Chapter 18 - Magic, admittance and thank you's

AN:

Hiei owns my soul: all at once? You have a death wise dontcha? Lol.

Saffire: (Much glompage) Thanks Saffire, I was being a bit mopy about about all this and it was very kind of you to leave a review. Thanks.

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Autumn besieged Alexandria castle with the audacity of a warring nation, stealing away the warmth of summer and replacing it with nipping nights. Snuggled into his bed, Vivi blew into his cupped hands, desperately trying to warm himself up; realising that lying in his nightshirt was not warming him up, Vivi got out of bed and quickly changed. Under a year before, he would have used a spell to light the fire but he still did not feel strong enough to risk casting anything; he left his room, going in search of a lightened fire.

His footsteps carried him towards the hall, Garnet sat at breakfast, she looked exhausted but happy too; she smiled as she noticed him, motioning that he should join her. "Good morning Vivi," She greeted brightly, looking up from her breakfast. "A bit early for you is it not?" Vivi was a big fan of lying in in the mornings; when he had been recovering this was simply because he did not have the strength to get up and face the world but now it was more out of choice. Vivi's only reply was a very small smile of acknowledgement. "There's some tea in the pot if you want it, and some toast on the rack."

He moved to sit a little way down the table from her, pouring himself a cup of tea from a silver plated teapot and taking a piece of toast from the matching toast rack. "Is Sarah okay?" He asked politely before starting on his toast; he was determined not to rely on seeing the child everyday as there was a chance that she would grow up to hate him and so he could not rely on her to be his grounding; she could not be his reason.

"Yes, yes," Garnet said dismissively, "She's fine, continually wailing her discontent, but fine."

It did not take Vivi much to see that the Queen was a little put out by people's constant enquiries about Sarah without asking about her as well. "Are you okay too?" He asked her, eyes on buttering his toast.

Rich brown eyes looked directly into glowing yellow ones as Vivi looked up, for a instant Garnet looked extremely happy, almost as if no one had asked her in a long while and she was savouring the moment. "A bit tired but I feel alright, thank you Vivi," He nodded his head slightly, showing her that it was all right. "What about you?"

"I'm okay, thanks,"

Nothing more was said as the mage finished his tea and toast, "I'm going for a walk now, I hope I get to see you later," He offered as he stood. He left the main hall, making his way out to the gardens; he was in no particular hurry to get anywhere, he was beginning now to wish that there were something he could do around the castle. On reflection, Vivi realised that he had spent most of his time there caring for his sons and guiding them through their magicks; without them to distract him, Vivi was beginning to see how boring Alexandria was for a boy of his age.

There was a very obvious solution to this problem and that was travel; however, he doubted that Zidane and the others would allow him to do so. It was indisputable that the mage had wanderlust and he was gradually building up the courage enough to ask Zidane if he could go somewhere else for a little while; he knew the Outer Continent was out of the question but he did not care. Freya and Puck had both invited him to stay with them in Burmecia many times before, Eiko had spent a great deal of time begging him to sojourn in Lindblum for a while and Treno was always an option. There was another more exciting alternative open to him, request to join Tantalus; become a travelling performer.

However, there was a huge flaw in this plan because Vivi was incredibly shy.

The last option held the greatest appeal, Tantalus was well travelled and something in Vivi missed being able to see the world; his young mind was soon embroiled in a wild flight of fancy in which he was travelling with them as a stage hand. "I get a bit worried when you look so thoughtful," A voice offered from nearby, drawing his eyes to Zidane; the grinning Genome was sitting in a nearby tree's balding branches, legs over one side of it and his tail over the other. "What were you thinking about?"

All his collected courage vanished in an instant, "Nothing," Vivi lied; he was not ready to ask Zidane yet, not ready to face the inevitable rejection his idea would get because Vivi knew in his heart it was far too soon. But a boy could dream.

Nothing was said for a while, it was a silence that Vivi could sense Zidane wanted to ask a question into but he was trying to find the right way to ask it. "Vivi," He said at last, "This is gonna sound a little harsh but what kind of mage doesn't cast magic?" This snapped Vivi's gaze up to him and for a few moments the Genome feared that he had gone too far, but the teen soon ducked his head.

"I don't," Vivi mumbled, looking at his crimson-gloved hands for a time. "I can't," He clenched his hands into fists, not raising his gaze. "The last time I …"

"Had just lost a hell of a lot of blood, and shouldn't have been casting in the first place," Zidane threw in, jumping from his perch to move to Vivi's side. "Just imagine the people's reactions if they hear that you've given up your magic; Gaia's Black mage hero, it's most powerful black mage, it's more powerful mage!" Zidane grew more passionate as he spoke; if he could have then Vivi would have blushed.

"I felt so weak,"

The Genome looked towards him, "Like I was … abusing …" He thought for a little while, "Like I was stealing my bodies strength to cast." Vivi's eyes held a distant look as he spoke, the mage was losing himself in how he had felt that day. "It used to flow, like I was some kind of channel off a greater stream, but it hurt a little bit that day."

Zidane said nothing, just lending his ear to mage; when it seemed that he had finished the Genome crouched to his level. "You were tired Vivi, not just in your body but in that complex soul of yours as well." He said in understanding, "I don't think you're tired any more, I know facing something that was hard in the past is difficult but we've never run away from things because they're difficult." He smiled widely as Vivi looked up for a moment, "Vivi, I don't want you to be hurt; I wouldn't have asked you if I thought that you'd get hurt."

"I don't deserve magic any more," Vivi's tones were sad as he spoke. "I turned my back on it," Zidane was starting to realise now that Vivi felt a great deal of guilt for not casting the magic that came naturally to him. "One spell in -" He thought for a little while, mentally counting the months. "- nearly half a year …"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, it's only been three and a half months." Zidane scolded, "Why can't you see how well you're doing?" It was clear to everyone else that Vivi's recovery had been comparatively short and self-made. "Sarah was born, me and Garnet waited two months or so but we couldn't wait any longer then that before announcing her. Ellisa told us you were technically better, well enough to seem it anyway." Vivi knew that Ellisa and Zidane had spoken of his progress but he was not aware how much so. "We kind of forced you to recover."

"Not really, I had to get better."

The Genome smiled to himself, "Yeah, you did," He started to walk towards the part of the castle given over to the training of knights; he looked back over his shoulder casually, "Are you coming or not?" He did not wait for a reply and was relieved to hear the mage catch him up.

The knights training ground was not much to look at but it served it's purpose well enough; there was a ring for bare fist or sword fighting, a few practice dummies and some targets. Some of the targets had arrow holes in them but even more had burn marks and patches of spell residue from when Vivi had been teaching his sons. "Pick a target and frag it," Zidane invited with a mischievous grin.

The mage stood for a little while, as if choosing a target but Zidane knew he was stalling. Finally selecting one of the dummies, Vivi stood side on, ready to cast; in a desperate whirl of consciousness, each of his spells clamoured for his attention. Doomsday's bass tones seemed the most persuasive but Vivi ignored him; he did the same with Flare, comet and meteor, focusing instead on his weaker but preferred spells. The whole process took only a few seconds to the outside world but to Vivi it seemed as if a decade had passed him by. "Time has passed," He murmured under his breath, "Since you were last called; please come to me, the fire within, strength of my soul." He looked directly at his target, "Fire!"

The raw, unrestrained spell energy formed around him in an arcane circle, lighting the air with its glow; it leapt from the mages hands like a well-trained beast to explode on the target, instantly knocking it over. There was not time for him to savour this victory as the fire was at risk of spreading. "Water," With skill befitting his experience, Vivi commanded the spell to extinguish the fire. With this done, he sank to the ground, he shoulders shuddering with what Zidane assumed were tears. A bright light shone out from the mage, as the blues and silvers of an emotionally driven trance took hold; tentatively, Zidane moved to rest a hand on his shoulder, yellow eyes looked up towards him. "I did it," He said in an awed voice, eyes going to his hands. "I never expected to cast again," He was not crying, the Genome noticed but laughing to himself, a sound not heard in Alexandria for some time. "I was so certain it had gone away or that my mind would block it."

"What do you mean block it? You're a Black Mage; your magic is what you are."

"I know,"

The mage offered no more on the subject and Zidane left it; Vivi had had a lot of his secret thoughts and feelings wrenched from him recently and the king doubted that what Vivi was going to say was life threatening. "I bet you could do with lunch now," Zidane offered with a broad grin, he offered the mage a hand up and Vivi took it. As they walked, Vivi's trance wore down, slipping away from him gradually; the two were in no hurry and took the longest route back to the main castle.

"Thanks Zidane," Vivi's voice was very soft as he spoke, confused as to what he meant Zidane looked his way; the mage was himself again, his body no longer shining with Trance light. "I've been so ungrateful," as Zidane opened his mouth, Vivi raised a hand, "Please, I need to say this," The Genome nodded, letting the mage say what he needed to. "In a way it was easier to say thanks to Amarant, I don't have to see him every day."

The mage stood for a time in silence, "I hated you," He admitted, his eyes on the ground. "I didn't think I could, you're my best friend but I did. I didn't … when you sat besides me it changed, besides Ellisa you were the only one brave enough to do it and that meant a lot to me." He rose his gaze slowly to Zidane, "Thanks for saving me, I didn't appreciate it before but I do now." Smiling to himself, Zidane touched his shoulder, before realising this was fiendishly inadequate and wrapping him in a hug.

This soon became awkward, especially when Zidane realised that Vivi had approached the age when he grew uncomfortable with hugs and so he released the mage. "You want to know something?" Zidane queried, causing Vivi to nod, "I wasn't too keen on you for a while either." He admitted looking anywhere but at Vivi. "I was so used to you being polite and sensitive but when you got back you were more … teenaged." Both chuckled at this, "I'm really glad that you're feeling better, because I really missed you."

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Entry 42

Today was interesting; I'm not sure how else I can describe it. To my great relief I can still cast magic, it's still within me when I thought it would abandon me. Magic is just like creativity, if you do something you shouldn't then it feels like it abandons you and that you can do nothing to get it back. It's hard to explain to anyone else what it's really like because it's one of the things that you have to experience yourself to really understand. Needless to say, it was scary, to loose something it seems that you've had forever, I knew it was there, brooding beneath all my muddled feelings but I never knew that I'd get at it again.

I was also struck today by how bored I'm growing with Alexandria, I've lived here since I was eleven years old (I spent two years in the BMV) and now I'm starting to get a little bored of it. Nothing different really happens here and I'm not really sure if I want to spend the next four years here without my sons. It'd be nice to see Sarah every day but I can't see her appreciating it; no, I think travelling for a little while is the best idea. The trouble is, I can't find the courage to tell any one that that's what I want to do! Every time I try I find that I can't and it's getting to be a little bit annoying. (Little bit being an understatement.) I don't know what to do about it, I guess eventually a way will present itself just like with everything else in life.

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AN: Thank you's said, a friendship repaired; however there is a good bye to be said- find out who will be leaving in chapter 19 'Fare you well.'