Benny was halfway in his room and legs draped across the hallway when we returned around 1 a.m. With a full mob of drunken college girls and taggers-along not far behind, this situation was inexcusable for the safe confines of the four-bedroom compound below ground level on Lower Console Road. I was the first through the door, deciding to walk the blocks of downhill travel with Irish Red rather than face the brutal driving of Edwards one more time. Edwards was a fine driver but didn't seem to notice the flier that was adhered to his window by the heavy rain on the first drive. How long would it remain in its position beneath the wiper blade?
Finding Benny reeking of low-grade schwag and Red Hook's ESB, I quickly attempted to drag his prone form from blocking the hall. It was of no use. The bastard had firmly wedged his humongous carcass in such a position that dragging him further inside the room was pointless. My only hope was to drag him fully into the hallway and down to the dart room. This endeavor, however, was not a job for me alone at the early hours of Friday with a group of adequately drunken and reasonably wild college girls only moments away. And what of Edwards and the party caravan that surely as this drunken slump of a body were sure to land hard on the apartment in mere moments. No time to panic or even plan. I grabbed Red with a menacing look in my eye and gritted through my teeth, "We must move this bastard."
Red heaved Benny up with his Kool still smoldering from between his lips. I grabbed the legs and we somehow managed to parade in a Stooge style manner through the beaded curtain and toss him into the chair. "Minor tragedy averted," I smiled while wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. "Shit, that could've been a real buzz kill for all those ladies."
"Nah, Harley," smiled Red. "We could've billed it as a Freak Show and sold for admission. That big fucker won't know what's what in the morning anyhow."
"It IS morning, Red."
"Indeed you're right," Red smiled. "Let's see how much beer remains." He started pumping out frothy mugs for us and we relaxed. I began to take stock of what the score was at the moment. Red and I were safe and awaiting about a dozen folks we had personally invited back to the apartment. Benny was out of commission for the moment slouched heavily in the white lounge chair. He was big and ominous but totally devoid of motion except for the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.
Edwards was still out there amongst the wolves. I remember attempting to get him to leave the Re-Pub, however, he was locked in to some prehistoric courting ritual with Amy at the billiard tables. I had to tug at his Weezer cap just to get any sort of recognition of my existence. "I'll be fine," mouthed Edwards. "I've got my keys."
He was right, of course. This was one thing that was as certain as the hammer coming down. Edwards and keys were a formidable commando unit that no law official needs dare question or tangle. They were truly outside the law.
So that was the situation as Red and I finished our third draft and it was again his turn to pump some drafts and turn on some more socially acceptable music rather than loud volumes of Guns 'n Roses Use Your Illusion I. I settled in front of the stereo and switched the discs to something we could all agree on as Red walked over with my mug in hand. "I suppose we have to be fucking social in a few minute," he smiled.
"Bars are closed, mein freund," I laughed back while slipping Jewel's Pieces of You into the tray. "Time to at least act like we care and maybe score in the process. Hell, that Asian girl was all wrapped up about talking my ear off about the beauty of your long red hair"
"No shit," he questioned. "Maybe there is a God after all?"
"If there is," I smiled, "it is obviously a slender Asian girl with thick lips, an athletic figure, and ample knockers."
"Har, you got it." Red walked back to the couch and plopped down to light another Kool and crush out the one smoldering in his hand. "It'd be a damn shame for something as pretty as me to go home alone."
"A sad testament to all that is wrong with the world," I said while moving past Benny's crumpled form and through the beaded curtain. I sat the Red Hook draft on the kitchen counter and fished around for four shot glasses in the cabinet. "Red, mas Tequila."
Barely a second later Red was by my side in the kitchen with an ashtray that he tossed into the center of the table. "We need limes," he grinned while pulling a hunting knife from his jacket. "I'll cut 'em up while you pour."
As we made our preparations the door to the apartment swung open, barely visible from our vantage point in the kitchen. The solidness of the door banging against the wall clattered the furniture and startled our souls. "Sorry," came a seductive apology from the entry adding, "I'll make it up to you."
Kerri was flanked by her four friends still bulging and popping at all the correct places along with the pale form of Edwards holding Amy up by his arm and about three assorted girls I vaguely remembered talking to around the Re-Pub. Barely visible in back of the whole scene was the Asian girl that hounded me all night about Red's gorgeous locks. "It is quite alright, ladies," I called from the kitchen once my breath returned to me long enough to wipe up the excess Tequila with a dishtowel. "Shots for anyone and everyone. Red, can you take over?" Red nodded. "Edwards, a word?" Edwards winked.
I helped Edwards walk Amy down the hallway to the dart room and past Benny's still slumped frame. "What are her plans," I asked?
"I think she plans to sleep it off tonight," Edwards smiled while pulling her into Benny's room. "I figure we let her take his bed since it's of no use to him."
"Great idea," I added. "What are your plans?"
"Well, I hadn't quite thought further than a dozen wildly drunken and liberally friendly young ladies left alone with the three of us," smiled Edwards under the rim of his Weezer cap. "And I need to get my look together better than old Benny before the night gets much further. Mas Tequila, por favor?"
"Yes, mein freund," I laughed. "It appears the odds are in our favor. Any requests?"
We walked out the door to Benny's room and Edwards said, "Only one. Play some Rentals for me at the right moment."
"Taken care of," I agreed. Some of that fine band is just what the party ordered. We walked in to find Red leading three of the girls in body shots and among them was the slender Asian girl. Things were looking up at the moment so Edwards and I grabbed some extra short glasses from the pantry cabinet and proceeded to live out the Tequila frenzy no matter what's inevitable end.
Slamming shots of Tequila is an art devoid of salt or citrus in normal situations, however, these were not typical or ordinary times. When women abound in large quantity, always change your typical level of intoxication rampage. Sure, normally and at bar situations slamming Tequila with no prequel or chaser is the hallmark of champions, however, be warned that women are not impressed by such things after the bars close and all the Greek fecal heads are passed out in their cots.
What do they want? Well, of this I am always sure. I may not be positive at anytime about what women want, however, I am quite certain of the things they abhor. I was counted in that number many times and in differing occasions.
The party flowed from the kitchen to the dart room and we all nestled into chairs, couches, sofas, and pillows strategically arrayed throughout the black lighting. I packed several exchanges of the faithful Cardio-Chamber and let it make its circuit around the room. The four separate filtering chambers made the girls feel apprehensive at first but they quickly became like ducks and water. Cooling water and aromatic buds colored in the ambience of the room. I was deeply engaged with a clever brunette who was majoring in accounting when I noticed that the room was strikingly quiet. The vast majority of the girls were absent of mental focus, devoid of rational thought, and evaporating on the soft surfaces. Red was nowhere to be seen and also the slender, athletic, and voluptuous Asian girl was gone. Edwards was talking to two seductively charming young ladies at the moment and I was there with the accountant who was volunteering admissions of how much she would like to "balance my books." I locked eyes with Edwards and nodded my cup in his direction. The thought was returned with a slow salute off the brim of his Weezer cap that one of the beautiful vixens was wearing directly to his right. At that moment I could barely hear over the speakers the sound of Waiting.