Shattered Soul

Author: Pilotslover

Disclaimer: All characters that are recognisable are property of their creators, the good folks who made FF IX. Thank you people for creating the characters! New characters, and what's going on, are mine.

Rating: Ack, I hate ratings, by the BBFC (British board of Film classification) this'd be a 15. However, such a rating is not available, so I've no idea at all.

Chapter one - The note

Authors note: I really can't justify what I've done this time, sorry.

Warning: This fic deals with suicide. I didn't want to put this on the start but sometimes it needs be done.

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'Lost from within,

Pursuing the End,

I fight for the chance to be lied to again.'

- Lies - Evanesence

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I've watched all of my children die, but three years after I gave them life.

Life, it seems like a shadow, an illusion, a dream that someone else is having! Death in comparison seems to be so stable, so secure, so definite. Nothing more then death can happen to you. Life is riddled by insecurities, improbabilities and inconsistencies; but we all know one thing is going to happen, it lingers over peoples shoulders and it never goes away. It is death.

Before my sons died, I didn't used to think like this; my mind was more childish, my way of looking at things was so naive. But, it drifted apart as my sons did the same. There were six of them, each one tearing away a misconception I still had about what stopping was.

Life isn't loving, life isn't happiness and life isn't friendship; life is having those torn around you torn away by something you can't escape, beyond the reach of hope and tears and magic. Each death tears a part of your soul; each extinguished light is a hole in my heart. Life is nothing but death, but tears of grief cried at night to an uncaring, unhearing universe.

But a shadow of a dream.

People curse at death for claiming life, for taking a loved one from them; I yell at life for making us suffer so much pain. Death is a release, a way to avoid the pain of watching others die. People fear death, scared of losing their own lives. I don't fear it, life was given me for one purpose - one I never fulfilled.

You never saw my scars; it took them to show me what I've always wanted to know; them and the scars no one can see. I used to ask how you proved your existence, now I know. Existence, life, isn't proved by being able to move, or by deeds; it's proven only by pain, by unexplainable sorrows. I cut myself and it bleeds, but the wounds I speak of are those in my heart and soul not the empty ones on my skin.

My heart is a puzzle, the pieces are scattered and lost; each new piece removed is like the first one but after each time I go on, hunting down the next hurt like a beast after its prey.

A being can take only so much pain, so much hate and death before it cracks, before the puzzle can no longer be made. I was a child, throwing myself blinding towards truths that would lead to my downfall. A truth that would hurt more then any physical wound.

I'm not blaming any of you. I've reached the end, I can't keep myself going any more; life offers itself to people and they take what they will from it. The simple way to justify this is that I'm not a person like any of you. I'm a collection of souls seeking rest and now that rest will come. I was never a life in my own right, I was never my own unique being, I was an illusion. A being of darkness and of pain, of shattered pieces and half-remembered lies.

My last act will be to leave.

The pain will be fleeting. I go to see my sons and the other mages, to die alone as the last of my kind. I love you all very much but even love can't restore my shattered heart.

Vivi

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Authors note: Please don't hurt me, please. Originally, this was going to be a one shot but I don't think people would be happy with me if I left it like that.