Hey folks! Sorry for not updating in a while. Between writers block, moving, and some other junk I just didn't feel all that funny. Hopefully now though I should be able to give you some nice Zim-like weirdness!

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! Those little blurbs really make my day! Anyway, enjoy Chapter 9!


Chapter 9: Spy vs Spy

Vim could not shake the feeling that she was being watched as she marched down the street. She had stopped several times during the walk home and turned around abruptly, only to be greeted by a deserted street. It must be her imagination. Or worse! Maybe the paranoia of the crazy big-headed boy was rubbing off on her. She shuddered at the thought and hurried home.

Zim was well trained in the art of How Not To Be Seen. He had managed to graduate top in his class on Irk in the subject! True, the reason for this was that horrible accident that burned out all the eyes of the test takers during his run, but nonetheless Zim was a master shadower. Whenever the disguised Flargian would whirl about, Zim would deftly duck behind a bush, or a mailbox, or a giant chicken; whatever happened to be around. The poor little slime was totally unaware of his presence.

Vim hurried up the path of her home and opened the door, sticking her head inside. "Rid! C'mon, let's... RID!! I told you no more toast! And I didn't know you knew how to sculpt."

"It's a gift," Rid said as she exited the house, now in her earth animal disguise, "The Eastern Island heads I'm particularly proud of."

"Yes," Vim stated with a nod, "I'm impressed with the butter pats for eyes. But enough! We must voyage into the heart of the enemy. The big-headed boy awaits!"

Rid walked out then paused, scratching her head adorably with a paw, "But... why are we going for his heart, if he has a bigger head? Won't we have more room there?"

Vim stared blankly at her companion before turning on her heel and marching down the street, the small hench-thing in tow.

"Perfect," Zim purred evilly from his position hidden in a hedgerow, "The disgusting pseudo pig-smelly is leaving. This gives me the opportunity to infiltrate with no interruptions. Now... what kind of defenses does this horribly disguised habit have?" Zim's PAK opened as a set of goggles fell over his eyes, whirring softly as he looked around.

"Ha! Weak and pathetic!" Zim laughed derisively, "Zirconium blasto canons, Vortian tripwires, several types of pie, some kind of string on a piece of toast.... child's play for the mighty Zim! I can hardly believe I'm wasting my time on this filthy and horrible attempt at alien infiltration. The swine girl is fortunate the humans are so incredibly stupid, otherwise she'd be found out in an instant. Aw, well. The Tallest demand it."

The goggles slid back into Zim's PAK as he glared at the seemingly unguarded grounds, readying himself. With a sudden move, he launched himself at the yard, ducking and rolling as two beams of blue light zapped over his head. He jumped up from the roll, flying over several well-hidden electronic tripwires before his spiderlegs sprouted from his PAK and lifted him above a cascade of pies that threatened to cream him. Zim then marched up to the bit of toast on a string and yanked it free, holding it up victoriously. "Yes! I am Zim! No security can keep me away. NONE!"

As he was laughing hysterically, Zim failed to notice the small automated sprinklers that sprung up all over the yard. In a split second, they unleashed their payload, causing Zim to scream in agony as the water splashed against his non-paste-protected skin. "It burns!" he cried, rolling around in agony, "It hurts! Make it stop! Do not dissolve my superior skin!"

Meanwhile, Vim had arrived at Dib's house and stood impatiently at the door, ringing the doorbell several times. The door flew open and there stood Dib, grinning widely. A little too widely, in fact. In truth, Zim's words had gnawed at him constantly since lunch. Could his new ally really be a fiend from beyond the stars? Or was it that Zim was merely trying to destroy this one faint flicker of hope for humanity to see the truth.

In any event, Dib had prepared to find out once and for all.

"Vim! Come in!" Dib said happily, casting a glance down at the strange gerbil beside her, "Wow. That's a big gerbil. What do you feed him?"

"Annoying children," Vim replied gruffly, elbowing her way inside, "Enough banter, Dib. Let me see the alien ship again."

"Sure, no problem," Dib replied with a nod, "Right after we eat. I took the liberty of ordering some pizza. Have some, won't you?" The big headed boy motioned to the living room where sat two boxes of Bloaty's Pizza, one opened and half gone as Gaz sat and played her Gameslave intently.

Vim shuddered as she examined the horribly greasy concoction and shook her head, "No, I told you. I have food allergies."

"Oh, c'mon, please? I ordered so much! Surely your allergies aren't so bad that you can't have ONE piece..."

Vim gritted her teeth in annoyance, "I said NO!"

Suddenly Gaz spoke up, not looking away from the television which danced with pixelated goodness, "Just eat the pizza to make him be quiet. Afterwards, we can stuff the box into his mouth."

The Flargian paused, considering this logic. Hmm... that just may be worth the risk. "Oh, all right," she replied with a sigh, "Just one piece." She moved over to sit on the couch and gingerly took one of the oozing slices.

Dib grinned widely, watching her intently before speaking in a sotto voice to his sister, "Good work, Gaz! She doesn't suspect a thing! She has no idea this is just the first in a series of tests to see if she's an alien!"

Gaz gritted her teeth. "You're still talking," she stated warningly, "I wasn't kidding about the box thing. All of it. In your mouth. At once."

Dib wasn't listening, instead focusing on Vim. Zim couldn't eat earth food; if Vim couldn't either, that would be a black mark on her record. For her own part, Vim studied the pizza as one would a slug plucked from the forest floor. She sniffed at the slice a moment then gingerly fed it into her mouth, taking a shuddering bite and chewing thoughtfully. Dib waited with baited breath. After a moment, she smiled in delight, looking down at the slice in surprise, "Hey, this isn't bad! And, um... it doesn't look like I'm reacting to it. Neat!" Vim turned to watch Gaz play, munching on the pizza.

Dib pursed his lips. Rats! Inconclusive. No matter; this wasn't the last of his tests. "Hey, Vim!" he called out, "I bet that pizza is making you thirsty. Would you like... a glass of water?!" Dib suddenly brandished a glass of clear liquid, tipping it threateningly. Vim glanced over and grunted, taking the glass and gulping down the water. "Ahh," she said when she was finished, "Yeah, thanks. That was pretty good."

Dib frowned slightly. Two tests down. Maybe Vim wasn't an alien. Zim must have been trying to confuse him. Still... only one way to be sure. Quietly, Dib got out his x-ray goggles he had first used to peer inside Zim on the playground. If there was anything different about her, this would tell. He turned them on and --

Suddenly, he found himself being held down, his goggles broken by a sudden impact. "Gaz?! Wait, what are you doing?!"

Gaz waved the now empty (albeit still greasy) pizza box menacingly with one hand. "I told you to be quiet," she said with dangerous calm, "I told you what would happen if you weren't quiet. Open wide." As she began stuffing the cardboard into Dib's mouth, the poor boy gurgling and struggling in resistance, Gaz looked over her shoulder at where Vim was watching with glee, "Go ahead and play while I give Dib his medicine if you want."

Vim squealed happily and picked up the discarded controller and began to play amid the muffled sounds of Dib's punishment, "Thanks!"

An hour later, Dib sat on the couch, scowling with his arms crossed, some elements of the pizza box still sticking out of his mouth. Both Gaz and Vim were playing the Gameslave, Gaz with her usual silent intensity and Vim with her usual vocal exuberance. Dib mumbled something through the protruding cardboard. Vim scowled and looked over at Dib before suddenly remembering what she had come here in the first place for. Reluctantly, she sighed and set the controller down, "Well, Gaz, it's been fun. But I gotta spend time with your stupid brother now, unfortunately. I think I'll get myself my own Gameslave tomorrow or something. This thing is a hoot!" Gaz merely grunted and continued playing.

Vim stood from the couch and pulled the pizza box from Dib's mouth, heading for the garage, "C'mon, let's get this over with." She paused then cocked her head to one side, "Wait... where's Rid, my gerbil?"

As if on queue, Rid appeared from the kitchen, carrying a huge heaping of toast. "Look what I got!" she squealed happily, "The nice man in there and I had a chat about toast! He's gonna use some 'o my ideas for a new version of Super Toast! Super Toast: Millennium Edition! Yaaay!"

Dib blinked several times, "Wait, your gerbil talks?"

Vim nodded, "Yes."

"Gerbils don't talk," Dib replied, looking suspiciously at Vim again.

"Are you so sure?" Vim stated archly, "Maybe they, like most of the population of this planet, simply don't want to talk to you." Gaz snickered in the background. "Come on, time's wasting."

Dib was confused and guarded, but nodded and followed into the garage. More tests would have to be devised. A talking gerbil was just too strange.

Several hours passed in the garage, with Vim looking over every aspect of the deactivated Irken ship, giving meticulous notes to Rid as Dib stood nearby. Dib wasn't used to being the odd man out – well, that was a lie, he was used to it. But not when it came to things that involved Zim. Eventually, Vim completed her investigation and grunted. "Very well, I am pleased with this, Dib. You did good work."

The big headed boy arched his eyebrows and smiled slightly, "Really?"

"Yes," Vim replied with a nod, "Very good job in restoring this Irken junk. Unfortunately, it tells us little of use about their forces. What we need is a spy in Zim's base itself."

Dib rubbed the back of his large head absently, "Well, I did manage to install a small spy device a while back, but he found it and used it to reactivate Tak's personality on the ship."

"Hmm," Vim replied, rubbing her chin in thought, "Well, we'll just have to install another one. It won't be easy... it will take a week of intense training and planning. But I think we can do it." Vim smiled, "What do you say, Dib?"

Optimism once again shined in Dib's features. How could he have doubted Vim's humanity? Clearly she was just as concerned about Zim's invasion plans as him. A true earth patriot! "That sounds great!"

"Excellent!" Vim stated with a nod, "Now, it's important you be in top physical condition before we attempt this. Give me three-thousand push ups while I go and play some more Gameslave with your delightful sister." She turned on a heel and walked back to the main house.

"Welcome home, son!"

Zim fell face-first into his house, his wig off kilter, one of the contacts slipping from his eye, and his skin burnt and sizzling with a faint coating of butter.

"You're popcorn flavored!" Gir shouted in greeting as the roboparents closed the door and retreated back to their closet. Zim shakingly pulled himself up to the couch and laid back against it.

"Victory!" he proclaimed, though his voice broke painfully, "Although the little smeet jelly's dwelling was more heavily guarded than I first surmised – especially the whole butter waterfall and lagoon with those boats made from toast slices – it was nothing compared to my glorious invasion abilities! Now I have her entire communications network bugged and will be able to see everything that she reports to her filthy superiors! And now..."

Zim hopped off the couch and marched over to an end table, the bottom opening to reveal a lift, "Computer! Take me to the infirmary!"