Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes, just to be safe
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. Harry and Ron finally figure out the Sues weakness, with Special Guest Appearance by Hogwarts' Resident Man-Ho, Roger Davies as a silly plot device.
Chapter Four: The Priorities of Sues
Harry and Ron reached Transfiguration just a few moments before the bell rang, still horrorstruck about what they had just witnessed. They silently agreed to themselves that this Amanda must also be "One of Them," and were sure if that was the case, so was the new Slytherin girl, Ray.
Granted, it had only been their second day with these new girls, but something definitely didn't sit right with them when they spent an entire Transfiguration class with neither Hermione or Anne showing up the entire time. If no one had stopped her, Hermione would've shown up for Transfiguration class even if she were bleeding and in danger of dying of blood loss. (Well, perhaps she would've went to the hospital wing, but she surely would've tried to be back in class the very next day.)
Professor McGonagall seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because when class was over, she pulled both Harry and Ron to the side, waiting for the others to leave and asked in a concerned tone, "Do either of you happen to know if Ms. Granger and Ms. Moonstarr have taken ill?" She handed them Hermione and Anne's make up work and continued, "Ms. Moonstarr has missed her very first lesson--not at all a good way to start off considering the degree of difficulty of these spells--and Ms. Granger seemed to have been quite excited about starting Distortion Spells today. Are they both sick?"
"In a way…" Ron supplied.
When they walked back through the Great Hall to head towards the greenhouses for Herbology, they overheard Roger Davies and Terry Boot talking to one another, Davies looking thoroughly agitated about something.
"…They're challenging my title, Terry!" Davies lamented, his normally handsome face contorted slightly by a look of anguish. "I'm Hogwarts' resident ho--"
"Man-ho." Terry corrected. Harry and Ron suppressed giggles and slowed down to listen, veering over slightly to the side so Terry and Davies couldn't see them.
"--And ever since those new transfer students started shagging with everything that moves, I'm just…I'm just afraid people will forget about me." Davies finished, looking dejected. "I'm Hogwarts' Resident Man-Ho. I have a reputation to maintain, Terry, and these new girls are just…It's because I never got with Cho, isn't it? I should've hit that." Ron looked very much like he wanted to burst out in laughter right then, but at Harry's slightly murderous gaze directed at the back of Davies' head, he stayed quiet.
"It'll be all right, mate. You'll get back in the saddle again, soon enough."
"I dunno…it doesn't even seem worth it anymore; they've been here less than two days and already the rumors are everywhere…Do you know how long it took me to gain my title…?"
Sensing that this conversation was going to continue a lot longer than they had time to sit around to, Harry and Ron snuck out the other way and finally made it to the green houses for their next class.
However, Hermione and Anne never showed up to Herbology. They never showed up to any class until finally at the end of the day when Harry and Ron were in double Potions when Anne and Hermione (if it really was her, which Ron and Harry were beginning to dread that it indeed was and something awful had just happened to her) sauntered into class amidst the stares of everyone there. Ray walked in late as well, and looked rather intrigued that Hermione was copying her odd, uncomfortable-looking attire.
"Her-Hermione?" stuttered Neville, looking anxiously at her. "What happened to you? Where were you today during the rest of our classes?"
"I didn't want to go to any of those boring classes so Anne and I skeeved them off," she said, sneering, as if daring Neville to challenge her. "Besides, hanging out with Anne is so much cooler; she taught me everything about American culture. It's so stupid living here in England where we have to do everything proper and shit."
"But…Hogwarts isn't in England[1]…" Neville said meekly.
"Yes, yes, settle down," Snape said, walking to the front of the classroom once everyone took their seats. He began lecturing them on a new potion they would be beginning today, and Harry and Ron were shocked to see Hermione not paying attention at all, but rather leaning back in her chair and making come-hither eyes at Draco across the room. Draco looked disgusted. Hermione, Anne, and Ray didn't quite seem to pick up on this, as all were flirting in the most shameful and obvious manner.
"Get away from me, Granger." Draco said under his breath when Hermione sidled over to him, unbuttoning her blouse indiscreetly to show off her mysterious-gained cleavage. "What part of 'You're a dirty, filthy mudblood and I want nothing to do with you and actually hoped on several occasions that you die a horrible, painful death' did you not understand? And the same goes to you two!"
Once Snape had set everyone off to work with making their potions ("Poor work as usual, Potter. You'll be lucky if I even waste my time grading this rubbish at all once it's done considering the way it's looking now."), Ron pulled the Mary Sue book from his bag and Harry and Ron began reading through it again, each taking turns checking on the potion so they would at least receive some sort of marks.
"Ah-ha! I found it!" Harry whispered excitedly, and shoved the book close to Ron so he too could read. "Apparently someone cast some sort of spell on Hermione, and it turned her in to one of those Sue-things just like them. And remember what Davies' was talking about earlier?"
"How could I forget?" Ron said with a grin.
"Sues apparently have--what is it?--oh, here it is: inhumanly enhanced libidos."
"Ew."
"You could say that again," Harry said, and grimaced. "But it says right the Sues one weakness…"
"What?" Ron asked, and peered closer at the book.
"Logic." said Harry, grinning. "Apparently, Mary Sues can't stand and are allergic to Logic. So, bearing that in mind, I think I have a plan…if we could get Hermione back to normal first, I think she can help us figure out what to do with the rest of the Sues."
"Brilliant."
Suddenly they felt the presence of another bearing down upon them and it didn't take long before they heard a low, harsh voice say, "Potter, Weasley, your potion seems to be a molted gray when it clearly says on the board that it's to be a powder blue. Five points from Gyffindor and no marks. You are to sit here while everyone else finishes up." Snape evaporated the potion and then walked back off without saying another word.
"Someone's clearly in a bad mood more than usual," Ron said, staring daggers at the back of Snape's greasy head.
"Must be that Amanda girl."
A slightly wicked glint appeared in Ron's eye. "I say we leave her to torment that slimy-haired git for a little while longer…"
With nothing else to do in Potions class now, Harry and Ron spent the remaining time devising their plan while an unsuspecting Anne, Ray, and Hermione continued to try to gain the attention of Draco Malfoy in vain.
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Author's Note: [1] It's not, is it? I always thought it was in Scotland. Do correct me if I'm wrong.
And for my name is anonymous:
parody noun (pl. parodies) 1 an amusingly exaggerated imitation of the style of a writer, artist, or genre. 2 a feeble imitation. verb (parodies, parodied) produce a parody of.
Hope that helps! ;-) Thanks for the reviews; keep 'em coming!
