Shattered Soul

Chapter 15: 'And I name her ...'

Disclaimer: Haven't done a full one of these in a while, all characters that are recognised as such are property of Square Enix; therefore anyone you don't recognise is mine and they can only be used with permission. This fic is not for profit (Mores the pity, I need the cash) and if you wanted to archive it please ask first.

lottirebel - Hehe, I'll take the yelling as meaning you want me to keep going!

Gelendra - Every evening? Well ... you can rest assured now that updates will only be once a week or so because I haven't finished the chapter ahead of myself yet. I thought the stuff with Vivi and Eiko was pretty key to his getting better.

Saffire Raynius - Thank you Saffire, I really wanted the emotions of that moment to shine through, I rewrote it more times then I can count. As to miss nosy, nah, I like her like this! Lol.

AN: This is a beast of a chapter at nearly 4,000 words long! That's like reading a one shot.

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Entry 35

I meant to update this yesterday, but after spending the day with Eiko I was really tired. Seeing Eiko again went really well, I was expecting her to be really superficial about all of this but she wasn't. She's the first person I've consciously shown my scar to, Zidane's seen it but I was in the mindset where I didn't really care about him seeing it. There was a long time where I just didn't care, everything seemed like too much effort and there was a time when I just hated him.

Maybe I should write that down too, sometimes I don't know what to write, I know this is my place to vent what I need to say so I might as well. When I was first brought back to the castle, I hated everyone; I hated Amarant the most because he directly saved my life, I hated Zidane for ordering the search for me. Most of all I hated myself, because I hadn't done it properly for all the planning that went into it. Being angry at yourself is the worse thing I think, I know I still am a little bit but I'm getting better now; when you're angry with yourself you can't yell and shout because you don't want others to know.

Of course, I won't get away from this anger, not until everything is in it's place in my head and that might take a while. But knowing it will go away makes me feel less trapped then I did before; then I didn't see it as being trapped, I saw life as the trap not the anger and grief. Some people believe (Ellisa's been telling me this) that suicide, alcoholism and those kind of things, stem from grief and being angry, and I guess she's right in my case. It's really easy to look back now and see myself as an idiot but then it seemed like I was just doing what was right. It's hard to feel like you have no where to turn, no where to go when you really need support because you know that no one will understand it.

But I'm not like that now, I sometimes feel a little down but I know that I don't need to be upset any more because I have things to look forwards to. Sometimes when I'm alone it gets harder to drive away the feelings that hurt me so much back then but I guess it's all part of what I'm going through.

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Entry 36

I feel sick.

I wish that was all of it, but it's worse then just being sick. It's terrible, it's about 10am, the babe's announcement is in an hour's time and I'm shaking so badly that I spilt my drink down my front. I've always been a nervous person, and I'm content with that enough to get around it most times but now I know I've got a reason to be nervous. Today is a real judgement day for me, I've got Eiko to talk to, which makes me feel a little better but I still have to face so many people.

Firstly, there's 288 and Mikoto who arrived in the castle late last night according to Zidane, who woke me up at five this morning to make sure I wouldn't be late. I don't think I'm as worried about seeing them as I am about seeing some of the others, 288 isn't angry at me and I really need to talk to Mikoto about choosing what to do.

Then there's Freya, who I didn't find in the end; she's not spoken with me yet but I don't think she'll be angry with me. In Burmecia, Ellisa explained, suicide is rare and there is an outpouring of support for anyone who survives it (Hence the spear thing with Sir. Fratley). It's also the second time ever that I've seen their daughter Freyda, Burmecia infants are raised in near solitude as infants so I've no idea how old she is. I wonder how much she's grown and if she'll still be as fascinated by my hat as she was last time.

I've seen Beatrix, Steiner and Quina around the castle; Quina at least seems content to ignore everything. The last time I saw Steiner he questioned me about what I was doing for about fifteen minutes (Making me late for a play at Ruby's.) I haven't spoken to Beatrix but from what Zidane's said, she was the only one who seemed to understand that I didn't want to be saved.

By far the worst person I have to see is Amarant, somehow I don't think thank you quite covers it; and I'm not in the most huggable mood right now (I doubt he'd appreciate that either.) Even to myself it's hard to admit he saved my life, I was never really close to him when we journeyed together but he did save me; no one else knew what to do.

I feel so sick.

My stomach hurts and I don't think I'll be able to eat somehow.

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The hall was busy with activity, lords and ladies from all over Gaia were there; Freya was just by the door with Sir. Fratley and their daughter Freyda. The female Dragon knight moved to join him, "Hello Vivi, you look well." She touched his shoulder with the same tenderness that Sir. Fratley had used with his spear a few days before. "I know most nations view -" She checked to see if anyone else was within hearing distance out of concern for his privacy. "- Suicide in a different way to Burmecian's, where as we focus on the positive nature of recovery they focus on the negativity and sorrow of the act itself." Freya explained to him, her tones full of friendly warmth and thoughtfulness. "You certainly seem to be recovering."

"I think I am, slowly,"

He followed her to where Fratley and Freyda stood; Vivi could have sworn Freyda was only a year old but looking at her now made him realise that she was not. She was standing on her own, and whilst she was a good bit shorter then everyone else she also held herself with pride and bearing. "Freya, how old is Freyda now?" Vivi queried just before they reached her family.

"She's three; don't feel worried because you didn't know that. In Burmecia it is traditional to wait a few years before a child is announced and seen by most of the world."

The mage was soon engaged in conversation with the small family, but his gaze was forever wandering around the room; a bored looking Eiko stood with Cid and Hilda, the princess wore an official gown that looked uncomfortable. Amarant was no where in sight and Vivi allowed himself a sigh of relief when he realised that the mercenary was going to be late and he would not have to face him yet. Quina had been drifting in and out, making sure that the ceremony had not started without him/her whilst also keeping an eye on the feast.

The members of Tantalus were dotted amongst the crowd, Ruby had dressed herself in more appropriate clothing for such en event but this did not cause a cease to the generous display of cleavage she gifted to anyone present when she bent over. Marcus and Blank were talking in a corner and Vivi had noticed that the nobles were giving them a wide berth. Baku was holding an animated discussion with Tot, whilst Cinna seemed to be trying to sneak off to the kitchens.

Beatrix and Steiner were standing by the doorway leading towards the room Garnet was in with her daughter; making sure that people did not try to see the child before the ceremony. Zidane seemed to be making the rounds on her behalf, flitting between the groups of people like a bird after nectar; he was currently speaking with two other Genome's and with a sharp intake of breath, Vivi realised who they were.

The taller of Zidane's companions wore the garb of a Black Mage, minus the pointed hat and Vivi was certain that the other one was Mikoto. The prototype Black mage had had no idea that 288 would be coming to the ceremony, he knew Mikoto would be because he had to talk to her and he had known that he was in the castle but his mind had not quite made the connection between the two. He wrenched his gaze from them, even looking at the Genome he thought was 288 reminded him of when the C type had stopped years before and that was painful for him.

"How's my favourite little niece doing?" A bright and excited voice asked and when Vivi looked up, Zidane was hugging Freyda. He exchanged words with Freya and Fratley before offering up a confidence boosting smile to Vivi, who nodded in return. The Genome talked with Freya, Fratley and Freyda for a time before making his exit.

Vivi followed Zidane a little way and caught him by the sleeve, the erstwhile thief looked to him expectantly. "Zidane, the Genome with Mikoto is a mage isn't he?" The mage asked softly, he was not sure that he wanted to ask if it was 288 directly no matter how much sense that made.

A beaming smile was gifted him, "Yep and I think you know who it is," Vivi nodded by way of reply but could not find the strength to return the smile. "He was asking after you, I wasn't sure if you'd want to speak to him today so I said that maybe you'd speak to him tomorrow."

"Thanks Zidane,"

"It's no big deal Vivi, that's what friends are for." Zidane offered, his cheeky grin growing as he did so. The official bell heralding the start of the ceremony tolled and Zidane took a deep breath. "Well, here goes; I've never done anything like this before, wish me luck."

"Good luck Zidane,"

Chuckling, Zidane gave Vivi's shoulder a quick squeeze before dashing into the hall; pushing his was through the crowd. Someone grabbed Vivi by the hand and forcefully pulled him into the hall; the mage did not resist Eiko's tug and soon found himself sitting besides her. Regent Cid was on the podium with the Alexandrian royal family, Freya and all the others who would give speeches and blessings. Vivi was very quick to note that Eiko had sat away from any of the others, Lady Hilda was seated in the front row and the only person Vivi recognised near at hand was Ruby; however, there were many empty chairs still. The seats around them slowly filled, Cinna sat besides Vivi with Marcus and Blank; the hammer wielder greeted Vivi with a nudge to the ribs. "Hey Vivi," He offered brightly. "Hey Princess Eiko,"

Eiko lent over Vivi to look at Cinna, "Oh, hi Cinna," she greeted in her typically bright and irrepressible way. "It's been a while since I saw you," The two talked over Vivi for a while, who was still feeling a little queasy and did not mind them doing it. He watched with a good degree of amusement as Zidane talked with energetic motions to Cid up on the podium; before his eyes wandered to where a smiling Garnet sat talking to Freya with the white clad child in her arms. He barely noticed when two figures moved into the seats in front of him but a flash of golden fur caught his eyes; neither noticed him and Vivi prayed feverishly that they would fail to notice him.

A polite hush fell over the hall as the official blessings began, but it did not take long for people to start whispering again; Cinna and Blank were all but asleep and Vivi was equally bored with the pointless droning of nobles blessing the new princess. Eiko pinched his arm slightly and he looked to her, "Who's the Genome with Mikoto?" She asked him in a whisper, not wanting to be overheard. Not sure that he could actually say it himself he held up two fingers, followed by eight and eight, "Really?" Came Eiko's sharp hissed reply and Vivi nodded in response. "Wow, he and Mikoto are pretty close now; look at their tails."

Wondering what tails had to do with anything, Vivi did as she said and smiled when he saw they were intertwined. "They're so shameless," Eiko huffed slightly and before he could fully realise what she was going to do she had planted her foot onto one of the tails, the heel of her shoe digging into the appendage.

There was a sharp hiss from the Genome in front of her and the yellow-eyed one turned to face her, he gave a vague glower for a few moments before a familiar tan hat drew his gaze to Vivi. Nothing was said as the two looked at one another; 288 offered up a very small sad smile, almost as if he were saying sorry with a look. "Hey Mr. 288, get a room." Eiko hissed, her adopted father was making the announcement of the child's aunts and uncles and it would be Zidane's job to announce her Godfather after Garnet had told the court her name. "You can let her go for two minutes you know,"

"Arr, it's you Princess Eiko,"

"Don't 'arr it's you' me, let her go."

"Eiko, don't be so rude," Vivi whispered, he never would have dreamed of telling her to do such a thing in the past but all he had gone through more recently had taught him that people would not be angry with him for speaking his mind. Neither he nor 288 had looked away from each other, "Hi," He offered in a very small voice, not quite sure what to say after that.

"Hello Vivi, Mikoto and I need to talk to you at some point,"

"O - Okay,"

Zidane and Garnet took to the podium and a complete hush filled the room as Garnet moved to the front. "I accept the blessings of Puck of Burmecia via his delegate Freya Crescent and those of Regent Cid Fabool of Lindblum." She smiled widely at the two, with a slight bow of her head. "It is my pleasure to announce, Sarah Til Alexanderos the first, the new heir of Alexandria." There was a polite round of applause.

Another elbow dug Vivi in the ribs and he looked towards Eiko, "I thought that was Dagger's name," She said and he nodded in reply. "I wonder who the Godfather is, dad was a little baffled that it wasn't him but I don't think it bothers him any more." Vivi forced himself to stay quiet, Eiko would find out who Sarah's Godfather was soon enough. "And how come it has to be a Godfather anyway?"

"Alexandrian tradition," The Black Mage supplied softly, "If there's a Queen ruling then the Godparent has to be male and close to the Prince Consort - which Zidane isn't really, he's just a prince."

Zidane took Garnet's place, "Choosing Sarah's Godfather wasn't an easy job," He said, the smile that Vivi associated with Sarah's birth on his face. "I've got a lot of friends who I'd have loved to do it but tradition states that she can only have one. For me, and for Garnet, the person we have in mind was pretty much who we intended all along. Traditionally, the chosen person gives a speech but he's decided not too and I can't blame him for that, it's boiling up here." There was a small chuckle from the gathering, "That and I can't imagine him in formal wear." Vivi looked down his front, wondering what was wrong with his clothing that it could not count as formal wear. "It is my pleasure to announce that Sarah's God father is Vivi Orunitia," The nobles clapped politely whilst Eiko stared at him opened mouthed.

If it were possible, Vivi would have blushed a deep red and hidden himself away; Zidane had been conscious of the fact that Vivi would not have wanted a fuss and so surrendered the podium to Garnet again. "You knew?" Eiko hissed at last, fixing him with a hard look, which Vivi consider preferable to a nudge in the ribs. He nodded and hid his eyes, "That's a really big secret to hide from your friends Vivi," She scolded.

"It wasn't easy 'Ko,"

She was soon more interested in something else, for which Vivi was very grateful because he hated being the centre of attention. She looked towards 288 and Mikoto again, the reborn mage was holding Mikoto's hand in her lap. "Did you even know they were a couple?" Eiko asked of Vivi, who took a little while to realise what she was talking about, before following her gaze with a smile.

"No," He told her truthfully, "I haven't spoken to anyone very much except you, Zidane, Garnet and Ellisa." Eiko looked towards him and he shrugged, "It seems right though doesn't it?" He asked her, 288 and Mikoto had always been close as friends, Vivi remembered how desperately Mikoto had tried to save the erstwhile C types life.

"It's gross,"

"Why is it? Your parents are like that sometimes. They seem happy."

Eiko shook her head, "They so are not Vivi." She said defensively, crossing her arms about her chest. "Since when did you get so sentimental?" Vivi shrugged, he did not think he was being sentimental just truthful. "They're like a couple of teenagers!"

"How would you know? You're not even a teenager yet,"

"I still see what teenagers are like,"

He shook his head; he should have expected this kind of answer from Eiko. "I can't see why it's bothering you." He admitted, "They're not hurting anyone." The hint of a tease met Vivi's manner, "Unless you fancy 288 because he looks like Zidane now of course."

Eiko blushed heavily, "I so do not!" She said aloud, causing everyone nearby to look towards them and Vivi ducked his head. "It was his fault," Eiko insisted pointing at Vivi, everyone soon turned away from them and focused on Zidane and Garnet again. "Do you have any idea how gross that idea was?" She asked him in a whisper.

"I was just teasing you,"

"I mean, he's a Black Mage."

Vivi looked towards her, "And what's wrong with being a Black Mage?" He asked her, part of him knowing that she was just trying to wind him up because he had managed to wind her up. Just as he was about to contend the point for his very limited species - which, when he considered it, was incredibly limited; there was only one true Black Mage left but there were six Genome mages - Zidane announced that the feast in Sarah's honour was about to be served.

Once again, the Mage allowed Eiko to guide him, politely pulled out her chair for her before sitting down himself. He sat silently besides her, eating very little; he listened intently but seldom contributed to the during dinner conversation. 288 looked down the long table towards him again, "He seems well," Mikoto mused when she noticed her companions distraction. "Obviously his mind still lingers over why, for it is said that no parent should outlive their child, but Sarah's birth has given him focus."

"We need to give him a better reason Mikoto,"

"And he will have it, if he truly wants it."

Someone came up behind them and Zidane stuck his head between the two, "So, 288 what do you intend for my little sister?" The erstwhile thief hero of Gaia asked of him, 288 and Mikoto looked to one another, neither understanding what Zidane was saying. Realising that they were confused, Zidane gave a big grin, "Are you a couple now?" Mikoto's calm outer appearance reddened with a blush and her brother's grin grew wider. "I'll take that as a yes then, you better not do anything to hurt her."

"That's the last thing I intend to do,"

Zidane sat in a vacant seat besides 288, "I'm just teasing you." He assured the mage simply. "What were you whispering about anyway?" He asked, 288 looked down the table; Zidane followed his gaze, eyes instantly finding his wife and daughter. "Are you getting broody Mikoto?" He teased again good naturedly, before noticing the real direction of 288's eyes. "He's doing pretty well today huh?"

"I certainly couldn't have faced so many people as bravely as he has," 288 admitted, looking to Zidane, who found himself slightly unnerved by the rich yellow eyes that were tinged vaguely by the natural blue of a Genomes. "But I think we'll wait for him to come to us,"

"I wouldn't if I was you, he might never get around to it," He thought for a while, "But saying that he did go and see Eiko, I never expected him to want to do that alone."

288 smiled slightly, "I think he knows that he has to face people; that living in a void will not make him happy." Mikoto nodded in agreement, "He knows that people can cope alone but he also knows the value of living with others, he accepts that locking himself away is not going to make him feel any better about everything."

"Yeah, I guess," Zidane agreed as the noble whose chair he had stolen returned. "Well, I'd better get back to Garnet, just wanted to ask you two about stuff." He bowed his head apologetically to the noble before doing as he said.

Mikoto's gaze followed him back, "What does broody mean?" She asked of 288 uncertainly, who shrugged, his own eyes wandering again to Vivi. The small mage seemed to be more then content just listening to people talk and 288 realised that Vivi had always been the kind of person to listen, someone who did not like to draw attention to himself by talking. 'And yet he gains attention without wanting it, he cannot escape people's attention,' 288 thought sadly, eyes drifting back to his food. 'Before he could shield behind the act of being a father, but he doesn't have that again yet.'

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Entry 37

I'm actually fighting the urge to dance around the room and yell 'I did it' at the top of my lungs. I'm really tired now but I managed to speak to so many people and now I just feel kind of excited. I know I've got more people to see, 288 and Mikoto firstly. Also, I didn't see Amarant at all, I know he was there because Zidane mentioned some of the nobles being in a bit of a state due to his presence but I get the feeling he was just giving me space.

I felt a lot like my old self today, if that's possible, I even descended into playful teasing with Eiko which I couldn't have done five months ago. (I didn't want to face her after the boys had died.) She kept bringing attention to the fact that 288 and Mikoto are together, I can't see why it bothers her so much but I've never really been able to work Eiko out.

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AN: Saffire's heard this defense before, but I had too! Lol.

Four years, a different form, is talking to the revived like talking to the dead? Find out in 'Shattered Soul' Chapter 16.