The
lunch bell rang and the four girls walked down the hall to the
cafeteria.
Makoto:
Usually, after we get our lunches, we sit at the tables
outside.
Minako: Like, Mako-chan
ALWAYS brings her own lunches...
Rei:
At my old school, we could never eat lunch outside.
Usagi:
Wow, Rei-chan, it's so exciting! I still can't believe you
transferred to our school!
Rei
smiled.
Minako: Like, hey, has anyone
seen like Ami-chan around anywhere?
Makoto:
She's in the library studying for an exam.
Rei:
Big dork...
She mumbled, as they
entered the cafeteria and joined the end of the lunch line.
Usagi:
Rei-chan, I heard that!
Rei:
What do you care! It's not like I'm talking about you.
Usagi:
Oh, yeah. You're right.
She said,
giggling. Each of them grabbed a tray and approached the
counter.
Rei: Bakano...
Usagi:
AHAHAHA!
Minako:
That time I think she was like talking about y-
Minako
was cut off by Rei slapping her hand over Minako's mouth.
Finally,
it was their turn to receive lunch. Usagi was first. When she got to
the lunch counter, she began to order like crazy, smiling with her
eyes closed.
Usagi: Hiiiii! I'll
have a chocolate cream pie with five cupcakes - no, make that eight.
Just as many chocolate chip cookies, two slices of pizza, a double
scoop of strawberry ice cream, a bowl of pudding, three rice balls, a
large shrimp salad, and as many bean jam rolls as you can fit onto my
tray!
When she opened her eyes to see
all that she expected to get, what she saw made her gasp and drop her
tray.
S
title screen & title music
Sailor
Moon S
Ami Has a Weird Dream!
The Two Blue-Haired Bitches
Face Off!
Kaorinite:
Would you like anything else to go along with all that?
Usagi:
Ka- Ka-!
Minako:
Like, holy crap! It's Kaorinite!
Kaorinite
broke into her cackle almost immediately.
Kaorinite:
AAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So it's you girls again!
Makoto:
Alright, what are you doing here!
Kaorinite:
Ugh, isn't it obvious? I'm your lunch lady.
Usagi:
You... Are?
Kaorinite:
Yeah.
Rei:
I don't believe her! Something fishy's going down!
Kaorinite:
No, no, really. After you bitches foiled our plan to shroud the Earth
in darkness, us former members of the Death Busters all went our
separate ways. Since none of us have a full education, - Well,
besides that whore, Bidoh Yui-chan, - each of us had to find low
paying blue collar jobs. This is mine.
Minako,
Usagi, Rei, Makoto: Oh...
On the
other side of the room, Ami came into the cafeteria, her face buried
in a book. She walked up to the buffet and purchased herself a
prepackaged Caesar salad.
Usagi:
Ami-chaaaan!
Ami ignored her
'friends'.
Minako: Ugh, she like
totally makes me sick, the way she's always studying!
She
whispered on the side to Makoto. Ami walked over to an empty table
and sat down, eating her salad slowly as she read. The high schoolers
behind the four girls were beginning to become impatient and started
ranting.
Student 1: Hey, hurry up
over there!
Student
2: Yeah, I ain't got all day!
Student
3: I'm hungry!
Student
4: ...I like... Eggs!
Minako turned
to them, explaining,
Minako: As the
wise like Chinese prophet, Unconscious, once said, "It is better
to have loved and lost, like, than never to have seen Lost In Space
at all."
Students
1 - 3: ...
Student 4: ...Me,
too!
Chibi-usa:
No, no! That's all wrong!
Chibi-usa
yelled, climbing out of Usagi's backpack.
Usagi:
Wha- What? What are you doing in my backpack!
Minako:
It is? Like, well, you know what they say, "Never look into the
anal cavity of a horse without having crayons!"
Chibi-usa:
OH MY GOD! What are you saying!
Usagi:
Minako-chan, I don't think you should copy quotes
anymore...
Chibi-usa:
Quotes! Those weren't quotes! Those were twisted, disgruntled, sick,
nasty sentences from a slutty air-headed bleach blonde with a
high-pitched voice and a farfetched dream!
Everyone
gasped and turned to Minako. Minako's once girlishly charmed face and
bright smile hardened and became dark.
Minako:
...Like, excuse me?
Rei:
Uh, oh...
Chibi-usa:
I mean, get with it, Minako-chan! A pop idol! It'll never
happen!
Minako gritted her teeth and
began twitching. Suddenly, she picked her head up and looked at
Chibi-usa with fire in her eyes.
Minako:
Like, NO ONE talks that way about my dream!
Makoto:
Go get her, Minako-chan!
Minako
jumped on Chibi-usa right in front of the whole junior student body
and commenced pounding the shit out of her.
Makoto:
Give her a left! Now a right! Yeah!
The
fight dragged out of the lunch line and the two girls rolled across
the floor. Ami paid no mind to her surroundings at all whatsoever,
and soon, her eyes began to become heavy from lack of sleep and too
much study. Rei and Usagi watched Minako give Chibi-usa a
well-deserved pounding with blank expressions. Usagi turned to
Rei.
Usagi: Should I um... Shout
"IYAA" really loud and dramatically? I mean, after all, she
IS my future daughter.
Rei:
No, you've done that in too many episodes. Let's just sit and
watch.
She said, waving her hand at
Usagi, trying to shut her up. Just then, Hotaru busted through the
lunch room doors and shouted,
Hotaru:
Kaorinite is in the cafeteria making potato salad!
Then
she went over to the food counter and got a scoop of Kaorinite's
special.
Usagi: Potato salad!
The
preppy blonde turned to Kaorinite.
Minako:
You're making potato salad!
Kaorinite:
Yes. It's today's special. Don't you read the lunch menu?
Usagi:
Oh, yummy! Yummy!
She yelled, jumping
up and down, clapping her hands. Minako got off the half-dead
Chibi-usa and she and Usagi ran over to the lunch line again, pushing
Students 1 through 3 out of the way.
Rei:
Uhh...
She moaned, putting her hand
on her forehead.
Makoto: I could make
potato salad better than that whore anyday!
Usagi
and Minako came running back from the line and huddled around
Makoto.
Minako: Like, oh, yeah! I
like, forgot you knew how to like, cook!
Usagi:
Make us some! Make us some!
She
yelled, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Hotaru ran around
the cafeteria with a hunk of potato salad piled onto her tray,
shouting,
Hotaru: I'm eating
Kaorinite's potato salad!
Usagi and
Minako bolted back over to the lunch line. Rei sighed. She and Makoto
proceeded out of the cafeteria and into the courtyard.
Rei:
Blondes... What are you going to do?
Makoto:
I'm just glad I wasn't born blonde.
Suddenly,
Rei was tapped on the shoulder. She turned around.
Haruka:
Heh heh!
Rei:
I knew this had to be comming...
She
said with a heavy sigh.
Michiru:
Hello, my hom... ies?
Makoto:
Did you just try to say 'homies'?
Michiru:
Like, totally!
Rei:
The blue-haired girl's got it, too...
Makoto:
She's talking like Minako-chan!
Haruka:
Michiru bought "Hip Language" tapes so she could keep up
with today's cool phrases! They were only $4.99!
Rei:
You sound like a commercial.
Haruka:
...So buy now!
Makoto:
Was "Like, totally" in the millennium edition?
Michiru:
What? What's a 'milamum'?
Makoto:
Nevermind...
Michiru:
I forgot what year it was, so I bought 70's, 80's, 90's and 2000's
tapes!
Rei:
You do realize that in order for it not to be the 70's, 80's, and
90's, each one has an increased year after?
Haruka
and Michiru looked at each other, then looked back at Rei.
Haruka:
Hmm?
Makoto put her hand on her
forehead.
Rei: Oh boy...
Just
then, Minako and Usagi came running out of Hotaru's house and went
over to their friends.
Michiru: What
is up, niggers?
Haruka:
No, it's "What's up, niggahs!"
Michiru:
Oh, my bad.
They both giggled at
themselves. Usagi and Minako exchanged confused looks.
Usagi:
I thought we were white?
Haruka:
Yo, dude, that's phat!
Usagi:
I am not fat!
She screamed, placing
her hands onto her hips.
Rei: You
should be, the way you eat...
Minako:
No, Usagi-chan. Like, I think she's like trying to speak ghetto... Or
something.
She stated, coming
outside.
Usagi: Ghetto? MMM! That's
sounds yummy, yummy!
She clung onto
Makoto, whining loudly.
Usagi:
Mako-chan, can you make me some ghetto!
Makoto:
Uhh... No?
Usagi:
Oh... WAAH! WHY NOT! WAAH!
Rei:
Usagi-chan!
She roared, smacking the
crybaby over the head with Haruka's shoe,
Rei:
You can't EAT ghetto!
Usagi
temporarily ceased her bawling.
Usagi:
You can't?
Minako: No, but like, you
can eat cakes and cookies and muffins and...
Michiru:
Wow, that all sounds so radical and groovy!
Haruka:
Right on! ...Can I have my shoe back yet?
Rei
threw the shoe at Haruka. It hit her in the head.
Haruka:
Hey! Now I remember!
Makoto:
Remember what?
Michiru:
Oh! Me, too! I remembered, too!
She
shreiked, jumping at Haruka, excitedly.
Makoto:
Remembered what?
Haruka:
Duh! We remembered what we remembered!
Makoto
& Rei: REMEMBERED WHAT!
Haruka
and Michiru sat silently for a moment.
Haruka:
All your yelling and screaming made me forget!
Michiru:
I'm with stupid!
She said, pointing
at Haruka.
Usagi: Well, I
know.
Haruka:
How do you know?
Usagi:
You called me before and told me your plans for the day.
Michiru:
Why did you do that, Haruka?
Haruka:
I was hoping she'd stalk me for a while, then pounce and rape
me.
Minako:
Like, oh my God! Ew!
Haruka:
Shut it, prep!
Minako:
Make me!
Michiru: Haruka, how could
you even think of cheating on me! ...Again!
Haruka:
Well, I-
Michiru: That's why we go to
therapy! 'Cuz you can't keep your hands off other women!
Rei,
who along with Makoto, was beginning to become tired with all this
bickering, stepped in between the arguing couple.
Rei:
BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!
Usagi:
WUAA! How scary!
Everyone fell
silent.
Rei: Now, Usagi-chan, where
are Haruka-san and Michiru-san going?
Usagi:
I can speak?
Rei:
Yeah.
Usagi:
You're not gonna yell at me?
Rei:
No.
Usagi:
You sure?
Rei:
DAMMIT, USAGI-CHAN!
Usagi:
WAAAAH!
She cried,
Usagi:
Why do you always have to yell!
Makoto
and Minako put their arms around Usagi and comforted her. Rei crossed
arms and sighed, sickened at the fact that Usagi always turned out to
be the good guy just by shedding some tears. Just then, Setsuna came
parachuting down from the sky, wielding a machine gun.
Setsuna:
I am the Setsunator!
She shouted,
firing bullets down at them. The six girls scattered, running around
in circles and screaming. Setsuna landed on the table nearby and her
parachute collapsed on top of her. Everyone stopped and stood,
quietly, waiting to see what Setsuna's problem was. The parachute was
suddenly shot open and Setsuna stepped out and walked toward
them.
Setsuna: I am the Setsunator. I
am here because there are too many people in this story! I have to
kill some of you off.
Minako:
Like, you totally can't kill me because I like have cheerleading
practice AND volleyball practice like after school.
Setsuna:
You are too preppy! You must die!
The
Setsunator aimed and shot at Minako.
Usagi:
WUAAAA! Minako-chan!
Usagi began
flipping out. Michiru and Haruka clung to each other in
fear.
Setsuna: Do not be frightened.
I can't kill you two even if I wanted to.
Michiru:
W- Why?
Setsuna:
Because if I did, I'd be antigay.
Hotaru:
Is that a bad thing!
Setsunator
turned to the little loudmouth who did not even belong anywhere near
the high school, given the fact she's only about 11. Then she opened
fire, filling the little girl's body with lead. Hotaru fell to the
ground.
Makoto: Holy shit...
The
brawny brown-haired girl bolted and didn't stop running until she
reached her home.
Usagi: I'm
SCARED!
She whined, hiding behind
Rei. The Setsunator pointed the gun at Rei.
Rei:
YAAA!
She ducked and the gun went
off.
Usagi: AAAH-
Ami
shot up in her bed. The dim sun pierced through her curtains and
shone on her face.
Ami: Wow. What a
weird dream!
She climbed out of bed
and looked over at her alarm clock which read "4:30pm".
Ami:
What! Wait a second...
She thought
for a minute, then called,
Ami:
MOM!
Her mother staggered into Ami's
room in a flimsy see-through nighty and a cocktail in her left
hand.
Ami: What's going on! Why is
it afternoon!
Ami's
Mother: You don't remember?
Ami:
What are you talking about!
Ami's
Mother: You fell asleep in lunch today. Your friends tried to wake
you up, but you wouldn't budge. Even the nurse tried to get you up
with no success. The principal called me and I had to come get
you.
Ami:
I did! You did!
Ami's
Mother: Yes. Your friends came over a little while ago, but they
didn't stay long.
Ami:
Some friends!
Ami's
Mother: Oh, they would've stuck around, but you know how Caesar salad
gives you gas...
Ami blushed.
Ami:
Mom, shut up...
Ami's
Mother: I swear, an hour ago, this room was a huge green cloud.
Ami:
How embarrassing!
The phone in the
hallway began to ring. Her mother left the room to pick it up.
Ami's
Mother: Ami, honey, a girl called 'Harkura's calling.
Ami
ran to the phone, pushing her mom out of the way.
Ami:
Harkura?
She listened quietly as the
lesbian spoke.
Back at Haruka and Michiru's apartment, Haruka
talked on the phone with Ami. Michiru sat on the windowseat in their
apartment, overlooking the bustling town below. Suddenly, a fly began
buzzing around her head and Michiru slapped it away. Minutes later,
it was back and resumed irritating Michiru. She waved the fly away,
but it kept returning.
Michiru: Do
flies ever stop buzzing and just chill out, or is that like unheard
of to them!
Haruka didn't answer.
Michiru followed the annoying fly around her with her eyes, watching
impatiently as it zoomed back and forth in front of her
face.
Michiru: Tell her I wanna race
her!
Haruka:
Well, Michiru wants to race you.
She
said, still talking on the phone. Haruka saw the fly and took a swing
at it.
Michiru: You missed...
Haruka:
Damn!
They both continued to attempt
to kill the fly. Michiru giggled at Haruka.
Her eyes became
slits as she listened.
Ami: I'll be
there.
And she hung the phone up with
a serious look on her face. Then she farted.
Ami's
Mother: Ugh! Was that YOU!
Ami:
Ehh, erm... No?
Haruka:
I don't know why you wanna race dat Bitch. She's so ugly. I wouldn't
wanna be in the same room with her, let alone the same pool!
Michiru:
Yes, but-- AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! GIANT FLY LESS THAN THREE INCHES FROM
ME! OH MY GOD! IT'S SOO GROSS!
She
screamed, noticing how disgustingly large the fly that had been
tormenting her really was. Haruka grabbed a can of hairspray off the
table next to her and sprayed it. The fly was coated in the sticky
fluid and stuck to the window, dying shortly after from the noxious
fumes.
Michiru: Sorry, I just got
really freaked out.
Haruka:
I guess we can go now and show that whore who's boss of the
water!
Michiru:
Yeah, I was going to say that, but was rudely interrupted...
Haruka:
Kick her ass for me, Michi.
She said,
as they walked out the door in linked arms.
Ami showed up just
after Haruka and Michiru arrived. Michiru and Ami stripped down to
their bathing suits.
Michiru: EEWW!
What is THAT!
She screamed, pointing
at Ami's thigh.
Ami: Oh, that's just
my digustingly large, overgrown, brown, hairy mole.
Michiru
stood with a shocked and grossed-out expression. Ami smiled, then
jumped into the pool, splashing around. Michiru looked up at Haruka,
who was on the high-dive and gulped.
Haruka:
You two ready? I'm beginnin' to get sick off Ami's scent.
Ami:
I'm ready! I'm ready!
Michiru slipped
into the water, keeping her distance from Ami. Ami still splashed
around like an idiot, flipping, turning, and hopping around in the
water.
Michiru: CLICK You must have
been a dolphin in your past life.
Ami:
Hehehe! Let's race, Bitch!
Haruka
looked down at them from the high dive. Her feet dangled over the
edge.
Haruka: Look at my fungus!
Ami
patted her flat chest and Michiru rolled her eyes.
Ami:
I have non-boobs...
Haruka: See? I
have a fungus! Look at my fungus!
Ami:
Shut up and flag, you fag!
Haruka
stood up and waved her hands abover her head.
Haruka:
GO!
She shouted. Ami and Michiru
shot off across the pool. Under the water, Michiru could see Ami. She
thought to herself.
Michiru: She
swims like a disabled person! I have to beat her! 'Cuz I'm a
lesbian!
Ami said stuff, too.
Ami:
Stupid copycattin' blue-haired whore! DIE! DIE! DI-
Her
face became red and Ami began choking on the water she inhaled while
talking underwater. She jumped up for air, but was immediately
pounced on by Haruka.
Haruka: Go,
Michi, go!
Michiru reached the other
end of the pool and got out of the pool. Haruka swam over to the
ladder and climbed out as well. As soon as Ami resurfaced, Michiru
pointed at her and started yelling.
Michiru:
Genuine race! You hurt my feelings, Ho!
Ami:
I tried to drown on purpose so that the monkeys could dance the
Macerana!
Michiru:
Stop your lyin', whore! Why didn't you die!
Ami:
My mother is a great doctor! Blah blah blah!
Michiru
turned to Haruka and they made out.
Michiru:
Tell me something sexy!
She fiercely
demanded.
Haruka: I have a
fungus.
She said, softly and
seductively.
Michiru: Keep talking
like that and I might have an orgasm right here.
Haruka:
Lick my fungus and eat it with a spoon.
Michiru
grabbed herself, moaning.
Michiru:
Ooh!
Haruka:
My fungus is green and crusty.
Michiru:
Ohh... Oh! Ooh!
Haruka:
It crunches between my crooked toes when I walk.
Just
then, Michiru threw her head back, wildly groaning in pleasure. A
white liquid leaked from her bikini and streamed down her thigh and
leg.
Haruka: Michi 'gasm'ed!
Ami:
Or!
Haruka:
'Gasm!
The three of them giggled.
Michiru went over to a nearby chair and picked up a towel that lay
across it.
Michiru: Is this yours,
Haruka?
Haruka:
Nope. I think it's the straight girl's.
Michiru
wiped away the cum with Ami's towel and tossed it over to
her.
Michiru: You can have this back
now.
It fell next to Ami in the
pool.
Ami: Thanks! Now I have a new
toaster!
Just then, Haruka began
throwing up. It splattered into the pool and she kept hurling as she
stood on the edge. Ami swam around in it.
Ami:
I need practice! I have to beat you, lesbian!
Michiru:
Gotta catch 'em all!
Haruka had
almost completely filled the surface of the pool with puke. Ami kept
swimming.
Ami: Tastes like
applesauce!
Haruka grabbed Michiru's
arm and held it into the air.
Haruka:
My Ho wins!
She shouted. Then Haruka
turned to Michiru.
Haruka: I knew
you'd beat her ass.
THE END
Usagi:
Wow! I didn't know Ami-chan was such a freak!
Rei:
Uhh, I did.
Minako:
Yeah, Usagi-chan, like, where have YOU been!
Usagi:
Right here!
Minako: Your mind like,
totally wanders... Oh! is that skirt designer!
Haruka:
It's that damn hairstyle, I tell ya! It's taken over her
brain!
Usagi:
HARUKA-SAN, NOBODY ASKED YOU!
Makoto:
Well, I thought it was a fun episode.I got to beat up
Chibi-usa!
Setsuna: And I got to kill
you all!
Minako:
That was like, only in Ami-chan's totally demented dream!
Michiru:
Well, I won in real life.
Makoto:
Yeah, cuz you're little miss perfect!
Michiru:
Jealous?
Makoto:
No way! Cuz I've got the biggest boobs out of all of us!
All:
UNFAIR!
Haruka:
I don't want boobs...
Ami:
Do I get to say something?
All:
NO!
Usagi:
Sailor Moon Says!
