Rifa - I just wrote, I didn't really think why and how. That's the way I do things, looking at it, it would seem like Vivi is still very much depressed, hence the lack of emotion to what he writes.

Gelendra - Hehe, I had to! I'm not telling you yet whether Vivi says yes or no to Mikoto's idea, because that'd spoil a very cute chapter later. I was kind of proud of that idea, I got thinking about how Genome's are just vessels and in essence, mages are just souls and added two and two.

Note: Very long chapter!

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Entry 4

Ellisa seems to have worked out how I felt yesterday and she sat me down for a really long talk about my recovery; she explained that it would feel like I'm on a special wheel, when I'm down it will seem like up is a long way away, but when I'm up, down will feel really close. We spent a long time talking and then she asked me go for a walk to the main hall, I didn't want to go. She told me that it was 'no big deal' and left it at that; although she did say that I would have to face up to that memory eventually.

I keep trying, every time I go to write about it, I find that I can't.

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A knock at the door caused Vivi to stop writing and he called for whomever it was to enter; Ellisa appeared in the doorway, her eyes instantly finding his. Her eyes, Vivi had started to realise, changed colour dependant on her mood; in the past, they had been turquoise, which meant she was slightly anxious but recently they had been violet. Presently, they were turquoise again demonstrating that something was bothering her. "Vivi, I just wanted to talk to you about today," She started, he stood up from the desk and offered up a chair close to the window, sitting close to her. "I know it's hard okay? I know you don't want to have to face up to what you saw and felt when Valian passed away but you do realise you have to right?"

On the mention of his youngest son, Vivi had ducked his head, hiding his eyes from her; a tight feeling welled in his throat and chest. "I can't ever understand what you went through and it's painfully clear to me that no one else can, the only one who knows what it's like is you." She rested a hand on his arm, trying to draw his eyes again but it did not work. "I didn't want to talk to anyone when I lost my sister, but I met my friend and he made me tell him," She admitted, besides her friend, no one knew that she had a sister.

"And I cried like a babe, the last time I'd cried at all was when I was five, but when I was 13, he sat with me and I cried and I cried. Everything I said, every single word that passed my lips made me cry a little more but it all helped me to see that my sister wouldn't have wanted me to hide things away like I had been. After I'd cried myself out, I felt better; I wasn't as angry or annoyed any more, I felt normal for the first time in almost six years."

It had came to Ellisa only that evening that Vivi had not cried after the death of his son, Zidane had said that Vivi had been a very emotional person and yet the mage had not once cried about Valian's death. "You've dealt with the others, you've made peace with how they went but you can't seem to do that for Val," The use of Valian's pet name drew his eyes finally, tears were leaking into the corners of them but he still seemed to be refusing to cry. "I know it doesn't seem you have to grieve any more, if Mikoto's right then you'll have them all back again, but sometimes it helps to tell someone and just cry."

Her eyes had changed colour to a very pale blue showing that she was upset. "I think you started to tell them in your letter, you were hiding behind metaphors and words but I think, and Tot thinks, that you were starting to tell them how you were hurting." He had ducked his head again, hiding away from what she was saying. "Only you know, no one else will ever understand what you went through, you could tell one of your friends and they could be sorry for you but no one will ever really understand what you experienced that day."

"H - He told me it wasn't my fault,"

Tears broke into the words and Ellisa got up from her chair to rest a hand on his shoulder, she squatted to his level and he looked into her eyes again. "He said he knew that I'd never have made him if I'd have known it was going to hurt." Tears bit into Ellisa's throat, tears for the compassion shown by a child she had not even known. "And all I could do in reply was hold his hand and tell him it would be over soon." He finally broke down and Ellisa could not help herself from wrapping him in a supportive hug, the grief-stricken mage hugged her back, burying his head into her chest. It did not take him very long to calm down enough to go on, "I felt it, in my heart when he died and I fainted, I don't know if Zidane and the others told you that."

"No they didn't, but I expected it."

He held onto her and Ellisa let him; she could feel him shivering against her as his young mind relived the experience. "I was pretty much in a coma for a week, they'd already had Valian's funeral when I woke up; I … didn't really do much for that month, then little by little I made it seem like I was getting better but I was really planning what I'd do next." He finally let Ellisa go and seemed to blush slightly when he realised where he had been nestled; the White mage smiled slightly, Vivi was finally letting someone know what he had gone through and it made her happy to know that he was not recovering as a show like before. "I didn't think I'd ever get better so I … well you know what I did,"

"Yeah, I do, and I never once judged you for it,"

"I …" His voice broke as he went to talk again and he looked towards her, Ellisa offered up a chuckle.

"I wondered when you'd start,"

"Start what?" He asked, genuinely not knowing what she meant; Vivi had never really thought about growing older because he had never thought that he would do so, every year that he had grown older he had expected it to be his last. The patient natured medic sat and spoke to him about everything, her tones not at all condescending or rude; although she did tease him twice for times his voice broke when asking questions.

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Entry 4 - cont.

I finally spoke to someone about Valian's death and I do feel a little better for it.

Ellisa spoke to me about growing up today, she told me that my voice is breaking which she explains as the process whereby my voice is maturing. I never thought that I'd live long enough to have to grow up physically, and I didn't listen when Zidane told me about it when I turned 12 (I'm fairly sure he tried to tell me again when I was 13, but I really wasn't listening to him then either.)

Ellisa managed to persuade me to try going into the main hall again tomorrow, pointing out that I'll have to go in there when Zidane's daughter is announced. Now that someone else knows what he said, I'm fairly sure I could do it; it's all positive thinking (something I've never been any good at). I know it's okay to be sad and scared but somehow it seems wrong for me to be sad when I might get them back again.

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Entry 5

I managed to go into the hall today, I didn't get overwhelmed and faint again, I just stood and looked past what happened. I just had to look beyond Valian's death to how he was in the hall before that, like the time we set up a tent in one of the crevices and the boys pretended to be on an adventure (I even got Zidane to pretend to be a monster for a little while). Or when we persuaded Quina to make a special feast on Calan's birthday because he tended to feel a little left out. Or the time when Ollan gave us a concert of our own, just me and the other boys.

When I look back, I can see that all of my memories of them were happy, they make me feel proud and cheerful when I think of them. These memories don't make me miss them more, or feel worse about them dying, they make me feel pleased that I gave them so many good experiences.

I read something once that said life isn't about cramming as much as you can into it, because if it was you'd have so many bad and negative memories; it said that life was about living each day happily and I see that my sons had so many happy days. I'm not saying that we didn't have bad days too, I once yelled myself hoarse at Turo and Sola for picking on a girl and I sometimes feel like I wasn't smart enough to appreciate Nicara's talents but we had more good days then bad ones.

Ellisa's been really good with all this, I never had her down as a listener before (She kept talking too much) but she's a really good person and I could see her as a good friend. I've seen so little of Zidane recently, every time he's spoken to me he's rambled on and on about his baby (Not that I can blame him for that, she's beautiful). And Garnet's been really busy looking after her.

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AN: Vivi's voice breaking may seem a bit of an after thought, and in truth it was - I suddenly realised that I had a 13 year old Vivi still running around with his child voice.

Finally a childs memory is laid to rest, finally a demon is exocised from Vivi's soul; decisions still to be made and people still to face. A birthday and not that of someone you'd expect, whose memories will surface thanks to a special gift? Find out in 'Birthday Rememberance'.