Last time in this hobbity little place, Gandalf got disturbed, Frodo got kinky, Merry got turned on and Pippin put the kettle on…

Gandalf folded up the yellowy parchment and rooted around his desk for an envelope. He had decided to take action, it was for his friends own good. Gandalf did not know if he could bear it if it got out that the savior of all Middle Earth, Gandalfs hallowed little pawn, was a fruit loop. He would be the laughing stock of the entire wizarding community, and he couldn't have that. Gandalf quite enjoyed the new popularity; it brought with it wild parties and many a shaggable young maiden who would happily throw herself at any famous person in her line of sight. He was a celebrity, and by the gods it was going to stay that way or something would have to explode.

Frodo stretched and sighed contentedly; he had had both his cousins in the one night, which he believed was extremely impressive for any fifty year old. He noticed that Pip was already up, "probably scrubbing his skin to pieces in an attempt to get 'clean' after his escapades last night", thought Frodo, as he smiled satisfactorily at the memory of the previous night. Merry was still snoring loudly in the rumpled bed, and Frodo decided he would let Merry's stomach to wake him up rather than having to deal with a disgruntled (and most likely sore) cousin.

As he wandered through the sparse trees surrounding his home, Frodo looked for all the world the perfect picture of mature innocence. Everyone in Hobbiton knew that he had never had a lady friend, and they were beginning to accept that due to the ring and all that jazz, he probably never would. What many people didn't know was that Frodo was in fact a kinky little thing with a penchant for blondes and leather. Which was exactly why he had set his heart on the oh so wonderful and oh so unattainable Legolas.

Suddenly Aragorn stepped out in front of his friend and picked him up, as he had not quite had time to look up before he whapped right into Aragorn's legs. Aragorn cleared his throat nervously and said in a small, hopeful voice,

"This is Mary, Frodo…and I uh…I thought you two might have a little in common…erm…" Aragorn lost his train of thought and just looked pleadingly at the girl while Frodo stood tapping his foot, studying his nails and raising his eyebrow. All the girl did was give Aragorn a disgusted look, handed him back some rolled up notes from down her top and took off haughtily in the opposite direction.

"It was worth a try, don't worry, I don't really mind. So Gandalf told you then, hmm?" asked Frodo genially with a small smile on his lips. Aragorn blushed and rubbed his hands together and tried to feel less uncomfortable.

"Well, um, he was, um, rather brief, but, um, he sounded, um, most concerned for your welfare, um…" said Aragorn in an attempt to defend the White wizard. Frodo just raised his eyebrow and laughed, Aragorn really was helpless when it came to matters of the heart.

A short, pissed off mass of golden curls zoomed out of nowhere and rugby tackled Frodo to the ground. On closer inspection, the short pissed off mass of golden curls turned out to be Pippin. Merry followed at a more leisurely pace.

Merry nodded at Aragorn in greeting and said, "Sorry if we were interrupting something, it's just, Pippin wants his trousers back, Frodo must have got the wrong ones when he got up this morning." Aragorn turned and looked Merry with an expression of shock. In the background Pippin had managed to get Frodo's belt undone and was attacking his buttons fervently.

"Whaaaa?" spluttered Aragorn helplessly, his mouth opening and closing. Merry's cheeks started to go red as the Kings fishy behaviour was turning him on. Aragorn turned away from Merry, as he could get no answer out of the day dreaming, fish fancying hobbit. Unfortunately, by this point, Pippin had Frodo's trousers off down to his ankles and was crying out,"Get out of these trousers now God damn you!" at the top of his voice, while Frodo giggled insanely on the ground. Aragorn felt helpless, as only someone who had defeated all manner of evil things and was considered the bravest, most valiant man alive can. After all, he was witnessing two hobbits wrestle over a pair of trousers, now that is a scary image.

Spying on the group from the edge of the woods was an old man in a very conspicuous pointy hat (he had tried to make it less so by sticking a branch to it and some grass, but had failed miserably.) "Hmmph" he muttered in a secretive way before adding, "the failure! Blast his sons to Hades!" Suddenly in a puff of glitter, the man in the conspicuous pointy hat, vanished.

To be continued….

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