Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant.

A Mary Sue Parody

Prologue: The Sorting of the Sues


"A what?"

"A special Sorting Ceremony. Honestly Ron, didn't you read the bulletin this morning?" Hermione asked snappishly as she closed her Ancient Runes textbook set aside her homework. The trio were sitting in their usual spots by the common room fire, Hermione informing Ron about ceremony that supposed to take place tonight which, strangely enough, was in the middle of the year. "Apparently a few new students seem to have enrolled in Hogwarts--"

"In the middle of the year?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Yes, I find it a bit odd, too…" Hermione said, and picked up her copy of Hogwarts, A History. "According to this, there have never been any special sorting ceremonies in the middle of the year; it's the first of its kind."

"How many students are transferring?" Harry asked, setting aside his Potions essay. He'd pretend to make up the properties of moonstone later.

"I'm not sure," answered Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Well, that's a first," Ron quipped, and Hermione sent him a look.

"Well, anyway, we'd better start heading down…" Harry said. "Might want to get good seats, and all that."

----------


It was by far the weirdest Sorting anyone had ever witnessed. There were only three girls, the first girl, "Silvesri, Rayelline" ("It's Ray! Don't ever call me by my full name!") was dressed in what appeared to be a series of very complicated, very meddlesome clothing of red and black with clashing green streaks in her dark hair. When she sat on the stool, snatching the Sorting Hat off the chair, she didn't put it on, but instead yelled at it first (using a string of unnecessary curse words), threatening that she would hex it into the next century if it didn't place her in Slytherin. The entire Hall stared at her.

The Sorting Hat gave what looked like a very irritated look as she then placed it on her head. "HUFFLEPUFF!" It cried out loud, the rip twisted into a smirk, and the girl looked downright murderous. The Hufflepuff table looked mutinous.

The girl screamed a very audible curse and then made a rude hand gesture, ripping the hat off her head and stormed down and sat amidst the Slytherins anyway. They all scooted away from her surreptitiously.

"She wanted to be in Slytherin?" said Seamus Finnigan disbelievingly from his usual seat next to his best friend, Dean Thomas.

"Yes, and her behavior does seem slightly odd…" Hermione said slowly, as if thinking. She quieted quickly, however, when McGonagall, who's nostrils were flared, continued, taking a deep, calming breath.

The second girl, "Petalworth, Amanda," skipped happily over to he stool and jammed it on her head, folding her flowing, sky blue robes in front of her. The Hat almost immediately yelled out "RAVENCLAW!"

The polite applause that followed was suddenly interrupted by Amanda's racking sobs as she continued to sit on the stool with the Sorting Hat still on her head, looking very much as though it'd rather be anywhere else but there. "Just like m-my mum and d-dad!" she wailed loudly, burying her face in her hands and leaning forward as her shining blonde hair fell into her face. "They would b-be so proud of me if they were s-still…alive!" She pulled her knees up the stool and continued on as if she were confiding in a best friend instead of blubbering loudly in front of a large group of dumbstruck teachers and students. "Ohh, it was horrible! My dad was killed by Death Eaters right in front of my eyes! And my mother died of appendicitial-dysfunctional-cholera-inflamatosis! On my third birthday!" She wailed. "And then, when I was ten, my foster parents beat me and then made me prostitute myself for money to help pay bills--"

"At ten?" Ron asked incredulously with a look of pure terror on his face.

"--and my pet cat, Mr. Soggybottoms, was killed by my foster brother's pet basilisk--" she continued, before Professor McGonagall intervened.

"Really, my dear, that's quite enough…" she said to her sharply, then firmly, but gently lifted the hat from her head and trying to help Amanda from the stool.

"You wouldn't understand!" Amanda shrieked, tears pouring down her face. "No one understands me!" She jumped down from the stool and then ran from the Great Hall, blubbering. Professor Flitwick reluctantly went after her to make sure she was all right.

And awkward silence followed. Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and then went on, "Moonstarr, Arilyanne," and the last girl stood up, wearing tight jeans and a--supposedly--fashionably small T-shirt with some sort of witty saying upon it. She looked as though she hoped everyone could read it and marvel at her cleverness. They couldn't, and didn't care too. Mostly, they wondered where her and the other girls' robes were, and why they seemed allergic to wearing them.

As she walked over, she said disdainfully in a tone she probably assumed was under her breath, "This is so much more different that how we sort in America." She placed the Sorting Hat on her head, and continued, "In America, we can do wandless magic too, and most of this stuff comes naturally."

"I'd wish she'd go back to America then," Fred muttered under his breath to George, and Harry and Ron snickered.

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat proclaimed after a while, and the Arilyanne the American smirked smugly and ambled down to the Gryffindor table. They didn't exactly seem pleased to meet her.

"Well, I'd like you all to welcome our new students into our Hogwarts home!" Dumbledore said brightly, smiling at his horrorstruck students and staff. "And, for what is a Sorting Ceremony without a feast…" He waved his arms and food magically appeared across all the tables. "Tuck in!"

No one looked remotely interested in eating. They all, in fact, looked fairly nauseous.