Title: As the 'Gate Turns: The Nature of Grief
Author: Annerb
Rating: minor language
Summary: Teal'c observes his friends' mourning
Classifications: Series, S/J Angst, Drama
Season: Mid-season 8, up through End Game (AU from there)
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
Author's Note: This is a tiny little intermission of sorts, focusing on everyone's reactions from Teal'c's point of view. Delilah W correctly pointed out that poor Teal'c has been getting a bit of a short shrift, so, here we go. Sorry I made so many of you angry with the last chapter! I appreciate you sticking with me; I promise we have a long distance to cover still. :) Thanks to Triptnx and Montage!
Feedback: Always appreciated!
Part 9: The Nature of Grief
Though Teal'c had lived among the Tau'ri for more than eight years, he still found many of their ways mystifying. He didn't understand how the political system could be so full of men with no concept of honor. He didn't understand how so many humans could have so much, while others lay dying from lack. He didn't comprehend why an activity that consists of out of shape men hitting round objects with a stick could be so important to an entire nation of people. And what exactly, really, was the purpose of a yo-yo?
Not that there weren't things that Teal'c appreciated about the Tau'ri. He took great pleasure in movies, the great variety of foods, jello wrestling and most of all, the great freedoms they all enjoyed. He had learned much about the value of female warriors and the idea of free will. He knew that he was a better person for having been influenced by great Earth-thinkers in his vast reading. But one thing that he would never truly comprehend was the human reaction to loss.
When it appeared that Daniel had died (the first time, or second if you count his first trip to Abydos), Teal'c had attended his 'wake' at Jack's house. While Teal'c's inclination had been to sequester himself away in a state of Kelnorim to ruminate on his lost friend while abstaining from any form of nourishment, his friends had convinced him that the 'wake' was more appropriate. At this gathering, all of the acquaintances of Daniel shared stories about the man, often humorous in nature. It felt strange to Teal'c to laugh at such a time. But he knew the humans must not have truly meant any disrespect.
When Daniel actually died, or rather ascended, there had been no wake. But Sam had seemed to feel a deep need to talk about their fallen friend. Jack, on the other hand, had been less than receptive towards Sam's wishes. Instead, she went to Teal'c and he listened quietly as she shared her feelings and memories. Teal'c observed that she did seem slightly more at ease after their discussion.
Teal'c had also been witness to Jack's preferred form of mourning. Teal'c had had to carry an inert Jack over his shoulder after he had overindulged in an Earth drink called 'Jack Daniels.' The name of the beverage had seemed quite amusing to Jack before he lost consciousness. Teal'c could never quite establish whether or not inebriety helped with a mourner's sense of loss.
Each of them had been feared dead at some point, leaving the rest behind to deal with their feelings of loss and abandonment. And each reacted in a completely unique way. But with the death of Haley, Teal'c was very unsure how his friends would react. He watched them closely in the time following Baal's surprise attack, silently bewildered.
It was less than twenty-four hours after the death of Haley that Jack demanded to go back to PX2-204. They all knew there would be no body to collect, but it was almost as if Jack would not let himself believe what had happened until he saw it for himself. MALP telemetry revealed what they all expected, dashing secret hopes. Where the compound had once stood, a great crater now resided. The self-destruct had wiped away everything, leaving behind nothing but rubble and the broken bodies of Jaffa. Teal'c felt an uneasy mixture of sorrow for his fallen, enslaved brothers and pride that Haley had managed to take out so many enemies with her. She would always be known as a hero among the rebel Jaffa.
Jack had hoarsely ordered the wormhole shut down and scheduled SG-6 to retrieve the MALP. He then withdrew into his office without a backward glance. Sam followed his retreating form with haunted eyes, but he had not so much as spoken a word to any of them since their return.
Teal'c worried about both of them, knowing that there was no greater loss than the loss of a child. He stood silent vigil near Sam's lab and so he was witness to the great strain between the grieving parents. Standing in the hall, Teal'c could hear the sound of weeping coming from her lab. After a while, Jack walked down the hall and was struck motionless at the sound of her sobs. He reached one hand out as if to open the door, but pulled back, an impressive curse falling from his lips. His eyes met Teal'c's and he shook his head before quickly disappearing the opposite direction down the hall. Teal'c watched his friend's retreating back for a moment before entering Sam's lab himself.
A small memorial was held on a tree-covered hill outside of the Mountain. Many of the base personnel were there, including Siler, Walter and even Dr. Malek. Sam and Daniel stood close to one another, hands clasped in support. Teal'c observed that Jack stood slightly apart from the rest, seemingly wearing his dress uniform as if it were a shield. His eyes were unreadable beneath sunglasses. Teal'c saw not so much as a single tear fall from the man.
Daniel delivered Haley's eulogy, extolling her virtues and commending her for saving the lives of countless people. He also spoke of her boundless joy in the simplest of things and her ability to still see good in people even though she had been witness to the worst in her woefully short life. Teal'c could feel Sam sway slightly into him as Daniel spoke. He put a strong hand on her arm and she leaned gratefully into him.
Two days later, Teal'c was on his way to see Jack when he heard raised voices coming from the General's office. He paused, trying to decide if he should offer help or if he should retreat to offer the discussants privacy. The decision was taken from his hands, though, when he was nearly knocked down by Sam and she blindly slammed out of the office. Teal'c reached out to steady Sam.
"Sorry, Teal'c," she said distractedly, her mind still obviously on something else.
Teal'c could see that she was nobly trying to hold back tears. "Is anything amiss, Colonel Carter?"
Sam let out a mangled laugh and shook her head. "Nothing that you can fix, Teal'c." She glanced back at the closed door behind her. "We can get through this," she said with steely determination. "We have to."
Teal'c valiantly hoped that she was right.
Whatever optimism Sam might have retained was roughly dashed the next day. Jack had abruptly taken a month of leave, not bothering to tell anyone where he was going. General Hammond had agreed to fill in for his friend. Hammond had been the one to tell a shell-shocked Sam about Jack's disappearance. As much as Teal'c admired Jack and thought of him as a brother, he could not help but condemn his actions as that of a coward.
Sam haunted the halls of the SGC, only returning to her home when given a direct order by General Hammond. The soldier in her obeyed the order, even as the woman in her quelled at the thought of her empty home and its quiet, lifeless spaces. Daniel and Teal'c took turns staying with her and holding her as she wept.
Teal'c observed that Daniel was also deeply mourning the loss of Haley. Teal'c found him in her room one day, staring at her things. "I can't believe that she's really gone, Teal'c," he had said softly, picking up a book that was still propped open, patiently waiting for a woman that would never get to finish it.
"Jack should be here," Daniel said after a long stretch of silence.
"Indeed," Teal'c replied softly.
"I just hope he is okay; stupid, stubborn bastard that he is."
"You do not think that he would harm himself, do you, Daniel Jackson?"
"I don't know, Teal'c. I just don't know," he replied, his voice deeply troubled.
Jack had been gone two weeks when Sam came out of her room one morning, fully dressed with her face carefully scrubbed. "I'm ready," she declared softly to Daniel and Teal'c.
"Ready for what, Sam?" Daniel inquired carefully.
"Ready to live again."
Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow at her.
"I loved Haley more than I ever thought possible. There will always be a huge hole in me where she used to be, but I know…I just know that if she were here she would be yelling at me. She would tell me stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to living, get back to saving people and being thankful for every day that I have."
"And she would be right," Daniel added softly.
Teal'c nodded, knowing that there was wisdom in these words.
"Let's go kick some Goa'uld ass," Sam said with a small smile. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but it was a start.
Jack reappeared at the Mountain two weeks later and resumed his duties. He seemed to be physically well and Teal'c could sense Daniel's relief. Jack once again held meetings with SG-1 and even occasionally ate lunches with them, but it was clear that he was not the same man that had left the Mountain weeks before. He still cracked inane jokes and constantly fiddled with things, but he absolutely refused to even hear Haley's name, let alone discuss her. He also carefully avoided ever being alone with Sam.
Teal'c couldn't help but think that Jack was acting in a disgraceful manner. Teal'c may not understand the Tau'ri ways of mourning, but he knew that pretending Haley had never existed was an affront to her honor and her noble sacrifice. And then Teal'c would catch a glimpse of something in Jack's eyes when he thought no one was paying attention, and he knew with vast certainty that his friend was suffering greatly. Teal'c would feel his anger at his friend retreat, leaving only a hope that one day Jack would let himself actually mourn, any way he could.