Saffire Raynius - Thanks Saffire, Mikoto and 288 were an odd pairing but something does seem kind of right you know. Chapter is getting finished ... bloody Amarant!
LottiRebel - Lol, nah, you don't. Can you email me please Lotti? I drew something for a friend and I think you'll like it!
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Entry 39
It's been two days now since Sarah's announcement and the castle finally seems to be getting back to normal.
Normal.
I don't think normal ever existed here, but this is close enough. Zidane collared me today (Not quite literally) when I was about to sneak to the kitchens for a snack and told me that Amarant was still about if I wanted to talk to him. Which I do, but I just don't know what to say; I haven't known what to say to anyone recently, which has made me feel really awkward.
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Despite autumns approach, the day was bright and the mage went for a walk in the gardens; his pace was unhurried as he made his way towards the rose gardens that had been Brahne's pride and joy when she had been alive. "Hey kid," A growling voice spooked Vivi slightly and he looked towards the nearby grass area; Amarant sat cross-legged on it. "Decided to stick with us then?"
Vivi moved to a nearby bench and sat down, "Yeah," He tried to think how to go on but his mind drew nothing but blanks. Amarant's understanding of what he had gone through just over three months before had shocked him and Vivi was unsure of what to say.
The mercenary remained where he was, nothing about his manner changing. "How's your puzzle?" Vivi allowed himself a slight smile when he saw that Amarant was actually concerned.
"I think I've got nearly all the bits now, but the bits I'm missing make it seem like I can't complete it."
There was a scoff of laughter from Amarant, "That's a good way of looking at it," Vivi was starting to see that he had initially judged Amarant wrongly; the mage had always assumed that the brooding mercenary was merely a good fighter and not the deep soul he seemed to be. "But you'll get there eventually, you know where most of the missing bits are and when you're going to get them back," The red headed mercenary hinted, drawing Vivi's eyes. "The brat told me,"
Briefly, Vivi fought annoyance; he did not like feeling it and he seldom did but Eiko had spread his secret around the castle as if it were petty gossip. "You've got another bit besides your kids," Amarant said simply, Vivi looked towards him questioningly. "I'm not telling you what it is; you have to find it on your own." Understanding this, Vivi nodded in reply.
There was a long uncomfortable silence, "I've tried so hard to find the right way to say this," Vivi said at last, yellow eyes hidden by the brim of his hat; Amarant knew better then to look at the shy, quiet natured teen and kept his own head bowed. "But I never was really any good with words." Amarant allowed himself a hidden snort of laughter; there were some times when Vivi's use of words was very keen and heartfelt. "Thanks Amarant, I didn't appreciate anyone effort before, but thanks for saving me."
Thoroughly embarrassed, Vivi stood and made his way back to the castle without waiting for a reply; hidden eyes watched him leave and Amarant let himself smile a little. Whilst he had never made the effort to get close to Vivi, there was something in him that Amarant felt he understood better then anyone else. Despite having tried to take his own life, Vivi was a survivor, someone who seemed very delicate but had a lot of internal strength; if only he would see it. For all his anxiety, shyness and melancholy, Vivi was someone who refused to give up, even if he sometimes seemed to.
He heard Zidane coming but did not react to the Genome as he sat besides him, "Hey Amarant, was that Vivi?" He queried, it was a pointless question, for Amarant knew that Zidane had been watching them; the mercenary did not reply. "So, what do you think? He's pretty much better isn't he?" The stupidity of the question struck Amarant but he did not show it, sitting impassively on the grass.
"He's never going to be 'better' monkey,"
Zidane's tail flicked from side to side at its tip, a sure sign of aggravation, "Yeah well, he's not suicidal any more," He insisted, "And that's good enough for me," Amarant rolled his hidden eyes in exasperation, fairly sure it was this kind of 'good enough' approach that had led to Vivi's descent into depression to start with. "It was a good thing you found him, I was a little sceptical about you coming at first but no one else could've done what you did to save him."
"You're ignoring one fact monkey,"
Zidane scoffed, "I'm probably forgetting more the one thing Amarant," He admitted. "What am I forgetting this time?" He asked, actually wanting to know what Amarant knew that he did not.
"You can't help someone who doesn't want help,"
The Genome smiled and nodded in agreement with the mercenary, "Like white magic only works on people who want to be healed," He offered simply, there was a slight nod from Amarant. "So, Vivi must've changed his mind about wanting to die at some point," He mused thoughtfully, his tail now curling and uncurling in a thoughtful way.
"He didn't mean for it to go as far as it did,"
"You're saying he slit his wrist by accident?"
Amarant shook his head in reply, "I'm saying he never meant to let all this stuff drag him down so far," He stood, towering over the Genome. "The kid isn't so stupid as to think suicide's an easy way out." He started to walk away, "Kid's still got one more bit to fit in," He said looking back towards Zidane.
"Yeah, I know, and I think he knows it too,"
Having said all that he intended on the subject, Amarant made a small wave gesture with one hand and trudged towards the castle. Zidane pondered briefly on how long it would be before he saw the mercenary again, but knew predicting such things was like predicting the weather; you could do it well enough but never be quite right. Zidane flopped backwards so that he was looking at the sky; so much had happened in the last year that it almost seemed to overshadow their adventures. It seemed like the group was drifting apart, Sarah's announcement had been the first time the Genome had seen Eiko in over a year and somehow it was worrying to see that they were no longer as close as they had once been.
He leapt to his feet, knowing that dwelling on things that could not be changed was useless; he did not have the time to worry about things that he could do little to change any more, he was a father and his daughter and wife needed him. The Genome walked towards the castle, eyes drifting to one side and he saw several flashes of pale blue; he did a double take to find that the path was empty. "Weird," He muttered, slowly walking inside.
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Entry 40
I finally spoke to Amarant and it was nothing like I expected it to be, then again I didn't really know what to expect in the first place. I think he was trying to tell me that I've done okay so far but I've still got a little way to go and I know he's right, because I can feel it in myself that I still have so much more to do. It's all very well my saying that I can wait for the boys to come back but I know in my heart that this is going to be very difficult.
I get the feeling that I don't really need to keep a journal any more, I don't have as much to write any more and that makes it seem that maybe I'm getting better in my own way.
Oh, before I completely forget; Zidane and Garnet told me the other day that they intend to raise Sarah themselves without relying on a nanny. I'm not sure if it will work, they've still got to do their royal duties and caring for a child is hard work. I'm not saying that I don't believe in them, I do but I don't think Zidane realises how much work this is going to be. Raising six children the youngest of which hatched with the mental age of a four year old has taught me that maybe being a parent is more difficult then it looks.
I get the feeling that being a parent is something you have to experience yourself, not something that another person can tell you; I never had the advantage of seeing how my parents were with me because I never had that relationship. It's not something I really feel bad about, you can't miss something you never had; I'm alright with who I am enough to not worry about being created, it's something that I can't change.
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AN: YAY! Amarant did as he was told.
Things to be said, something to be found, find out just what I mean in Chapter 18.
