Wow, it's been a while (read: months) since I wrote on this thing. Sorry 'bout that.

Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing...And now the canon characters are beginning to fight back. Suspense! Not really.
Setting: General HP-verse

Chapter Five: In the House of the Badger, Part I

"You know, we could probably ask Ginny for help, too." Ron suggested as the walked away from Potions, for once not completely worried about their lack of marks in class today. "She cares about Hermione just as much as we do."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Harry agreed. "Come on, she should be up in common room now…"

They climbed the stairs, narrowly avoiding being caught on one that was shifting towards the South Tower, and clambered through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room. When they entered, however, Ginny was nowhere in sight.

"Maybe she's up in her room…" Ron speculated, and went over to ask Colin Creevy if he had seen his sister. Like he assumed, Colin confirmed that Ginny was in her room and would be down any minute.

"Good, I'm sure she'll want to help as well…she couldn't have possibly not noticed what's been going on lately." Ron said.

Suddenly Colin tugged on Harry's robes to gain his attention, and when Harry looked down at him Colin pointed warily up at the stairs to the girls' dormitory. "She's right there," Colin whispered, and seemed to be avoiding gazing in the direction he was pointing.

Harry and Ron simultaneously looked up, pondered the strange girl descending the stairs for a moment with raccoon eyes and too-short clothes, and felt a sense of dread.

"Not my little sister too…" Ron said dejectedly, "Not Ginny…"

"Hold on a sec, Ron…" Harry said, thinking. "If I'm right, in a couple of seconds--"

POOF! The Suethor appeared right on cue, but before she could begin her spiel, Ron and Harry confronted her first.

"What did you do to my sister?!" Ron yelled angrily, gesturing wildly at the girl behind him who was currently showing off her new curvaceous body to Colin Creevy, who looked slightly horrified and turned quickly away from her.

"And Hermione?" Harry added, equally incensed.

"You put them back right!" Ron interjected.

The Suethor stared at the both of them, blinking, and then cocked her head to the side, eyes wide and blank. "OMGWTFBBQ?!" She asked, confused.

"Hermione? And my sister?" Ron said slowly, and pulled Ginny by the arm and presenting her to the Suethor. "What did you do to them?! And you aren't going anywhere dressed like that…if mum found out…" Ron removed his cloak and placed it around Ginny's shoulders, covering her up.

"You can't tell me what to do anymore!" Ginny cried out angrily. "I'm totally hot and sexy now and I don't care what you or mum or anyone else says!" Ginny scrambled out of Ron's grasp, threw off Ron's cloak, and stalked off out of the common room through the portrait hole.

"There, you see?" Ron said to the Suethor indignantly. "That's not my sister!"

But the Suethor only continued to stare blankly in response.

Suddenly Harry was struck with a thought. "Ron…I don't think she can understand us." Harry whispered. "It's like we're speaking two differently languages or something."

"Should we try to communicate with her?"

"I think my brain might explode if we did…" Harry muttered. "No, I have an idea…follow me." They passed up the Suethor and left the common room, her cries of proclamation of the new Ginny echoing behind them.

"So, all right… so what's this brilliant idea of yours?" Ron asked as the made their way downstairs, Harry leading the way. He tucked The History of Mary Sues into his book bag as he went.

"I wonder if any of the other houses are being affected the same way as we are…first Hermione, now Ginny…we couldn't be the only ones, could we?"

After much asking around, they realized that no, they weren't the only ones. Padma Patil told them that ever since the Sues arrived, Cho Chang had turned into a raving bitch, Roger Davies was a shell of his former self, and Amanda was making it her personal mission to shag every willing guy in their house, which so far was a rousing total of zero. Harry and Ron had no intention of talking to the Slytherins, deeming anything that happened to them due to the Sues was well deserved. But when they noticed Malfoy sulking away from the Slytherin common room without his usual bodyguards Crabbe and Goyle, curiosity got the better of them.

Against their better judgment, they walked towards Malfoy, who didn't notice the two of them until they had nearly collided into him. "Oh. It's you two." He said half-heartedly, not a trace of a sneer in his voice. Ron and Harry exchanged incredulous looks. "Look, Potter, I don't really have time for you right now. Zabini seems to have started dating that twit Ray and they're we can hear them all the way down in the common room with their racket and--" Malfoy paused. "--why am I telling you this? You don't know who Zabini is. And I don't even like you."

"Until two minutes ago I didn't even know Zabini was a bloke," Ron muttered.

"By all means I should be hexing and insulting you right and left and making your life a living hell, but ever since those…things…came to the school, I've seem to have just…lost the will to." Malfoy continued, looking almost depressed by this.

"It's more serious than we thought," Harry said to Ron. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I hope not…" Ron said.

"We need all the help we can get."

"Why didn't we ask Padma, then?!"

"What are you two going on about?" Malfoy asked, a slight trace of the old annoyance in his voice.

"Malfoy…just how much to you want to get rid of these new students…?"

----------

"I can't believe we joined forces with Malfoy…these Sues really are turning this place upside down," Ron said as he, Harry, and a very subdued Malfoy walked past the Great Hall and downstairs towards the kitchen.

"We need more help against these Sues, Ron," Harry began. "You remember what Lavender and Parvarti said earlier today?" Harry continued. "About Anne acting like they didn't even exist?" Ron nodded, and Harry went on, "Well, I was just noticing that they treat the Hufflepuffs the same way…no one's even in their house."

"Lucky them." Ron muttered.

"I think their house may be the only ones immune to the Sues…"

"We're going to ask those duffers for help?" Malfoy sneered. "Surely you must be joking."

"Hufflepuffs are stronger than you think, Malfoy," Harry shot back, remembering their collective cold shoulder and angry stares during the Triwizard Tournament. "And they have the advantage of slipping entirely underneath the Sues' radar."

Ron smirked. "They'll never see us coming,"