Title: A Mary Sue Parody
Author: Ashanta
Rating: R for language and themes, just to be safe
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. The first Sue meets her demise at the hands of Hufflepuffs, logic, and a very unamused Malfoy.
Setting: General HP-verse
Notes: Holy crap, I haven't written on this in five months…so sorry readers…if there are even still any out there. I've been drawing so much HP-verse stuff, I kinda forgot I hadn't finished on my written stuff. But enough of my babble, that's not what you wanted to read…
A Mary Sue Parody
Chapter Six: In the House of the Badger, Part II
Harry, Ron, (and to a lesser extent, Malfoy) all looked pleading over at the group of Hufflepuffs sitting across from them in the Hufflepuff common room, seated on cushy chintz chairs and sofas.
The three of them had tracked down Justin Finch-Fletchley as asked if they could have a word with him and the other Hufflepuffs in their common room. Justin met their request with suspicion at first, and a number of times cast an incredulous glance at Malfoy standing calmly there among his enemies, but finally decided to let them follow him in. He did, however, make them cover their ears when he spoke the password.
Now, after Harry and Ron, and to some degree a unenthused Malfoy, explained their situation to the Hufflepuffs, they anxiously awaited their answer.
Ernie Macmillian, diplomatic as always, laughed uproariously in their collective faces. "Oh, so now you want our help?" He chuckled, savoring the irony. "I though we weren't anything but a bunch of cowardly pushovers."
"Ernie, you all are the only ones who can stand up to the Sues," Harry pleaded.
Zacharias Smith, who was leaning against the large armchair Susan Bones was sitting in, spoke suddenly in his usual pompous manner, "Why exactly should we help you? For once being the most ignored house has played to our advantage…why would we want to spoil that? Let all the 'better' houses deal with their own mess, I'd say."
"Oh, shut up, Zach," said the curly-haired Justin Finch-Fletchley good-naturedly, ever the peacemaker. He grinned at Harry and Ron, even smiling ever-so-slightly at Malfoy, and said, "Of course we'll help you. Those Sues are heinous--maybe we don't come in contact with them directly, but we still don't want them in Hogwarts anymore than you do."
Ernie grinned, "I was just taking the mickey out you guys. It's for the greater good of Hogwarts, so of course we'll pitch in to get rid of those girls."
"Yeah, Zacharias is just being a prat," Hannah Abbott chimed in brightly, and Zacharias scowled. "We don't like those Sues much either. Anne was with us in Herbology the other day and the only thing should could manage to say was that the best thing Hufflepuffs ever had was Cedric and…" Hannah trailed off then, looking angry. "Well, anyway, we don't like them."
Susan leaned further back into her armchair and her placed her fingertips together in a steeple. "What do you need us to do?"
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Harry and Ron watched closely as their plan was put into action. Malfoy stared listlessly at the floor and waited, looking as if all the life had been completely sucked out of him; without the will to make Potter and Weasley's lives a living hell, he seemed to be on the verge of blinking out of existence.
As Ray entered the corridor, Harry and Ron nudged Malfoy forward to confront Ray. The pale boy shuffled forward, sighed, and said as if reading off of an invisible cue card, "Ray, you were right all along. You are way too…" he sighed again, and grimaced, "…sexy for me to resist any longer. I must have you." He looked as though each word cause him excruciating pain.
Rather predictably, of course, Ray didn't notice this. "Oh, Draco, I knew you wanted me!" She exclaimed happily, and her eyes suddenly flashed purple. She raised her arms to embrace Malfoy, but he quickly scooted away.
"And yet--" he added more urgently, "I love another as well--I don't know who to choose."
Ray's eyes now burned red. "Who is she? Is it that fucking bitch, 'Mione! I'd Abracadabra her so good…"
Ron blinked. "Doesn't she mean Avada--" Harry quickly slapped his hand over Ron's mouth.
Malfoy turned faintly green at the very thought. "What? No!" He regained his composure after momentarily feeling sick to his stomach and then continued, "Susan Bones."
"Who?" Ray asked, quirking her head to the side like a confused dog.
"Me." Susan said, stepping into view, wand brandished like a sword. "If you want Draco's love, you'll have to fight me for it!" Susan was able to say the line with a straight face, where as if it had been Hannah, she would have giggled hysterically at the very notion. Susan threw a complicated hex at Ray, hitting her square between the eyes.
Ray thudded to the ground, dazed and confused. She pushed herself back up and screamed, "I--who the fuck are you?"
"So you can see me, then?"
"Of course I can fucking see you!" Ray cried angrily, swiping the small trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth--Susan's curse had hit her hard.
"Even though I'm just a minor character?"
"I--wha…?" Ray's eyes went wide in shock, and she turned pale. "Who are you?"
"I thought I told you; Susan Bones."
"But-but…"
"But you can't see someone who doesn't exist, can you?" Susan said smoothly. "Let alone be attacked by them. And you certainly couldn't vie for the love of your precious Draco with a minor character…"
"But…this doesn't make any fucking sense!" Ray cried out in anguish.
"Perhaps not to you…but then again, you are allergic to logic, aren't you?"
There was the usual deafening POP! but this time, instead of the Suethor appearing, Ray vanished into thin air.
The other Hufflepuffs, Harry, and Ron emerged from their places of hiding. "Well, done, Susan!" Ernie said, giving her a hearty slap on the back--she nearly lost her balance from the force.
Ron smirked, "One down, two to go…"
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Author's Note: Eh…I don't really like the way I wrote this chapter as much, but reviews are still very much appreciated! Thank you again for reading and er…sorry it took me so long to update. Stoopid school.
