Drowning
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize from the wonderful Harry Potter books.
(A/N: Here she is. Thanks to my beta Saryah, and my great friends Kitty and Kayla.)
Chapter One
Introduction to the Chaos
All my theories, my feelings, my thoughts, they all boil down to two words. Life. Sucks.
My bare feet are no longer affected by the icy floor in my lonely dormitory. The ragged bathrobe which hangs dully over my slumping stature casts an eerie glow over my sunken features. I look tiredly into the hanging mirror, desperately trying to ignore its blatant sighs of pity. My name is Lily Evans, and the last thing I want is your, or the bloody mirror's, pity.
The room is dark, and I consider sleep. Sleep is just an opportunity for nightmares. But my weary eyes are desperate for rest and my body is aching for the feel of the crisp linen sheets kept in perfect condition by the house elves. I pad silently across the room, past the other three snoring lumps in their four post beds. I shrug off my ratty robe and slip into the tight pocket of the sheets. Inside this cocoon, I feel safe. Warm.
BBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGG!
Sometimes, I wish you could kill inanimate objects. Especially the stupid, annoying invention known as an alarm clock. I reluctantly open my eyes but immediately shield them from the daylight that welcomed itself into the room. The other three girls have been awake for an hour now, primping and fluffing to impress the arrogant opposite sex.
"Good morning Lily." The tallest girl's smile peeked up over the compact powder which she was applying manually as I shut off the incessant ringing. Mackenzie Stewart is one those girls who's tall and slender but if she was short she wouldn't have been quite as fortunate. She had shoulder length honey brown hair and big hazel eyes. She was classically cute and freakishly cheery. Damn her.
"Mmmmmmm…"I groaned and buried my face deep in the folds of my pillow as Mackenzie smacked her lips to distribute her glossy lipstick. Avery poked her head out of the bathroom door calling for reinforcement eye shadow. Avery Whitfield was pretty, not beautiful, but definitely pretty. She had light blonde hair and grayish eyes, average height, average weight. Average.
Then there was Chase. She was my favorite of the three with her fun disposition, and outrageous sense of humor. Chase Leyton had short, flirty dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes that danced with laughter. She was by far the shortest of the three and the one who was least concerned about her looks, but nonetheless, she woke up early with the other girls.
"Ok, we're off. See you later, Lily!" Chase called as she and the other two shut the door and headed into the common room before breakfast. I swung my legs over the bed and stood as my feet connected with the floor. I began to lug myself across the room until I stepped on something that cracked. I looked down to discover a broken picture frame and a trickle of blood emerging from the sole of my foot. Perfect. As I lifted the photograph, I realized why it had been so carelessly thrown on the floor near my bed. It was a picture of my family before everything went so very wrong.
Actually, I used to be quite attractive with my long, thick red hair and bright green eyes. But now my hair is tatty and pulled back and my eyes are dull and mute. I finger the tall brunette man with green eyes longingly.
Lord Voldemort killed my father. And it's my fault.
If I wouldn't have been a witch, I wouldn't have dragged my innocent family into this ongoing war in the wizarding world. Lord Voldemort tried to kill my mother but my father shielded her, receiving the death curse in a flash of eerie green light. The dark man's high pitched laughter flooded the room as he yet again pointed his wand at my mother, instead inflicting the Cruciatus curse, causing her writhe in pain and pass out. Lord Voldemort, who suspected that she was dead or breathing her last breaths, fled the scene as my sister and her boyfriend barged in from their date. My mother should not be doubted for she is the strongest woman I know and that's why I'm not surprised that after a short stay at the Muggle hospital she was alive. My father though, could never be brought back.
From that day forward my sister loathed the very air I breathed. Petunia never accepted who I was, but she endured it for the sake of our family. But now that our family is fractured, I am nothing more than a good for nothing murderer. Hearing those words from my sister just crushed me, then when my mother agreed I was thrown out of the house, and their hearts.
I started moving in a downward spiral.
Beep…beep…beep… I lifted my wrist to eye level to view my watch flashing that it was time for breakfast. Grudgingly, I slid into my well worn robes and made a beeline through the corridors into the great hall. The Great Hall was extravagant and beautiful with enchanted ceilings and carved structures. And there I stood feeling 5 feet small, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the magical Hogwarts life.
The long house tables are probably the most intimidating objects here. Lengthy benches, covered with chattering friends and blossoming relationships, leaving no room for social outsiders. I take my place at the end of the bench, placing some distance between me and the rest of the sea of black, red and gold. I forked a piece of toast, and swigged some pumpkin juice that cools my throat as it trails down. I nibble indifferently at my bread and try not to be affected by the rich laughter and smiles surrounding me. Today's the first day of classes since Christmas holidays, for all who left for home returned yesterday afternoon.
Christmas is just about the worst holiday that was ever created. It's just an excuse for hopelessly happy couples to exchange saliva beneath a piece of blasted mistletoe or families to join together and open parcels beneath a green fir decorated with odds and ends. And everyone's so happy. All the time!
"LILY!" My head snapped up to see who had called my name in that boisterous voice, and I saw a flash of bright purple and a waving hand connect with the stone floor as the person fell hard. Ouch.
"I'm okay…I'm good. THAT was exhilarating!" Scarlett O'Connell's bright head of purple hair popped right back up and she skipped merrily over to the vacant seat in front of me. Then again, all the seats around me were open. Scarlett's a seventh year Gryffindor and an oddball of all sorts.
"Like the hair? I thought it made me look….SPANISH! You know?" Scarlett twisted her arms in the air and snapped in an 'Olé' fashion. She's one of those people who seem to have caffeine permanently running through her veins. And what I want to know is how the girl fills out identification forms because I highly doubt in the box labeled "hair color" you can write 'depends'. I just mumbled in agreement as she propped up her head in her upright hands and smiled brightly.
"So how are you?" Scarlett asked as she added two slices of bacon to my nearly empty plate and then proceeded in filling her plate with all the breakfast necessities.
"Oh, bloody fantastic. I just enjoyed a nice merlot on the veranda with a few friends." I replied sardonically as if she should feel bad for being so damn jovial.
Scarlett threw back her head and laughed loudly while shrieking rather shrilly, "You crack me up!" Once she had collected her self from my oh-so-funny comment she returned her gaze to the fluffy pancakes lying before her.
"Can you pass the syrup, doll?" I passed the skinny pitcher of warm maple syrup and began poking indifferently at the pieces of bacon now resting idly on my plate.
"C'mon, Lil! You got to eat something. You're skin and bones! And then once you're skin deteriorates from lack of any protein, you'll only be bones. And from your lack of calcium, those will be as brittle as twigs. So once all the bones in your body break, you'll be left with nothing but you're brain and heart which will soon stop functioning so eat that bacon or die!" Scarlett took in a deep breath after her passionate rant and replaced the hair behind her ear which came out of place and then went back to carefully cutting her pancakes.
Feeling like I lost the battle, I took a few small bites out of my bacon, which seemed to satisfy Scarlett. Just as I was beginning to feel entranced by the woodwork along the table, I heard a deep voice from behind me.
"Why, hello there Lily, Scarlett." I titled my face ever so slightly to meet the face of the handsome, fellow 6th year Gryffindor, Remus Lupin who had just plopped down next to me.
"I almost couldn't spot you guys at the table. The purple hair blends right in, Scarlett." Remus smirked as he picked up the remaining, untouched piece of bacon from my plate and effortlessly popped it into his mouth.
"So you like the whole Spanish vibe it sends?" Scarlett asked anxiously as she tossed her long straight hair back over her shoulder. Remus stole a quick glance at me and quirked up an eyebrow, barely noticeable beneath his shaggy sandy brown hair that fell easily over his stormy eyes. His attractive face was tainted by a thin white scar which crept across his face from his left ear to just above his left eye. I had grown used to it but at first glance, most people's eyes are immediately drawn to it.
"Spanish?" Remus asked dubiously, I simply shrugged my shoulders as Scarlett nodded vigorously.
"I kind of see it……" Remus cocked his head to the side; squinted one eye shut and framed her face with his hands as if trying to analyze a sculpture.
"Hey Moony, once you're done checking out Scarlett, c'mon." said Sirius Black as he entered the Great Hall with his fellow "Marauders." That's what they call themselves, them being Sirius, Remus, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter.
Sirius Black, he had a history, a past. He was tall and dark and the kind of guy you would want to rebel with.
"Hardy-har-har. I was not checking out Scarlett. I was seeing if her hair made her look Spanish." Remus replied indignantly as he began to rise from his seat to join the guys.
"Oh, see now we understand." Peter gave him the why-didn't-you-just-say-that-in–the first-place-look until Remus flicked him in the back of the head lightheartedly. Peter may not be quite as tall or handsome as the others but his quirky personality is somewhat loveable.
"Yea, I often check to see what nationality a girl's hairdo is. Actually a hobby of mine, kind of like bird watching." James said to Remus and then turned to Scarlett, "And I fully agree. Definitely Spanish." He smiled and gave me a friendly wave before he, Remus and Peter made their way over to where Sirius was already sitting down. James was one of those people who is just an all around nice guy. He was very passionate about what he believed in and that got him in to trouble when he spoke his mind.
The Marauders was a group of four very different boys who shared a friendship that I envy.
I wish I had a friend I could confide everything in, trust with my life. But I don't. I am very much alone in this world, and that very thought scares the shit out of me.
Yet again, my depressing train of thought was interrupted by my blasted wristwatch directing me to go to my Charms class. I have a headache just thinking about the rolls of crisp parchment and the smells of thick ink that I haven't had to deal with for the last two weeks. This is going to be a long day.
The Gryffindor Common room is the source of all evil. I think Public Displays of Affection should be cause for someone to be sent to Azkaban. I was just sitting on the plush sofa facing the burning hearth, reading a novel, minding my own business. The room was well occupied when the portrait swung open to let Leslie Pricketts in. Leslie, a 7th year, was and has been an item with Wes Kienley for quite sometime now but that is no excuse for them to enter with their hands intertwined. And then, he leans in and kisses her in front of the whole Gryffindor population! True, if you would have blinked at that moment you would've missed it but I, and lots of other Gryffindors, were NOT blinking. Disgusting. I heard a blissful sigh from behind me and turned to see Scarlett's shoulders propped up on the back of the couch. She was gazing towards the ceiling with a glazed look.
"Err...Scarlett?"
"Aren't they romantic." She cooed.
"Nope. Not really."
"And he's so good to her. To him there's only her." Scarlett went on as if I said nothing. "AND did you see his eyes! There so dreamy when he sees her."
"Mmmhmm. Well as exciting as this is….." I closed my book and stood up to edge out the portrait hole.
"Lily, do you not want that?" Scarlett asked my retreating back.
"Want what?" I turned to face her confused face.
"Someone to know all your imperfections and love them. A shoulder to cry on and he would never think less of you for it but admire you even more. To rejoice in your triumphs, to cry at your losses. To love you and everything you are?"
I lowered my head and my mind went reeling. I wanted to scream, "YES! More than anything." But I couldn't. That would be revealing my emotions, showing my feelings. Something I do not do. So I stood there for a moment drowning in my own thoughts. I seem to be doing that a lot lately, drowning. I lifted my head and replied in a quiet whisper.
"No." Then I continued making my way out the common room.
Drowning. Drowning fast.
(A/N: Hey there. I hope you're enjoying it, reviews are more than welcome and expect more soon!)
prongs122
