whispering about?" said Sirius, in what was clearly the loudest and most obnoxious voice he could manage. "are you telling him? Even though you just said even he can't know?"

"No. I'm telling him that he can't know. Again."

I looked away, then I looked back at you

You tried to say the things you can't undo

If I had my way, I'd never get over you

Today's the day I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall, make it through it all

And I don't want to fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in love with you- Avril Lavigne

Oooooh, ask me questions people! I gave you two big mysteries this time. (1) What is the thing Hermione is and (2) What are Lily and Hermione going to do? Ask me, take guesses. I won't say yes or no to either but I want to hear what you think they might be. That's always fun.

Replies

Captain Oblivious: Thank you so much. If you're looking, my favorites list has quite a few time travel fics. There plenty of Hermione/Remus there too.

StarRegina: I'm not sure whether to bask in the glory of your words or curse you for comparing me. Now, I hope you can please update this week. Once or twice. In case you didn't notice, I updated about four or five times.

Black-rose23: Yep, he listens, but you can't blame him for being mad, can you?

Genevieve: Thanks

Dracula5555: yep, fluff.

Now, I want to thank everyone especially because since I wrote this story, there has been a burst of people putting me on their author alerts and favorite lists. I appreciate this very much all you nice people!

The next chapter will be called Of Shadows and Snows, Feathers and Fangs. A very weird title I know, but it will be pretty good. A couple things happening:

Hermione and Lily complete whatever it is that they're doing

There will be another full moon

The thing Hermione is will be brought to light again. I promise that if you don't already, you will know what it is by the next chapter. Hermione however is not quite as on top of things as we are. I can't blame her with the amount of work she need to do.

Thank you and review.

Gwen Worshipper

P.S. The thing Hermione is did appear. I swear.