Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes, just to be safe
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. As Ron and Harry try to figure out what's happened to The Real Hermione, Draco now find himself in the Sues' sights.
"Harry, that couldn't have been Hermione." Ron whispered to his best friend once they had finally had enough when Arilyanne and Not-Hermione started making up stupid dares that all seemed to involve getting into other boys' pants . "No one grows that much in the span of a half hour! Look at her!"
"Yeah, something must have happened to the real Hermione," Harry agreed, also keeping his voice low. "We'd better get to the bottom of this, fast…" Harry leaned over his bed and reached into his trunk and pulled out his father's old Invisibility Cloak.
It was around midnight when Harry and Ron entered the library where the Real Hermione had supposedly been last. They found one lone book open on the table and stepped closer and peered closely at it, hoping it would give them some sort of clue as to what happened to their best friend.
"'Canon Rape and the Illogical: The History of Mary Sues?'" Ron read aloud when he flipped to the cover of the book, a puzzled look on his face. "Who's Mary Sue and what has Hermione been reading?"
"I dunno," Harry admitted, and picked up the book, marking the page Hermione had left it on. "Come on, maybe we can retrace her steps…"
They left then, the book under Harry's arm, and began walking down the corridor when Ron spotted something shiny out of the corner of his eye. "Harry, look!" he whispered, elbowing Harry in the ribs once again. They shuffled together under the invisibility cloak, and came across a puddle of dark colored liquid on the floor.
"It's blood…" Harry whispered, his heart clenching in his chest. He felt as if all the air around him had suddenly gone cold.
Surprisingly, Ron laughed. "No, it's not." he said, and bent down, forcing Harry to bend as well since he too was under the cloak, and said, "It's black nail polish. See how it glistens?" Harry stood back up and stared at Ron accusitorily. "What? I do have a sister, you know."
"Uh-huh."
"What?" Ron pressed, and Harry just dropped the subject and pointed out to where the polish made a trail leading away from the library and to the girls' lavatory. They followed it and noticed that it didn't lead directly into the lavatory, but veered off to the broom closet to the right. They checked the corridor to see that no one was coming and opened the broom closet door as it creaked slightly.
"Ah-ha!--oh." Harry threw open the door and found nothing inside it but brooms, mops, and buckets. "You know, I really expected to find Hermione bound and gagged in here against her will…"
"Yeah, me too. Go figure." Ron said with a shrug.
"Back upstairs then?"
"Reckon so."
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room…
Draco Malfoy was determined to get revenge on Potter and his little friends, including that annoying American girl as well. If only McGonagall hadn't shown up he would've shut that annoying bint up with a good hex or four…He was interrupted, however, from his calculated plans of evil and mischief when he suddenly heard a voice from above him. "Fuck. I've fucking heard about you,"
Draco Malfoy looked up from his spot reclining in his favorite armchair and saw the raccooned-eyed, oddly dressed Railea--Realine--Ralenye--whatever her name was--staring over him. "Most have…" he drawled, and looked away from her, uninterested. It was only about time until she started talking to him; the two other transfer students had encountered him today already. Potter's annoying American girlfriend from earlier, and then just after he had left them, he had been cornered by the new Ravenclaw girl who, in all seriousness, asked Draco if he was just masking his romantic feelings towards Potter with anger and generally cruelty. He cursed her but good and went on his way without saying another word. Such idiocy didn't need to be encouraged with a proper response other than a good hexing.
And now there was this one. She continued to hover over him, weird purple eyes narrowed as she awaited a response. When he didn't say anything more, she continued, "I bet you fucking think you're so fucking tough. I was the most goddamn accomplished witch at my old fucking school in the Dark Arts," she said importantly, continuing to hover. Draco wondered briefly if it were necessary for her to curse that much.
"How nice for you," Draco said in a bored tone that Rayelline obviously didn't catch. Instead, she rounded in front of him, and jutted her hip out seductively. Draco thought she looked as though she was about to fall over. "What are you doing?"
"My family's the most fucking well-known pureblood-fucking-family in goddamn England; the Silvesri family." she said, ignoring the question, and putting on the airs of someone who was trying to play hard to get and was failing miserably. "My fucking asshole father, he's a fucking governor, and--"
"Why, might I ask, do you assume that I care?" Draco interrupted, and Crabbe and Goyle showed up then, standing in typical bodyguard stance between Draco and Rayelline. However, instead of behaving like a sensible person when Draco's cronies flexed their muscles threateningly and running for her life, her eyes instead lit up at the challenge. Why these new girls seemed to think they could single-handedly take down both Crabbe and Goyle was beyond him, but it did prove for a bit of entertainment seeing them try.
She whipped out her wand, and dogged a nonexistent blow by doing a series of unnecessary flips about the common room, and then crashed ungracefully into an end table. The Slytherin common room erupted in callous laughter.
She got up then and said a very complicated-sounding hex (complete with complicated-looking hand and arm movements), pointing her wand at Crabbe and Goyle, who were still laughing. Her wand sputtered out some weak putrid green looking sparks, but otherwise nothing happened. The Slytherins laughed even harder.
When she realized none of this was working, she angrily shoved the wand back into her pocket and then pulled out some strange-looking device Draco had never seen before. There appeared to be two parts, one in the shaped of a small, thick saucer, black and sleek. It was connected by a long black string to what looked like skinny black earmuffs.
"Ooh, what's that?" Pansy Parkinson asked, pointing at Ray's strange object and coming over for a closer look.
"It's a CD player, duh." Ray said smugly. "And mine is magical and can work inside of Hogwarts."
"Really?" Pansy said excitedly. "What does it do? What's a see-dee?"
"It's a muggle way to listen to music, duh. Don't you fucking know anything?"
Pansy reddened, but let out a shrill laugh. "You're using a muggle object? Oh, ew! Aren't you afraid of sliming up your hands with mud blood?" She laughed again, saying, "You can keep your dirty, seedy player!" and with that she left Ray, laughing shrilly as her other Slytherin girl friends joined her.
"Oh, yeah, well you're a stupid-ass fucking whore, anyway!" Ray called back, but Pansy had already left. "And you're just jealous!"
"YEAH! PANSY'S JUSS JELLUS! OMGWTFBBQ!!!11!1!one!!" agreed some random girl in a bright, sparkly shirt. Draco decided it'd be best if he just went to bed now; all the stupidity was beginning to give him a headache.
