Sun Flowers In The Wind
Louis Capici
1
I laid on the small, wobbly bed, it made me sweat, and my body itch, I felt trapped in that small bed and I wished I could have floated away to another world. I was lost in Berlin, my heart was set out to be back home in L.A. where my mother was, finally free. I know that I was in her shadow all my life, and if she hadn't killed Barry I wouldn't have had to go to so many foster homes, she didn't think about what could have happened to me, inside I was full of rage when I thought about going back to see her, she killed poor Clare who I loved more than any one, she did it because she was jealous of how close I was with her. She didn't use poison, she used words, and what she did was killing me slowly as well.
I felt ugly, my long golden blond hair was short and black, I didn't want to look pretty, I didn't feel pretty inside so why should I have cared what I looked like outside? I looked as bad as the ugly hotel room. The walls were blank and white, and the white paint was peeling off. The room was slowly falling apart and empty, just two small un-comfortable beds, a night stand, and a small bathroom with a shower that only lets out cold water.
When I finally got up from that horrible bed I drank some chai tea with boiled milk. I looked out my window, a cold breeze came out and it made me shiver when it hit my pale skin. This hotel room had a horrible odor, it smelt like a mixture of the marijuana we were smoking, and the beer Paul had spilled all over the floor. I wanted to escape, but I loved Paul, he treated me better than any one I ever knew.
I saw a bunch of people protesting across the street, I had no idea what for, but I was amazed; I took a pencil out and started to draw the scene. There were all women, all of them were quite plump, but most of the fat was muscle. In the middle of the drawing I put my pencil down, I was drifting off and became un-interested. When I was done I didn't realize Paul was missing, he must have went to get himself something to eat, I thought, so I went back to that uncomfortable bed, it stung me like a sharp needle, I had already slept for thirteen hours, but for what ever reason I was still tired. I closed my dark empty eyes, and I was only awake in a dark dream.
When I woke up it was nine thirty at night. Paul left a note on a post-it saying "went to get some medicine" meaning acid. I felt achy all over, I had a head ach, my throat was soar, and I was really thirsty. I was in the mood for some "medicine" it would have took me out of that reality.
I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out for a walk, smoke, eat, drink, or sleep some more. Feeling hot and dirty I decided to take a shower. When I pulled off my robe I just stared through the dusty mirror, there were fingerprints all over it, little trails of dust, and a small crack in the right corner on the bottom. I looked at my body through the faded mirror. Paul thinks I am still pretty with my new hairstyle. My body could have been changed, my breasts were as big as a fifteen year olds, my skin was too pale, I was too skinny, my lips were pink but chapped and bleeding. When I finally got into the shower the cold water actually felt good, it cleaned off the sweat on my forehead, it cooled me down and made all the heat go away, when I got out and wrapped the rough white towel around me I started to shiver. When I put my robe on I heard a knock at the door. It was Paul wasted, he knocked three times, then finally got his key out, it took him awhile to put it through the hole.
"Hey baby", I hated when he called me that, it was so cliché, and it just made me want to vomit for whatever reason. "Whatever Paul. Why didn't you wake me up? I was sleeping for hours! I got up this afternoon and I had no idea where you were, I went back to sleep, and before you went out to get your medicine you should have woken me up!" I wasn't really mad, I just wanted to hold something against him, for whatever reason I was angry, and I couldn't figure out why. He opened his mouth about to say something but I interrupted, "Paul, we can't stay here any longer! This room is horrible, the beds are fucking killing me, the shower is too cold, this room smells, and I am tired of Berlin, its been a month now! I want to go to Paris, or Greece, or maybe Italy. But we can't stay in Europe forever, we need to go home, I want to see my…I want to see my mother and then maybe we could move to New York and we could go to college, and…" He interrupted me, "After all that your mother's done to you, you still want to fucking see her?" "Paul she's my mother! I know that if you had a chance to see your mother you would." "Yeah, well my mother was a crack addict and left me when I was six months old." "Paul, you're stoned, go lay down, go to sleep on that old thin bed, leave me alone in peace, I don't want to speak to you right now." Tears rushed out of my eyes and burned through my skin. I put clothes on and walked out the door, I went to the coffee shop across the street, it was called "Coffe für die Seele". I ordered some German tea and a croissant. I only ate half of it, how could I have felt hungry? This shop was too small, and I was the only one in there, this man kept on speaking to me in German, I still had tears in my eyes, I didn't know what to say so I kept on saying "Ja, ja, ja" Annoyed he rolled his eyes and walked out of the shop.
I loved Paul but he was so cruel to me for some reason. In that moment the thing I wanted most was for Paul to run after me, take me in his arms, kiss me with his soft lips, and for him just to tell me "I'm sorry", but he didn't. So I sat there, all alone. My plan was to leave Berlin at the end of the week with or without Paul.
When I went back to the hotel room Paul was sleeping on the bed. I saw a painting he drew, it was of me of course, my hair was long and blond again, I was sitting with my knees up and I had a bunch of sunflowers all around me. I looked pretty again in the picture. I went up to Paul and kissed his soft cheek, even though he said things that hurt me. I got changed, I had nothing on put my robe, I laid down next to Paul and went back to sleep with my arms wrapped around him.