And Her Hair All Done Up In Curls

Chapter 3
Of All The Things To Decide

Rating G: so far

Summery: Kathryn is being plagued by a series of nightmares. What could they be about?

Disclaimer: All is owned by paramount, unless never mentioned on the show. I have just decided that I could take the voyager crew (Kathryn and Chakotay) where paramount would never have. I am not making any money, just doing it 'cuse I wanna.

Kathryn awoke distressed, her heart pounding, a thin layer of sweat covering her body. She pulled herself into an upright position bringing her knees to her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs and placed her head into the valley it created. She took several deep breaths in and attempted to calm herself willing her heart to stop racing. Her dream, no her memories, zipped around her mind. How could she do this again? How could she open her heart to this child, after? Her body shuddered as a soundless sob coursed through her. She sat in that position for several minuets trying to compose her-self. After what seemed like ages her crying ceased, her mind then took over. "Computer time," she called out her voice raspy from the crying.

"The time is 0100 hours."

'It's only 1:00' Kathryn thought. She knew that she must try to get more sleep, she had to be up early for the staff meeting that she had called, but she wasn't sure if she would be able to, not if the dreams kept coming. She pulled herself out of her bed, her legs shaking. She crossed the distance from her bed to her replicator. She ordered a small glass of milk, hoping that it might help. She then made her way back to her bed. She sank down into her pillows and soon drifted off to sleep once more.

"Hey young lady," a voice called out through the white wispy air. " We have to be getting back now, and you have had your last go around. Besides looks like a storm is coming in."

"Ok," a small voice replied. Crystal blue eyes gazed up at a young auburn haired woman, from under an over sized hood. "Tomorrow can we bring Gam'ma, skating with us?"

"Of course we can, only if she wants to though." The women stated. She reached her had out to the young child, clasping hands the two of them strolled off into the snowy distance together.

"The time is 0500 hours" the voice of the computer intruded into Kathryn's sleeping mind to Kathryn's gratefulness. She knew the dream would return, but at least she managed to get more sleep. She pulled herself out of her bed for the second time that night. Running her hands over her face she sighed, praying that the dreams would not hunt her further. She remembered shortly after young Naomi Wildman was born, she was hunted by the same memories. The sleepless nights had lasted about two months, Kathryn hope that this would not be a repeat, but in her heart she knew that it would almost certainly be worse. Kathryn slowly made her way into her bathroom, looking in the mirror she sighed once more, she looked awful, large circles were present under her eyes, and her face appeared slightly ashen. She decided that a hot, real water, shower would help. She striped off her night gowned and climbed into the shower cubical, ordering the computer to start it.

After her shower Kathryn felt better, she was now fully awake, and more capable of handling her emotions. She hurried and put her uniform on and went to sickbay, to check on the infant that had come into her life just the day before.

When Kathryn entered sickbay she saw that Doctor holding the small child. He was singing softly to her, and rocking her gently. Kathryn beamed, it was quite a picture, she had never thought that the doctor could look so caring. Kathryn strolled over to the doctor. "How's she doing?" she asked gently, noting that the baby was nearly asleep.

"She's doing just fine," the doctor whispered, stilling a glance at the child. "Captain?"

"Yes, doctor?"

"What did the data padd that you found next to her say?"

Kathryn looked him straight in the eye, a feeling of panic rising in her, she took a deep breath calming it before saying "I'm to take the baby, it was a letter addressed to me to from her mother. Apparently her entire family died, form a virus. Her mom was the only one left, she had found us and decided to send her baby to us in an attempt to save her life." Kathryn stroked the tiny girls cheek.

The doctor stared at his captain momentarily, "are you going to take her?" he asked

Kathryn looked down then back up at the doctor, "I don't know," she whispered "the letter was very specific though, the woman wants me to take her, to give her a home. I don't know if I could." Kathryn's heart felt heavy.

"Why?" the doctor asked.

Kathryn searched for an answer to give to him, one besides the truth, she didn't want to bring up her past, or at least not at that point in time. "I' don't know" she said, "maybe I'm just a little unsure, after all this was something unexpected."

The doctor smiled taking her words for the truth and not questioning her. The baby started to cry Kathryn automatically reached for her. The doctor relinquished the infant into Kathryn's arms. Instinct took over, Kathryn held the baby in her arms cradling her to her chest, she slowly and softly sang, "hush little baby don't say a word mama's goanna bye you a mocking bird, and if that mocking bird don't sing, momma's goanna bye you a diamond ring, and if that demand ring turns to glass momma's goanna bye you a…." the baby drifted back to sleep before the song was over. Kathryn smiled at the baby. Before gently placing her back into the incubator. The doctor watched his captain, she was so good with the baby; it was almost second nature to her; much like commanding voyager was.

"Captain, if I can say a few things," the doctor said.

Kathryn glanced up at him, for a moment "yes doctor what is it?" she said her words kind and warm.

"Perhaps you should take the infant. After all she was left to you, and you are so good with her, you seem to know exactly what she needs." The doctor regarded his captain fondly. Kathryn turned to look at the baby once more closing her eyes tight, trying not to cry again, after a few seconds, the doctor became worried at her silence. "Captain," he said stepping closer to her. Kathryn took another deep breath before responding,

"I'll have to think about it," she told him "after all this is a very sudden thing, I don't know if I am ready to make such a large decision, I will talk with the senior staff today, and get their input, see what they have to say before I make a decision, that will not only affect me but her as well." She motioned toward the sleeping child.

"All right captain," the doctor smiled, he was sure that she would wind up taking her home with her soon enough. Kathryn took one last long look at the little girl before making her way to the bridge; she hadn't realized that she had been in sickbay so long.

On the bridge the entire senior staff, with the exception of the captain were already at their posts, all eyes turned toward the lift as Kathryn exited. Tom with a large smirk declared, "running a bit late are we captain?" Kathryn shoot a glace toward him that made Tom back down instantaneously. The exchange did not go unnoticed by Chakotay. Kathryn took her seat next to him; her body remained somewhat rigid. Chakotay leaned in close to her risking his life and limb. "Kathryn," he whispered intentionally using her name not her title, "is their something you need to talk about?" Kathryn stiffened even more, she glared toward Chakotay "no," she firmly stated silently so the rest of the bridge crew would not hear.

Chakotay pushed her a bit farther, but soon regretted it. Kathryn pushed herself up out of her chair, and excused herself. She handed the bridge over to Chakotay and hastily retreated to her ready room. But not before reminding the rest of the bridge about the staff meeting in two hours.

Once inside she sank back resting on the wall, slowly lowering herself to the floor. She was angry now, at the whole situation, at Chakotay who wouldn't leave her alone and at the alien women that caused so many things to come back to her and at the baby the baby that was given to her, why her, their were a number of other women on the ship, way had the woman chosen her? Kathryn curled her knees to her chest once for the second time that day, resting her head on her arms she forced herself to try to think clearly. Her emotions were getting the better of her; she could not allow that to happen. She thought long and heard about some of the techniques that Tuvok had shown her. After sitting for what seemed like an eternity she managed to calm herself down. She took a deep breath, she was no longer angry; Chakotay was just trying to be nice and help. The woman probably chose her because she was the captain, and the baby was not at fault, how could she be. Kathryn then realized part of the reason she had become angry was that she had fallen for the child. It reminded her so much of.

The chime sounded, Kathryn hurriedly pulled herself up off the ground, wincing as pain ran through her back. 'I'm getting to old for sitting like that' she thought. She quickly moved over to her desk and sat down grabbing the nearest data padd. "Come in," she called keeping her voice steady. The captains mask was now firmly in place.

Chakotay appeared at the door. Took a few steps forward so the door could close. "Kathryn," he spoke

She looked up from the padd, "Yes commander?" she inquired emphasizing his title. Letting him know that she was not in the mood to talk about any thing.

"Kathryn," he stated again, choosing to ignore the use of his title. "What's wrong, you nearly took Tom's head off this morning, and…"

Kathryn put her hand up to silence him, she could tell where this was going. She sighed then spoke "Chakotay," she used his name this time, in hopes that it would help to diffuse the situation, "I know, and I'm sorry, it's just every thing is a little hectic right now. Do you know what that padd said?" she then inquired remembering that he had not had a chance to read it.

"Yes," Chakotay stated, "after you left B'Elanna showed me a copy"

She smiled, but it did not reach her eyes, "then you know how big of a decision I have to make, I just don't know if I can."

Chakotay cut her off; he crossed the space that separated them. Kneeling down next to her so he could look her in the eye he stated, "Kathryn, I'm sure this is a very hard decision to make, but I know you can do it. You are the strongest person I know, and I saw how you were looking at her yesterday, I know that you have already fallen in love with her. Besides you'll have me to help you, and honestly how much damage could one little girl do?" Chakotay pulled her into his arms; she stiffened a bit but then relaxed into his embrace. As they hugged Kathryn thought 'If only you knew Chakotay'

Chakotay released her form his embrace, remembering the original reason that he had come in, "Kathryn" he pushed a few stray tresses from her face, "I think we had better go to the meeting that you called," he joked slightly. Kathryn's face changed had it been two hours already? She stood up, and hugged Chakotay one last time, a silent thank you, before the two of them headed off to the briefing room.