Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. The trio become suspicious of the "Transfer Students" and Special Guest Appearance made by the Walking Author's Note.
"The whole thing seems very strange," Hermione said once she, Ron, and Harry left the Great Hall to head back towards the Gryffindor Tower. They had been discussing the arrivals of the three new girls in low tones ever since they'd left. Eventually the commotion died down and people began to eat slowly, uncertain that there would be any more deranged outbursts or shouting at hats.
"You're telling me," Ron agreed, lowering his voice in case one of the three transfer students happened to be lurking around any corners.
They weren't, but it turned out, as they rounded the corner to head to the Gryffindor Tower, Malfoy was. He was flanked, as usual, by his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, apparently in a discussion of some sort when he stopped suddenly as he spotted the trio, his eyes lighting up as if Christmas had come early.
"Well, well, well…Potty, Weasel, and the Mudblood. Fancy meeting you here," he drawled, a smug smirk on his face as he, Crabbe, and Goyle blocked the way for Harry, Ron, and Hermione to get through to the Tower.
"Bugger off, Malfoy," Ron began as Hermione put a hand on his arm to warn him not to do anything rash while Harry added, "Yeah, and get out of our way--"
"Ooh, The Famous Harry Potter and his pet Weasel think they can tell me what to do," Malfoy laughed, cold eyes twinkling malevolently. "Crabbe, Goyle, why don't you--"
Suddenly a voice spoke out from out of nowhere. "Don't worry, Harry, I'll handle him for you." At that moment Arilyanne came striding into view, her wand raised. Ron groaned and Harry looked slightly annoyed.
"Look, I really don't need any help--" Harry began, but Malfoy interrupted.
"Getting your little American girlfriend to fight your battles for you, Potter?" He laughed.
Arilyanne pointed her wand closer to Malfoy's chest and yelled, "You're just jealous that you can't have me! You can just kiss my ass, Malfoy…but I bet that's what you want, isn't it?" Despite the gravity of the situation Ron and Harry snickered while Malfoy just stared in disbelief. She waved her wand around in a complicated gesture and said some long-winded incantation as everyone stared at her as if she'd lost her mind, but before she had finished, Professor McGonagall came strolling into the hall and spotted her.
"Ms. Moonstarr! Dueling in the corridor on your first day?" She cried angrily, eyes becoming tiny slits. "Why, I've never seen such behavior! Ten points from Gryffindor! I can't believe such behavior from a student who came so highly recommended. Now, get up to your dormitory and let this be the last time I see you doing something like this again." She turned around to face the others. "And you all better go as well. It's getting late and you don't need to be wandering around--"
"That's completely unfair!" Arilyanne yelled indignantly and stomped her foot. Hermione looked scandalized. "I was only trying to stand up for Harry--"
"I didn't need--oomph!" Ron removed his elbow from Harry's side and Harry immediately quieted himself.
"That may be, Ms. Moonstarr, but dueling in the middle of the corridors is unacceptable, and you would do well not to talk back. Now, unless you want to lose more points for your house already, I suggest you head up to your common room now," Professor McGonagall said sternly, and then without another word spun on her heel and left them all standing in the corridor.
Malfoy sent one last look to Harry and the others, and then too turned away with Crabbe and Goyle following him.
In the Gryffindor common room, the trio made it a point to ignore Arilyanne but found this wasn't so easy. She plopped down in the armchair across from them and began talking.
"I'm Arilyanne, by the way, but all my friends just call me 'Anne.'" she began, as if they had been in conversation for hours.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged looks and then smiled weakly at her. Hermione set down her cocoa and said as politely as she could manage, "Er…pleased to meet you," and traded more awkward glances with her friends that Anne seemed oblivious to.
Anne continued on airly, "You're just lucky I showed up in time, Harry. Not that I minded, of course." She smirked and leaned against the chair, turning to Hermione. "I mean, Draco is pretty hot, isn't he, 'Mione?"
Hermione sputtered and choked on her cocoa while Ron patted her on the back, staring at Anne as though she had grown two more heads. "What?! No! He's absolutely horrible--why would I be attracted to someone as vile as him?" she cried, continuing to cough faintly.
"Well, sure, he's bad, but that just adds to the appeal," Anne said, looking at Hermione as though she had lost her mind.
"But you just tried to hex him!" Harry said incredulously.
"Just so he knows who's boss," Anne said, and then laughed. "I'm just playing hard to get!" The trio continued to stare at her. Since the Special Sorting Ceremony, there had been a lot of confused staring going on. "Hermione, what's the matter with you? He's the hottest guy in this school!"
Before anyone could feel properly aghast, a girl suddenly popped in out of nowhere a few feet behind Anne and began yelling at the top of her lungs, "A/N! OMG! Draco is SOOOOOO HAWT! He is TOTALLY TEH SEXXYY!!!11 LOLWTFBBQ!!!11!one!" The entire common room went deadly quiet and stared at the strange girl proclaiming her love for their most hated enemy.
They slowly backed away from her.
"Who the hell is that?" Ron asked, eyes wide. "She just Apparated into our common room!"
"Ron, I told you…you can't Apparate inside of Hogwarts grounds," Hermione said, but without her usual fervor considering what she had just witnessed. "Wait a minute, look at her shirt…" Hermione pointed, and the other's looked as well. On the front of the mysterious, loud-mouthed girl's shirt were the words in sparkly, pink letters "Suethor." Hermione gasped audibly, but Harry and Ron continued to look confused. "Of course! I should've seen it earlier! I have to go to the library, I'll be back as soon as I can!" she said excitedly, and darted out the portrait hole with amazing speed.
"Why does she always do that?" Ron said in an aggravated tone, and Harry could only shrug. They noticed Anne leaving the through the portrait hole some few minutes after, and thought she was either very brave or very stupid considering what Professor McGonagall had said to her only a few moments earlier. Judging from her previous behavior, they decided upon the latter.
After quite a while, the commotion died down as the "Suethor" girl disappeared back to where ever she had come from, Harry told Ron maybe they should ask what Hermione found out in the morning, as it was getting late and they were getting tired, when the portrait hole door suddenly swung open again.
Arilyanne walked in first, chatting excitedly to someone who was entering right behind her. The girl following Arilyanne in was as tall as her, but dressed similar to the girl who yelled at the Sorting Hat earlier and demanded to be in Slytherin. Her clothes where just as equally ridiculous with strange patterns of red and black plaid, unnecessary netting, and too many bracelets and piercings covering her slim, curvy body. Her hair was straight with an array of highlights and colors that would make the northern lights jealous. She wore too much make up and uncomfortable looking boots, but stood there as if she hadn't realized any of this.
"Notice anything different?" the strange girl said, jutting out her hip and placing her black-painted-finger-nailed hand upon it.
Very, very slowly, it dawned on Harry and Ron. "Her-Hermione…?" Ron asked, looking horrorstricken.
"Don't call me that!" she said angrily, and her eyes suddenly blazed red. "It's just 'Mione, now!"
There was another POP! and the Suethor suddenly appeared again, yelling, "A/N! 'Mione's clothes r SOOOOO KEEWWWL! Her n Arilyanne went 2 HOT TOPIC while they were gone & bought 'Mione a whole new SUPERKEWL wardrobe & gave her a MAKEOVER!!!1! She looks HOT & SEXXYY NOW! OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!!one!"
"There's no Hot Topic in England…" Dean Thomas said from somewhere across the other side of the room to Seamus Finnigan, a confused look on his dark face.
"I'm scared, Harry," Ron whispered, terrified eyes still on the girl who claimed to be Hermione as she chatted happily with Arilyanne about the hotness that apparently was Draco Malfoy.
"Me too, Ron." Harry agreed. "Me too."
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Real Author's Note: I'm currently working on formatting the 3rd chapter now, as it is already written, and I just need to get it all "prettified." Reviews appreciated!
