Chapter Eight

oOo

I do not miss you. I do not think about you when I should be thinking about other things. I do not dream about you at night. I do not feel phantoms of your fingers tracing my skin when I close my eyes. I do not ache in a thousand places you never touched me, nor does the skin burn where your fingers once brushed. I do not pine for the loss of your presence next to me, or the sound of your voice, or the way you look at me like I am the only thing in the world that matters.

I am not brutally aware that you love me only until you are able to find a suitable replacement, nor does it constrict something in my chest to think of you with whom ever it is that you have replaced me with this time, or for that matter, the last time. I am not terrified that you are so fickle that you have forgotten me now that you are not forced to see me every day. I am not afraid that you will never touch me again. I am not plagued by your memory.

I cannot remember a thousand things about the way you look, the exact ebony of your hair, the moss of your eyes, the chapped roughness of your lips, nor the pitch of your voice. I cannot recall every word you have ever spoken to me, not the words you said before "I love you," nor after, the words your silence held. I cannot feel your absence every moment of every hour of every day that you are not with me.

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The first time you said, "I love you," when we had first called our truce, when our fragile friendship first began, I told you not to. I told you it would be better for you to love a pretty little Gryffindor girl, like the Weasley girl you've taken up with, ironically enough, someone who wouldn't hurt you in the end. I only meant to remind you that I can be cruel, and that I cherished the friendship I had so long desired from you, and that I didn't want to destroy it.

You waited after that, for months, for some sign only you or Trawlany could possibly be fool enough to see. And then apparently you saw it, and you kissed me, and it was amazing. But then you asked me to go to Hogsmead with you, and told me you had something you wanted to say to me, and I just knew what you were going to say. I knew it and I tried to tell you not to say it. I did try, you know, to stop it, to warn you, to keep everything from changing so much we could never go back, to keep myself from hurting both of us.

But you wouldn't listen to me. You never listen to anyone. You always think you know better. You just think that if you rush in to things with your foolish Gryffindor courage and your Boy Who Lived luck that everything will be alright. You'd think you would have learned after that mess with Black, but then you never were terribly bright, and you've always underestimated me as a threat.

When you stopped me, put your hand on my arm and pulled me off the road into the trees and stood so close and held my hands and told me that you loved me, were you just too self involved to see the terror in my eyes or feel me trying to pull away? How could you have possibly thought it would all end happily ever after if you backed me into a corner like that? I never wanted you to say it, and you did it anyway. And what was I supposed to do with that?

I was nauseous and my chest hurt and I felt like you'd slapped me and I was going to fall over, so I lied. I told you that I hated you, that you were a bastard, and that I never wanted to see you again. I couldn't tell you the truth. I couldn't say that I loved you and I couldn't just stand there with you standing so close and say nothing and I didn't know what to do and it just came out. I'm sorry that I pushed you away. So sorry that I lied. I'm so sorry.

But it was your fault. Why did you have to go and ruin everything? I suppose it doesn't matter now. Apparently you've learned your lesson. According to your friends you aren't running around making loud proclamations of love to the Weaslette, though you are no doubt shagging her senseless.

Blaise never tells me he loves me. He touches me and I don't feel like I will die. He kisses me and nothing in my chest clenches so tight I think I might never breathe again. His smile doesn't make things muddle in my brain. He is my friend, and he can't hurt me.

oOo

Ron tells me that you blew up your aunt last summer. I nearly died laughing the way he told it. You get into more trouble than a house full of Slytherins and you are still the Golden Boy. But you aren't the only one making mischief. We here at Death Eater Summer Camp can put up some competition.

Pansy, Blaise and I snuck into my Aunt Bella's room and sprinkled her sheets with a concoction made with powdered rhino horn or some such thing that Blaise's uncle thought he might have use for. I don't know why he thinks Blaise is in need of an aphrodisiac that would put a 300 year old mummy into heat, because let me tell you, he is doing just fine in that department. But he did, and we used it and now Aunt Bella is having spontaneous orgasms and can't keep herself standing up.

Uncle Rudolphus had a fit and called her a whore and now she's so desperate for sex she is flirting with the dementors. She's mental, that one. She's going to get herself kissed one of these days and with the way that cackling bitch lords her status over everyone around here, no one will be sending a patronus her way to save her.

oOo

Do you miss me at all? I miss your face. You have a hideous face, common and scarred and I miss it. Those terrible muggle glasses are so thick you could use them for watch glasses in potions, and yet, every face I see without them looks too vulnerable, somehow naked and vulgar. And your hair, atrocious, but the smooth hair of pretty, well kempt boys looks so girlish it makes me laugh.

Blaise has a perfect face. Generation after generation of pureblood breeding went into moulding his cheekbones and smoothing his unblemished skin. His lips are like silk, like a girl's, like mine. There are no calluses on his hands. His hair is dark as yours and it could be wild, but instead it curls into soft ringlets around my fingers when I kiss him. He is always groomed immaculately.

And I hate it all, his face, his hair, his lips.

You told me once that you loved my hair. You wanted to run your fingers through it. Is ginger hair as inviting as blond? Is her hair as mesmerizing as you once found mine? Or do you sit with her in the dark, running your fingers through it and imagining the corn-silk of her hair is the true silk of mine?

Do you prefer the soft swell of her breasts to the hardness of my chest? Hers are barely more than a little boy's chest, but mine is a man's now. The muscles in my body are like yours, long and hard from Quidditch. You could run your hands over your chest, and it would be like touching mine. You could do it when you are alone, and you could think of me, remember me, remember wanting to touch me like you touch yourself.

oOo

A/N: I just wanted to address quickly some concerns that seem to be overriding for many of you. First off, go ahead and hate Harry, he did hurt Draco, and he might have even meant some of it, not all of it, but some. It's very hard to have someone hurt you and not want to hurt them back. My point in saying that you should give Harry a chance is this: Draco hurt Harry first, and though it is childish to hurt someone because they hurt you, we all do it, or at least want to. Harry told Draco he loved him, to which Draco responded, "I hate you." Even a brave Gryffindor would be put off further attempts by something like that. Annnnyway. I still want Harry to hurt as much as Draco, and he does, but we don't get to see it because Draco can't see it.

Also, gah! Somehow behind again. I think this is longer than the chapter.

Chapter One:

MistySpark, thank you. Cute isn't my favorite adjective in the world, but I'll take it and keep it for when I don't' feel good, on my bedside table next to my adorable stuffed animals. MysticWriter13, would you like a tissue? I have the good kind with lotion and aloe in it and everything. Thank you. dmweasley, why thank you. God-Damned, yes, I promise it's going somewhere. Pinky swear.

Chapter Two:

dmweasley, giggle. Xia, we likes our tragedy, we do…what I meant to say is, yes, thank you. Tragic. Eh hem.

Chapter Three:

MistySpark, thank you! I know the chapters are short, but I update fast! No, really the thing is that I tried to group the letters in a logical way for the plot and that makes for shorter chapters because the plot moves much faster in letters than it would if I wrote out everything that happens. L.S.T.P, thank you! And hate Harry if you want! I should make buttons…hmm, something to think about. dmweasley, he is such a woobie!

Chapter Four:

MistySpark, nope, this is all from Draco's POV, so no letters from Harry. I hope that by the end you will get a sense of what Harry is thinking, because hopefully by then Draco will have his head out of his own arse enough to understand Harry a little better. dmweasley, it is kind of sad, isn't it? Ah, well, I do like to see them suffer. Sand3, I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you puke! And what's wrong with the Power Puff Girls! Hee. Thank you.

Chapter Five:

MistySpark, sweet, huh? I'm now deeply offended. Cute was one thing, but sweet! Can't you feel my angsty wrath raining down upon you? I may be force to retaliate with, with…fluffy bunnies or something equally heinous. dmweasley, thank you, again. Hee.

Chapter Six:

NayNymic, yeah, Harry is an asshole, and I hate him, too. He's a total slut puppy. If I didn't know what was going to happen and that he's going to suffer for it, it would ruin the story for me, too. Of course, I do know what's going to happen, so I have some compassion for him, too. Ashes of Stars, thank you, thank you. Empress Kat, Harry is a bastard, and Draco does need him, so even though Harry will get his comeuppance, I'm still keeping him around for Draco when they are ready. I do have a very good idea where this is going, and I think that everyone gets punished enough to make everyone happy. Thank you. Anna, you make me laugh, and I love that. MistySpark, ha! The sweet and cute comments have caught up with you! Mwahaha! Will make all future chapters three paragraphs long as punishment. Ally, thank you, and I did think about Draco angsting about the Dark Mark a bit more but his real objection to it is that Harry won't like it, not that he actually cares about the mark itself, so no angsting without Harry to care. music-spirit, hee, and me, of course. ;) AloraBraken, they are just dumb boys who have a distinct inability to communicate effectively anything besides, "Bugger off." Have fun on Spring Break! dmweasley, me, too, though he did kind of bring it on himself. Still, I do feel bad for him. Sand3, me, too, sister. Me, too.

Chapter Seven:

theTigersFire, do you really think he's going to give someone that kind of ammunition? Ha! Then he'd be all vulnerable, and stuff. And that's bad. I think. Yes, bad. midnightprowler, cheater! Hee. No. I totally agree with you about Draco, but Harry did manage to get a few of his own in and he probably did have the intention for at least a little of it to hurt. But yes, rejecting a boy as much as Draco does is rather mean. And given their past history, I just don't see Draco giving up the goods on the Dark Mark business without Harry actually point blank asking him. And about the bruises, Harry didn't know he was bruising Draco, because Draco always covered them up. And about the smut? Sadly not in this story, hence my ability to post it here. Hee. Sorry. But the stuff on my website is almost all of the smut variety. Of course it isn't of the HP variety, so there you go. Thank you for the long, lovely review! NayNymic, it is an unsatisfactory explanation, but hopefully by the end it will seem less like Harry is just a bastardy-bastard slutbag. MistySpark, yeah, no, not sending the letters, as that would give Harry entirely too much power over him, and having Draco's emotions on a stick already is more than Draco can really tolerate him having. Might be nice if he said something, but then they would live happily ever after and really where is the fun in that? Pixie Goddess1, you are cracking me up. Ferrity little brain. snicker Eh hem. Fefs, no, Draco isn't sending the letters, yes they only kissed the one time, and when Harry told Draco he loved him Draco said, "I hate you," and then Harry stopped talking to him. Yes, they will be together, though I am not promising happily ever after at this juncture. Thank you! Melenna, I will post again soon, I will post again soon. Huh? What was I saying? dmweasley, can I interest you in a, "Fuck Harry, the Bastardy-bastard!" button? SlytherinRomantic, thank you, I'm pleased you like it. Chaeli142, uh, let me look…chapter nine, maybe? Yeah, I think chapter nine. Not promising that they will live happily ever after, though! Self Inflicted, feel free to ask, but I won't answer. Sorry. Thank you. And I never thought about Ron and Hermione writing making Draco more sympathetic, but I'm glad that it does. Ashes of Stars, all in good time! Well, maybe that's stretching it a little. Can you wait for chapter nine? AloraBraken, yes ma'am. Snuffles, thank you so much, and no. He's not that stupid. Or smart. Either way, no. ThrouMyEyes, I love how you say JUST, because, still? Cold-hearted boy. And it would be really mean and weird for Harry to act the way that he does if he was getting the letters, but sadly, he is not. And I'll think about mentioning it, but it does come out later, so I only mentioned it now because reading it as a WiP makes it a bit more urgent to know that. And thank you. FadedInnocence, thank you. And I shall update now, as I don't want any death due to withdrawal on my hands. Ally, I think I can oblige you on both counts. And I so wish I was drunk on wine, too, right about now. My head is killing me! Anna, caught that, did you? Thank you. And no, I have no life. Hee. Actually, yes, but I update fast because I've already written up to chapter 13. Sand3, eep! Again with the sickness! It's probably that it hits too close, because I am definitely not that good. But it would be nice if I was… hee. A girl can dream.