Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes, just to be safe
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. Harry and Ron continue on their search for the Real Hermione and on their way learn a thing or two about how the Sues react with other residents of Hogwarts.
Ron and Harry had taken turns reading aloud Canon Rape and the Illogical: The History of Mary Sues, growing more and more panicked with each page they read.
"Listen to this," Ron began, a grimace on his face, "'The Preternaturally Perfect Sues have the ability to contort the will and even the appearance of canon characters in order to suit their needs and wants. They also can often warp both time and space in order to do their bidding, and create otherwise impossible relationships that border on incest, pedophilia, and more.' Merlin, Harry! I'd bet you anything that Anne is behind Hermione's disappearance!"
"Yeah, no kidding," Harry said, closing the book. "But we can't confront her now…they've gone to bed and we can't get up into the girls' dormitory; we'll have to do it tomorrow." Ron didn't appear much like he wanted to wait until tomorrow, but saw Harry's point, and they finally retired and slipped into their separate four poster beds, leaving the book on their Harry's nightstand.
When morning came, Harry and Ron hurried downstairs in hopes of encountering Anne but didn't find her anywhere in the common room. They did, however, discover Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown heading towards the door, chatting to one another, probably on their way down to breakfast.
Harry caught up with the two girls before they had left and asked, "Have either of you seen Anne anywhere? Ron and I need to talk to her."
Lavender stiffened and Parvati narrowed her eyes. "Anne who?" Parvati asked with a light scoff.
"The new girl, you know," Ron insisted. "Don't tell me you don't know who she is after that Sorting Ceremony yesterday."
"Why should we pretend to know her when she doesn't want to know us?" Parvati said stiffly.
"What?" Harry asked, confused.
"She rooms with us in our dormitory along with Hermione, and hasn't said anything to us since we've met ." Lavender explained indignantly. "Anne has completely ignored us like we don't even exist!"
"And it's not like we weren't friendly either," Parvati interjected. "We said 'hi' and everything, and she just acted like we weren't there."
"Anyway, we'd better get down to breakfast; we'll catch you later," Lavender said, and pulled Parvati along behind her, and the two disappeared out of the portrait hole. Not long after, Ron and Harry followed suit.
They wolfed down breakfast and left from the table, but still hadn't seen either Anne or "Hermione" anywhere. As they were making their way down the corridor the duo chanced upon a very unfortunate sound: the low, sneering voice of Professor Snape was coming from around the corner of one of the classrooms.
Harry tugged on Ron's sleeve and pointed to the other direction, away from Snape, and Ron agreed with a nod; they didn't need to encounter Snape this early in the morning if they could escape it.
"Aw, come on, Sevvy-Poo!" a girlish giggle followed this exclamation, and Harry and Ron stopped dead in their tracks and traded glances that exchanged the mutual idea: 'Should we laugh or gag?'
Snape's voice was low and menacing. "Ms. Petalworth, as it seems as though your small mind does not have the capacity or ability to sustain this information, let me spell it out for you one last time; you are to either address me as 'Professor Snape' or 'sir,' unless you feel the need to scrub the dungeon floors every night for the next three weeks."
"Aw, Sevvy, don't be like that!" the new Ravenclaw transfer student chirped. "Besides, I'd want nothing more than to spend more time with you! I know you love me, Sevvy, and I love you too!"
"She's clearly daft." Ron mouthed to Harry, and Harry nodded in agreement, both frozen on the spot in masochist curiosity to see how this scene would play out.
They peered around the corner and were taken aback to see the girl making puppy-dog-like eyes at the greasy-haired Potions Master as if he were Cedric Diggory or Roger Davies. Snape looked very much like it was taking all his will power not to hex the girl right there. The two boys almost felt sorry for Snape, but then remembered what a nasty, hateful git he was and quickly forgot about their sympathy.
"Fifty points from Ravenclaw for your sheer stupidity and a months' worth of detention…with Filch." Snape said icily. "I do not know well enough to even form an opinion of you, Petalworth, but as it stands it's not anything short of abysmal as of now. You had best be thankful I don't have the power to expel you for your blatant attempt to defy the teacher-student relationship…not that I could barely even call you a student, as your sheer incompetence to follow basic instructions astounds me. You can rest assure, however, that I will take this up with the Headmaster, and if I ever hear of you writing these atrocious love letters to me ever again, I will make it my personal mission to see you expelled."
There was a swish of billowing robes, and Snape then disappeared down the corridor, away from Amanda, Harry, and Ron. Before they could slink away to wash out their ears with the strongest of soaps, Amanda let out another one of her shrill, piercing wails and slumped to the floor, tears once again streaming down her cheeks.
"Goes from zero to a hundred in a second, that one," Ron said weakly, looking at Harry as if asking him if they should offer help or not to her.
"Why do bad things always have to happen to me?!" she continued to wail, and for a moment Harry and Ron feared she had spotted them and was addressing them with her cries, but then realized she was merely blubbering to herself once again.
"Let's go…" Harry whispered, and Ron nodded and followed, leaving Amanda to weep about the injustices the world bestowed upon the beautiful girl who was just trying to bring a little sunshine and love to everyone, and that if she couldn't win Sevvy's love like this, she'd then have to try something more "drastic." She then rubbed her hands together in a calculating manner and laughed maniacally, but Harry and Ron had long since disappeared by then to continue their search for Anne and "Hermione."
