"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss"
Chapter Four- The Truth
By darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.
A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.
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When Hakkai returned, Gojyo was still awake, still smoking and apparently waiting for him. He felt nervous under the steady, unflinching gaze of his friend's crimson eyes. He gave Gojyo one of his tentative, uneasy smiles.
"Hakkai," Gojyo said, rising from his place on the bed. "I don't have an answer for you. I'm sorry."
Hakkai's smile never faltered. In fact, it became even easier for him to maintain, as he was used to submerging his pain and hiding it with a wall of false optimism.
"Oh, that's alright. Please don't go to any trouble just for me."
"Don't do that," Gojyo said, crushing his cigarette in the ashtray by the bed.
"Don't do what?"
"Don't lie to me. I hate that shit, especially from you, Hakkai. I didn't say I don't want an answer. I'm not rejecting you yet."
This time Hakkai's smile did falter, finally vanishing from his face as he dropped all pretenses and let the brutal honesty of his emotions come forth.
This Hakkai was one Gojyo didn't see very often. This was the man Hakkai was afraid of, and it was perfect that this man be present for what he was going to say.
"I don't know what love is, Hakkai. My past doesn't set a very good example. How can I give you an answer if I don't know how to spot it? I know love is having faith in someone. You and I… we have that. But is it love? I don't know."
Gojyo gazed silently at Hakkai for a long moment, steadying himself. Hakkai didn't move, didn't speak… he just waited.
"I want to know. I never thought it would matter. No- I convinced myself love didn't matter to me, but the truth is… love is all I ever really wanted.
"So I guess the question is… is the love I've been searching for right here under my nose?"
Gojyo approached Hakkai slowly, holding Hakkai's gaze with his own intense stare, until he was standing directly in front of him. The air between them was charged with sexual tension, and it made his skin tingle with awareness. He leaned in close, within easy kissing distance, letting the feel of Hakkai's warm breath on his skin wreak havoc on his senses.
"Show me," he whispered, his lips almost brushing against Hakkai's with every word. "Show me what love feels like."
Then their lips met and Hakkai's response was lost in a storm of passion.
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Sanzo walked back to the room he was sharing with Goku and paused outside the door, one hand resting on the rough wood.
A small sound caught his attention, coming from the room Gojyo and Hakkai shared. He'd heard that sound before- a few times. Things were apparently going better for them than they were for him right now.
He was surprised to discover he was faintly envious. They were morons, but at least they weren't cowards, afraid to experience the passion inherent in every living being.
And that was the painful truth, wasn't it? The closer he became to Goku, the more powerful his body's desires grew. His control of them was weakening and he was afraid.
He wasn't prepared to face the monkey again, but he couldn't stay out here in the hallway all night either. He refused to run from this again. So he entered the room and shut the door quietly behind him.
Goku was curled up on the bed, facing the wall. He didn't move when Sanzo entered the room, though the monk knew he was awake.
Sanzo removed his robes and folded them neatly, placing them on a chair near his bed. Sandals and socks followed soon after. He settled himself down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, thoughts and emotions churning inside of him.
"Sanzo?" Goku said, almost whispering.
"What is it?" Sanzo asked, voice lacking its usual sneering disdain. He didn't have the heart to be crueler than he'd already been that night.
"I'm sorry. Whatever I did, however I hurt you… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."
Sanzo knew Goku was crying. He could hear it in his voice. But he spared Goku the embarrassment of having those tears acknowledged.
"It's over. Let it go."
"I- I can't. I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you. I shouldn't have touched you. I know that. I'm just so… so stupid, and I'm sorry."
Goku was really crying now, shoulders jerking and body shaking with his sobs. Sanzo sighed and sat up, facing Goku, who still kept his body turned to the wall.
"Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once. I overreacted earlier. It has nothing to do with something you did wrong. You shouldn't blame yourself for the actions of others."
Goku sat up and looked at Sanzo, face streaked with tears and eyes wide with surprise. He was sniffling now, trying to stop his crying.
"What can I do, Sanzo? What can I do to make this better?"
He looked so lost, sitting there and trusting the monk to tell him what was right, and Sanzo's heart softened the slightest bit. How could he not trust this most innocent and guileless of creatures? Goku was completely devoted to him. He knew that. Goku would rather die than harm one hair on his head. If he couldn't bring himself to trust this young man before him, who could he trust?
He wanted so much more than he had right now. He wanted what Goku had so readily offered. He'd been so long without a connection of any kind….
He wanted this connection to Goku.
"Come here," he said, a little gruffly, but Goku moved towards him anyway, completely trusting.
Sanzo reached up and took Goku's hand, pulling him gently down onto the bed. Goku sat next to him, their bodies touching, but he didn't move to touch the monk, who was grateful for that. He needed to move at his own pace, adjust himself to this new set of emotions at his own speed. He didn't want a repeat of his earlier panic.
Sanzo ran his fingers over Goku's cheek, studying the feel of the monkey's skin. He could feel the first stirrings of desire in his gut, and he forced down the swell of fear that accompanied it. He would not lose control, so there was nothing to fear.
Goku sat still while Sanzo touched him. He had never experienced anything as deeply intimate as what they were doing right now, and it made him happy that the man he loved would allow himself to let his guard down just a little. He wanted Sanzo to know he wouldn't hurt him. No, he needed Sanzo to know that.
So he sat quietly while Sanzo used him to explore his own feelings and conquer his own insecurities.
And eventually, Sanzo kissed him. It was just a feather-light brush of his lips across Goku's, but the monkey's heart sang with the joy of it.
And after awhile, they grew sleepy and held each other while they dreamed.
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I asked for it, and did I receive or what.
Hakkai poured everything he had into our lovemaking. I feel like he was holding back all those other times, like he hadn't wanted to show me the depth of his own feelings, but not so this night. It was… impressive.
It touched me. His emotions were so raw and open…. The idiot's been holding them in for way too long. I could feel them. They washed over me like some powerful tide of raw energy. And now I know how strong his love is… and what it looks like.
And do I see that in myself?
Yeah… I think I do.
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Sanzo held me all night. His arms were around me when I woke up. It was heaven.
I thought maybe he'd still be angry with me, but it turns out Sanzo is even more brutally honest with himself than he is with us.
He loves me. I can feel it now, with every look he gives me and every touch he bestows.
I don't know where this is going, but I know it's someplace good.
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I will not be afraid anymore. I've been weakening myself by cutting myself off from any emotion that threatened my self-control. I won't do that any longer. I have no need to protect myself in that way. I am strong. I will be whole if it kills me.
I can't ignore or suppress my feelings for the monkey any longer. To do so would risk losing him, and he's a part of me now, a part I won't ever let go of again.
So to hell with all of you. I'm following my heart.
It's the only path I care to tread.
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I am… happy.
Gojyo and I shared something quite… special… and I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Who knew love could be this free?
I know now that all of my fears were ungrounded. Gojyo was already in love with me, he just didn't see it for what it was. And I understand why that is. I do. I'm just so thankful he found what he was looking for with me.
I know I must look positively foolish. I'm absolutely glowing with happiness and I can't help it. I just want to laugh, to call my joy out to the sky and all the heavens.
I am in love and it is beautiful!
I almost didn't recognize myself in the mirror this morning. The smile on my face was so real I couldn't believe it was mine. Not even this whole situation with Goku can bother me now.
After all, a kiss is just a kiss, and we have so much more.
