Mama
Ikkoku: Usagi? Usagi!
she
called all through the house,
Mama
Ikkoku: Usagi, where are you, you lazy girl?
She
moved into the kitchen, weilding her spatula. Suddenly, Chibi-usa
popped out from inside the oven and rolled to Ikkuko's feet, hugging
a bottle of syrup.
Chibi-usa: I want
pancakes!
Mama
Ikkoku: AAAAAH!
She screamed,
slapping Chibi-usa furiously with the spatula.
Mama
Ikkoku: Get it off! Get it off!
Chibi-usa
jumped up.
Chibi-usa: Ow! Stop
hitting me! Why are you hitting me! This family's so cruel!
The
little girl whined. Ikkuko noticed it was only Chibi-usa.
Mama
Ikkoku: Oh, my, Chibi-usa, you frightened me! I thought you were a
giant pink blob that came out from the oven to try to eat my
feet!
Chibi-usa:
I don't believe you!
Her eyes
spilling tears, Chibi-usa ran out of the kitchen.
Mama
Ikkoku: Ugh! Whatever, you little bitch!
Just
as Ikkuko closed up the oven and picked up the bottle of syrup, Usagi
barged through the front door.
Usagi:
I'm hooooome!
She yelled, in her
horrible high-pitched voice.
Mama
Ikkoku: AAHH! My ears!
Usagi's
mother dropped the bottle of syrup and buckled over, falling to her
knees, tightly clasping her hands against the sides of her head.
Usagi removed her shoes and came into the kitchen.
Usagi:
Hi, mom!
Ikkuko removed her hands
from her head. She tried to run out of the kitchen to get away from
Usagi and her obnoxious voice, but tripped over the syrup, which was
still lying on the floor. It squirted everywhere as Ikkuko landed on
it. Usagi's new outfit was splattered with the sticky maple fluid.
She screamed and ran around like a chicken with it's head cut
off.
Usagi: OH NOOOO!
MAAAMO-CHAAAAAN GAVE THIS TO ME!
She
shreiked. Her eyes then rolled to the back of her head and she
blacked out.
R
title screen and title music
Sailor
Moon R
Too Poor for Washing Machines!
A
Day at the Laundromat
When
Usagi awoke, she was lying in a pool of maple syrup. Chibi-usa sat at
the table, staring Usagi down.
Chibi-usa:
Good. I was hoping you were still alive. Now, make me my damn
pancakes!
Usagi took one look at her
clothes and began screaming again.
Usagi:
What am I going to do! I can't wash these! We don't have a washing
machine!
Chibi-usa:
I don't give a fuck about your clothes! I want pancakes!
Sounds
of someone running down the stairs could be heard and both girls were
quiet.
Mama Ikkuko:
Usagi,whydon'tyougodowntothelocallaundromatandgetcleanedup!
She
shouted, very fast, as she ran past the kitchen, covering her ears,
then running out the front door. Chibi-usa blinked.
Usagi:
That's what I'll do, then! I don't wanna look like crap for
Maaaaamo-chaaaaan.
And with that, she
rose to her feet. Then she slipped and fell since she was in the
middle of a puddle of syrup. Usagi moaned in pain as she crawled away
from it, then left the house. Chibi-usa sat alone at the
table.
Chibi-usa: There's no way I'm
that stupid bitch's daughter!
Usagi:
MYYYYYY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R!
She
bellowed, walking down the street, on her way to the
laundromat,
Usagi: MY BOLOGNA HAS A
SECOND NAME, IT'S M-E-Y-E-R!
Around
her, people began to scream in pain, falling to their knees and
running for their lives.
Usagi:
...CUZ OSCAR MEYER HAS A WAY WITH B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
All
of a sudden, Usagi bumped into Minako, who was carrying a stack of
clothes taller than herself. Shirts, pants, skirts, and panties flew
everywhere.
Usagi: Hiiii,
Minako-chan!
Minako:
Oh, I'm sorry, Usagi-chan, I totally couldn't like, see where I was
going!
As they picked up Minako's
garments, Usagi asked,
Usagi: So,
where ya off to?
Minako:
I'm like, going to the laundromat.
Usagi:
Why?
Minako:
To like, wash my clothes.
Usagi:
Why?
Minako:
Because like, I don't have a washing machine at home.
Usagi:
Why?
Minako:
It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm poor.
Usagi:
Ooh,
She replied, pinching her
nose.
Minako: Oh, come on,
Usagi-chan, Like, I don't smell THAT bad!
Usagi:
Yes you do...
Minako lifted her arm
and sniffed her armpit.
Minako: Ugh!
I guess I do!
Usagi:
Yeah... Well, anyway, I'm going to the laundromat, too! Look at my
clothes! Chibi-usa messed them up with her fucking pancake
syrup!
Minako giggled. Usagi offered
to carry half of Minako's nasty clothes and they both continued
walking over to the laundromat as about a dozen flies followed.
When
they reached their destination, both were surprised to see Rei and
Makoto there as well.
Rei: Heeeey,
dawgs!
Makoto:
Yo, whut up, G?
Minako:
Like, wow! Rei-chan and like, Mako-chan come here, too!
A
horrible scent drifted throughout the room.
Rei:
Are those YOUR clothes I smell all the way over here,
Usagi-chan?
Usagi:
Very funny, Rei-chan! You make me laugh! Hahaha! It's so funny, my
tummy hurts!
Minako:
They're MY clothes.
Makoto:
Whoops...
She said, walking
away.
Rei: God, Minako-chan, you
STINK!
Usagi:
Rei-chan! Be nice!
Rei:
Minako, if you want, you can come over to the Hikawa Shrine later and
take a bath.
Minako:
No, that's okay. I have a bath at home.
Usagi
looked at Minako oddly.
Usagi: Then
why do you smell so bad?
Minako:
I just CHOOSE not to bathe!
Minako
laughed. Usagi made a face, then went over to Makoto.
Usagi:
Um, I need to wash these clothes that I'm wearing and I was wondering
if you had something for me to wear while I wash these.
Makoto
nodded and handed her jeans and a t-shirt. Usagi smiled and thanked
her, then went into the bathroom to change. After loading their
clothes into machines, Rei sat down and began reading her new
Cosmopolitan, while Makoto started playing a cheap arcade game in the
far corner of the laundromat. Minako pounded on the bathroom
door.
Minako: Like, hurry up,
Usagi-chan! I like, have to go like, really bad!
The
door opened and Usagi came out with her outfit in hand.
Usagi:
That is the most disgusting bathroom I've ever been in...
Minako
jetted into the lavatory and slammed the door behind her.
Makoto:
What's her hurry?
Suddenly, the sound
of a loud, wet splatter came from inside the bathroom, followed by
another and yet another.
Rei: Oh,
gross!
Makoto:
When you're climbin' up a ladder and you feelin' somethin' splatter -
Diarrhea!
She jested, continuing her
game.
Usagi slumped over as her head lay on her arm. Next to
hers, A giant pile of Minako's clothes sat on the adjacent washing
machine. She lathargically got up and dumped them in. Just as she was
closing the top, Minako came over, smiling.
Minako:
Need some like, soap, Usagi-chan?
She
asked, pouring the whole box in, giggling.
Usagi:
YAAAA!
She knocked the box out of
Minako's hand.
Minako: What'sa
matter, Usagi-chan?
Usagi looked at
her like "What are you, stupid!" Just then, Setsuna and
Ami walked through the door. Minako ran over.
Minako:
Have you like, come here to wash clothes, too?
Setsuna:
No, I came here to bake cookies.
Usagi
tilted her head.
Usagi: In a
laundromat?
Ami: Zezz!
Usagi
moved closer to Setsuna and whispered,
Usagi:
Why'd ya bring Ami-chan?
Setsuna
looked over at the ugly blue-haired smarty pants.
Setsuna:
Tch. Are you kidding? I'm not that big of a loser. She just
followed me here.
Suddenly, Ami began
twitching violently. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She
grabbed the clothes basket from Setsuna's hands and tossed it at
Usagi.
Usagi: Hey! Watch it!
Ami:
Malfunction!
Everyone was quiet.
Then Setsuna smacked Ami in the back of the head.
Setsuna:
Stupid bitch!
She walked across the
room and picked up her clothes, putting them back in her basket.
Ami:
Did you- zezz! Hear that Setsuna-san has a boyfriend?
Usagi
& Minako: WHAAAT!
Ami:
Wait,
She said, pulling out her
little computer,
Ami: According to
my- zezz! Calculations, she has two.
Usagi:
Two boyfriends!
Minako:
Totally kinky!
Ami started shaking
and twitching.
Ami: My computer
database is filled with infor- zezz! -mation about her sex
life.
Minako:
Well, duh! That's like, what boyfriends are for!
Ami
typed and typed at her mini computer. Usagi pushed Minako
aside.
Usagi: So, who are
they!
Ami's head spun around in a
complete three hundred and sixty degrees.
Ami:
Momoru-san and Motoki-san.
Usagi
stood upright and grunted, then turned to Minako.
Usagi:
You heard that, right?
Minako was
enflamed and was seeing red. Rei, who was all the way on the other
side of the room, heard this and began laughing hysterically.
Minako:
He's cheating on me!
Ami's limbs
began spazzing and shooting out in all directions, hitting Usagi in
the face, and kicking Minako's thigh.
Ami:
Database! Database! Zezz! Data- zezz!
Then
her body exploded. Usagi started crying and collapsed to her knees.
Just as Minako was charging at Setsuna, the machine Usagi was using
to wash her clothes, blew up in an eruption of bubbles and
fizz.
Usagi: I told you you put too
much soap in!
Minako:
w00t! Hahaha!
The bubbles grew taller
and taller.
Rei: The excitement
begins...
Minako jumped up onto one
of the washing machines and began doing the chicken dance. Usagi
joined her.
Usagi & Minako: I
don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck! So, kiss my
a-
Setsuna:
Watch your language!
Usagi:
Shut up, you boyfriend stealing whore!
Setsuna:
Too young!
She said, pointing at
them both.
Usagi & Minako: We are
not little kiddies!
They turned to
each other, then sang the song over.
Usagi
& Minako: I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck!
So, kiss my... ASS!
Setsuna:
Stop cursing!
Minako got in Setsuna's
face and bragged.
Minako:
AAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Still, the
bubbles rose as everyone ignored them.
Makoto:
Minako-chan, jump in, it's the bath you NEED!
Minako:
Like, shut up!
Usagi ran over to Rei,
who was just standing, doing absolutely nothing as the bubbles took
over the room.
Usagi: Rei-chan, help
me!
She yelled, jumping into Raye's
arms.
Usagi: I have a confession! I
never really did it with Mamo-chan! I've never done it with
anyone!
Rei:
So... Ya wanna make out?
As they
commenced getting intimate, Makoto noticed the entrance door open all
by itself - or so it seemed since the bottom half of the room was
already filled with bubbles. A short pink streak moved across the
room beneath the white fizz.
Makoto:
What the hell..?
It stopped right in
front of her, then popped out.
Chibi-usa:
I WANT PANCAKES!
Makoto:
AAAHH!
She screamed, falling
backward.
Minako: Holy shit! It's
Chibi-usa!
All but Setsuna took
refuge on top of the long connected line of washing machines. Setsuna
just ran out of the building, yelling,
Setsuna:
Pease porridge in the pot nine days old!
Rei:
Now what are we going to do!
Usagi:
I don't wanna die! WAAH!
Chibi-usa:
RAWR! PANCAKES!
She
roared, making her way over to them with her sharp teeth
bared.
Minako: This is scarier than
Jaws!
Just as Chibi-usa was close
enough and grabbed Usagi's leg, a red rose shot out of nowhere and
stuck into Chibi-usa's huge hair.
Rei:
Gasp!
Makoto:
Gasp!
Minako:
Gasp!
Usagi:
EEE! It's Tuxedo Kamen-sama! He's come to rescue me!
Tuxedo
Kamen stood atop of the soda machine a few feet away.His cape blowing
in the mysteriously present wind.
Makoto:
Where's the wind coming from?
Tuxedo
Kamen: Sorry, I have gas...
Usagi,
Rei, Minako, Makoto: EEEWW!
Chibi-usa
growled and pulled at the rose embedded in her hair.
Usagi:
Quick, Tuxedo Kamen-sama, kill her with a magical attack!
He
stood silently for a moment.
Tuxedo
Kamen: I... Don't have any mgical attacks... All I can do is throw
roses...
Usagi:
Oh...
Makoto:
What good are you, then!
She turned
to the other girls with a grin. They all nodded.
Makoto:
JUPITAA PAWAA, MEIKKU APPU!
Rei:
MAAZU PAWAA, MEIKKU APPU!
Usagi:
MOON PURIZUMU PAWAA, MEIKKU APPU!
Minako:
Oh, we're like, Henshin'ing? I like, thought you wanted to like, get
down and dirrty!
Each of the girl's
stopped dead in the middle of their henshin and stared at Minako with
a shocked expression.
Minako: Okay,
okay, like, chill out... VEENISU PAWAA, MEIKKU APPU!
By
the time everyone had finished Henshin'ing, the bubbles and fizz was
up to their breasts and Chibi-usa had already drown. Her small body
was now floating at the top of it all.
Makoto:
This is not cool...
Minako:
Like, so totally far from cool.
Tuxedo
Mask: Goodbye!
He said, about to
leave.
Usagi: Hold it right there,
mister!
She scolded,
Usagi:
Where do you think you're going!
Tuxedo
Kamen: I'm going to meet my girlfriend, Setsuna at the coffee
shop.
Usagi's face fell.
Tuxedo
Kamen: I'm already late, so if you'll excuse me...
And
with that, he jumped away and disappeared. Tears streamed from
Usagi's eyes and she whimpered softly.
Makoto:
Don't let it get to you, Usagi-chan, I heard he's really a secret
fag.
Minako:
Yeah, maybe Setsuna-san's really a guy in drag!
Rei:
Most guys I know turned out to be gay after I dated them.
Usagi:
But, sometimes, I like fries with my burger. Is that such a
crime!
The three girls exchanged
looks.
Makoto: What?
Usagi:
Hmm?
Rei:
Aren't you upset that Mamoru-san dumped you for Setsuna-san?
Usagi:
No...
Minako:
Then why are you crying?
Usagi:
Because this soap is starting to burn my clit!
When
Usagi brought that up, everyone else began to notice the burning as
well.
Minako: AH!
Rei:
OOH!
Makoto:
OUCH! Let's get outta here!
They all
swam over to the exit and opened the door. A rush of water and white
fizz pushed them out and a block away. Drifting along with them were
their clothes. When the water cleared, and everyone was safely
sitting on the ground, each of them noticed that their clothes had
all landed in a newly formed giant puddle of mud.
Usagi:
WAAAAAAAHH!
Minako:
Dun dun dun! And so our story continues!
Rei
and Makoto twitched.
Rei: NO NO NO!
Pay no attention to her!
Makoto:
The end!
