Chapter Nine

oOo

How can you sit there and smile at me like you are my friend, like you and I share a private joke with that bloody twinkle in your eye and your arm around that girl who hates me? I am not your friend, not now, maybe not ever. All I wanted for so long was for you to take away the constant ache in my chest, to fill the emptiness inside me, or merely to make me forget.

But instead you ignored me. Not hard to do when you are so many miles apart that there is nothing left to remind you of me, but I felt the lack of your regard none the less. I could feel your indifference through a hundred miles and more, not hatred or anger, but something worse, more horrible. You had got over me.

Nothing in my life prepared me for the desolation I felt every time I opened a letter from one of your friends telling me how happy you were now, how you seemed more yourself than you had in a year. I doubt that in their miserable Gryffindor way that they meant this to hurt me, most likely they thought it would make me happy to know that you were happy. Because to them, love is wanting happiness for another more than you want it for yourself.

But I'm not a Gryffindor, and that isn't what love is to me. I am a Slytherin, and my love is selfish. I need to see you happy with my own eyes, I need to know that I had something to do with it, and above all I need you to love me, too. It's selfish, so selfish, but I would rather see you aching for me across the room than know that you are happy somewhere else. I'd rather see pain and longing and desperation in your eyes than see you move on and be happy without me. I'd rather you hate me than simply not care one way or another that I am alive.

oOo

Why the fuck are you being nice to Blaise? Have you ever, in your entire life, even spoken to him before? And for that matter, why are you even speaking to me, when you couldn't be bothered to acknowledge that I existed all this time?

If you were jealous you would be hexing him or sneering at him the way that your precious Weaslette does to me, the way I want to do to her. Instead, you are more polite than even the best breeding and manners, of which you have neither, dictate; you go out of your way to be kind to him. You talk to him about me as if I am just a convenient way to bond with your new best pal, talking about my moodiness and my vanity and my bite like old school chums reminiscing over an old professor.

You must be trying to drive me mad. How can you talk about how beautiful my hair is with Blaise like I am not even there? How can it not rip your heart into a thousand little pieces every time you see me, the way I feel when I am only just in the same room as you? I never tormented you this way.

I only hope you aren't expecting me to be nice to the Weaslette after what she did to me on the train.

oOo

There is grass in my hair and a rash on my arse. A latticework of bruises covers my body and I ache every time the fabric of my robes brushes against my skin. Every breath moves some part of me that hurts and reminds me of when last I saw you. I feel as if everything I am was burned away and all that is left is the part of me that loves you.

When can I see you again? My friends hate me and I look like I should be in hospital and I cannot even begin to make myself care about anything but the next time you press your mouth to mine, touch your hands to my body, dangle your hair in my eyes. I should shake you and scream at you and demand you explain to me why you didn't throw me to the ground and show me that this is what it was like instead of looking at me across the Hall with a thousand bodies between us for months, but I'll forgive you if only you will do it again.

It's been hours since you left me and my body craves you already.

oOo

A/N: Now, see, I got them together, just like you've been waiting for me to do. Aren't you happy? What? This doesn't explain a thing and you aren't sure what happened at all? Tough. Be more specific next time. Ah, well, the fun of Death Eater Summer Camp couldn't last forever.

Chapter Eight Reviews

theTigersFire, thank you, and it's a pity he can't see that. Ashes of Stars, thank you. Wonder how long it will take to answer the new questions. Hmm. Chapter Thirteen, I believe. Ally, I actually prefer the cherry things, thank you. And don't you worry, Draco gets punished more, and Harry remains self-absorbed and useless in general. Sand3, I'm glad you are feeling better. I love the Bella potion part, too. It can't all be angst. And don't talk to me about stupid hair in high school. I had green bangs. 'Nuff said. Chaeli142, yep, yep, squirrelly, that's my boy. Malfoy's Kitten, thank you so much. Lady Slone of Snow Mt, Death Eater Summer Camp is my favorite part of the whole thing, really. Hee. But the boys are sweet in a twisted, fucked up kind of way, too. So cute, they are. I could just pinch their little cheaks. But I won't, because I'm not stupid or anything. Pixie Goddess1, heh, me too. We can be sad together. Thank you, and I'll try and string it out a little just for you. thedarkside45, I'm sorry you have to deal with loving the wrong person. That sucks. But I'm glad that it isn't still personal for you, because, twisted much? Yeah, anyway. Thank you, and I'm also glad you didn't throw up. mydogisfudge, thank you. No Harry POV coming to a theater near you, though. You'll just have to wait for the end. MistySpark, thank you, and good on the no more fuzzy bunny words. I'm all tough, and stuff. Yeah, that's it. Just, you know, don't tell my stuffed animals or they may revolt.