Chapter Five - Unexpected Understanding
Author - Pilotslover )
Disclaimer - I don't own FF IX, Vivi'd be the main character if I did. I do own the concept, and the names of Vivi's sons, so please ask if you want to use this fic or anything within it.
RefugeofSouls - No he didn't deserve it, I'm a horrible mean person. However, I'm a mean person whose about to update!
LottiRebel - I don't like making people cry ... (gladly accepts lollipop) Yay. Thanks.
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Alexandria Castle was trying to exude a sense of normality upon the Hilda Garde IV's return; there was no need to panic the citizenry into worry for the Black Mage; as with all the peoples of Gaia, the citizens of Alexandria regarded the party of eight as heroes. No one had been so widely loved as Vivi and Eiko, the two youngest heroes, the two many people saw as the bravest because they had faced all the trials of a risky journey before they had even hit puberty.
For Vivi, the usual calamity of growing older was worsened by having to care for six boisterous but loveable Black Mages. He took it well, throwing himself into caring for them and devoting his time to them; losing each of them within a month of one another had slowly torn him up inside. The outpour of grief from people who did not even know them personally was huge. Everyone knew how much like Vivi the boys were, how much of him they represented, contemplating life without them was virtually impossible.
Of course, now they had stopped, people had to learn to cope. Zidane and Garnet had tried to be there for Vivi but he had retreated into a world of his own, seemingly not wanting support from anyone until he was ready to claim it. Now, such support would be forced upon him, people did not want to risk losing one of their heroes, no matter how much pain he was feeling.
Upon his return to the castle, Tot had settled Vivi into one of the medical treatment rooms; the mage had flitted in and out of consciousness for the whole trip but now he was awake a good deal of the time. Awake to some degree anyway, he refused to talk to anyone, he did not cooperate with his treatment and he avoided eating whenever he could. Waves of anger, pain and grief washed out from him; his eyes refused to shine brightly as they had done in the past but Tot was heard to link this to blood loss and not to emotions.
It was certainly beyond him to deal with any of his companions, his emotional defences had been ripped away by the boy's death and his suicide attempt had been his way to cope with things. In his mind, he was keenly aware of the disgust others felt towards him; this was only in his mind, the disgust was nothing more then sympathy and guilt on his friend's behalf.
The room he was in smelt of stale blood, a worrying scent to smell around a boy of Vivi's age. Someone tapped on the door with a knuckle but went ignored; all too used to people ignoring him, Amarant walked in without the mage's blessing. Listless yellow eyes flickered towards the door before the boy rolled onto his other side. "You can manage turning then?" The mercenary asked without any real interest, he was not expecting a reply.
"There's something I want you to hear, I don't care if you take it in or not." He lent against the door, in part using his body weight to hold it shut in case someone tried to enter. "When I was a bit older then you, my - hmm - a woman I lived with tried to kill herself, cut herself like you did. The guy I used to fight sowed her up, kept an eye on her but she died." He snorted a slight laugh; this drew no reaction from the mage. "I used to think it was my fault, I soon got over that. She changed her mind just before she died, she seemed to be getting better but then she gave up, again."
The Salamander folded his arms across his broad chest, "She was a weak woman, that's what he taught me. She was weak in the head and she beat up her body to make it better. '99 outta 100 times they ain't worth savin',' He used to say and I agreed with him."
The ball of pain, anger and bitterness that had once been the boy hero of Gaia shifted slightly, "Why'd you save me then?" He asked, annoyance biting into his tones. "I'm weak, I've always been weak." His voice was as listless as his eyes; he was still tired from having lost so much blood in so short a period. Dr. Tot had succeeded in re-hydrating him, reducing the risk of losing him, but the restoration of the spilt blood would take a lot longer.
"You were the one percent I thought was making a mistake. Do us all a favour kid; recover your strength before you go making idiot decisions. Your mind's clouded by grief, there's still loads left for you to live for; you 13 not 113."
"I lost them all; I'm not changing my mind." Came a painfully tiny and cracked voice, the whisper of a person who felt they had nothing left to live for. Even for a mercenary as hardened as Amarant hearing it was painful; to him the mage was still just a child and yet his attempted suicide proved that he was not. It had not, as with other children Vivi's age, just a ploy for attention; he had been determined enough to die that he had removed himself for the castle and those he cared for.
"Kinda selfish of you really; we all have to deal with grief and pain but most of us cope by not sticking a knife in our wrist. Think about that when you're putting that tricky puzzle of yours back together again."
Feeling he had offered up enough of his soul for one day, Amarant pushed away from the door. "The monkey's outside," He told the mage simply, who still lay with his back to the door. He knew that Vivi's road to recovery would take longer then it would take for the wound to heal, that the only person able to make to make the choice to recover would be the mage, and that the guilt, the pain and the anger would forever leave a stain on his heart.
Zidane looked up as Amarant left the room, the mercenary stood in the way of the door so Zidane could not get in. "He isn't ready for you yet, maybe tomorrow, today he's got a lot to think about." Amarant told him honestly. Zidane stood, clenching his fist by his side, "Don't get angry at me. It's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault but his and he knows that."
"Yeah well, I can't go in and beat the crap out of him can I?"
"Why not? It's what he's expecting you to do; he's expecting everyone to be angry at him." Amarant said as if he knew something Zidane did not. "There's nothing worse then failing yourself, and I can't think of any worse failing then trying to kill yourself."
Zidane heaved a sigh, "What was he thinking?" He queried rhetorically he was not even sure he wanted the answer. "I know he was upset, I'm not blind but even he knows that suicide isn't the answer."
Amarant scoffed slightly, "Put yourself in his place," He partially instructed. "He was a kid when Quan died, he gets dragged along with your quest when he learns he isn't technically real, then he learns that most of his kind only last a year. When we finished Necron he was happy for a while, he made the others and lived in the castle. We get the news that you're coming back but it's overshadowed." The mercenary was not in the habit of speaking for so long, especially on behalf of another but Vivi could not say these things for himself. "Just before the play, Mikoto calls him to the village because 288's about to stop. No matter what people tried the Black Mages still didn't last very long, so 288 dies as the last of the army Kuja created two years before. Vivi's devastated, he was close to 288 but he refuses to grieve because of the boys; hiding how upset he was just made it worse. He's used to hiding grief; he's been doing it since Quan died."
"It's still a little extreme, slitting his wrist isn't a way of dealing -"
"Have you ever lost anyone, monkey?" Amarant interrupted quite sharply, "I don't mean someone you barely know, I mean close family. Losing an aunt or someone like that is painful but it isn't like losing your parents." He knew what he was talking about to some degree, his mother had died when he was very young, his sister had committed suicide when he had been 14, he had lost aunts and uncles but had never been close to them; his father had forcefully beaten such weaknesses out of him.
There was no answer Zidane could give, the only person he had lost was Kuja and even he was not sure what he felt about that. The other Genome had died inside the Iifa tree, his injuries too great for him to heal; Zidane had sat with him until the end, watching his final, painful breaths leave his body. However, Zidane had not been close to Kuja, he certainly did not feel any real love for the Angel of Death. "In his head, Vivi's lost his father figure, his brothers and his sons." Amarant was explaining, "I'm not giving him a reason, it was a stupid thing to do."
Casually, he lent against the doorframe, his bulk still blocking the door. "Tot'll let him out of there tomorrow, it's been two days." He told the Genome who stood looking at the door, guilt met Zidane's features as his green/blue eyes locked with the dark wooden door. "He won't want to see you for a long time, if he ever does."
Helplessly, Zidane looked towards Amarant, who shrugged ever so slightly. "But I wanna see him." He said hopelessly, "He can't lock himself away for ever." He insisted, fighting the temptation to stamp his foot and throw his arms to his side.
"Can't he?"
"No, I won't let him,"
"There's more then one way of keeping people out," With this cryptic comment, Amarant pushed away from the doorframe. His steps were unhurried as he moved down the corridor, he knew ways to keeping people out and he knew Vivi knew them too; the mage had been using them in the years since Quan's death and he had not stopped since. In his current state of mind, Amarant would not put it past Vivi to turn mute, or even try to take his life again.
Zidane slipped down the wall to sit on the floor again, he was not sure why he kept sitting outside Vivi's room but it made him feel like he was doing something; at least if he was outside then Vivi could get him if he wanted too. 'Why the hell would he want to?' He thought bitterly, he stood slowly, flicking a quick look to the door. 'He doesn't even know that I'm out here,' He shook his head. 'I'm sorry Vivi, it's my fault you're laying in there right now, I didn't see.' He forced himself away from his watch, 'I can't sit outside forever, and I've got to be there for Garnet.' He started to walk down the corridor, telling himself not to look back.
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Authors Note: Back in the castle, tired and hurt, Vivi won't let anyone in. A new companion, a kindly soul, next time in 'Shattered Soul'.
